Divorced parent drama.

[bubbles123456789]

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

@home2012

Honestly I had similar with My mother over my wedding, over guests she wanted/ didn't want there. She really thought it was up to her who was invited.

I snapped in the end. I told her it simply wasn't her choice and she came with a smile on her face or she didn't come, Completely her decision

It really worked. She came and behaved

She behaved ? Here lies the problem with the wedding you need a lot more than the guest to just not punch each other you’re going to require the guest to chat nicely and not create a frosty atmosphere by what they don’t do as much as what they do do and that’s completely out of your control as the host of any event so what you do as a good event organiser hostess whatever you want to call it or bride is it you do only invite people to events that you know are going to enjoy each other’s company

Surely your dad will be sat with someone else, he is old enough to make conversation. If I was your mum and you did this to me I would accept it but I would pull back on the baby sitting. I would be telling you to ask your father to share the burden.

Well after having a lengthy discussion with my mother this morning, I've now got the difficult task of telling my fathers partner she is now no longer invited. For those saying I'm clearly on my fathers side that wasn't the case at all it was about trying to make sure both my parents and myself can enjoy my wedding day. I had hoped that for one day my mother could put her feelings aside and just enjoy the day with the support of her family, friends and of course her husband. Thanks for all the responses and the help.

@bubbles123456789

Well after having a lengthy discussion with my mother this morning, I've now got the difficult task of telling my fathers partner she is now no longer invited. For those saying I'm clearly on my fathers side that wasn't the case at all it was about trying to make sure both my parents and myself can enjoy my wedding day. I had hoped that for one day my mother could put her feelings aside and just enjoy the day with the support of her family, friends and of course her husband. Thanks for all the responses and the help.

You still don’t get it do you she can put her feelings aside for one-day, it’s not about one day it’s about her daughter‘s wedding

Also I'm seeing a lot of comments saying my mum was the one who raised me, my father was never around that's not fair and the simple case is I pushed my father away for a long time but he still constantly tried to make an effort, he never once gave up on me and it was ultimately my decision to choose to ignore his attempts until I was ready. My dad did my mum dirty not me and yes I feel sympathy for my mother but surely not all children whose parents have an affair only see or side with one parent? What was my mother supposed to do? Choose to not raise me because I'm half my dads? Of course she raised me as any mother would do, you don't dump your child just because you get a divorce.

@Jessie75 but it is one day. My wedding day I was not asking her to be friends with the woman again. As I've just said I'm not inviting my fathers partner so my mother won't be upset.

@home2012

Honestly I had similar with My mother over my wedding, over guests she wanted/ didn't want there. She really thought it was up to her who was invited.

I snapped in the end. I told her it simply wasn't her choice and she came with a smile on her face or she didn't come, Completely her decision

It really worked. She came and behaved

No that's actually not similar at all.

@madisonbridges

No one knows what goes on in a marriage other than two people. And even they will have different accounts. The truth is their marriage ended and both have moved on with their present partners. You have established a relationship with your father now and get on with his partner. No matter how hurt she is, and it was a longtime ago, your mother should be pleased that her daughter has a happy relationship with her father and step-mother because that makes her daughter happy. She doesn't have to be friendly, but she should respect your wishes on such an important day.

I agree with this. Your mum has a new partner now she cannot punish your dad forever. I would be tempted to tell her that he left her and not you, isn't that what we tell young children when their parents divorce.

Yes he “did your mum dirty” but he also did it to you.
A married man cheats on his whole family
If he couldn’t keep it in his pants for the sale of his wife why not for his child?

My brother in law is getting married. And the family member who was convicted and molested my daughter will be there. Not the chance in hell are we going even though it breaks my DH heart. Yet brother in law thinks we should make peace as it was years ago. There are some things that cannot and should not be reconciled just for one day.

This is not comparable in the least.

@bubbles123456789 I can’t say too much because it would be massively outing but let’s just say in the lead up to my wedding at two or three days before hand I knew something wasn’t right and on the actual day there was just a really odd strange feeling in the room that’s the only way I can describe it throughout the wedding breakfast throughout the reception everything it just felt like something was happening behind my back.

Everyone was really civil to each other there was no argument no nothing wrong Isearch but then two years later I found out that my uncle had been in court two days before and was awaiting sentencing on the whole day just had something hanging over it.
That’s what you’re avoiding by not having your dad’s partner there

IMO, the X female friend should not be at the wedding,

@Hoppinggreen

Yes he “did your mum dirty” but he also did it to you. A married man cheats on his whole family If he couldn’t keep it in his pants for the sale of his wife why not for his child?

And I've chosen to forgive him? I don't know what went on the marriage nor do I really want to know. I was 13 at the time and have only ever heard my mothers account as I've chosen to not question my dad and drag up the past.

@Hoppinggreen

Yes he “did your mum dirty” but he also did it to you. A married man cheats on his whole family If he couldn’t keep it in his pants for the sale of his wife why not for his child?

This is just ridiculous. Projecting her mother’s betrayal on to her.

[quote bubbles123456789]@Jessie75 but it is one day. My wedding day I was not asking her to be friends with the woman again. As I've just said I'm not inviting my fathers partner so my mother won't be upset. [/quote]
Has it occurred to you that she isn't trying to be difficult or create drama, she genuinely feels that she couldn't cope with that situation, would spend the day with her stomach in knots, fears she would cry, fears her ex friend might say something cutting, is worried that any reaction from her might spoil the day.

I find it incredulous that you are close to your mum but did not anticipate this, did not even talk to her first, merely invited your dad and his partner and presented it to your mum as a fait accompli, expecting her to pretend to be ok with it.

You need to have both your parents , step mum is not a big feature in your life and she should offer to drop out , and you can tell in laws to speak to your dad if they see him alone

Of course you can decide to forgive him but your mum hasn’t and shouldn’t be expected to

@Hoppinggreen

Yes he “did your mum dirty” but he also did it to you. A married man cheats on his whole family If he couldn’t keep it in his pants for the sale of his wife why not for his child?

But the OP has forgiven him and now wants a relationship with her dad and stepmum and to have them at her wedding which has now been denied?

What if the OP had been really close to her stepmum throughout growing up but the mother still did not want her at the wedding? Would she then have to be uninvited?

It’s not fair, OP should be able to have those she wants at her wedding, why should her day be spoilt because of her parents marriage?

[quote Jessie75]@bubbles123456789 I can’t say too much because it would be massively outing but let’s just say in the lead up to my wedding at two or three days before hand I knew something wasn’t right and on the actual day there was just a really odd strange feeling in the room that’s the only way I can describe it throughout the wedding breakfast throughout the reception everything it just felt like something was happening behind my back.

Everyone was really civil to each other there was no argument no nothing wrong Isearch but then two years later I found out that my uncle had been in court two days before and was awaiting sentencing on the whole day just had something hanging over it.
That’s what you’re avoiding by not having your dad’s partner there[/quote]
Yeah this has also been brought up that there will be a nasty and cold atmosphere in the air which I can understand, as I've said I've chosen to not invited her and me and mother have spoken. She started to understand my reasons for wanting her there and I also understood her pain a little more during our conversation. I've decided to have a meal with my father and partner a few days before the wedding and ultimately it's now my fathers decision on if he brings a friend.

I’m sorry your mum has guilted you into giving in to her @bubbles123456789.

It is one day. And it’s about you. It’s not about her.

Do get some counselling about how to draw your own boundaries with your mum. Because she clearly does think that her divorce is your cross to bear alongside her. And she’s likely to kick off in similar ways if you have children.

I think you should respect your mum actually. Your dad cheated on her and was very absent from your live for a long time. You're now playing happy families with him and the OW and now you're calling your mum petty when she's been treated awfully yet has remained your active parent your whole life. Tell your dad sorry but the OW doesn't take priority over your mum. Your mum deserves that.

Yes it's your day but you choosing your dad's wishes over your mum's are massively unfair based on what you've told us of your history.

@Hoppinggreen

Of course you can decide to forgive him but your mum hasn’t and shouldn’t be expected to

I never expected my mother to forgive her, I didn't even expect her to speak to her.

"I've now got the difficult task of telling my fathers partner she is now no longer invited."

It won't be difficult. The fact that you wanted her there will have shown her that you really like her. The fact that you are uninviting her because of your mum will give her the opportunity to complain about your bitter mum, spoiling everything and not moving on. I am sure she will pretend to be ok with it, to spare your feelings.

I think you have made the right decision.
You can always do something afterwards with your father and his wife include your kids and husband too.

@twominutesmore

"I've now got the difficult task of telling my fathers partner she is now no longer invited."

It won't be difficult. The fact that you wanted her there will have shown her that you really like her. The fact that you are uninviting her because of your mum will give her the opportunity to complain about your bitter mum, spoiling everything and not moving on. I am sure she will pretend to be ok with it, to spare your feelings.

Yes, good point.

The fact that you invited her says everything.

I know that you have forgiven your dad, but you mum hasn't and obviously can't even for you and even for just one day. That speaks volumes.

It is good that you have accepted your mum's decision. Yes, it is your decision in the end, but you have a good relationship with your mum, so she is the most important person in this. You are very lucky to have such a lovely mum. A lot of people don't.