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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why more people don't adopt?

706 replies

adoptionthoughts · 09/01/2022 11:55

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 09/01/2022 11:57

I often think about it to op.

I've watched some documentaries and heard some stories and it can be a grueling process.

Time and money.

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2022 11:57

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You'd likely want a very small baby, would you?

How many very small babies do you think are up for adoption, compared to older children who's lives have been fucked up by trauma?

Original poster
adoptionthoughts · 09/01/2022 11:57

@Notimeforaname can you link the names of the documentaries please?

OP posts:
Cheesecakeandwine · 09/01/2022 11:57

I think if you post on the adoption board you will get lots of good and sensible replies

PurpleDaisies · 09/01/2022 11:57

You’re being naive about the very real challenges that adoptive parents face because of the awful start their children have often had in life.

Coldilox · 09/01/2022 11:57

Adopting a very small baby isn’t that easy. Most children available for adoption are older, and they are harder to place.

Adopting is a difficult process (I’ve not done it but several friends have).

Original poster
adoptionthoughts · 09/01/2022 11:59

I didn't post on the adoption board because I'm looking for opinions for people generally on why they do/don't adopt

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 09/01/2022 11:59

I haven't adopted but a few issues:

  • Loads of assessments to get approved. Lots don't 'pass'
  • You can't guarantee getting a young baby, as that's what most people want. More chance of adopting older children, siblings etc
  • Children can have quite high needs as a result of issues in the womb e.g. alcohol, drugs, as well as early experiences

I think people who adopt are doing something great, but to me it is definitely a more challenging option.

Ovenaffray · 09/01/2022 11:59

Because many adopted kids come with significant issues and I don’t have the mental capacity or personality to deal with that. One of my own has mild issues and one has a disability and that was hard enough.

I selfishly also wanted my own biological children.

CatherinedeBourgh · 09/01/2022 11:59

Because the hoops you have to go through make it incredibly hard to do.

I had always thought we would adopt, as we were told we would never conceive naturally, but when I looked into the reality of the process and the timelines involved, combined with the fact we moved countries several times,I have to admit I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.

In the end we conceived naturally, so the issue went away.

Akire · 09/01/2022 11:59

Think you have to be reasonable well off to adopt. Have to have spare room for start, so if you rent social housing say and are working they not give you extra room for a child who doesn’t exists. You can’t put the child in to share with another child. Plus you have to be able to afford take time of work what least a year? Plus prove you can afford support yourself and the child. So millions who need top up benefits on top wages to pay rent and bills are immediately disqualified. No matter how good parents they would make.

SilverHairedCat · 09/01/2022 12:00

It's fucking difficult, that's why. We were turned down because I have a disability despite them claiming it wouldn't be a problem.

Babies are rarely put up for adoption. Older children and siblings are now likely to be in need of loving homes.

SelkieQualia · 09/01/2022 12:01

Yes, you are being naive.

The screening process is brutal, invasive, and difficult to pass.

Everyone wants a newborn, so it's very difficult to be allocated one. A significant number will have been removed for serious drug and alcohol abuse during pregnancy, which puts kids at significant risk of complications.

Chely · 09/01/2022 12:01

Because it's not easy to adopt.

My eldest keeps telling me she will adopt rather than have biological children. She's only 16 though so may change her mind in the future.

Original poster
adoptionthoughts · 09/01/2022 12:02

@SelkieQualia what is so brutal about it?

OP posts:
itwasntaparty · 09/01/2022 12:02

I'm adopted, and old. There are very few babies that are adopted now, many children that are adopted have had traumatic starts to their lives, they have issues that need to be worked through and many adoptions break down. You are being very naive if you think you will bring home a baby and live an easy life.

Tinythumbelina · 09/01/2022 12:02

Very difficult to adopt small babies.

WomanStanleyWoman · 09/01/2022 12:03

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You’ve just answered your own question here. More people don’t adopt because they want ‘very small babies’ - not older children who have most likely been abandoned or removed from unstable or abusive environments. To put it bluntly, most people don’t want ‘damaged goods’.

ShirleyPhallus · 09/01/2022 12:03

From a completely base level, people procreate to continue their genetic line. So many people want their own biological babies and wouldn’t even think about adopting.

For me personally, I have two friends with siblings who were adopted and both have had real challenges from having a sibling in the family with (what turned out to be) sever behavioural and mental health problems. It’s created a real split in the family.

On the other hand, I know a wonderful woman who has adopted two babies from the same family about four years apart and they are thriving and wonderful.

For me, I would adopt if I couldn’t have my own children, but I’d be wary as these children could have some level of issues (nature vs nurture) and I think that’s a huge amount of work to take on. I really respect those who foster, especially older children with problems, and those who adopt.

Snoopsnoggysnog · 09/01/2022 12:03

Honestly i think you should just read some of the threads on the Adoption board.

Sparklesocks · 09/01/2022 12:03

I’m definitely interested but the criteria to be approved is intense and the process cab be gruelling. Someone I know was turned down because of her weight.

rrhuth · 09/01/2022 12:04

And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out. This is a very naive statement. It is not about how 'they will turn out' but the depth of trauma some children and young people have already suffered.

merrygoround23 · 09/01/2022 12:04

I've thought about it, the lengthy process has been something that has put me off. It's very invasive, for the right reasons obviously but it does put me off

GiveMeNovocain · 09/01/2022 12:05

If you go through the adoption process you get an intensive course about the specific challenges linked to adoption. They set out very clearly the increased and unpredictable risks even if you adopt a newborn. In fact the younger the child, the less they'll know about the impact of alcohol/drugs/abuse in pregnancy. If you're interested it's an intensive process but the training was amazing and eye opening

We decided to withdraw as I didn't think I could provide the level and type of parenting that would be required and I didn't want to let a child down. I also had a birth child to consider. I'd really recommend it, but it was hard to be brutally honest with myself about my shortcomings

Excited101 · 09/01/2022 12:05

I supported a friend and her DP through the process and it was fairly quick and while invasive it was quite simple. But the reality of it was an absolute mess, SS were clueless and unhelpful. I would never want to adopt personally.