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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. Sad I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. Sad
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:
HoneyFlowers · 09/01/2022 11:39

Not surprised unfortunately your mum feels the way she does. I would just invite mum and dad, but not dad's partner. Good luck! Weddings can bring so much stress.

RedHelenB · 09/01/2022 11:39

[quote girlmom21]@RedHelenB stop attacking the OP and read the updates [/quote]
It's not an attack, it's a different opinion. That's what you get on AIBU. And I think OP is a bit. That's not to say I'd act in the same way as her mother, but I can see where her mum's coming from. Her mum doesn't have to be a doormat or martyr if she doesn't want to be

Original poster
bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 11:40

It seems to me that a lot of posters are now going round in circles arguing about the decision I've made and why I've made it. I do not resent my mum for me not inviting his partner to the wedding and I do understand her pain as I've stated multiple times. I just thought it would've been nice to have one occasion where we could've all be together.

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 11:44

Unfortunately I don't think you can turn off a thread or delete it otherwise I would've off as I've made my decision.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 11:44

I am glad it’s sorted and I hope you have a lovely day but as for everyone being together for 1 day I think you should accept that’s unlikely to happen.
Maybe your children’s weddings?

Original poster
bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 11:48

@Hoppinggreen

I am glad it’s sorted and I hope you have a lovely day but as for everyone being together for 1 day I think you should accept that’s unlikely to happen. Maybe your children’s weddings?
I dread to think what will happen at my children's wedding since they've only ever known my mum and her partner and my dad and his. That's for them to sort out when the time comes! Thanks for all the advice though Smile
OP posts:
GreenClock · 09/01/2022 11:49

Fwiw I think you’ve probably made the right decision OP. All the best!

ImInStealthMode · 09/01/2022 11:50

I'm with your Mum on this. I doubt she's 'more than happy' to see your Dad there, but she'll know she HAS to see him at these occasions, because she shares you with him. No matter her own feelings towards him she needs to (and sounds like she has) put them aside for you.

She absolutely does not have to see or tolerate the OW and her former friend, doesn't have to put her feelings aside, doesn't have to play nice. She owes her nothing.

The simple solution here is for your Dad's partner not to attend. It'll mean your Dad's on his own but that's hardly the end of the world and frankly if he hadn't been so loose with his dick 10 years ago he probably wouldn't be in this situation. Actions have consequences.

bigyellowtractorface · 09/01/2022 11:55

You can hide the thread and you won't need to keep seeing responses or ask mumsnet to delete it.

Good luck on your big day, personally i think you've made the right decisions and ones that will help you to enjoy the day.

Original poster
bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 12:01

@bigyellowtractorface

You can hide the thread and you won't need to keep seeing responses or ask mumsnet to delete it.

Good luck on your big day, personally i think you've made the right decisions and ones that will help you to enjoy the day.

How do I ask netmums to delete it? I originally did hide it but curiosity gets the best of me Confused Thank you!
OP posts:
Arucanafeather · 09/01/2022 12:04

I don’t think you’re trying to put your Dad and his partners’ feelings above your mothers’. I think you want your own feelings to count. Being a people pleaser doesn’t come out of nowhere. It comes from a childhood where you’ve been told your parent’s feelings matter more than yours and you had no choice but to live your childhood that way. Have a look into FOG (fear, obligation guilt) as I wonder if this would be relevant for you.

twominutesmore · 09/01/2022 12:11

"Well your mum is behaving appallingly towards you, not to mention terribly sexist in focusing her blame on the partner. It's very mature of you to recognise that, too."

Bloody hell now she's sexist too. How so? She acknowledges that op has every right to have her own father at the wedding but doesn't want to see her former friend.

Charley50 · 09/01/2022 12:12

Sorry I know you're getting the thread deleted OP and have taken on board people's advice. I just went to add I really understand your mum's continuing animosity towards her ex-friend. I am very close to certain friends, they know me so well having been childhood friends. They know exactly how betrayed and devastated I would feel if they cheated with my partner. I think I would feel as devastated by their betrayal, if not more so, as by my partner's. Maybe your mum feels a bit like this.

twominutesmore · 09/01/2022 12:13

Glad you've made a decision op.

It's in your mind mind now, she's got time to come to terms with it before other big life events where you'd like them all to attend.

Charley50 · 09/01/2022 12:13

@bubbles123456789 - report the thread to Mumsnet and explain to them why you would like it deleted.

ArthursSeat · 09/01/2022 12:14

@girlmom21 the op stated she was 13 when they split up and built a relationship with him 2 years ago so from 13-21 she didn't have a relationship with him.
I'm not sure where you're getting the 15-16 from I order to try and correct me

LilFoxes · 09/01/2022 12:29

I had this at my wedding with vast amounts of dead politics across DH and my set of parents.

We gave close friends the job of keeping them all away from each other and had to have words with all of them about the how the past was horrible for them but nothing to do with us and unfortunately, they chose to procreate, so we hoped they could manage for a day.

All came, they all just about managed to behave themselves although it was touch and go. Bloody horrible to be stuck in the middle of and won't bother trying it again. Should've eloped!

annonymousse · 09/01/2022 12:32

I've been in your mums position. My ex husband is now married to my ex friend who was OW in our divorce. He chose not to bring her to our daughters wedding. I didn't ask him for this and I would never have refused to attend but it would definitely have taken the shine off of the day if she had been there.

The betrayal from your dad and his partner was massive and I feel very sorry for your mum. It's even worse as you say it's a small wedding so she can't even avoid them. I don't have the answer but try and be kind to your mum.

Butterfly44 · 09/01/2022 12:33

Not sure why the partner has to come? She's not family....and it's a small family wedding. He will be fine. He's there to see his daughter getting married.

tetleyteafan · 09/01/2022 12:34

I think you have made a very good compromise decision that is fair to everyone.

Your poor mum, affairs destroy, unless it happens to you (which I sincerely hope it doesn't) you can't even begin to understand what she has been through. In her shoes I'd probably not have gone to your wedding if I'd had to watch my ex and his affair partner playing happy families with my daughter.

annonymousse · 09/01/2022 12:41

Just to add all the people comparing your mums new partner to your dads are very naive. Your mums new husband presumably was not a factor in the breakdown of their marriage and wasn't pretending to be your dads friend while doing the dirty behind his back. It's comparing apples with oranges.

Pheasantplucker2 · 09/01/2022 13:05

Similar situation happened to my sister - her OH's mum and dad had split up over 20 years before, and she adamantly refused to be in the same room as the affair partner.

It was horrible for my sister - caused huge resentment and family divisions as everyone took sides. In the end she just had the dad and mum and they were on opposite sides of the top table.

However, the mum had never found a new partner.

I think in your situation I would say to your mum, either you both bring partners or neither of you. You have both moved on with new people and whilst I understand the hurt and anger, I want you both there. This seems the fairest way forward to me.

See what she says.

But unmumsnetty hugs, because I remember how stressed my sister was about it all

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2022 13:41

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Yes it is a horrible situation but it was your dad and his partner who had an affair so I don't see why your mother should have to see his partner at your wedding. The fact that she was your mum's friend makes it a hundred times worse.

I'm with your mum and I don't think it fair that you should ask her to have to see her former friend.

I agree.
Bananarama21 · 09/01/2022 14:14

I don't think you will ever understand the hurt and pain until your in that situation op. Your dm shouldn't have even been put in the situation where she would have to object.

aSofaNearYou · 09/01/2022 14:18

@Bananarama21

I don't think you will ever understand the hurt and pain until your in that situation op. Your dm shouldn't have even been put in the situation where she would have to object.
I don't think this is fair. It affected OP too and this is her wedding.
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