To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

Jesus Christ OP, please do an excessive amount of research before you adopt. You sound extremely naive.

This isn’t going to be you walk into a hospital, pick up a babe in arms and walk out and live happily ever after with your perfect little baby who will spend their life being indebted to your decision to take them in.

You will be very unlikely to get a little baby and if you do that baby will have had an extremely traumatic start in life, it is statistically very rare that children are willingly given for adoption at birth. If they are it will be due to a court order due to existing issues with the birth parents. This could be a history of neglect and abuse with previous children, substance/alcohol abuse, domestic abuse etc, mental health issues. That will all affect that child and it’s development. A great, great number of children also end up back in the foster care system as something like half of adoptions do not work out.

The reason more people don’t adopt is because it is a very complicated procedure and many do not have the emotional wherewithal to become parents to adoptive children.

An adoptive child is more likely to experience addiction and alcoholism, more likely to leave education before the age of 18, more likely to have a criminal record, mental health issues, developmental delays, attachment issues etc. This is not because of poor parenting from adoptive parents but due to the early childhood trauma they have experienced.

To say you would be prepared there might be trauma and you appreciate this may affect them says you really have very little insight into the care system/adoption process. Adoption is traumatic, removal from the birth family is traumatic, the care system and separation from siblings/grandparents/parents etc is traumatic, entering a stranger’s home and being expected to instantly love them/like them is traumatic. Everything surrounding adoption is interwoven with trauma and that is what puts many parents off adopting.

Consider fostering for a few years before beginning an adoption journey or at least speak with multiple adoptive parents of different ages because this will not be a simple pick a baby up and crack on.

Adoption is a wonderful process when it is successful and I have nothing but respect for people who make the decision to adopt a child it is a dedication that affects all aspects of life in more complicated ways than a biological child would and personally that is not something I could commit to already having children in the house.

Your approach to this hasn’t settled well with me, it’s coming across quite pious.

‘Why don’t more people adopt?’ Why don’t you want an eleven year old who experienced infant drug withdrawal, extreme developmental delays and is undergoing therapy and anger management whilst trying to maintain a relationship with four siblings from whom they have been separated? That is a more accurate depiction of children sitting in foster care needing to be adopted.

I have had friends -decent people who have gone down the adoption route -two couple both really wanted children and couldn't have their own found the endless interviews too gruelling. One -her husband his personal interview was on the anniversary of his dad's death -he asked for it to be moved -and it was declined. They then wanted to go over and over his dad's death in the interview and why it was still effecting him 10 years later -they advised multiple sessions of counselling -he did them and then they said he clearly wasn't able to move on completely from his dad's death -he told his wife he was out and she felt the same.

Another at couple at the time she said in interview that she had issues in her past with her weight and had done counselling, seen a nutritionist, been on a diet programme -now in a healthy range -and runs x5 times a week and maintains -they said they were concerned she was 'too interested in her weight' yet -they bought it up. Again she stopped.

Never mind being on anti depressants or being divorced or having issues in your family -etc

I did know one couple that adopted 3 -aged 7,9 and 11. The 11 year old went of the rails quickly, smoking, drinking etc as soon as the adoption went through -they was NO support, NO social help at all -it was 'they are your children you deal with it' eventually the 11 year old was having sex at school and accused them of abuse -she went back into care- they struggled to adapt to the two children with one in care -both the younger two children are doing well -but their lives are in tatters from the 5 years of hell the eldest put them through........

Many reasons why people don't adopt.

Some friends of mine -young grandparents themselves. Took custody of two boys that were his nieces -after she went to prison for drug offences. They said they will never adopt the boys -as they won't get support they get about £30,000 a year for the boys to look after them which pays for holidays and luxuries -but it's not means tested and they are reasonably well off. But they have funding for them. They are doing a good job -but they do have carers in place -the boys have high SEN needs etc

Echoing that very, very few tiny babies are available for adoption in the U.K. The emphasis is on keeping mother and baby together with support.

Babies removed from birth will have a very elevated risk of FAS and/ or other issues related to exposure to drugs in utero. They will be placed in foster care, probably for months, before any adoption process will be considered. You won’t get a tiny baby unless there are exceptional circumstances such as the baby being close family and even then there would be hoops and a lengthy process.

We have friends who were able to adopt two very young children; they were still under two by the time they moved in. They are lovely children but the girl does have some additional needs that were not discernible when younger. Of course our friends knew this could be the case. These additional needs are manageable and don’t negate the joy she brings to the family.

Another friend was adopted herself with her two siblings. She was the youngest at under two. All three have struggled although she has struggled least as the youngest and has achieved material success. Her elder siblings have struggled in a way that must have caused their (adopted) parents so much heartache. Their parents are by all accounts lovely but their two biological children have not had the problems their three adopted children have had. The children suffered extreme neglect before they were removed from their birth mum. We know neglect can cause permanent damage unfortunately. It’s tragic.

Until the mid 1970’s unmarried mothers were still often encouraged and even coerced into giving up their children for adoption, so you did get small healthy babies available. The process was also probably a lot less vigorous. In other countries poverty and lack of welfare support for single mothers means that more babies are available for adoption.

I used to think I might adopt a child with a disability after doing work experience at a residential facility attached to a special school, however my second child has profound disabilities so I had enough on my plate.

Adopting a child or baby is almost invariably a very different prospect to deciding to conceive one yourself. I wouldn’t put any one off, but I would urge them to do a lot of research and talk to a lot of people.

It does seem tough. For me it’s the fact there’s a lot out of your control. You go jump through all the hoops and then get a child assigned to you but there’s a period of time you have to spend with the child before it’s official and what if you have an attachment and then it’s decided the child isn’t to be with you anymore. Also I’ve read accounts on here about people failing to succeed with ivf and then going to adopt. They get turned down for adoption and it’s yet more failure and rejection but this time it’s not just biological luck but an official examining your life and saying you’re not fit to be a parent. Must hurt.

I did look into it a little and now lots of agencies mention sibling adoptions so it’s quite common to adopt more than one which is a challenge. Like others say healthy babies are rare. I knew someone at uni who found out they were pregnant a 5 months and planned to put their baby up for adoption but when they were born they decided against it. I imagine that’s often the case and most babies are from homes with issues.

Since you didn't intend to do it for a long time, you must know some reasons why people don't want to.

@adoptionthoughts

I didn't post on the adoption board because I'm looking for opinions for people generally on why they do/don't adopt

Because it's (rightfully) a long hard process Because you rarely end up with a cute baby Because the children who really need adopting have either had a really difficult start to life or they have some form of disability Because sometimes you get a child who's had lots of trauma and there's insufficient support

And people don't think they could cope

I would be up for adoption but had the biological urge to try pregnancy. It’s also much, much easier to do it through biological pregnancy. Now I’ve had a biological kid, I’m not sure I could adopt. Having kids is so, so hard. Like really hard. I’m not sure I would mentally cope with adoption.

I know some men have said they’re worried they won’t feel the same love for another person’s child, which is sad.

If I’d not had children biologically I would definitely have considered it but I’m not sure about for further children as am worried about the effect on my son.

Blimey the misconceptions about adoption and the adoption process on this thread 🤣🤣 why do people post about something as sensitive as this that they haven't personally been involved in... Anyway..

OP to adopt you need a spare room (each child in the house needs their own bedroom), you do not need to be well off but you do need to be financially a float and be able to provide financially for a child, you need to be relatively fit and healthy (having a disability is not a definite no depending on circumstances etc!!), you need to have an open mind and be willing to learn about the kids and their needs now and potential needs in the future, you need to be able to take time off post placement for adoption leave...in a nutshell those are the things you "need". There will be other things that come up as you're assessed and you would be grilled a lot about adoption as a first choice when you don't have any reason to believe you can't have bio kids.. That wouldn't be enough for you to not be approved but SWs would need to be sure of your motivation etc.

It sounds like you're already aware of trauma, attachment and therapeutic parenting which is a good starting point.

The process isn't that bad. It's intrusive yes but it has to be so these kids are getting the best for their circumstances. I don't think it is unreasonably intrusive.

The process involves a medical, work and personal references, finance checks, home safety checks, pet checks and weekly interviews with your SW where they will want to know about you and your lifestyle/home life etc.

You will have an approval panel to become an approved adopter and a matching panel where you are matched with your child. Your child will move in and after 10 weeks or so you can apply to the court to make the adoption official once you are ready. You do not go to panel being pitched against other adopters for a particular child, no sure where someone got that idea from.

There are babies available for adoption both in the traditional route of adoption and in the Foster to adopt scheme. It is not selfish to want to adopt a younger child and arguably better for the kids anyway.
In terms of contact with birth parents most APs have indirect letterbox once per year with BP. But unless there is a court order stating otherwise that is up to you as the parent to decide if its in your child's best interests to keep going or not. Most kids it would be in their best interests of course, it can be a very positive thing to do for you child.

Adoption UK and the adoption boards on here are great.

Adopting our DC (who are our own just as much as our bio DC!) is the best thing we've ever done (alongside our bio kids). It is not always easy but I would do it again and again if I had the space/money/patience.

@DrSbaitso no actually because everyone is different - and doesn't think the same as me.

It is a lovely thing to do to OP, so if you feel called to it, then don't let other people's feelings about it put you off.

I always thought growing up that I might consider it. But having worked in children’s services for years I wouldn’t now for various reasons:

With a neurotypical biological child you can just about make it with “good enough” parenting. An adopted child is likely to require ongoing therapeutic parenting, a whole level above what I know I am capable of.

Reading about too many adoption breakdowns especially once children hit their teens.

The intrusive assessment process. DH was a referee for a friend’s application. He had reservations about the friend’s wife, based on his experience of seeing her parent their birth child and things his friend had told him about her approach to the child and parenting in general. He was honest with the assessor but it was quite difficult just being a referee let alone being the ones assessed. I wouldn’t be comfortable opening myself or DH up to that level of scrutiny.

I’ve observed and sat on adoption panels in one of the most deprived places in the country. After a while I couldn’t shake the feeling in some cases we were taking children away from poor people and giving them to richer people, and if birth parents had had the same opportunities and financial means as the prospective adopters the children may never have needed to be removed. That is not to say every adopter who came to panel wasn’t committed, dedicated and likely went on to make excellent parents to those children.

Lots of countries do not allow adoption of children from state care, which I hadn’t realised. Once I did it made me wonder a bit more about the ethics of it. I’ve not worked out where I land on that yet.

You’ve started to consider it because you are having problems TTC. I think that’s your answer why more people don’t do it, they never get to that stage.
There are very few babies for adoption and those that are taken that early often have older siblings already adopted so will preferentially join them. Are you so keen to adopt an older child from a troubled background? I have a lot of respect for people who do this

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

😆😆😆😆😆

Because it is fucking hard, OP.

I adopted my son before his first birthday. Perfect happy healthy little baby, same FC since removed at birth, "low risk".

He is 5 and the issues we are facing, particularly the lack of access to proper post-adoption support, is horrific. And his entire childhood will likely be dominated by this.

Adoption isn't an easy choice.

I didn't adopt because I was too old to adopt a baby. I didn't want to adopt a child.

I think you are right about all the ethical reasons to adopt though. In the end I didn't even do IVF and the ethical perspective was a driver in that.

I also felt that I wouldn't love a non biological child as much if I adopted say a 6 year old. I might have been wrong of course. I didn't have a huge maternal instinct anyway and I just didn't feel I would bond with an older child.

Really I suppose the only urge I had was to have my own and as that couldn't happen then I wasn't the best person to adopt a child.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world

Whilst I absolutely agree with your other points on adoption, for it being a selfless and beautiful act to help deprived children who are in need, and people who adopt are amazing people, adopting will in no way ever replace the natural drive that some people have to have biological children of their own. So for that, you are being naive. I would never opt for adoption instead of having children of my own. Climate change or not. I salute the ones who can but I think for most people it just doesn't work like that.

Are you happy to have a disabled child? Most babies have come from addicts and it can take a few years before their disabilities because of that comes out.
As said, you've answered your own question by wanting a baby, otherwise you'd just want a child.

"I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing."
A nice environment doesn't remove attachment issues, or other MH/emotional issues. You are convincing yourself that overseas adoption doesn't have massive ethical issues just like the old adoption system in the UK did when we took babies from single mothers, the impoverished WC and gave them to parents who had more money.

"They could lead a normal life with therapy"

Unfortunately many don't which is why it takes a few generations until there isn't SS intervention. Money and therapy can't solve their issues. The fake a normal life.

Yes, you do seem to be quite naive. For a start, many people want a baby because they feel they're less likely to be 'damaged' than an older child. So not only will you likely wait years - if not forever - for a baby, just because it's young does not mean it has not been damaged. It may be going through drug or alcohol withdrawal; it may have significant disabilities etc. Also, children in the system for any length of time are going to come with issues - both from whatever has led them to be placed there, and from simply living in that environment. It is an extremely hard slog to raise a child with such issues. It is not impossible and obviously it's not all doom and gloom, but you have to be prepared for the reality of the situation, and your post appears to look at it through rose tinted glasses.

Ideally people should adopt to help the children. Because they believe they have the skills and hope life to give a child a great life - to work though the issues that child might have.

Unfortunately many view it as the next step of they can’t conceive themselves. They think of adoption as a way to fill three desire for a baby’s bit as a way to help that child.

I don’t think this will ever change.

I often hear people comment ‘why didn’t they just adopt’ and this makes me so cross. Adoption isn’t for everyone. It takes a special person to deal with the emotional and downtime physical issues that come with an adopted child. It’s not an easy option, and it should absolutely be centred around the needs of the child not the needs of the parent.

Whilst I think think adoption can be a wonderful thing and love my adopted nephew no less than my other nephews, I wouldn't blame anybody for not feeling able to take this on. I raised my stepson who had severe developmental trauma (disorganised attachment) from neglect he suffered as a tiny baby. I won't go into details but all my other children (and DH and me) now struggle with mental health as a result of the non-stop trauma and abuse he brought to the household for years. He really should have been an only child. 😥

I fostered hardest thing I ever did
One partner must be at home if primary age
Months of interviews, vetting, interviewed my family and line manager at work medical , you need a spare room before process starts
I would start by volunteering for etc
My friend who adopted had to do work experience in a nursery and become a brownie volunteer

Also children put up for adoption abroad are not unwanted but poor so you will have to live with that

Just to reply to the poster who asked whether the question should be why is it so difficult to adopt?

Because they are finding the right families for traumatised children, and the consequences of getting that wrong are more trauma for the adopted child (and of course for the other family members).

I would love to say it's also because they are putting the right support package in place for each child, but ...

I'm sure there will be people who waited longer, and people who waited less, but of a group of potential adopters I know (6 families) all had children placed with them within 12 months of beginning their approval assessment process (which locally is a series of interviews and meetings, and a programme of training). To me, that's not much longer than a pregnancy, and as you go through the process it becomes clear why the specific questions are asked.

I'm so sorry to read about the person who said they went to a panel competing with two other families to be matched to a child! That's appalling. It's not how it's done locally, thankfully.

I have an IQ lower than that of an Alsatian, & I look like The Grinch - & that’s on a good day. My sons however are veritable geniuses I tell you; with the promise of Adonis-like looks. They may well rule the world

We supported friends who adopted. Their child was removed at birth and had one foster family and came to them at 8 months which is fast for adoption it seems.
They do not regret their choice.
But their child has FASD and moderately severe LDs and he will probably never live independently. The extent of his birth mother's learning disability was not made apparent to them beforehand. They have found it hard to access the right level of support.
They are in several adoption groups and their story is one of the easier ones.
I wouldn't have adopted because I'm not a patient person. I'm a fixer and a doer and those would not be good traits. I'm also not naturally maternal.
I have absolute respect for those who do.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Wow. Work in mental health care, do you? Wow.