To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

A good place to start- "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier. The wants and desires of an adoptive parent are no longer priority and rightly so. Said as an adult adoptee hitting 40 and in eternal recovery.

We adopted our ds at age 3. The assessment process was thorough, as you would expect, but nothing too difficult. We went into it prepared to be open and honest about every aspect of our lives. Babies were very rare but we were told we'd eventually be offered one, however, to us a 3 year old was practically a baby. In some ways it was better as he could talk to us and we bonded very quickly. It hasn't been a total walk in the park, we've certainly had our ups and downs and still do, but who is to say we wouldn't have had those with a birth child? It still remains the best thing we ever did.

First off adjust your expectations you are highly unlikely to get a baby.

Secondly having watched a friend gonthrough it I could never do it. The kids are mostly lovely but they came from a horrific background and she has had 2 adoptions reversed due to the severity of issues. The social workers lied through their teeth as did the Foster families the children came from. Had she (or anyone) been told the truth those kiddies would never have been placed the way they were.

There is precious little support for adoptive parents or kids and the mental impact of events on early childhood often are not apparent until teenage years by which time social services have washed their hands and as everyone knows trying to get support from camhs is often a lottery at best and often you'd have more success searching for unicorn poo than getting support from them.

Adopting a very small baby still doesn't eradicate the "risks" as you put it. Babies are often born addicted to drugs or with foetal alcohol syndrome. This still causes issues and health problems. I have friends who have adopted children right from babies, who were born to drug addicted mothers. My friends are amazing parents but those children are hard work. I think you're naive about the whole adoption process in general.

For me personally I would love to adopt.

But I'd want a gap between my kids and the new kids.

I dont want them too close in age as I dont want it to affect my kids too much.

Unfortunately from the research I've done a lot of the children that are up for adoption have had a very bad start in life in this country. Some have very severe health issues and they need a lot of care and attention. Ive heard horror stories where despite knowing the child has health issues or possibly fetal alchol syndrome the social worker doesnt tell the potential adopter and it causes a lot of heartache. I don't want this to adversely affect my kids.

I'd there was a guarantee of having a healthy child with limited chances of mental abuse having occurred then yes its fine. But children in this country are only taken from the birth parents as a last resort. It's not like other countries- USA- where people give children up for adoption because they cant afford them/ or dont want the child. Here if the baby is not wanted it is more likely to be aborted.

So if I do adopt it would be when my kids are much older and less likely to be adversely affected.

Almost all of these comments are negative, so I'll give a positive.
Speaking from experience, although it was 9 years ago, the process wasn't "brutal" at all!
A few meetings/assessments - character references - background check. Nothing too invasive and certainly no horrendous questions asked like one poster above mentioned.
Not too dissimilar from a job interview.
Failed IVF, wasn't a home owner.
Then once accepted a few preparation classes with a group of other adopters.
This was with CAMS. 10 week old baby.
Perhaps things have changed drastically in 9 years?

[quote P0pc0rn]@BooksAndGin Sun 09-Jan-22 12:17:28
Because the children are 99 percent of the time very damaged children. You need the patience of a saint and the ability to work through their problems one step at a time.
You're being extremely naive to think it's all flowers and roses.

Attitudes like this for example. Do you actually know any people who were adopted?[/quote]
Yes I do. Sadly I know of a couple whose adoption failed because they could not cope.

Hence why I'm brutally honest - you really do need patience of a saint and to have that understanding for the child's sake.

It's very hard to be approved for adoption from what I understand.
There aren't that many babies put up for adoption.

I'm not allowed to adopt because...

A) I'm too fat. Despite the fact I have zero illnesses related to being overweight and no mobility issues or anything like that

B) I have bipolar disorder. Despite the fact that I've been stable since I was diagnosed ten year's ago and there's no reason to think I won't continue being stable.

We have a lovely family home, we're a very stable and content couple with lots of family support. I have a very responsible job and we both work from home.

We'd be a perfect family for adoption as I had trauma in childhood and lots of therapy for that so, as a consequence, am very switched on about the kind of challenges any adoptee would face.

Honestly, it feels very discriminatory to me.

I’m an adopter twice over. Please don’t think that you will ‘dodge a bullet’ if you adopt a baby. My easy-to-place/no-needs baby is now a teenager and is blind (due to her in utero drug and alcohol exposure) and is currently being assessed for ADHD/ASD, plus a host of other issues/conditions/labels. She is a remarkable young women and, in the main, it has been a privilege to parent her. But parenting adoptive children can come at great cost down the years in terms of having to give up jobs or careers when the children’s needs become all-consuming, splintered relationships and friendships, constant conflict with schools and authority to fight for the right education or support, and the general wear and tear on one’s physical and mental well-being and health.

Please read up on secondary trauma among any research you may consider.

@LindaEllen and you sound incredibly naive.

Good point on the newborn thing as well. Even babies removed at birth seem to go into foster care first and I've heard some pretty grim stories about the level of 'care'
those babies received

NB I'm sure there are very many deeply loving and caring foster parents - just not ones I've heard about.

Sorry I meant coram, not cams

@beansprout55 thank you for sharing some positivity!

The barriers people have put on here to be honest don't seem that 'brutal' to me. Being asked how I'd feel if I saw DD masturbate or needing to own my own home and have a spare room non of this seems unreasonable to me at all.

I should be able to answer these types of questions if I'm adoption a child! I would expect scrutiny.

Yes I think you are being naïve.

Adoption is no picnic. God love adoptive parents and adoptees, all power to you.

It's such a difficult process. I know people who have adopted and it's extremely intrusive. I'm not saying that isn't justified, but (for example) social services will speak to close family and friends and ask them for their in-depth views on how strong the adoptive couple's relationship is. They will probe every aspect of the potential adopter's life.

There's also the issue that if you are adopting any child beyond infancy, they will probably have been damaged in some way by whatever it is that's made adoption necessary, so you may find yourself dealing with very difficult and distressing behaviour.

I know three people of my generation who have adopted. There were no young children suitable so they adopted toddlers from abroad, which was expensive as well as complicated. One has grown to be a lovely young woman, the other two have ongoing mental health issues, but have loving parents trying their best to give them support and a stable home.
There are few babies available and the process is intense no matter what age you are adopting.

And given that children who are adopted have typically experienced extreme trauma, in vitro included, there is the sum total of fuck all support for families (do you sense my frustration). I think the Government exploits adoptive parents in this respect. You are better to foster and so have to access to funding and support.

My friend is a child psychiatrist. She specialises in children under the age of 2 who have had severe trauma

Something like 93% of children she sees are adopted

I asked her once if they can ever recover. She said no. They could lead a normal life with therapy for their lives.

It’s so so sad.

@BooksAndGin

So you know one couple that couldn't cope and sent their child back, and that means that 99% of adopted children are very damaged? Makes sense.

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

My DH was very interested in adoption but I have a few reservations.

1. DH is overweight and I doubt he would be approved. He is an excellent hands on dad but I do understand why they would have issues with that.
2. I believe there is a certain period after the child is placed where it can go either way. This is obviously a much needed to process to ensure they are the right parents for the child but to fall in love with a child and then say goodbye would be pretty difficult.
3. One friend of mine adopted from birth and the baby was weaned of opioids at birth in NICU. The birth mum refused to visit the baby and my friends were not allowed in at the mothers insistence. So even right in those early days her first 2 weeks of life were in pain and alone and that breaks my heart.
4. Another friend adopted when her baby was 1yo and then about a month after that they got a call saying that the birth mum was about to give birth again and the baby would be removed and would they take him. Could I say no to my child's sibling? She was a mum of 2 under 1.5 with no warning. She's thrived but what do you do if they call again? I couldn't say no but I have 2 children already, could I actually give much more children (likely with significant needs) the time and love and energy they deserve?

I guess in the end adoption begins from a trauma and im not sure im equipt for the challenge. On the other side I've seen 3 families close to me absolutely thrive in it and I really hope that continues as they go through teenage struggles etc.

[quote adoptionthoughts]@beansprout55 thank you for sharing some positivity!

The barriers people have put on here to be honest don't seem that 'brutal' to me. Being asked how I'd feel if I saw DD masturbate or needing to own my own home and have a spare room non of this seems unreasonable to me at all.

I should be able to answer these types of questions if I'm adoption a child! I would expect scrutiny.
[/quote]
I have no experience but two years of scrutiny by the authorities sounds incredibly tough.

Probably a pointless reply from me as I'm very lucky to have two of my own children but I'd love to adopt. I'm not sure it would ever happen for me as two children have additional needs BUT I said to dp (father of my youngest) that if we ever couldn't have our own children we would adopt. My children may live with me forever but I would consider it when I'm older if I could.

My sons paternal grandmother was adopted and she had a wonderful bond with her adoptive mother - I think she always knew she was adopted from a young age. I know a few other adoptive families too. They are all wonderful 💕

@adoptionthoughts

I should also point out I would likely be considering overseas adoption - for a variety of reasons.

My impression is that overseas adoption is even more difficult. You still have to undergo exactly the same checks with UK social services, but on top of that you have to deal with whatever bureaucracy applies in your child's country of birth.