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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable to sleep till 12.30 pm when you have a child?

184 replies

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 12:46

My daughter is 8 - she goes to her dads every second weekend and once in the week every second week.

I'm just off FaceTime to her and her dad was still sleeping! She said she got up at 9 am and made her own breakfast and that her dad has been in bed saying '10 more minutes' since then.

It's now 12.30 pm, she is dressed, hair and teeth brushed and he's still lying in his bed. This has happened before but only till about 11 am, never the middle of the afternoon. Daughter doesn't seem too bothered.

Granted over the Christmas holidays there was a few times when I said 'okay I've left breakfast stuff out, help yourself so I can have a little lie in' but that was till around 10 am tops and that was after a busy festive period.

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to be sleeping till that time when he has his daughter? Maybe I'm being sensitive so I want to be sure before I say anything to him. I could understand more if he had her full time but surely on the days you have your child you'd want to spend time with her rather than sleeping?

Must say, it's nothing to do with alcohol or drugs, he doesn't drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 09/01/2022 13:53

What is the difference between him snuggled up in bed while she potters back and forward and him being sat on the sofa while she potters back and forward? Sounds like they are having a quiet lazy morning.

InFiveMins · 09/01/2022 13:53

Completely unacceptable. How boring for your daughter.

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:54

@ApolloandDaphne

What is the difference between him snuggled up in bed while she potters back and forward and him being sat on the sofa while she potters back and forward? Sounds like they are having a quiet lazy morning.
It's not the morning though, he was sleeping until 12.30 in the afternoon.
OP posts:
PurpleCarpets · 09/01/2022 13:54

personally I would want to be out of bed and spending time with them

Isn't that the point? Personally he wouldn't! And I'm guessing he doesn't suggest you start doing it his way?

roolz · 09/01/2022 13:54

@InFiveMins

Completely unacceptable. How boring for your daughter.

Agreed. Not really fair for her to be left alone when she's too young to go out to the park herself etc.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 09/01/2022 13:55

I would ring him/go and pick her up, bollocks to it’s nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with you.

Absolutely. I am shocked that anyone would say this has nothing to do with you OP - he is neglecting the child, she is too young to be left unsupervised. It's not enough to say 'the child could wake him if there was a problem' - often a problem occurs in an unsupervised situation resulting in a child being unable to alert a grown-up (eg injury, she might leave the property, open the door to a stranger etc).

Pugroll · 09/01/2022 13:56

Sounds like a lazy bastard if he rarely sees her and still can't be bothered to get up at a reasonable time and spend time with her.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 09/01/2022 13:59

It's really hard to know what to do in these situations op. I feel for you. How is your relationship with him? Could you possibly ask later if he's been poorly as dd was worried about him?

If he's just a crap parent she'll vote with her feet eventually.

ImNotDancing · 09/01/2022 14:03

Since when is 12:30 the middle of the afternoon?

ImNotDancing · 09/01/2022 14:05

He hasn't had any vaccines 😬 he has covid about 4 months ago.

Could be feeling the post Covid fatigue

RedCandyApple · 09/01/2022 14:05

@LalalalalalaLand123

I would ring him/go and pick her up, bollocks to it’s nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with you.

Absolutely. I am shocked that anyone would say this has nothing to do with you OP - he is neglecting the child, she is too young to be left unsupervised. It's not enough to say 'the child could wake him if there was a problem' - often a problem occurs in an unsupervised situation resulting in a child being unable to alert a grown-up (eg injury, she might leave the property, open the door to a stranger etc).

OMG an 8 year old is not too young to be left unsupervised! This is laughable?! Do you watch your 8 year old every second of the day! 8 year olds that are NT are fine being left unsupervised when the parent is still in the house sleeping or not. This comment is mad!
Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 14:09

@ImNotDancing

Since when is 12:30 the middle of the afternoon?
Well it's certainly not the morning
OP posts:
KO81 · 09/01/2022 14:13

It might not be ‘wrong’ for him to be in bed until lunch time, it might not be up to OP to have a say in how he parents his daughter… but don’t those posters defending his right to leave her to it think it’s a bit shit that on one of the very few days he has his daughter, he’d rather have a huge lie in than actually spend any time with her? By the time he’s up, she’ll have only a handful of hours with him before she goes home or goes to bed.

AnnieAreYouOkHun · 09/01/2022 14:17

Maybe he's ill?

Skeumorph · 09/01/2022 14:17

Oh god the whataboutery.

He's not spending time with her having a 'lazy day' - he's ignoring her. She's gone in to ask him, in not so many words, to engage with her, and he can't be bothered. Much less actually take the initiative to make their time togehter quality time, to show her that he wants to be with her.

OP, there's nothing you can do, he's busy making his bed (the irony!) and one day, he'll get to lie in it. For the rest of her life :)

She will vote with her feet when the time comes and you will hopefully support her in that.

Winniemarysarah · 09/01/2022 14:18

@blubberyboo

The child has two parents and the one that’s meant to be taking care of her is currently doing zero parenting

Lol omg did you ever hear the like of it?

What exactly is the definition of parenting?
Hovering around them all day? Doing everything for them? Constant days out?

It is a 24 he responsibility to be a parent but that doesn’t mean you have to be switched on actually doing something all the time.
Leaving kids to their own space is a good thing. Allowing them some independence grows a child. Normal parents have lie ins sometimes so it is good for a father daughter bond to show each other that they can let their guard down around each other and just exist as the real person they are. Not put on a fake full on “ let’s go ice skating today” persona every time they have access. She gets to see her dad warts and all.

If this was a one off or occasional thing I’d be inclined to assume he was ill or having a bad day and leave it. At best I’d mention at pick up that DS was bored out of her mind while you lay in.

Yes, that’s EXACTLY what I said. It’s definitely stay in bed and don’t interact with your child at all on one of the rare occasions you have them, or hover round them 24/7 and wait on them hand and foot all day. There is absolutely no in between. Tit 🙄

Op I would go down there with the pure intention of causing drama. Your child deserves better than a lazy shit of a father who cba to even get out of bed on his day with her. All of the other pp’s excuses don’t wash with me. I’ve NEVER stayed in bed all day with any of my children. If you’re tired and want a lazy day then that’s fine. You get up with them, have breakfast together, cosy up in the living room and stick some films on. I can’t believe the people on here excusing poor parenting as ‘teaching them independence’. There are plenty of ways to teach independence that don’t involve leaving your 8 year old daughter you only see every week or two alone all day due to sheer fucking laziness

3mealsaday · 09/01/2022 14:19

Does he live far away?

I'd be tempted to go over there and take her out for a walk/hot chocolate. He can hardly complain about you spending time with her if he doesn't want to.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 09/01/2022 14:19

@LalalalalalaLand123

I would ring him/go and pick her up, bollocks to it’s nothing to do with you, it’s everything to do with you.

Absolutely. I am shocked that anyone would say this has nothing to do with you OP - he is neglecting the child, she is too young to be left unsupervised. It's not enough to say 'the child could wake him if there was a problem' - often a problem occurs in an unsupervised situation resulting in a child being unable to alert a grown-up (eg injury, she might leave the property, open the door to a stranger etc).

Of course it's not neglect to have a one-off lie in while your 8yo watches TV Hmm

She's eight, not four - more than capable of being on her own for a bit while her dad sleeps. He's in the bedroom, not on Mars!

Inastatus · 09/01/2022 14:22

I think it’s unacceptable to spend half the day in bed when you are in sole charge of a child unless you are ill. It’s sad that he doesn’t want to spend quality time with his DD and won’t even get up to have breakfast with her. I wouldn’t blame her if she started saying she didn’t want to go to her Dads.

JugglingJanuary · 09/01/2022 14:22

@MrsKDB

That’s awful. Your poor daughter. 😥
Oh dial down the drama!!

She's 8 years, not 8 months still sat in a dirty nappy crying for a bottle.

It might not be ideal, but the 8 year old is fine

It's not awful poor DD tears worthy FGS

MargaretThursday · 09/01/2022 14:26

8yo is about the age that I would expect them to be able to get up, get breakfast and be safe, so I wouldn't have worries on that side.

She may actually be enjoying the freedom on her own. I know mine (although there were 3) sometimes really enjoyed the feeling that they were sorting things on their own. They were normally pretty sensible, but would do things like make cheese sandwiches and "have a picnic" on the living room floor, or organise themselves into a party. I'd listen quietly to step in if things got out of hand, but let them get on with it. They loved doing it, and I don't think ever they were unsafe. Worst that ever happened was a lot of tidying up at the end.

It's certainly possible dad has half an ear on the situation, and can tell she's having a lovely time, so doesn't want to spoil it.

amylou8 · 09/01/2022 14:27

She's not bothered, that's the main thing. She's fed, clean and safe. Pretty rubbish behaviour from him though given the limited amount of time he sees her.

UserError012345 · 09/01/2022 14:27

I don't think my DD would ever let me sleep in that late.

I do think it's slightly neglectful (not SS neglectful) especially as he doesn't see her every day.

He needs to be careful that it's not too often as she'll soon decide for herself not to go.

megletthesecond · 09/01/2022 14:27

It's awful because he barely sees her.

And to be fair, as a totally lone parent (I never get nights off) I've never slept in until that time even when I'm ill. So he has no excuse.

Cak92942 · 09/01/2022 14:27

Of course it's unacceptable. Who wants to spend their day in best. But I can't seem to lie in even when I'm exhausted I like to be up at a half decent time!

Doesn't sound like she's in any danger but it's not right she's just sitting around waiting for him to wake up! My kids would be pulling the house apart 😅

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