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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Divorced parent drama.

313 replies

bubbles123456789 · 09/01/2022 02:44

Excuse the long post but it's hard to explain and I'm not the best with grammar either!
I recently got engaged to my partner and we've been discussing our wedding with family members, I was having a discussion with my mum that I wished for my dad to be at my wedding, for context they've been divorced for 10 years after she found out he'd been having an affair with one of her friends. Me and my dad haven't always had the best relationship due to me being a spiteful teenager and taking my anger out on him and his partner about the divorce. We hardly saw each other when I was teenager due to me refusing to see him. I know he was wrong for having the affair but he's still my dad and I've chose to finally have a relationship with him, over the last 2 years we've become close and I see him regularly as well as his partner- the same women who was once my mums friend. I mentioned I would be inviting him and his partner to the wedding as I'll be having a small wedding and will not be inviting anyone else from my fathers side and can't stand the thought of my dad sitting alone at my wedding as I know none of my family will speak to him! She's thrown a massive hissy fit and had told me she won't come to my wedding if dads partner is invited and that I shouldn't bother to send her an invite. Sad I'm now stuck in a dilemma as me and my mum have always been close, I see her 3-4 times a week and she has my children to sleep over regularly. What would you do? Invite mum and have dad sitting alone which would break my heart or not invite mum which would also break my heart not having her at my wedding. Sad
Sorry for the long rambling post but I can't sleep as it keeps going round in my head of what I should do!

OP posts:
Hi2u · 09/01/2022 10:13

Be loyal to your mum. Let her enjoy her daughters wedding. I can’t believe you’d even think of asking your dads partner. Massive betrayal.

jacks11 · 09/01/2022 10:13

I can understand why you are upset, but I think asking your father’s partner (in these circumstances) was likely to provoke upset. I don’t think I would have wanted to upset my mum, and I don’t think it should be hugely surprising that whilst she understands your need to invite your dad and is happy to be polite etc (however she might feel about seeing him), she does not feel the same about her ex-best friend who had an affair with her now ex-husband.

I think it is telling that the thought of your Dad being “miserable” without his partner there would “break your heart” and thinking he might not be enjoying your wedding would ruin your wedding, but the thought of your mum being upset/miserable at the presence of her ex-friend who had an affair with her now ex-husband at your wedding does not elicit the same “Heart break”. Instead she is creating drama/being self-ish and bitter and should “get over it”. I don’t really get why one parent potentially being upset will ruin your wedding (when there is another solution- him bringing a friend- so he is not alone), but the other being upset does not elicit the same sympathy.

Why can’t your father just bring a friend?

Alternatively, you can insist on having your Dad’s partner there- but surely either way you will know your mum is unhappy and hurting, whether she attends or not. Will that not ruin your day, in the same way as your dad being miserable without his partner would ruin it?

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 10:14

Whatever you do (and I am firmly on the side of "invite who you would like, leave it to them to prioritise being with you for your day or putting their own feelings first"), the idea of introducing your dad (and his partner?) to your ILs before the wedding.

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 10:14

He’s a grown man
He can manage to sit on his own for a few hours

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 10:16

I read so many threads on here where women discover their DH is cheating, or are gaslit and lied to before being dumped for another woman, and they are devastated and fearful for the future as a single parent. These women are generally universally supported on here - the cheater is condemned as a bastard. Interesting there are so many posters on your thread saying oh well the marriage was obviously bad, there's always 2 sides blah blah.

Support threads for women who are being cheated on are not comparable to those women insisting that their children take sides between their parents.

Honestly, these kind of loyalty binds are awful. Children have a right to a relationship with both their parents - regardless what has happened between their parents. They shouldn’t be expected to take sides. Even decades later.

BurntToastAgain · 09/01/2022 10:17

@Hi2u

Be loyal to your mum. Let her enjoy her daughters wedding. I can’t believe you’d even think of asking your dads partner. Massive betrayal.
Yes. Because creating loyalty binds us not a toxic family dynamic. 🙄
carolsforxmas · 09/01/2022 10:18

I think this is something your DM needs to work on moving on from. Even if you give in this time will she be saying the same about your DCs christenings in a few years time or their weddings decades from now?

It will obviously be painful but she has a new marriage and it was 10 years ago. Is she going to let it affect the rest of her life too?

My dad and the OW were invited to my wedding, not once did my DM express an opinion although I know she would have preferred he wasn't. Instead she enjoyed the day with her partner and didn't interact with them.

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 10:19

@Hoppinggreen

He’s a grown man He can manage to sit on his own for a few hours
The OPs mother is a grown woman who has been married to someone else for 6 years of the 10 year split. She doesn't have to sit with them or make polite conversation, literally just be in the same large room.
CatherinedeBourgh · 09/01/2022 10:21

Your mother is being pathetic.

He is your father, he has a partner. It would be awful to not invite her.

Your mother’s personal likes or dislikes of people should not have an impact on your guest list.

My father left my mother for her best friend, I never even found out about the reason for their divorce until after he died. It was between them, and her view was it should not affect their children.

MargosKaftan · 09/01/2022 10:23

Oh another friend had an engagement party purely to get first meeting between her parents out of the way before her wedding (they hadn't seen each other for a long time - she was mid 30s getting married and her parents were last in the same room when she was 17). Would something like that help ?

Gazelda · 09/01/2022 10:24

Do you have any siblings OP? Could they sit with your DF?

I think that to be fair to your DM, it'd be kindest to invite DF without his DW. I'm sure DF and His wife will understand.

Which would you rather - your wedding day without your mum or your wedding day with both parents there but your DF possibly looking like bully no-mates?

To make the day more enjoyable for your DF, spend the next year trying to introduce him (and his wife) to your ILs. And spend an equal amount of time helping your DM to get to know your ILs.

No big event, just a 'pop in for coffee to meet Bob and Jane' one Sunday morning. Or take the kids to the park and suggest ILs and one of your parents meet you there for an ice cream.

Family politics can be tricky. But keep it low key and low drama.

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 10:24

And I am pretty surprised that the OW has the front to come to the wedding

RoomOfRequirement · 09/01/2022 10:25

There is no way I'd invite the partner and I completely understand why your mum is so upset!
Invite someone else from his family if you must, but if you and your mum are as close as you say there's no way I'd choose to hurt her and rub that pain in her face at her daughter's wedding.

CookieDoughKid · 09/01/2022 10:26

I don't know how someone who has so little regard for marriage, the vows you take, the future you promise, can in all decency sit through a wedding ceremony when it's obvious they take it all as a joke - a nice party maybe, but ultimately meaningless.

This

I went to a wedding recently where both parents had their partners and the air was so cold you could have frozen water. They didn't look happy, the guests weren't and the bride was so stressed. Note the parents were well behaved, just not jolly.

My brother in law is getting married. And the family member who was convicted and molested my daughter will be there. Not the chance in hell are we going even though it breaks my DH heart. Yet brother in law thinks we should make peace as it was years ago. There are some things that cannot and should not be reconciled just for one day.

CookieDoughKid · 09/01/2022 10:29

I'm going off track clearly and don't mean to hijack op's thread but imo as you're asking for an opinion - you only have one mum.

Lifeisnevereasy · 09/01/2022 10:29

I’ve been in a very similar situation as your Mum is in op. Ex husband left for a work colleague after an affair. I had 2 young children at the time, she is now the wife. It’s a horrible situation to be in but I really think after 10 years and the fact she has re-married she needs to move on. Of course, she’s been humiliated and so on, I’ve been there but in these situations no matter how hard it is it’s important to put feelings aside. 6 years after it happened to me we all attended our daughters communion and party afterwards, ex with wife and me with my new partner. It was hard but I did it for my daughter and I know I’ll have graduations and weddings to come. I actually think your Mum is being very unfair to you. Life is difficult enough, maybe after time to think she’ll come around op.

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:30

@CookieDoughKid

I'm going off track clearly and don't mean to hijack op's thread but imo as you're asking for an opinion - you only have one mum.
She also only has one dad...
forlornlorna · 09/01/2022 10:30

It's a tough one. I'm divorced with grown up children. I don't particularly want to spend a second in my exh presence and his next wife was bloody foul to me. Caused lots of issues. But ffs I sucked it up for my children for their big occasions. I didn't make anything all about me and my feelings.

The thing is how long is this going to carry on, this is your wedding, in another 20 odd years time are you still going to be doing this at your children weddings? At your kids milestone birthdays, your grandchildren's christenings etc.

She's going to have to find a way to get through this.

I honestly have every sympathy with her but she will have her partner for support and family friends etc around.

Hopefully she's thinking about things now and will come round

Hope your wedding is lovely xx

Jessie75 · 09/01/2022 10:31

Who behaved appallingly and had no regard for his daughters happiness or welfare whilst boning the neighbour.

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 10:32

MargosKaftan
I think there is a big difference between sitting by yourself at an event (where people are likely to speak to you anyway) and spending what should be a happy day watching your ex play happy families with the woman who betrayed you so spectacularly.
If the OW wasn’t an ex friend it would be bad enough but as it is it’s beyond what OP should expect from her mum. As for this woman thinking it’s ok to come, that says a lot about her

girlmom21 · 09/01/2022 10:32

@Jessie75

Who behaved appallingly and had no regard for his daughters happiness or welfare whilst boning the neighbour.
And whose daughter has forgiven him?
CrappyXmasMarket · 09/01/2022 10:36

I get why your mum feels the way she does but it's unfair of her to put this on you.

I'm not going to say it's a decade ago, she should be over it by now, as it's different for everyone but this event isn't about her.

You should invite who you want and your guests will have to deal with it. Your mum saying she won't attend is childish and selfish. If you're paying for it then she should have no say in who is invited. You're already making accommodations in terms of not expecting them to sit together etc and I'm sure if there's other things you can do to make it comfortable you will do it. But not inviting your dad/his partner in your mum's say so isn't on.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 09/01/2022 10:39

I feel very sorry for your mum tbh
She’s the one that’s been there for you, raised you where is the loyalty

home2012 · 09/01/2022 10:41

Honestly I had similar with My mother over my wedding, over guests she wanted/ didn't want there. She really thought it was up to her who was invited.

I snapped in the end. I told her it simply wasn't her choice and she came with a smile on her face or she didn't come, Completely her decision

It really worked. She came and behaved

Hoppinggreen · 09/01/2022 10:44

Was one of the guests your mum didn’t want there a woman she had been friends with who was shagging her husband?