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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

246 replies

user772263 · 08/01/2022 18:30

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

OP posts:
Strangeways19 · 09/01/2022 18:28

She sounds very controlling & your parents aren't right to let her get away with such selfish behaviour. She's going to get a wake up call when she has to share, or lives on her own.
No advice though I'd be livid but as others have said it's not your house, but you can establish your own boundaries. Don't give her lifts any more & make plans to move out ASAP

supadupapupascupa · 09/01/2022 18:28

Go into your sisters room and take the desk for your room.

HaveringWavering · 09/01/2022 18:39

Why can't you buy hourself a desk?

GingerWit · 09/01/2022 18:44

@user772263

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

As a Mother of 3 - Stop cleaning up her shit. That's your parents job. Were you like this at 16?

Go get her desk and put it in your room.

Open up her door and kick all of her clothing inside .

Next time you need or have to pick up her crap/food etc, put it in a black bag and go dump it all over her bed and floor, then tell her you didn't have time to put it in the bin where it belongs.

Advise your parents your studies are equally important.

The music - Can't beat them? Join them! Out blast her with your own, then offer her some headphones.

Take the chairs away from the kitchen table? Hide all her pens?

Your parents are neglecting to correct her behaviour for an easy and lazy lifestyle - Feel free to lay down the law with your sister and show your parents how it's done.

masterblaster · 09/01/2022 18:49

@user772263

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

Is... your sister my daughter Smile

We nipped this in the bud as far as we could. She’s got a room, she works in it. Every so often we threaten her with a bin bag for stuff on the floor. Has she got a desk in her room?

RB68 · 09/01/2022 18:49

Yes they aked you to stay at home they just can't ignore your needs as well.

Tigger1895 · 09/01/2022 18:49

@SilverOtter

Use her desk?
This. If she’s not using then you can.
masterblaster · 09/01/2022 18:51

I’m in team “steal her desk”

Mouk · 09/01/2022 18:53

Move her desk into your room and use it.

Suzanne999 · 09/01/2022 18:59

Sounds like last child syndrome. Your mother sounds desperate to keep her as a baby as long as she can.
I admire your patience, I’d have knocked the little madam’s block off by now.
Do everything suggested —- use her desk or get a second hand one for your room ( try Freecycle, usually at least one a week offered here)
If your sister wants you to drive her anywhere it’s in your terms, she gives you the notice you require, asks politely and you have the right to refuse. Give her the number of a local taxi company.
Roll on March and hopefully your sanity will be restored.

mrbreezeet1 · 09/01/2022 19:28

No! YANBU!
The Bit€h should study in her room.

Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 19:37

Can you take your mum out for a coffee and have an honest chat about how you feel?

mugglenutmeg · 09/01/2022 19:58

I don't think @ParishSpinster was being unkind, I think she was giving you some tough love and trying to empower you to adopt the attitude of 'fuck this, I'm going to take charge, fix what I can fix and get through this tough spot'

I know it's reassuring to hear people agreeing that you are being treated badly (which you are) but if you are asking for advice then you need to consider everyone's point of view, and some borrowers may try to light a fire under you so you toughen up and stop letting yourself be walked all over.

Can I just say....I've never heard of a GCSE student studying so hard, she must be a fucking genius!

CrankyFrankie · 09/01/2022 20:05

Sounds crappy! Shit that they gave your room away like that too. I see lots of good suggestions and I’m not sure whether it’s been mentioned already but depending how big a town you’re in there might be a rent-a-desk/office space type office somewhere nearby. Often you can pay by the day. Must be plenty of empty desks about at the moment anyway, maybe see what the google gods provide. Good luck with your exams.

Dibbydoos · 09/01/2022 20:08

@Zonder

Wow you have a parent problem. Why won't they stand up to her?
Completely agree Zonder.

OP call a family meeting raise your issues. You're studying too but she is inconsiderate and your parents have decided not yo parent her, why?! How can her exams trump yours?

Be assertive not mardy or emotional. Say you just want parity and things to be reasonable.

Can you go elsewhere? Is that economically viable? If so, tell them you can't carry on like it is, you'll have to move out and if things don't improve move out.

Sending you a hug and flowers Flowers

RockyReef · 09/01/2022 20:10

Buy yourself a cheap desk from FB marketplace so you can study in your bedroom away from her noise (maybe make yourself a packed lunch to take up with you in the morning so you know you can have lunch). Then just put up with it until you move out in a few months (as in, bite your tongue at what sounds like gross inequalities in the way your folks parent their children). I have been through this all my life, my sibling is the 'golden child' who despite getting a lower degree and a not so good job as me, is always boasted about by my parents as being a genius and wonderfully successful. They were allowed to get away with awful selfish behaviour where I was not, and were afforded privileges by our parents that I couldn't have dreamed of. My sibling also has never had a relationship (they are in their 40s) beyond university, whereas I am married with 3 children so this is also used as an excuse as to why my sibling needs almost double the amount of financial help offered, and has vast amounts of help with their day to day life as well. I could write a book on it, however for an easy life and because I don't like confrontation I do a lot of biting my tongue and just moan about my sibling / parents weird relationship to my husband when they are not around. It's hard to feel excluded when you are not the more loved golden child but actually you can be freer to live your life how you want too. Good luck!

Mumontour85 · 09/01/2022 20:18

Lots of good advice here on this thread!
I'm going to come in with some random pettiness and say find out what time she wants the kitchen from and cook some super stinky fish, or microwave some broccoli or something equally foul smelling. Then sit with the door to the dining room open or in the garden absolutely blasting the most obnoxious music you can think of.
I mean, or you could just use her desk or buy some headphones...!

Mandyjack · 09/01/2022 20:27

She will get even worse now shes realised she can rule the roost. Even when she's done the GCSEs she'll then be in college or 6th form and be studying for A levels. Your parents are really making a rod for their own back. Ask your parents if you can either have her desk or the kitchen and your sister use the other or maybe go to the library to study? I assume they weren't like this with you when you were that age?

Delatron · 09/01/2022 20:42

Is the middle sister (who got all your stuff) still at home? Can’t you just take that room back if not? Unless I’m confused.

I’d decamp every day for a few hours to a local coffee shop. And yes buy a cheap desk.

Don’t clear up or do a thing for your sister. I just can’t get my head around how your parents gave all your belongings to your sister? What did you say? I’d have lost the plot!

I do think you need to start standing up to your sister (and speak to your parents about the situation).

whitechocolatespaceegg · 09/01/2022 20:49

Umm, why is she revising so intensely right now? Aren't the exams in May???

lockdownhasbrokenme · 09/01/2022 20:53

@whitechocolatespaceegg

Umm, why is she revising so intensely right now? Aren't the exams in May???
Mocks
ChrisConary · 09/01/2022 20:54

You said that she has a desk in her room. Claim that as your study place.

whynotwhatknot · 09/01/2022 20:58

Its your parents that are the problem here theyre making a spoilt brat-noone should comandeer a kitchen to study in and tell people to get out

your own gp were banned from the kitchen at christmas?

your parents are pathetic try and keep your head down till march then go lc with them all

AgathaAllAlong · 09/01/2022 21:21

I relate to this so much OP, if I were to ever live at home it would be the same with my sister. Parents' bizzare refusal to tell her anything, and instant comfort and babying of her whenever you raise the most outrageous thing she's done, however mildly. This is why I have little contact with sister or visit parents for long periods of time. You have my sympathies, it's not easy.

Not much advice I'm afraid, but here are a couple of tips I've picked up. One, frame every problem as your problem instead of about your sister and engage your parents in helping you. So instead of saying "she takes up all the kitchen and I have no place to study" say "I'm really struggling without a desk, do you have any advice mum about what I could do? Do you think looking on facebook market for one is a good idea, would there be room upstairs I wonder...." that way they might even realise and suggest your sister lets you use her desk, but at least it keeps you safe from accusations of being 'mean'.

Two, disangage hard. Polite disengagement and greywalling takes the wind out of their sails. They call you mean, you give a conversational "Oh do you think". They are outraged you've asked to finish your sentence, you give a neutral surprised "oh ok". I describe it as the same tone you use when you're at a party and your friend's friend's new boyfriend starts telling you that 9/11 is a conspiracy. You just go "ah is that right, that's nice, wow that would have been a big job eh", swiftly down your drink, and find literally anyone else to talk to. In my experience, eventually the weird polite tone to outrageous behaviour becomes unsettling and they start self correcting a bit. And even if they don't, it helps to remind you of the reality of the situation: that you are talking to essentially deranged people who don't really have anything to do with you.

Three, remind yourself frequently that their weird behaviour isn't your fault - you don't deserve this treatment and they aren't treating you like this because of anything you have done. They are dysfunctional, and ultimately you are a normal person leading a normal life.

Sympathies and good wishes - find the library!

independentfriend · 09/01/2022 21:48

Have a look at captainawkward.com/ and search through the archives - there's a lot there tailored to people dealing with difficult family members.

There's also a long running thread in the Relationships bit of Mumsnet www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4387624-October-2021-well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes that's worth a read.