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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable to sleep till 12.30 pm when you have a child?

184 replies

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 12:46

My daughter is 8 - she goes to her dads every second weekend and once in the week every second week.

I'm just off FaceTime to her and her dad was still sleeping! She said she got up at 9 am and made her own breakfast and that her dad has been in bed saying '10 more minutes' since then.

It's now 12.30 pm, she is dressed, hair and teeth brushed and he's still lying in his bed. This has happened before but only till about 11 am, never the middle of the afternoon. Daughter doesn't seem too bothered.

Granted over the Christmas holidays there was a few times when I said 'okay I've left breakfast stuff out, help yourself so I can have a little lie in' but that was till around 10 am tops and that was after a busy festive period.

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to be sleeping till that time when he has his daughter? Maybe I'm being sensitive so I want to be sure before I say anything to him. I could understand more if he had her full time but surely on the days you have your child you'd want to spend time with her rather than sleeping?

Must say, it's nothing to do with alcohol or drugs, he doesn't drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
mermaidgiraffe · 09/01/2022 13:26

Considering she got up at 9 it isn't actually that bad. That's what, 3.5 hours?

Besides, considering she's not bothered then I don't think you can say anything really.

itsgettingweird · 09/01/2022 13:27

@Lipity

All those saying “go get her, it’s not acceptable”

It’s literally nothing to do with the mum. Nothing. DD is in no harm, she’s fed and washed, what her dad does or doesn’t do whilst they are together is nobody’s business but theirs.

Some of you don’t co-parent and it shows

This.

When you are separated it's really hard when you don't like how the other parent is parenting (both ways!)

But unless he is putting her at risk of harm then he can parent how he chooses.

What will happen is she'll want to stop going because of this and she's coming up to the age a court would take her view into account.

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:28

Okay I won't say anything to him. Yes daughter seems fine, a little frustrated he isn't getting up but like I said she fed herself and got herself organised and made a den. Hopefully he is up now and spending time with her.

OP posts:
Wotagain · 09/01/2022 13:28

@Wotagain

No kids to look after though
@flowersinherhairinjune what I meant was my son is sleeping for ages with omicron but he has no kids to look after! Oh for a MN edit button Grin
GTAlogic · 09/01/2022 13:29

She's obviously able to go and talk to him since he's said "10 more minutes" a few times so if anything drastic were to happen he'd be there. It's not ideal but it could be worse: when my sibling and I used to stay at my dad's every weekend at that age he'd go out to the pub, leaving us in the house alone, until 2a.m. and then come back wrecked and we'd be unable to wake him until lunchtime.

StrawberryFever · 09/01/2022 13:29

If it's a one off and not self-induced, I'd assume he's unwell. If so, hardly a cause for judgement. If ever an RP posts saying they're unwell how do they look after their (much younger than 8yo) DC, everyone rushes to say, a day in front of the TV won't harm them, take yourself back to bed and get takeaway for dinner. It's a shame for your dd AND her dad that it's coincided with their contact time, but NRPs can no more control when they get unwell than RPs. So yabu

If it's just that he was up really late gaming/watching TV/..., then yanbu.

Winniemarysarah · 09/01/2022 13:31

@Lipity

All those saying “go get her, it’s not acceptable”

It’s literally nothing to do with the mum. Nothing. DD is in no harm, she’s fed and washed, what her dad does or doesn’t do whilst they are together is nobody’s business but theirs.

Some of you don’t co-parent and it shows

It has everything to do with the mum, it’s her daughter! The child has two parents and the one that’s meant to be taking care of her is currently doing zero parenting. Some of us have standards. I couldn’t give a shiny shite about what other people think is acceptable when it comes to interfering with what goes on in the other household, if my 8yo daughter informed me that it was now the afternoon and her dad was refusing to get out of bed then I’d be over there like a shot and there would be absolute hell to pay. He only sees her a few times a month ffs.
Op does your daughter want to come home?
Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:31

@Wotagain oh sorry, I thought you were saying my ex had no kids to look after 🤣 sorry about that!

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:32

@Wotagain hope your son is on the mend!

OP posts:
Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:37

@Winniemarysarah my daughter would always be at home if she had a choice, she loves her dad but she's getting to a point where she's started to show resistance going to his house but I think it's just because the majority of her stuff is here and we have a good routine. She didn't say when I spoke to her if she wanted to come home and I didn't ask Blush I just didn't want to ask and then she says yes I want to come home and then it would have caused a big drama with her dad as it is his weekend at the end of the day.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2022 13:38

It's crazy that her dad isn't spending time with her, but I don't think it is a risk issue so I wouldn't say anything.

In fairness, my 8yo was alone downstairs while I was working for that period during lockdown at times (albeit with her older sister).

3mealsaday · 09/01/2022 13:39

If she's bored, suggest she gets out the pots and pans and starts having an impromptu concert.

Justgettingbye · 09/01/2022 13:40

His weekend he can do what he wants as long as she's safe

KO81 · 09/01/2022 13:40

@flowersinherhairinjune

Okay I won't say anything to him. Yes daughter seems fine, a little frustrated he isn't getting up but like I said she fed herself and got herself organised and made a den. Hopefully he is up now and spending time with her.
Made a den? That made me smile. She might be eight and capable of looking after herself, but she’s still a kid.

I think that’s really shabby of him, really shabby, but I appreciate your hands are a little tied.

mvmvmvmv · 09/01/2022 13:41

Has he recently had his booster and maybe having bad side effects? Or perhaps has a migraine or genuinely not feeling well?

BungleandGeorge · 09/01/2022 13:44

An average 8 year old wouldn’t be unsafe at home with a parent in bed so I don’t think you can do much really. If he doesn’t put the effort in their relationship will suffer but I don’t think you should get involved in that unless there are safety issues

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:45

@mvmvmvmv

Has he recently had his booster and maybe having bad side effects? Or perhaps has a migraine or genuinely not feeling well?
He hasn't had any vaccines 😬 he has covid about 4 months ago.
OP posts:
Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:46

@KO81 I know Grin she loves her dens so she does!

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 09/01/2022 13:47

I saw my dad every other weekend. He worked every single Saturday I was at his and on Sunday would wash his car and do DIY. My stepmum looked after me most of the time. When I was old enough to decide I stopped going

megletthesecond · 09/01/2022 13:49

Yanbu.
If it happens again I'd be having words. If she's there he needs to be up much earlier.

Confrontayshunme · 09/01/2022 13:49

Our kids happily have a simple breakfast and play on the ipad or with toys on a weekend morning. I had to be quiet when my dad rested from his 6 day a week job on a Sunday afternoon. Doesn't make us terrible parents. Resting instead of taking your kid out for a flurry of activities every time they have a day off school is okay, and it doesn't mean someone doesn't love or care for their children.

Emerald5hamrock · 09/01/2022 13:50

I wouldn't lie in on my DC unless DP was up.
Even then 10am is my limit.
It's a waste.

blubberyboo · 09/01/2022 13:51

The child has two parents and the one that’s meant to be taking care of her is currently doing zero parenting

Lol omg did you ever hear the like of it?

What exactly is the definition of parenting?
Hovering around them all day? Doing everything for them? Constant days out?

It is a 24 he responsibility to be a parent but that doesn’t mean you have to be switched on actually doing something all the time.
Leaving kids to their own space is a good thing. Allowing them some independence grows a child. Normal parents have lie ins sometimes so it is good for a father daughter bond to show each other that they can let their guard down around each other and just exist as the real person they are. Not put on a fake full on “ let’s go ice skating today” persona every time they have access. She gets to see her dad warts and all.

If this was a one off or occasional thing I’d be inclined to assume he was ill or having a bad day and leave it. At best I’d mention at pick up that DS was bored out of her mind while you lay in.

Original poster
flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 13:51

@Confrontayshunme

Our kids happily have a simple breakfast and play on the ipad or with toys on a weekend morning. I had to be quiet when my dad rested from his 6 day a week job on a Sunday afternoon. Doesn't make us terrible parents. Resting instead of taking your kid out for a flurry of activities every time they have a day off school is okay, and it doesn't mean someone doesn't love or care for their children.
Absolutely agree but when you have them so little then personally I would want to be out of bed and spending time with them. On the weekends she's at her dads I can lie in as much as I want, I can do whatever I like. And when she is with me he can do that also. He has 20-21 days/nights out of the month to rest.
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 09/01/2022 13:52

Surely the key point here is that he only has her 4 full days a month. If he can't be arsed to make the most of that, it's pretty sad. It's not the same as an RP who has then almost all the time having a one off extra couple of hours. Having said that, I wouldn't suggest the op raises it as there's no danger involved, but worth remembering as an example for when the dd starts saying she won't go.

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