To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

They wouldn’t allow me to. Simple as that.

I know people who have been through the process and been rejected ultimately for the most spurious reasons.

[quote P0pc0rn]@BooksAndGin

So you know one couple that couldn't cope and sent their child back, and that means that 99% of adopted children are very damaged? Makes sense.[/quote]
Actually it's pretty well known these days that most adopted children do suffer from that trauma. To ignore that is stupid and hugely damaging to the child.

I think that there are a few things

• it’s an invasive process
• with babies and little kids you don’t know what problems could emerge, with older kids there are often complex needs
• there is more to think about

However

• the public perception of adoption is out of date. There are more babies and young children up for adoption than there used to be
• the support is good

It’s definitely worth looking into

I know someone who has adopted.
I used to work in foster care.

Yes, you are being almost totally naive. But if you are willing to properly learn about it, then yes it might be for you. It wont be up to me to decide, but the authorites.

I’m not mentally strong enough- my own children are hard enough and I gave birth to them and love them unconditionally. I can’t hand on heart say I could offer the same to a child that wasn’t biologically mine.

If you are considering overseas adoption then you need to be prepared to learn everything about their language, culture, heritage etc. I know (white) friends who have adopted Korean children, they have always been very open regarding their culture and heritage. Now they are growing up those children are curious and want to visit the country of their birth and discover, in a sense, where they actually come from.

Having adopted myself I am amazed people adopt at all having survived the approval process and jumped the myriad number of hurdles placed before us.
In my opinion the system needs a radical overhaul.from top.to bottom to prioritise the children who should be at the centre of the process. I am also a foster carer and again the system is woefully inadequate at prioritizing the children and imo gives too many chances to birth families and takes too long to release children for adoption and get them settled in permenant homes.
The adoption system also offers little real support post adoption and many families are left dealing with children who are challenging due to trauma in their early lives.
I am seriously passionate about fostering and adoption myself and I find it disheartening to see the whole system under such pressure that it struggles to cope

I looked at this and we went to a few starter sessions. They told us in no uncertain terms that babies would be likely to be born with addictions, or it would be temporary care whilst waiting on a decision by the courts. Once approved you often get little warning, so that may be an issue depending on what job you have. There is a rigorous approval process, quite rightly, but they said there was no upper age limit. They made it very clear that you need to expect the child to have problems, it’s not the movies where a young mum gives up her healthy baby to an older couple. The testing tries to ensure you are capable to withstand these problems and how to deal with them. We felt that as we both work, we may not be able to give round the clock care that a child with additional needs may require, and whilst nursery is great (I personally think a must as it helps socialisation), this may not be suitable for some adoptees.

@alltitchy

I'm not saying that children who are adopted are not likely to have experienced trauma which will need additional support to work through. But to say that 99% of us are "very damaged" is pretty insulting.

We wanted to adopt after our only child died a few years ago. I wasn’t prepared to ttc again in case I had another sick baby.

We looked into adoption a lot and were keen to adopt siblings, but there were lots of hoops to jump through so we decided against it.

@adoptionthoughts

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

Why do you think oversea adoption is a good idea? Removing a children from their culture and language will make things incredibly difficult for them.

You could always foster to adopt ? I fostered and offered to take an SGO for my boy but SS didn't get their act together. A friend fostered a sibling group at 2,4&6 and adopted them at 13,15,16.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I think it's particularly naive to think that trauma only exhibits itself in later life' - I knew several kids who are adopted and they have needed a lot of love, care and support from the outset, with plenty of full-on and intense parenting needs as soon as they are placed.

The parents also tell me that support for them is negligible to the point of being non-existent at times, although I don't know if this varies from area to area, or depending on the child's age. While the process for being assessed and approved for adoption is gruelling and intrusive, the 'after-care' is limited and doesn't extend much past the first couple of weeks.

I have only read the first post.

I totally agree with you, on a very practical level and it’s exactly why we adopted. However the process is intrusive and you are placed under more scrutiny than biological parents which is right because you have to be a particular type of person to parent adopted kids.

The child comes first, even if it hurts, you have to find a balanced way of talking about their background and biological family which is going to keep them safe but not build on the trauma that they have already experienced. There is no place for ego in adoption.
I know that people would say all that about birth parenting but it’s more so with adoption and some people can’t do that. If it’s important to them to have the biological connection, the genetic link, the continuation of the gene pool then adoption isn’t for them.

Also, our boys were both babies, but we adopted a sibling group from an uncertain background. It is possible to adopt babies but even then it won’t come without challenges.

"I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing"

If you adopt it should be because you want a child. I don't think wanting to give a child a better life should be the main motivation.

Overseas adoption comes with a whole extra set of risks and issues (including exploitation).

sites.uab.edu/humanrights/2018/03/13/orphan-fever-the-dark-side-of-international-adoption/

@Nocutenamesleft

My friend is a child psychiatrist. She specialises in children under the age of 2 who have had severe trauma

Something like 93% of children she sees are adopted

I asked her once if they can ever recover. She said no. They could lead a normal life with therapy for their lives.

It’s so so sad.

See, this doesn't phase me in the slightest.

And we have a large family home with lots of space and the money to fund any therapy or care needed.

But still...I'm fat and have (a completely stable with medication) MH issue. So I can't.

They take far too much of a broad brush approach.

I've worked in the care system and I've worked with adoptive parents when adoption has broken down. I appreciate I only see the negative cases - no-one needs a lawyer when things are going well!

My main thoughts are that there is a huge lack of support and resources at all parts of the process, from initial child protection intervention all the way through to post adoption services and it is an absolute travesty that lets down the most vulnerable children, birth parents and adoptive parents. It makes me so angry and I would never personally adopt because if problems do arise the lack of help is often deafening. I have DC with SEN already and feel abandoned by health and education even on the most basic issues.

I have one biological child and one step daughter and had always wanted to adopt. I love my step daughter as if she was my own. I can't adopt as I only live in a two bed, low income and single. I am not blood connected to my step daughter but I love her so much x

I think people are being a bit harsh to Thunderbolted. When we were thinking of having a family I was imagining a mini DH and me. I love DH (mostly, not so much when he doesn't properly turn off taps and leaves them dripping) and I though it would be cute to see some of his features on a baby and have the child grow up and have some of our quirks and personalities. And my adoptive son has recently become a father and it IS bloody cute to see him in her face and expressions, the way that she's an extreme extrovert like him and the temper when she's hungry and the food isn't coming fast enough.

I couldn't love my DC anymore than I do, even if they had been born to us. But it's perfectly alright if people already know that they only want little versions of themselves and their partner. They are not bad people because they like themselves and their partner and want tiny, cute versions of the same.

Overseas adoption is even more difficult than UK adoption - as it absolutely should be. It's colonial AF, risks contributing directly to exploitation and gives me the ick on every level.

Been struggling TC for 6 years now. Many people have suggested adoption to me and it's a huge no.

There's nothing wrong with adoption. People who are able to take in other people's children and treat them as their own and provide a life for them that they never would've had are absolute saints but it's not for everyone. You've got to take other things in to consideration;

1. Some people aren't maternal. Pregnancy gives the chance to get that maternal bond. I for one do not go 'goo goo' at babies so adopting would make me feel weird around said kid. Not a given, but not a chance I'm willing to take.
2. The reason for wanting a child in the first place. I'd like a child that was half me and half my partner, something we created together and that's going to leave our legacy in this world. I don't want a baby just as something to dress up and take to play dates.
3. I want the joy of seeing a positive test, watching my baby grow and feel it kicking inside me. Why should I be denied this to bring up someone elses child and 'be happy with that.'?

To each their own - nothing wrong with adopting OP and if that's the choice you and your partner want then go for it and f*ck what everyone else thinks :)

@wheresmymojo is that a blanket rule about bipolar? I had assumed DH's bipolar would be something we'd need to discuss if we went down that route but didn't realise it would be an automatic no.

Forgot to mention but we weren't well off. We lived in a 2 bed semi in the North West. Only had a couple of grand savings, average earners etc Dh was only 2 years into remission from cancer (chemo resulted in infertility) and I've always been a bit overweight. Also, it was 2nd marriage for me but that didn't cause any problems. We were honest with Social Workers about what type of child, with what types of needs, background etc we felt we could cope with, sounds harsh but honesty on both sides is crucial to a successful adoption. Our son did have some special needs but they were ones we felt confident at being able to deal with. A neighbour who adopted at the same time suffered a heartbreaking adoption breakdown, due to having a child placed with them who they were totally out of their depth to deal with. I knew there were people out there better equipped than us to adopt children with certain special needs and we were honest from the start about what we felt we were able to cope with and our Social Worker listened to us.