To wonder why more people don't adopt?

[adoptionthoughts]

Recently I've started thinking maybe adoption is a route for me. I've always said I wouldn't do it but recently I'm having a change of heart as I think about it and logically it makes a lot of sense for a variety of reasons.

I'm struggling TTC, but this is something I'm thinking about irrespective of whether or not I eventually manage to have biological kids.

I also think giving a child a life they may not have otherwise had is a really nice thing. Also, why add to a climate change problem when there are so so many children I wanted across the world - the more I think about it the more logically adoption makes lots of sense. It means you don't get the physical problems from childbirth, it means you are providing a life for a child that may have been in foster care and many other positives.

Am I being naive? Why does hardly anyone do it? Why are we only happy with children if it's related to us by blood? I'm not trying to be funny here I'm genuinely asking to see why to see if I'm crazy to consider it.

I appreciate the children up for adoption often come from trauma often, which is concerning in terms of how that trauma may play out in later life but I'd likely want a very small baby (not saying this eradicates this but I think is reducing the risk). And also, the same can happen with biological kids you never know how they will turn out.

I'd like to hear from not just those that have adopted but also those that haven't and wouldn't as to why?

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

We adopted as we wanted to become parents and IVF failed.
We adopted siblings from LA care
It has been good and I am glad we adopted but both DC hit major issues when they turned 16 related to their adoption and we have had 6 very very very tough years which have almost broken me.

There are very few babies relinquished these days. If a young baby is removed from birth parents it will be for serious reasons either relating to care of previous children, or due to e.g. drugs / alcohol abuse or other very serious issues.

Do not be naiive thinking that young baby = no problems.

Just to also say:

The case of Arthur Labinjo-Hughes is an interesting one from this perspective. What happened to him was absolutely awful and I saw many comments on MN to say “it only id known the family I’d have happily taken him in”. I don’t believe that to be the case, Arthur’s neglect was so horrific that I’m sure there would be behavioural issues and he would have needed a lot of counselling to help him through, which I am not sure the average person is set up to be able to support.

It’s easy to comment from behind your screen but very different in real life.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Yes I think that is one of the most things I have ever read!

Definitely do not say it publicly and if possible try not to even say it again anonymously!

@adoptionthoughts

I didn't post on the adoption board because I'm looking for opinions for people generally on why they do/don't adopt

Because the 'general' impression I get is that adoption is a long and difficult process. It may not be true but that's the first thought that comes to me when I think about adopting I the UK.

Maybe the question should be why so it so difficult to adopt?

It's brutal in many ways. It's a slow process. Very intrusive into you, your ways of thinking, your mind experiences, your experience with children etc.

If you've not had much exposure to children, you'll be required to spend lots of time doing something like working in a nursery, volunteering at Brownies etc.

You may be required to undergo counselling if they are worried you've not dealt with some thing in your history.

They want to see your medical records, any counselling notes, speak to friends, family and neighbours.

You'll need to demonstrate you have a decent support network of friends, family or whoever you have in life.

You'll then need to prepare a portfolio to how what you've read, studied, undertaken etc to support your application. I spent £100 on books to read.

Then they may still not approve you. I haven't recovered yet and it's been several years.

I have cousins who are adopted, but they were adopted as babies a long time ago. I have friends whose adoption of an older child didn't work out. They went through a lot to be accepted as adopters then ultimately the adoption broke down. Very, very tough for them and the poor child. Their experience put me off.

There are very few small babies up for adoption in the UK. I’m a good parent but I don’t know if I would have the skills and the resolve to parent a child with disordered attachment.

The process looks at everything in your life, how you spend money, if you drink or make, they ask you questions like ‘if you found your DD masturbating how would you react?’

Whole process takes 2 years and then they match you with a child, along with three other couples and attend a panel meeting to see who ‘wins’

It’s not for the faint hearted

I'm not selfless enough. I don't have the capacity to raise a traumatised child. For me, I'd be giving up my own life to do that. I have endless respect for people who can.

I knew a lot of social workers through my job where I would come into contact with vulnerable young people / children.

Based on what I saw / heard, many children are born addicted to drugs / alcohol. They may have seen violence, sexual abuse etc and that affects their own behaviours and ability to bond with other adults. They may have been placed in foster care / up for adoption due to behavioural problems or disability. Also social workers told me that social work sometimes do not know or cannot share everything.

So I wouldn't adopt for those reasons.

YANBU to wonder but I wouldn’t do it.

Constant interference from social services
Potential for contact with birth parents in some cases
The trauma and upheaval when they decide at 18 you’re not good enough for them and they go off to trace their birth family
The effects of the trauma, abuse, problematic pregnancy that have led to them being up for adoption (my cousin has two adopted children and I’ve seen this quite dramatically in our family)

My husband and I decided before even trying for a baby that if we ran into fertility issues we would accept that was our lot and remain childless. Neither of us were prepared to go through the trauma of IVF or adoption.

Maybe the question should be why so it so difficult to adopt?

Because it’s about finding the right parents for vulnerable children, not children for would be parents.

I agree that you sound naive about the challenges. (You might not be - hard to tell from one post).

I have a few friends who have adopted and went in very prepared for the challenges and they have struggled.

Removing a baby from its mother causes attachment trauma and issues regardless of how quickly it is done.

Being a parent whose child is removed very likely indicates a range of issues with the parent - substance abuse, mental health problems, learning difficulties etc.

I have found parenting my one neurotypical child with no trauma or abandonment issues quite tough at times. If she had had other issues I don't know whether I would've been able to keep my career and marriage intact.

Of course you don't know what issues your birth child will have but at least they will have a secure attachment with their birth parents (hopefully).

So, I think if you are prepared to do full time therapeutic parenting and have boundless patience, emotional resources then it might be the right path for you. I'm not and don't.

But of course I had no idea of how challenging parenting is before I did it so it's only now I have a birth child that I realise how ill suited I would be to adopt one.

I think it’s a wonderful thing. A colleague of mine adopted a 3 year old and it went very well for her. She was able to take adoption leave from work.

However it was a long and gruelling process to get there, her DD had many attachment issues, and she also has to facilitate contact with her DD’s birth family, which I gather is quite usual these days. So not as easy and cut and dry as you might think.

I think I could adopt I’m very maternal but my husband is not. He doesn’t really like other peoples children in the same way I do. He’s always said he couldn’t adopt as he couldn’t give that child what they deserve.

I think most people don’t adopt because of what @Thunderbolted said, and she was clear she only said it because she was asked on a forum which is different from real life.

I didn’t want to adopt. I wanted to be pregnant, breastfeed, give birth. I wanted choosing our child’s name to be something I did with DH and for it to be meaningful and special. I wanted a biological child and my parents’ biological grandchild.

There must be more to it than that as I would have had donor eggs or sperm or even both if it came to it but I’m not sure exactly what. I wouldn’t have wanted to adopt though.

You’re being naive about the very real challenges that adoptive parents face because of the awful start their children have often had in life.

This, plus the process is absolutely brutal and the support systems that should be in place are not fit for purpose.

Because even if you adopt a tiny baby, there can still be problems.
There is a phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
A friend is now on antidepressants. She adopted a small baby. The baby is now at secondary school and it is obvious why the baby was removed from its mother by social services at birth. The child has inherited some mental health problems.

The screening process is horrendous: very intrusive: and no guarantee of passing. Could wreck a marriage.

These days it’s very rare a baby you for adoption: it’s usually a child with multiple complex issues.

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

I can't believe you said that out loud.

Also, Brangelina's bio kids aren't exactly replicas of their parents, they all look like John Voight

I’ve seen friends go through the adoption process. It was brutal on so many levels and not straightforward.

It really does take a very strong, special type of person to be be able to handle the adoption process and to be willing & able to cebtre their lives completely around a child that isn’t biologically related to them abd may have significant needs, and at the very least, attachment issues.

It’s a huge, life changing undertaking and not for everyone.

I recommend looking at the adoption board.
We went through this, and (sadly) had an amazing young lad placed with us, but sadly the placement broke down after a few months.

I was devastated, and still think about him daily 2 years on..

I admire you for thinking this - but it is not a fairy tale.
I wish you all the luck..

Because adoption has changed so much. I know a good few people my generation who were adopted as very young babies. Born late 60s, early 70s, usually to young, single mothers. Early adoption, no medical needs, no abuse, no trauma. Mostly very successful adoptions.

I also know a few families who have adopted children in the past 18 years. The youngest was 3. Almost all the children in these families have significant needs which can be traced back to their earliest days with their birth parents. Very few children are placed for adoption; they are removed due to abuse. All the families I know who have adopted did it for the very best of reasons and I greatly admire them. But it has been a very difficult road for them and support from the relevant agencies has not what it should have been.

So to answer your question, I wouldn't go down the road of adoption because I don't think I have the emotional resources to support a child who has experienced early trauma. I would not be the right person. But I strongly believe that as a society, we should be doing much, much more for those families who do adopt. And that support should be long term.

@Thunderbolted

This sounds awful, and I wouldn't say it publically, but DH and I are better looking and more intelligent than average. A biological baby is more likely to inherit those traits.

Also, I work with mental health services and know first hand how important the very early years are to good mental health. We're not in the 1950s where unmarried mothers were forced to give up babies because of the stigma. Most children up for adoption are not babies and have serious attachment issues and worse which makes parenting much much harder.

Do you have children? If not how will you feel if your biological children don't inherit either your looks or intelligence 🤔