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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable to sleep till 12.30 pm when you have a child?

184 replies

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 12:46

My daughter is 8 - she goes to her dads every second weekend and once in the week every second week.

I'm just off FaceTime to her and her dad was still sleeping! She said she got up at 9 am and made her own breakfast and that her dad has been in bed saying '10 more minutes' since then.

It's now 12.30 pm, she is dressed, hair and teeth brushed and he's still lying in his bed. This has happened before but only till about 11 am, never the middle of the afternoon. Daughter doesn't seem too bothered.

Granted over the Christmas holidays there was a few times when I said 'okay I've left breakfast stuff out, help yourself so I can have a little lie in' but that was till around 10 am tops and that was after a busy festive period.

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to be sleeping till that time when he has his daughter? Maybe I'm being sensitive so I want to be sure before I say anything to him. I could understand more if he had her full time but surely on the days you have your child you'd want to spend time with her rather than sleeping?

Must say, it's nothing to do with alcohol or drugs, he doesn't drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 09/01/2022 15:24

@Lipity

All those saying “go get her, it’s not acceptable”

It’s literally nothing to do with the mum. Nothing. DD is in no harm, she’s fed and washed, what her dad does or doesn’t do whilst they are together is nobody’s business but theirs.

Some of you don’t co-parent and it shows

Actually it is everything to do with her. Thus is a safeguarding issue and should anything happen and the authorities got wind that she was aware and dis nothing she could find herself slammed with a charge of neglect also. I know this because this is pretty much what exdp did and I stopped him having dd overnight as a result. I spoke to the school and had it confirmed that had dd said anything at school they would flag it as a safeguarding issue and my solicitor confirmed the neglect charge could apply.

That said @flowersinherhairinjune you are just as bad laying in bed til 10am and leaving her on her own so I would perhaps check your own behaviour before calling your ex out on his.

Knackered or not I am always up before dd and I never go to bed until she is in bed and asleep. As a parent that is part of the job.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2022 15:26

To be fair if he hardly ever has her, it’s pretty crap.

Unless you’re going to drop in that he works long shifts at anti social times!

DynamiteFilledRadish · 09/01/2022 15:26

@ImNotDancing

He hasn't had any vaccines 😬 he has covid about 4 months ago.

Could be feeling the post Covid fatigue

Oh fgs! The amount of excuses people will make for a bloody man. A woman would be told she was an unfit parent but here we have a lazy ass man who can't be arsed to get out of his pit to spend time with his child and the bloody handmaidens are out saying the poor lamb has "fatigue". Get a GRIP.
ivykaty44 · 09/01/2022 15:26

FilthyforFirth

exactly the same

its fine to let children to amuse themselves for a few hours in a safe environment

SecretWitch · 09/01/2022 15:27

You have no say in how he parents your daughter. She is safe and warm.

tulips27 · 09/01/2022 15:28

Maybe he had delta last time and now it's omicron. My friend was like this with omicron.

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 15:28

@dreamingbohemian

If you're no longer together, how can you be sure he doesn't drink or take drugs? I don't think it's that common to sleep that late unless you're sleeping something off.

YANBU

I'm perfectly capable of sleeping til way past 12.30 and I'm teetotal and have never done drugs in my life.

I'd think he'd want to spend time with her as he has her so little but I don't remember, when I was 8, playing with my mum and dad. Not because they weren't there but because I just didn't. I'd read, or watch telly, or play outside. It's a good life lesson learning how to be happy with your own company.

KO81 · 09/01/2022 15:31

@ivykaty44

why is it unacceptable?

at 8 years old I was entertaining myself on Sunday mornings, playing board games with the cat, playing in the garden and playing in my room

what do you see as the problem?

I presume the problem is her largely absent father can’t be arsed to get out of bed and do something nice with his daughter. That he keeps telling her ‘ten more minutes’ even when she has tried to wake him up and that when it was pushing lunchtime, she was still on her own and he was still in bed.

It might not be the OP’s business, it might not be dangerous or ‘wrong’ according to some easily pleased posters on here, but it’s pretty shit and it’s pretty sad.

KO81 · 09/01/2022 15:32

Also the amount of excuses being made on here for this ‘poor man’ is really depressing.

eagerlywaitingfor · 09/01/2022 15:32

@TheCatShatInTheHat

You have no say or control of what he does when he has his daughter.
Even when he's neglecting the child's needs?
Wishitsnows · 09/01/2022 15:34

If a woman was doing this she would be slated. As its a man people will bend over backwards to say that shit parenting is fine as long as her life is not in danger and she has access to food and clothes. I don't understand why the expectation on men parenting is so low.

StationaryMagpie · 09/01/2022 15:38

this was my ex when we were still together. He's more or less stopped staying in quite that late now, his compromise though is he'll get up, feed them, and go back to bed.

Mine are a bit older now, but the youngest was 9 when we split.

I'm afraid as long as she's fine, fed, and entertained, there's very little you can do about it.

Inastatus · 09/01/2022 15:38

@tulips27

Maybe he had delta last time and now it's omicron. My friend was like this with omicron.
Love the fact that covid can even be used as an excuse for lazing fecking parenting! What the hell are people going to do when they can no longer blame covid for everything?!
DynamiteFilledRadish · 09/01/2022 15:39

@KO81

Also the amount of excuses being made on here for this ‘poor man’ is really depressing.
Depressing, isn't it.
georgarina · 09/01/2022 15:39

YANBU, that's really shit parenting and it's really hilarious because there was a thread on here about a teacher asking for help waking up in the morning, and the replies were 'you must stink/get up and be an adult/your students deserve better.'

I don't know if it's the contrariness of AIBU or the fact that for men, the bar is in hell.

I suspect both.

flossie47 · 09/01/2022 15:42

It is lazy and poor parenting no doubt about that. On his contact weekends he should be making the most of his time with dd and making sure her time there is enjoyable not wasting the day in bed.

But some of this comments are bonkers and so naive. If op and her ex had a court order in place she wouldn't just be able to go over there and take her child back for this reason.

The bar of parenting by a courts standards are notoriously low. Criminals, abusers, addicts all get contact these days. It's not always right but it's the way it is. A father sleeping in is hardly a huge cause for concern although I too would be pissed off at the lack of effort and attention.

Longcovid21 · 09/01/2022 15:47

My ex has routine 2 hr naps regularly when he has the kids. A bit shit really but what can you do?

getsanta · 09/01/2022 15:54

he is neglecting the child, she is too young to be left unsupervised.

Oh for heaven's sake. This is peak MN. Shes 8 not 2. Hilarious.

I think he's a shit for staying in bed that late when he doesn't see his daughter very often, but there really isn't anything the OP can do about it. I'm sure she wouldn't take too kindly to telling her how to parent.

melj1213 · 09/01/2022 15:56

The amount of vitriol and hyperbole on here is astounding at times.

YABU - from your OP and subsequent posts it appears that this is a one off so it's hardly like he's a neglectful parent who is leaving her to her own devices all day every weekend. If it was happening every week or DD had called because she felt upset/unsafe/unhappy then I would 100% suggest going over to collect her but under the circumstances I would not be causing a fuss.

We don't have any information as to why your ex was still in bed until 12:30, other than you believe it isn't down to drink/drugs, so as a one off I would put it down to being a bit under the weather or just exhaustion and as long as your DD isn't upset or worried, you need to leave them to get on with it.

Last weekend I woke up with a massive headache so I stayed in bed for most of the day - when DD11 got up I let her know I was staying in bed, made myself a drink and went back to bed till midafternoon. DD was more than capable of pottering about - watching TV, finishing her homework, reading, playing etc - by herself for a few hours. If ExDH (who I share custody with 50/50) had stormed round and kicked up a fuss, accusing me of being neglectful etc because I dared leave DD to her own devices for the morning then I would not be happy.

Sowhatifiam · 09/01/2022 16:01

Even when he's neglecting the child's needs?

She's fed and dressed. She has access to a TV. She's bored. Not great, I agree, but it's hardly the end of the world, is it? When did anyone die of being a bit bored for a few hours?! If it's going to be a regular occurence, getting her a phone/ipad/cheap tablet with some parental controls so she can amuse herself would probably work wonders. Plenty of children spend hours on tech with no ill effect. It's once a fortnight.

flossie47 · 09/01/2022 16:02

@melj1213 the most sensible post here.

We don't actually know why he's in bed. Imagine being ill and having your ex storm round accusing you of being neglectful after being riled up by a bunch of hysterical MNers.

It's far from ideal but at 8 the child is able to look after herself and if it was a one off I certainly wouldn't be making a big deal out of it. If dd felt upset, unsafe or it was happening often it would be different. But this is typical MN craziness over a relative non issue.

3mealsaday · 09/01/2022 16:08

@Wishitsnows

If a woman was doing this she would be slated. As its a man people will bend over backwards to say that shit parenting is fine as long as her life is not in danger and she has access to food and clothes. I don't understand why the expectation on men parenting is so low.
It's because we think it's fine for men to steal women's slack. If this was happening frequently (child left for hours bored and unattended, no activities or trips out), it would be piss-poor parenting and neglect.

But it's ok because the dad only sees her EOW and the child has another parent (the OP) who usually looks after her.

It's like I said to my DH when he stuck our DS in front of the TV with a Happy Meal the last time I went out with friends - it's only OK because there's another parent around who cooks healthy food and engages with our DS most of the time, who will actually take him for walks and to the playground and who will play with him. DH rarely has to look after DS alone (whereas I do frequently) so I must admit I was disappointed.

wanttomarryamillionaire · 09/01/2022 16:09

Its not a great thing for him to be doing, he should be spending time with her as he sees so little of her. However it's technically none of your business op, unless the child is in danger or at risk then there is not an awful lot you can say. If this went to a family court it would be a complete non issue unless there was a back story to the sleeping eg drink, drugs etc. if he makes a regular habit of this I would try not to worry to much because your daughter is getting to an age where her wishes are most important and if she doesn't want to visit her dad because of this, she doesn't have to.

blubberyboo · 09/01/2022 16:20

Unreal the amount of ppl going crazy over a man ( or Woman) having a lie in.
The reality is we don’t have enough info to decide if this man is the worst father in the world.
He might be a lazy arse who isn’t interested in his daughter in which case she’ll stop wanting to go
Or
Maybe he’s ill
Maybe they had a movie night til 3am and planned to lie in but DD woke up anyway.
Maybe he couldn’t sleep last night.
Maybe he’s lying in bed on his phone and fully aware of what she’s doing.

So Yabu because she is in no danger.

When I was 8 I wanted to be on my own reading, making up imaginary stories, watching my own favourite programmes.

Monzeitia · 09/01/2022 16:25

This sounds like my ex, he had his two boys coming every other weekend and he used spend the night gaming and waking up at midday, I felt so sorry for the boys that I used to get up very early to walk the dog so I could be back by 9am so I could look after them
He was in his late 40’s and the most lazy and selfish person I never meet, the boys eventually stopped coming and I was off

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