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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unacceptable to sleep till 12.30 pm when you have a child?

184 replies

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 12:46

My daughter is 8 - she goes to her dads every second weekend and once in the week every second week.

I'm just off FaceTime to her and her dad was still sleeping! She said she got up at 9 am and made her own breakfast and that her dad has been in bed saying '10 more minutes' since then.

It's now 12.30 pm, she is dressed, hair and teeth brushed and he's still lying in his bed. This has happened before but only till about 11 am, never the middle of the afternoon. Daughter doesn't seem too bothered.

Granted over the Christmas holidays there was a few times when I said 'okay I've left breakfast stuff out, help yourself so I can have a little lie in' but that was till around 10 am tops and that was after a busy festive period.

AIBU to think it is unacceptable to be sleeping till that time when he has his daughter? Maybe I'm being sensitive so I want to be sure before I say anything to him. I could understand more if he had her full time but surely on the days you have your child you'd want to spend time with her rather than sleeping?

Must say, it's nothing to do with alcohol or drugs, he doesn't drink or take drugs.

OP posts:
Sowhatifiam · 09/01/2022 14:28

If you're no longer together, how can you be sure he doesn't drink or take drugs? I don't think it's that common to sleep that late unless you're sleeping something off

Lol. What an assumption. Some of us work hard and are knackered. A long lie in is just what we need at the weekend. In my case, my kids are now teens so if I want to lie in till 12, I have no qualms about doing so. In fact, these days, I often wait till I can smell the eldest having put the coffee on and then get up! When they were younger, they were taught to make cereal and toast and not bother me until 10am unless they were worried or upset about something.

Eleganz · 09/01/2022 14:39

@KO81

It might not be ‘wrong’ for him to be in bed until lunch time, it might not be up to OP to have a say in how he parents his daughter… but don’t those posters defending his right to leave her to it think it’s a bit shit that on one of the very few days he has his daughter, he’d rather have a huge lie in than actually spend any time with her? By the time he’s up, she’ll have only a handful of hours with him before she goes home or goes to bed.
It is shit, but it is not dangerous, her daughter seems safe, is dressed and fed and occupying herself. OP barging in and removing her daughter or otherwise overstepping is a bad idea and could backfire on her. This is his time with his daughter and he is responsible and will face the consequences of his own choices. OP even acknowledges that she has done similar herself, but that is okay for her to do, because it was 10 or 11 am and not later...

I can just imagine what life would be like if I removed my daughter from my ex every time I thought he didn't parent perfectly.

Chocolatehamper · 09/01/2022 14:41

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus

I think it's really sad that he gets such limited time with her and wants to spend so much of it in bed ignoring her. If he doesn't want to see her in the mornings what's the point in her staying there?

So he can put her to bed?!! We all parent differently, perhaps they enjoy time together at night time - reading stories/talking through their days etc?

Perhaps the OP should concentrate more on her weekend off rather than what her ex is doing? His loss.

ElleGettingBetter · 09/01/2022 14:48

@blubberyboo

The child has two parents and the one that’s meant to be taking care of her is currently doing zero parenting

Lol omg did you ever hear the like of it?

What exactly is the definition of parenting?
Hovering around them all day? Doing everything for them? Constant days out?

It is a 24 he responsibility to be a parent but that doesn’t mean you have to be switched on actually doing something all the time.
Leaving kids to their own space is a good thing. Allowing them some independence grows a child. Normal parents have lie ins sometimes so it is good for a father daughter bond to show each other that they can let their guard down around each other and just exist as the real person they are. Not put on a fake full on “ let’s go ice skating today” persona every time they have access. She gets to see her dad warts and all.

If this was a one off or occasional thing I’d be inclined to assume he was ill or having a bad day and leave it. At best I’d mention at pick up that DS was bored out of her mind while you lay in.

LOL OMG he has her 2 weekends a month, so he’s hardly on the go and responsible for parenting 24 hours a day is he?
Worried456776 · 09/01/2022 14:50

It has everything to do with the mum, it’s her daughter! The child has two parents and the one that’s meant to be taking care of her is currently doing zero parenting. Some of us have standards. I couldn’t give a shiny shite about what other people think is acceptable when it comes to interfering with what goes on in the other household, if my 8yo daughter informed me that it was now the afternoon and her dad was refusing to get out of bed then I’d be over there like a shot and there would be absolute hell to pay. He only sees her a few times a month ffs.
Op does your daughter want to come home?

THIS!^

disgusting behaviour I would also be fuming. She’s tried to wake him and and he’s refused saying 10 more minutes multiple times ?

I’d go and get her too how can he think this is ok ? Poor girl just wants to spend time with her dad and he’s so lazy he’s spent half the day in bed.

Lipity · 09/01/2022 14:51

@Winniemarysarah you’d go over there with the intention of causing drama…which would be better for your child how? Or would it actually be about mummy coming to rescue and proving how shit daddy is?

It doesn’t matter if it’s wrong or not, ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. It’s a hard lesson to learn when you split up but men have as much right and say over your children as you do.

What’s next, marching over there because the level of interaction isn’t up to your standards? The day out wasn’t good enough? You’d be laughed out of court if you tried that

BurntO · 09/01/2022 14:52

As a one off it’s okay. Pretty sad considering his limited time with her, this is how it is being spent though.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2022 14:55

I’m in two minds!

I’m a massive night owl. I find it hard to haul myself out of bed, and do need to lie in a bit on weekends.

That said, if I have the kids (youngest almost 8) I would limit it to 10 ish as it’s not fair on them. Tbh Saturdays they have hobbies so I’m always up at 8.30/9 and Sunday I have a hobby that starts at 10 so I’m pretty constrained.

I did sleep til 11 ish a couple of days in the holidays though.

Exh is more of a morning person that I am but I get annoyed he sometimes goes to bed before my eldest does (I’m talking going to bed at 8.30 pm or something), as I seems lonely to me for her to be up on her own. But I don’t suggest she doesn’t stay there because of it (she’s 13 anyway).

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/01/2022 14:56

(My hobby happens right outside our house and kids can join in if they choose)

speakout · 09/01/2022 14:57

You have no say or control of what he does when he has his daughter.

This unfortunately.

Unless you think he is taking drugs or in a drunken stupor he isn't doing anything illegal.
The fact that she can rouse him enough for him to say "10 more minutes" suggests he would act in an emergency but just being lazy.
It's not a great sitauation, but not neglect.

TheCreamCaker · 09/01/2022 14:58

Why would any grown man need to sleep until 12.30 unless they've had a late night before, had an illness, or had a hangover? He sounds an idle git and a crap dad. My son has his kids fortnightly for the weekend, and he gets up and does their breakfast, takes them out, cooks dinner, etc.

FourTeaFallOut · 09/01/2022 15:03

An illness? No I can't think of any illnesses going around that leaves people exhausted before they even know they have it. Hmm

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 15:03

If it’s every now and then it’s ok but not acceptable all of the time.
Surely you’d want to spend as much time with her as possible if you only get to see her EOW.

However he is her other parent so unless you think she’s in danger then there’s nothing you can do or say about it.

SocialConnection · 09/01/2022 15:04

The time he could have had with her he's wasted by sleeping it away.

Looks like you spending that time with her by phone or face time is the best option. Keeps her busy, you know she's well, and demonstrates a very different attitude to her.

Wallywobbles · 09/01/2022 15:05

@Wotagain

Has he got the omicron variant? My adult DS has it and he’s sleeping 14 hours solid at the moment and still wakes up tired.
Get him the biggest doses of VitD you can find. It may well help.
runsmidgeOMG · 09/01/2022 15:09

I mean I'm not adverse to letting my almost 6 year old play on her own between 530/6 when she often wakes till 730 in her room next to mine so I can catch an extra hour or two or putting the tv on at the earlier time and having a snooze on the sofa....

But 1230 or in fact any time past a reasonable breakfast time is unreasonable especially as he has limited time with her. I think what you may be going for OP is you're disappointed he doesn't WANT to be up and spending time with her, even if it's chilling and doing nothing, just enjoying each other's company.

Previous posters are right. When she's older she might get bored of going if she's not enjoying herself. That'll be for him to answer then. I severely hope he pulls his finger out before it's too late. No one's asking for constant day trips but an 8 yr old wanting to spend time with her father... it's sad :(

Applefruitcake · 09/01/2022 15:12

I mean it's pretty awful considering he only has her every other weekend. You'd think he'd want to spend as much time with her as possible. Maybe an extra hour while she gets ready, but unless he works night shifts sleeping until 12.30 is just lazy. But then again she's not in danger, I don't think you can tell him how to parent.

ivykaty44 · 09/01/2022 15:15

why is it unacceptable?

at 8 years old I was entertaining myself on Sunday mornings, playing board games with the cat, playing in the garden and playing in my room

what do you see as the problem?

NickiWap · 09/01/2022 15:18

It's a shame but your dd isn't in any danger, I'd just leave him to it. You can't micromanage how your ex chooses to parent no matter how much you dislike him.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/01/2022 15:18

I wouldn't make a big deal if it's a one off.

But if you are on OK terms I would ring and say you want her to want to come to him, and children want attention so it's not ideal.

3mealsaday · 09/01/2022 15:19

It is different being on your own in your own home as an 8 year old where you have all your stuff and can potter about to being in a house where you only spend EOW.

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 09/01/2022 15:19

I did this today Xmas Blush

I was absolutely exhausted, it wasn't intentional. Unless he's doing it every time she visits I wouldn't make a massive deal of it tbh.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/01/2022 15:20

It's super shit that he cannot be arsed to get up at the same time as her one single day in a fortnight.

Shit dad imo.

Pinkfluffyunicornsandrainbows · 09/01/2022 15:20

I wouldn't like this either, she's only young at 8 and has been left to look after herself all morning while her dad has stayed in bed till 12.30pm or later. I would definitely say something just so he knows it's not really acceptable to do this while he has dd staying. If she was older then fair enough but her being 8 and probably wanting some kind of interaction with him makes it sad. He can sleep in all day wen he has days off and doesn't have his dd to look after. If he wants to stay in bed all morning then maybe she could just go for the day and not stay over. That's my opinion anyway.

FilthyforFirth · 09/01/2022 15:22

Jeez the bar is so low for a lot of you. Excusing away such lazy and selfish behaviour. I wonder what the responses might have been if the mum was sleeping in until mid day?