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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding.
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:

sweetbellyhigh · 09/01/2022 11:18

[quote bubbles123456789]@Jessie75 but it is one day. My wedding day I was not asking her to be friends with the woman again. As I've just said I'm not inviting my fathers partner so my mother won't be upset. [/quote]
It's not just one day, it's so much more than that.

It doesn't need to be a drama. Both your parents can be there. No need for step mother to be there.

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 11:19

If he's happy to come alone why make that a problem? I've been to weddings where I've hardly known anyone, it's no big deal
Could he come just for the ceremony if not?

MumW · 09/01/2022 11:19

It's a very difficult situation that you've been put in.

I'd be tempted to talk to my Mum and say "We've been thinking a lot about this and we'd really like to invite you all. However, if you insist that you aren't able to put your differences aside for my one special day then the only fair solution I can see is that both you and Dad come alone. It's not what we wanted but you leave us with no other options."

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 11:19

It is good that you have accepted your mum's decision. Yes, it is your decision in the end, but you have a good relationship with your mum, so she is the most important person in this. You are very lucky to have such a lovely mum. A lot of people don't.

Her mum is the most important person in all this?

Seriously.

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 11:19

Well as I've said before thank you for all the responses and the advice, I've now made my decision and will celebrate separately with my dads partner involved.

OP posts:

StrifeOfBath · 09/01/2022 11:19

If the former friend / new partner had any grace at all she would step back from this.

Her feelings about not being included do not trump your Mum’s feelings of hurt, humiliation and betrayal.

Your Mum is making no difficulty about your Dad being there, it is your actual parents who matter most.

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 11:20

@girlmom21

It's your wedding.

Invite everyone you want to invite. If your mom chooses not to attend that's her lookout.

What if she didn't like your friend or didn't get on with your MIL? It's tough. She needs to put on her big girl pants.

Why can't her dad put his big boy pants in and come alone? It works both ways.

Squidlydoo · 09/01/2022 11:20

I’m with the previous poster who says that you gave time to let dust settle before deciding anything. Make both parents aware of each other’s feelings and then say you will discuss again in 6 months. Concentrate on the wedding planning.

Easy to say but I really think when the dust settles all will be fine!

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 11:22

@bubbles123456789

Firstly for the people saying I'm choosing the 'other woman' over my mum I'm not all I'm trying to find a balance for both my parents to enjoy the day. For those saying dads a grown man and can spend the day alone and don't understand why it would break my heart it's because I couldn't stand to see anyone sat alone at my wedding where it's a day to be celebrated let alone my own fathers even if he did have an affair! I'm now in the catch 22 of inviting my mum and only dad and him being upset day on the day which will of course upset me or inviting them both and my mum being upset on the day. As I've said I think it's clear that'll I'll just have to invite dad and ask him to bring a friend much to my dismay as now I've allowed my mother to put her feelings of hate and resent over a celebration.

I think you need to be honest with your mum that your dad's feelings are more mportant to you than hers. And everyone is entitled to how they feel, it's not necessarily wrong.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:23

@RedHelenB because OP wanted his partner there?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:23

@RedHelenB stop attacking the OP and read the updates

GabriellaMontez · 09/01/2022 11:24

My sympathy is with your mum. I dont blame her for not wanting the OW/friend there.

I'm not sure why you're so worried about your dad being 'on his own' for the day.

Gardeningcreature · 09/01/2022 11:25

MumW and if I was the mum in this situation my response would be “Fine, find someone else to provide childcare for your children 4 times a week.”
Do you seriously think the father and wife will offer to babysit 4 times a week every week?
I know many , many people in the ops position. Not one of the fathers and new wives ever volunteer to babysit to that extent. The vast majority offer zero child care support and I am talking about the ones where the child had a relationship with their father. In virtually all cases contact became minimal when the child of the divorced parent had their own child. So so many gathers in this position offered no or hardly any support.
The op needs to think about that.

ArthursSeat · 09/01/2022 11:25

I'm actually with your mum here.
She was the one that brought you up and by the sounds of it did it well in that fact you are very close and she's a good gran you your DC's.
Your DF must realise that his actions, not just to your mum but to you, would have consequences, but he still chose to leave to be with your DM's best friend.
Someone they can do that to his family will be absolutely fine sitting himself at your wedding.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:26

@Gardeningcreature you'd destroy your relationship with your grandchildren because your child wanted a relationship with their father?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:27

@ArthursSeat

I'm actually with your mum here. She was the one that brought you up and by the sounds of it did it well in that fact you are very close and she's a good gran you your DC's. Your DF must realise that his actions, not just to your mum but to you, would have consequences, but he still chose to leave to be with your DM's best friend. Someone they can do that to his family will be absolutely fine sitting himself at your wedding.

They brought her up together

TurquoiseDragon · 09/01/2022 11:28

I will never share the reasons I split up with his father with my DS. It’s not reasonable to draw him into that.

My DC know why we left their father. Because he was abusive to them, too.

Meanwhile, I appreciate OP feels in a tricky situation. And while the mum has remarried, she's still going to feel a great deal of hurt on seeing the OW, especially since they had been friends.

And if the friend had any decency, she'd have politely turned the invitation down. Actually, if she had any decency, she wouldn't have had an affair witth OP's dad in the first place.

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 11:29

@Gardeningcreature

MumW and if I was the mum in this situation my response would be “Fine, find someone else to provide childcare for your children 4 times a week.” Do you seriously think the father and wife will offer to babysit 4 times a week every week? I know many , many people in the ops position. Not one of the fathers and new wives ever volunteer to babysit to that extent. The vast majority offer zero child care support and I am talking about the ones where the child had a relationship with their father. In virtually all cases contact became minimal when the child of the divorced parent had their own child. So so many gathers in this position offered no or hardly any support. The op needs to think about that.

Do you know what? Any (grand)mother who uses childcare as a mechanism of control like this is utterly toxic.

Original poster

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 11:30

@Gardeningcreature

MumW and if I was the mum in this situation my response would be “Fine, find someone else to provide childcare for your children 4 times a week.” Do you seriously think the father and wife will offer to babysit 4 times a week every week? I know many , many people in the ops position. Not one of the fathers and new wives ever volunteer to babysit to that extent. The vast majority offer zero child care support and I am talking about the ones where the child had a relationship with their father. In virtually all cases contact became minimal when the child of the divorced parent had their own child. So so many gathers in this position offered no or hardly any support. The op needs to think about that.

She doesn't babysit 4x a week I stated I see her up to 4x a week, yes she has my children regularly but she would never refuse to see her grandchildren if we was to fall out? We've had previous disagreements and she's still chosen to see my children without me being there, she would never refuse to see my children because of my actions and I would never not let her see my children because of hers. Yes I'm incredibly lucky to have a mother who wants a relationship with her grandchildren.

OP posts:

forlornlorna · 09/01/2022 11:30

@Gardeningcreature

MumW and if I was the mum in this situation my response would be “Fine, find someone else to provide childcare for your children 4 times a week.” Do you seriously think the father and wife will offer to babysit 4 times a week every week? I know many , many people in the ops position. Not one of the fathers and new wives ever volunteer to babysit to that extent. The vast majority offer zero child care support and I am talking about the ones where the child had a relationship with their father. In virtually all cases contact became minimal when the child of the divorced parent had their own child. So so many gathers in this position offered no or hardly any support. The op needs to think about that.

If her mom refused to take care of the kids to spite her daughter then I'd say she's better off without her

ArthursSeat · 09/01/2022 11:31

@girlmom21 the op said she didn't have much contact with her dad. Whether that was her choice or not it means the parenting fell on her mother so that's what I would class as bringing someone up

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 11:31

My DC know why we left their father. Because he was abusive to them, too.

That’s completely different. That’s a problem in the relationship between father and child and a need to protect the child.

Whereas a child should generally be protected from the relationship issues between their parents.

aSofaNearYou · 09/01/2022 11:32

Well your mum is behaving appallingly towards you, not to mention terribly sexist in focusing her blame on the partner. It's very mature of you to recognise that, too.

I would be having words with her about that, tell her how much stress she's adding to what's supposed to be your occasion. It seems she's unable to get passed her own hurt, but actually she's being pretty shitty right now.

flashpaper · 09/01/2022 11:35

I feel really sorry for your mum, OP.
I understand that you have moved on and got close with your dads partner but it isn't that easy for someone who felt so betrayed, not only by the one person who promised to love and cherish her above all others but by the other person who was probably a close confidante too. She now has to see her daughter, who it sounds like she supported through thick and thin, have a close relationship with both of these people. Your dad, obviously, she can't say much about that, but the relationship with the OW must feel like another betrayal. I don't think you should carry your parents burdens but I honestly can't seem to understand why your dad sitting alone causes more upset in you than seeing your mum filled with anxiety and humiliation. You expect mum to pull up her big girl pants and face it but don't expect the same from your dad if he has to come alone. It's baffling.
Your latest updates where you have decided to uninvite your dads partner read like you're really annoyed by the decision you've come to. If you resent your mum so much for putting you in this situation, why haven't you just invited dads partner and told your mum she shouldn't come?

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 11:37

[quote ArthursSeat]@girlmom21 the op said she didn't have much contact with her dad. Whether that was her choice or not it means the parenting fell on her mother so that's what I would class as bringing someone up [/quote]
When she was already 15/16...

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