To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

I always wanted to until I got to know families that had adopted. The hell that it's been for them through the years I just couldn't do it. Not properly informed about how neglected and abused the kids were pre adoption and just how much support they would need and the total lack of any actual support.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Yeah, no-one wants an ugly kid, do they? 🙄🙄

Perhaps you and your DH could do the world a favour and donate your wonderfully perfect sperm and eggs, to those less fortunate?

We looked into it. However we don't own our house and no spare bedroom. The estate agents won't let us use dining room as a bedroom either.

So, that's that for us.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

I'm shook! Definitely don't say this in public. I'm glad you wouldn't consider inflicting this type of thinking on a vulnerable kid 😬

@x2boys, I would've thought not inheriting the latter would be a blessing...

Hardly any very small babies come up, and those who do include some who have been exposed to drugs or alcohol in the womb. Even the smallest babies may spend a few months in foster placements pending adoption processes being completed.

Social services have a poor reputation for not being wholly honest about the extent of trauma some children have faced, and then there is often little support available when issues arise.

The threshold to be accepted as an adopter rules out many people, both in terms of family finances, work type and frequency. In reality they are looking for well off couples where one can drop or significantly reduce work.

@WorraLiberty

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk).

You'd likely want a very small baby, would you?

How many very small babies do you think are up for adoption, compared to older children who's lives have been fucked up by trauma?

What's the actual point in posting this? Surely adopting a baby is better than not adopting at all? Fuck me you sound awful.

@Chunkymonkey13 I loved the child placed with us from the first visit. And never really thought of him as 'some one elses child'.

I really wish I had never even considered it now though. If only I had never seen the Channel 4 documentary a few years ago which showed children (of about 5) meeting prospective adopters :(

I think one of the basic reasons for not adopting op is because as a society that's just not the first we do. You have sex and get pregnant
Planned or unplanned. It's just how you get kids. Survival or the species or mindless procreation but I think there's just a presumed action we take if we want children.

Some people will be more conscious of what options there are. They'll have come through the care system, be environmentally conscious, unable to have their own biological children, be morally conscious etc so will explore options like adoption. There will also be those who get into adoption or fostering after their own kids are older, so they're adding to the population any way.

Then there's the actual process. The process isn't easy, it's very selective and it's long. It isn't set up for "well we thought we'd adopt a child because it's a nice thing to do but we might have our own too"

It is something more people should consider, you're right. There's so many children who need help but theres many people simply not up to providing the right level of care.

Because the children are 99 percent of the time very damaged children. You need the patience of a saint and the ability to work through their problems one step at a time.
You're being extremely naive to think it's all flowers and roses.

The threshold for removing children from their birth parents is so high these days, so unfortunately by the time the child/ren is 'freed' for adoption they have, in most cases, been subjected to a lot of trauma. Likewise, there tends to not be many young babies due to the longer process.

Also, in the past closed adoptions were more common, whereas now it's encouraged to keep in contact with birth family as much as possible, even if just postal contact, which I think plays a big part in putting people off.

Spend 10 minutes researching realities of adoption.

There's no catalogue of undamaged little newborns to choose from. Look at the absolute failure of social care in this country. For most children, even once they've been made available for adoption they wait on average a year in care before finding a family.

I HATE how adoption is put as the second choice to people who can't have their own family. "You could always adopt." No. Adoption is a completely different decision and journey.

Adoption is tough and brutal. There are incredible stories and outcomes and there's no doubt that some families make it work, but the whole system is a mess.

I’m afraid you are being very naive.

But if you apply to adopt then you’ll say on find out why.

Didn’t want to go through another long brutal invasive screening process, very possibly ending in failure, as had already been through years of unsuccessful IVF.

Didn’t feel equal to dealing with the issues that children up for adoption inevitably have.

Adoptions break down. I know someone who adopted a sibling group of three. The oldest had to go back into care as the parents just could not cope with the child’s issues.

You need to be pretty well off to adopt from overseas. You have to be resident in the country you’re adopting from for a specified period, there are also legal costs you will have to pay and you will have to pay for the adoption screening process here, likely several thousand pounds.

@SilverHairedCat

It's brutal in many ways. It's a slow process. Very intrusive into you, your ways of thinking, your mind experiences, your experience with children etc.

If you've not had much exposure to children, you'll be required to spend lots of time doing something like working in a nursery, volunteering at Brownies etc.

You may be required to undergo counselling if they are worried you've not dealt with some thing in your history.

They want to see your medical records, any counselling notes, speak to friends, family and neighbours.

You'll need to demonstrate you have a decent support network of friends, family or whoever you have in life.

You'll then need to prepare a portfolio to how what you've read, studied, undertaken etc to support your application. I spent £100 on books to read.

Then they may still not approve you. I haven't recovered yet and it's been several years.

Im so sorry to hear about your experience.

I used to volunteer on weekends running a sports club for children with disabilities who need one on one support and we would regularly get couples coming to volunteer as a way of improving their chances on their adoption application. I remember being pretty heartbroken seeing how amazing they were and how they were having to "prove" themselves like this for a long time period just in order to have a child. (Just to note they were often very good volunteers and am not judging them for volunteering with a motive at all. Just sad when considering some.poeple can easily have a child and these people who would have made great parents were having to jump through so many hoops)

As someone who was adopted, I'd say most people wouldn't want to adopt as they view children in care as damaged goods.

I haven't adopted because I don't have the emotional capacity to meet a ( probably) traumatised child's needs 24/7.

I am in awe of people who manage to do it.

I always planned to adopt if I had any fertility problems, rather than go through treatment. I felt the need to go through pregnancy and have a biological child but would rather adopt than go through IVF. As it turned out I had 4 kids quite easily but I do still think about adoption. If we had more space I would think about it more seriously but its the thought of how invasive it will be and the fact that we're likely to be turned down due to the fact we already have kids and one has autism that puts me off.

@Thunderbolted I do get what you are saying, sort of. I think my family are generally very attractive (me a bit less so) and clever and high achieving.

But I didn't want my children because of those genes. More that I would understand her on a deeper level than I would understand a child from a completely different family. I don't think I would fail to bond with an adopted child or love them any less but I do think they might be more mysterious to me somehow.

An interesting example of this is Dawn French. She said that she thought if you were a fun loving mother who wanted to have adventures all would be well with her adopted daughter. But it didn't turn out that way at all.

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Actually I think that isn't unreasonable.

With a biological baby they look like you and are more likely to inherit aptitudes.

When you adopt you have to accept the child may look different, so you look less obviously a 'family' (eg blonde v brown haired, tall v short). Also if you come from an intelligent high achieving family you have to realise your adopted child is more likely to struggle at school than a biological one would. Your adopted child may have completely different talents too.

When you adopt you have to accept there will be more likely unknowns, and surprises. This can have its benefits though - our DC have shown talents in surprising areas which have opened up different things for myself and my DH.

Is this the same poster who posted about how wonderful adoption was last night? I assume the thread was removed because it was so insulting.

@titchy I'm not the same person! I've never posted anything adoption related previously

@BooksAndGin Sun 09-Jan-22 12:17:28
Because the children are 99 percent of the time very damaged children. You need the patience of a saint and the ability to work through their problems one step at a time.
You're being extremely naive to think it's all flowers and roses.

Attitudes like this for example. Do you actually know any people who were adopted?

I dont think I'd be a good enough parent for an adopted child

With adoption, you don’t know what you’re getting genetically or behaviourally. It must take special people to not regret adoption when it goes wrong. Whereas when it’s your biological child, regret (mostly) doesn’t come into it. It’s biology, how animals are wired.