To want dd to tell me where she is getting this money from

[Curato]

Dd is in her second year at university and for Christmas she bought ds a laptop. I thought this was a lot to have spent so I looked it up and it must’ve cost her around £600. I asked her about it and she said she could afford it and loves her brother etc so I accepted it.

It was ds 16th birthday on Friday and for that she bought him a new IPhone and Apple Watch.

I spoke to her and said I noticed she had spent a lot of money on ds for Christmas and his birthday as she is a student with a part time job in retail.

She then said she has a little extra thing on the side which is going really well. When I asked what this was she refused to tell me.

I spoke to DH who said she is an adult and doesn’t have to justify herself to me anymore and I should respect her decision. I am really worried though that she has become embroiled in something though.

AIBU to speak to her again and insist she tells me what she is doing to generate this money or do I need to cut the apron strings.

I think you’ve missed my point…disgusting is subjective. Some people get a lot of pleasure putting multiple things in whichever hole they like. (Look up sounding…you’ll love it!) Some make a lot of money from it too. People use their bodies in many different ways to earn a living. What I’m saying is that attaching a value judgement to sex acts based on your own personal threshold is what perpetuates the shame linked to sex work.

Lots of people do back breaking manual labour that impacts on their bodies but isn’t considered disgusting.

I think every mother would be worried to think her daughter was humiliating herself for money, in any sphere. It's true you may have to for your economic survival in many kinds of job including the start of every job where the newbies are at the bottom of the pecking order, but OP is topping up her loan partly so she does not have to even contemplate it.
Worrying about my daughters being engaged in porn or other sex trade would not be for me about shame. Only the punters should be ashamed of their pathetic problems. It's about making sure girls keep their self esteem and stay out of danger.

Some of the comments on this thread make me sad. So much judgement. I would be absolutely devastated if my own parents displayed some of the outdated and misogynistic attitudes that are unfortunately an ongoing theme in this thread. It's OK if sex work isn't for you; what is empowering for one woman isn't necessarily empowering for another and that is OK. What's not OK is shaming and passing judgement on another woman's choices just because they differ from your own, whether that woman is your child or not.

OP, I echo some of the more understanding comments when they say to approach this from a gentler position. In my opinion, if it transpires that your daughter is a sex worker, then the main focus should be on your daughters safety (sex work is a very broad umbrella term that covers everything from selling feet pics to escorting) and maybe some education around tax.

Try and look past the stereotypes. My personal experience with sex work has been nothing but positive. I am happier than I have ever been and I have more respect for myself and my time than ever before. I am strong and capable and I am providing for my family in a way I never thought possible. I appreciate that it's not the same for everyone but as long as your daughter is happy, healthy and safe then just love her and be there for her.

@Justanormalgirlxo

Some of the comments on this thread make me sad. So much judgement. I would be absolutely devastated if my own parents displayed some of the outdated and misogynistic attitudes that are unfortunately an ongoing theme in this thread. It's OK if sex work isn't for you; what is empowering for one woman isn't necessarily empowering for another and that is OK. What's not OK is shaming and passing judgement on another woman's choices just because they differ from your own, whether that woman is your child or not.

OP, I echo some of the more understanding comments when they say to approach this from a gentler position. In my opinion, if it transpires that your daughter is a sex worker, then the main focus should be on your daughters safety (sex work is a very broad umbrella term that covers everything from selling feet pics to escorting) and maybe some education around tax.

Try and look past the stereotypes. My personal experience with sex work has been nothing but positive. I am happier than I have ever been and I have more respect for myself and my time than ever before. I am strong and capable and I am providing for my family in a way I never thought possible. I appreciate that it's not the same for everyone but as long as your daughter is happy, healthy and safe then just love her and be there for her.

I'd be ashamed if my daughter got into sex work, most people would I expect.

Arguably it’s far more misogynistic to endorse sex work and financially transactional coercion…

There is also such a thing as internalised misogyny, which sadly sex work promotes. Never mind the damage to concepts of intimacy, reciprocity, respect and self-esteem. Career advancement is also a problem, unless of course you can start procuring others. It might work for a while to tide one over but what then? Retire on a footballer's pension? If girls want money to enjoy as opposed to for sheer survival they should think ambitiously and see how they can get to the top, not stay at the bottom. They need support to think big, not think how they can rip off men.

Some of the comments on this thread make me sad. So much judgement. I would be absolutely devastated if my own parents displayed some of the outdated and misogynistic attitudes that are unfortunately an ongoing theme in this thread.

IKR?! Wanting your daughter to be more than an object that men will wank over or stick their penis into is just so outdated.....

In my opinion, if it transpires that your daughter is a sex worker, then the main focus should be on your daughters safety (sex work is a very broad umbrella term that covers everything from selling feet pics to escorting) and maybe some education around tax.

And why is safety such a concern for sex workers? Is it because the men involved love and respect sex workers so much? How come these safety concerns are not such a concern in other careers?

I would hate for my daughter to be a sex worker because the thought of her being so despised and degraded by men would break my heart.

Plus, its shit for women generally.

And if OP's daughter really is doing stuff like this, what if her brother, who is the age to browse porn for hours, comes upon her? Nice.

@Justanormalgirlxo totally agree with you!

Lot of SWERFs on this thread. Not sure if anyone’s noticed it’s called the ‘oldest profession’ for a reason and it ain’t going anywhere soon. It’s not a binary issue. There’s a difference between a street sex worker coerced or forced into dangerous situations due to poverty or addiction vs someone making an informed choice to set up an OF account and working their socks (knickers?) off to earn an honest living. The people saying how ashamed they would be are going to be the ones who’s children would be more likely to get into unsafe situations because sex is considered taboo and not discussed openly. If their are given this message from a young age then they would be less likely to be open and honest with their trusted people.

I'm late to this but it's a bit depressing that for a young woman with extra money the assumption is that it's sex or drugs. At university I worked cash in hand for a pretty well known club booking DJs, being the your names not down person. I earned £200 a week - 20+ years ago. Took me years to earn that (net of tax) in a "real" job.

Not sure I'd have told my parents as it was none of their business. Because I was an adult.

Her generation are absolute demons at online side hustles - resellers/online PA/translation/TikTok.

Maybe she's a TikTok star? And influencer. Other revenue streams are available that are not illegal or "immoral".

She's an adult! Making money. More than just the acceptable part time retail job. Good for her.

Wow. What a world we live in when people think comments like this are OK. Appalling.

Actually, it's not just a bit depressing it's fucking outrageous.

Young woman with money - assumption is sex work. In 2022. Slow hand clap over here.

Thank god her generation will be running things in the future and not us.

[quote Thisgroupneverceasestoamazeme]@Justanormalgirlxo totally agree with you!

Lot of SWERFs on this thread. Not sure if anyone’s noticed it’s called the ‘oldest profession’ for a reason and it ain’t going anywhere soon. It’s not a binary issue. There’s a difference between a street sex worker coerced or forced into dangerous situations due to poverty or addiction vs someone making an informed choice to set up an OF account and working their socks (knickers?) off to earn an honest living. The people saying how ashamed they would be are going to be the ones who’s children would be more likely to get into unsafe situations because sex is considered taboo and not discussed openly. If their are given this message from a young age then they would be less likely to be open and honest with their trusted people.[/quote]
Unsafe situations aren't caused by taboos -- they are caused by unsafe people. Part of adulting involves learning what environments contain unsafe people. And how to present oneself as vulnerable or invulnerable so as to protect oneself as far as possible from the various weirdos and perverts out there. One way to make yourself look very vulnerable is to provide sex or sexual images for money. No two ways about it, it sends out a message which gets onto dangerous men's radar.
Oh and by the way the oldest profession is pimping. Men control the money in this game. You are just picking up their little crumbs and they have decided the rate they pay you.

@Pugroll - it's very much a MN cool girl thing here to be down with sex workers - but naturally most sane parents won't want their kids selling sex.

I recall a few years back when an adult best friend of mine worked in the sex industry (but not having sex) and I asked her if she would be happy if her then 8 year old DD ultimately went into the sex industry. She of course replied, 'it's her body, her choice' but now a few years later when her DD has gone off the rails and only just got back on track to a proper working life did she confide in me that she would never have wanted her to do sex work even lap dancing, she was just proving a point that she could do what she wanted.

@Shannith

Actually, it's not just a bit depressing it's fucking outrageous.

Young woman with money - assumption is sex work. In 2022. Slow hand clap over here.

Thank god her generation will be running things in the future and not us.

It's because she is being so secretive about it that the OP isn't suspicious.

If it were something legit then surely she would just say?

Lot of SWERFs on this thread. Not sure if anyone’s noticed it’s called the ‘oldest profession’ for a reason and it ain’t going anywhere soon.

Is 'you're all a load of SWERFs and anyway it's the world's oldest profession yanno' really the best you have to add to this discussion?

There’s a difference between a street sex worker coerced or forced into dangerous situations due to poverty or addiction vs someone making an informed choice to set up an OF account and working their socks (knickers?) off to earn an honest living.

And what happens down the line when all those photos from OF, which the content creator has zero control of once they are uploaded, end up all over the Internet and people she really doesn't to see them see them? It's not so much 'yeah you go sista, look at you all empowered' then is it?

As a PP said, the best way to send out 'I'm a vulnerable female' vibes is to take part in sex work, whether that be in real life or images.

The people saying how ashamed they would be are going to be the ones who’s children would be more likely to get into unsafe situations because sex is considered taboo and not discussed openly. If their are given this message from a young age then they would be less likely to be open and honest with their trusted people.

Is there an actual proven correlation here, or did you just make that up?

It's because she is being so secretive about it that the OP isn't suspicious.

If it were something legit then surely she would just say?

As many MANY of us have said on this thread, we worked whilst doing our degree and didn't tell our parents because we knew they'd be judgemental about working when we were supposed to be studying! All completely above board, but as a young adult you can do without a parent being 'disappointed' in you like you're still a child.

@Shannith

Actually, it's not just a bit depressing it's fucking outrageous.

Young woman with money - assumption is sex work. In 2022. Slow hand clap over here.

Thank god her generation will be running things in the future and not us.

Very well said. Some absolutely shit assumptions on this thread about a young woman having money, and just because she doesn't feel the need to divulge where she gets her income to her parents then it MUST be something shameful.

What's shameful is some of these bloody responses.

@KurtWilde

It's because she is being so secretive about it that the OP isn't suspicious.

If it were something legit then surely she would just say?

As many MANY of us have said on this thread, we worked whilst doing our degree and didn't tell our parents because we knew they'd be judgemental about working when we were supposed to be studying! All completely above board, but as a young adult you can do without a parent being 'disappointed' in you like you're still a child.

Yes, but she knows her Mum knows she has shitloads of money and is therefore working in some capacity, so why not just say what it is? It's not like she is being discreet with her money either, buying her younger brother very expensive gifts.

If she was in the position you just described she wouldn't be doing that would she?

@Omicrone but why should she have to? Given her mums first reaction was to confiscate the gifts unless she told her I'd say they don't have the best dynamic.

She is an adult. Not a teen living at home. A fully fledged adult woman. If the OP wants, stop giving her the £100 per month as she clearly doesn't need it.

Maybe that will cut the apron string ( for OP).

Money mule?
Think I watched a BBC documentary on this as well.
Money launderers 'prey on generation Covid' www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-56334862

The people saying how ashamed they would be are going to be the ones who’s children would be more likely to get into unsafe situations because sex is considered taboo and not discussed openly. If their are given this message from a young age then they would be less likely to be open and honest with their trusted people.

I don't consider sex taboo, I think it's bloody marvellous. I would still be ashamed if my child made money from selling her body for men to wank over. I understand its more complex and many women don't have the luxury of choice, but for some extra money then yep, grim.

This happened to friend and she found out her daughters where on SA and SB and had sugar daddies

@Pugroll

The people saying how ashamed they would be are going to be the ones who’s children would be more likely to get into unsafe situations because sex is considered taboo and not discussed openly. If their are given this message from a young age then they would be less likely to be open and honest with their trusted people.

I don't consider sex taboo, I think it's bloody marvellous. I would still be ashamed if my child made money from selling her body for men to wank over. I understand its more complex and many women don't have the luxury of choice, but for some extra money then yep, grim.

I totally agree. I have failed my DD if she is forced to do this or even worse sees it as a valid choice.