To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

Of course she doesn't have to.

I just don't get the outrage at the idea of the OP being worried that her daughter is caught up in something dodgy. There are more and more stories coming out about young women who have posted pictures in the past and are now realising that those pictures are online forever, and can fall into the hands of anyone who can pass them on to anyone.

Are you really going to give the OP shit for worrying about that situation happening to her own daughter?

Yes, of course it might be something totally legitimate in which case great. But with the current climate of 'sex work' being apparently so 'empowering and progressive' being fed to young women, and the initial ease of things like Only Fans, I don't think it's all that outrageous for the OP to be worried for her daughter?

Yes, but she knows her Mum knows she has shitloads of money and is therefore working in some capacity, so why not just say what it is?

Because she doesn't bloody well want to! She's an adult for Christ sake, not a child!

My mum knew I had more money than I 'should' have had, She knew I did some proofing for other student's assignments and assumed it was from that. If I'd told her I was working til 5am in a nightclub when I was supposed to be studying she'd have gone through the roof! So I didn't!

And the first rule of safeguarding is 'assume the worst'. Yes, the OPs daughter is an adult living her own life, but she is still her daughter and she will still be worried about her and want to protect her. What's so awful about that?

@Omicrone

And the first rule of safeguarding is 'assume the worst'. Yes, the OPs daughter is an adult living her own life, but she is still her daughter and she will still be worried about her and want to protect her. What's so awful about that?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being worried about her, there's everything wrong with making huge assumptions, emotional manipulation to get her to tell her what the income is from, and threatening to confiscate her DSs gifts!

There's absolutely nothing wrong with being worried about her, there's everything wrong with making huge assumptions, emotional manipulation to get her to tell her what the income is from, and threatening to confiscate her DSs gifts!

Oh I agree that threatening to confiscate the gifts probably isn't the way to go.

It was more the 'how dare you assume its sex work, its 2022!' posts that I was disagreeing with.

Yes, indeed it is 2022. And it is known that an increasing number of female students are doing stuff like OF to make money. And that a few years later, when they are in totally different career's, these pictures are coming back to haunt them big time.

So I spoke to her this afternoon. I was told her that I was very worried that she had become caught up in something and that I am her mum so will always love and support her.

She wasn’t very forthcoming at first other than to say it wasn’t illegal. After a bit of a heart to heart she opened up and told me that she is using various websites to get people to send her money as part of some fantasy they have. She says it’s all online and was adamant that she has never done anything that will come to light in the future when I asked her.

I am struggling to process it in truth. I am not happy about it really other than the fact she says it’s safe and doesn’t think it will have any future implications. I just don’t like the thought of her doing anything to indulge random mens fantasies for money.

She needs to check if these websites store her pictures and videos?

@Curato I'm glad you managed to have a chat with her. Hopefully now you've opened a dialogue and shown her you're there in a concerned, caring capacity rather than an overbearing one, she might feel able to discuss it further and allay some of your fears.

Sounds like she's scamming people
Romance scams

Is she a financial dominatrix? A friend of a friend did this for a while with literally zero sexual element

Financial dominatrix are unicorns. Everyone talks about them, lots claim to know one, few actually meet this elusive creature.

Great that you were able to clarify this and start a dialogue about it. Really feel for you OP, I had not realised what a pressure there was on girls to do this til I read this thread, so hope she can find a way out of it soon.

Sorry, OP Her ckoice, etc , but how grown up is she ? Able to take decisions affecting her long-term future? To some of us, what she's saying sounds pretty grim. I'm sure that you will, but please do all you can to get rid of images/protect her future.

@AllThePogs

Financial dominatrix are unicorns. Everyone talks about them, lots claim to know one, few actually meet this elusive creature.

I've known a few. This is possibly the safest form of borderline sex work in existence (as long as you are reasonably internet-savvy WRT protecting your account privacy). One way to look at it is that one is selling custom pieces of erotic fiction. You have to have a good imagination and a knack for it to make much money, but it sounds like this girl has both those things. 'Waa, but it's unethical' - really? Lots of people make good livings out of other people's dreams, obsessions and anxieties - findomming is the equivalent of an unregistered/unqualified counsellor or woo peddler in many ways. If the stories she tells her clients are sufficiently pleasing to them, they will pay her what she asks. That's all it is.

Nuance is seriously lacking in this thread! (As it always is on mn!) A person can be worried about their own child’s safety without being insulting and judgemental and I fully understand and support OPs concerns. I’m glad your daughter felt able to speak to you. That’s a testament to your parenting!

@Omicrone…I have a lot of anecdotal evidence to back up this correlation through working within adolescent mental health for 20 odd years and specialising in sexual and criminal exploitation for 15 years. There is also a multitude of research backed evidence that safe, open and trusting relationships with a non-judgemental parent figure is a protective factor against all kinds of exploitation. (And the opposite, the absence of that is a risk factor) Part of my job is keeping up to date on all things sex work. So I do have enough evidence to back up what I’m saying.

I have worked directly with parents who are involved in very dangerous street sex work due to addiction and as a student did agency care work in a variety of settings. Several full time care workers I knew supplemented their incomes with online cam work and off line escort work earning more for a 1 hr ‘date’ than they did for a full 12 hr shift cleaning up sick, urine and faeces as well as being at risk of abuse and assault from patients. I’m still in touch with some via social media and they are all married with kids. No idea if any are still doing sex work.

Your assertion further down the thread that the rule of safeguarding is to suspect the worst is objectively incorrect. I advise safeguarding boards, deliver specialist training and chair safeguarding panels and this is most definitely not the case.

The sex industry is no different to any other industry…say for example the building industry. A structural engineer is very different to someone who’s been trafficked and working in forced or bonded labour working illegally on a building site.

OP I’m sure your conversation with your daughter must have come as quite a shock and I hope it’s brought you some comfort to know that you’ve opened up the dialogue. Well done for having your eye on the ball early on! I’ve seen many parents who’ve missed lots of subtle red flags early on.

I reckon she is selling feet pictures and videos! Big market for that

Don't be naive. There is one woman selling feet videos making money out of it. Everyone else making money having sex on camera and more claims to be posting only their feet.

You can make a killing selling manky old shoes and tights on eBay too

@Omicrone…I have a lot of anecdotal evidence to back up this correlation through working within adolescent mental health for 20 odd years and specialising in sexual and criminal exploitation for 15 years. There is also a multitude of research backed evidence that safe, open and trusting relationships with a non-judgemental parent figure is a protective factor against all kinds of exploitation. (And the opposite, the absence of that is a risk factor) Part of my job is keeping up to date on all things sex work. So I do have enough evidence to back up what I’m saying.

'safe, open and trusting relationships with a non-judgemental parent figure is a protective factor against all kinds of exploitation.' is not 'if you find out your daughter is involved in sex work then you should be cool about it, but just make sure she knows how to be safe'.

And yes, of course safeguarding is essentially based on 'assume the worst'. That's what risk assessing is, you set everything up for a worst case scenario in the hope that it doesn't happen, but that if it does, everything is in place to protect the vulnerable. Why do you think anyone working with vulnerable people, no matter who they are, what their back ground is, how long their career has already been, is subject to DBS checks? Despite the fact that the vast vast majority of people have a totally clear DBS? Why, in schools, are there strict rules about the nature of contact with children, despite the fact that the vast majority of people working in schools are lovely people who would never harm a child? Surely as someone who has advised safeguarding boards, you would have thought about that?

The sex industry is no different to any other industry…say for example the building industry.

No different to the building industry? In building industry there is a multitude of health and safety protocols, eg. Protective gear, hard hat, boots etc. Surely the equivalent in the sex industry, given that those workers are having close contact with strangers and also working constantly with bodily fluids, would be at the very least gloves, apron, possibly face mask, to protect the worker. So why isn't that the case.....if its just like the building industry?

Onlyfans

@Curato

So I spoke to her this afternoon. I was told her that I was very worried that she had become caught up in something and that I am her mum so will always love and support her.

She wasn’t very forthcoming at first other than to say it wasn’t illegal. After a bit of a heart to heart she opened up and told me that she is using various websites to get people to send her money as part of some fantasy they have. She says it’s all online and was adamant that she has never done anything that will come to light in the future when I asked her.

I am struggling to process it in truth. I am not happy about it really other than the fact she says it’s safe and doesn’t think it will have any future implications. I just don’t like the thought of her doing anything to indulge random mens fantasies for money.

It sounds like at a guess, chaturbate, or a similar style webcam website.

Hasn’t anyone mentioned matched betting yet? I didn’t tell anyone until I made a few grand because I was worried they would think it’s gambling

Scrub that I’ve just seen the update

Does she think that her brother wants her prostituting herself for him??? She sounds very naive to me.

Sorry that’s probably badly worded, but I what I mean is, I’m sure he doesn’t want to profit from her naked body being w@nked over. The fact this hasn’t occurred to her as well as how indiscreet she has been with the rest of you implies that she’s maybe a bit naive.