My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

Think I’d be wandering in for drinks/snacks, tell her you feel light headed, you need a snack/hot drink. She sounds incredibly selfish/self abs. I’m surprised your parents allow this, particularly when she has a desk in her room.

OP,

Stop doing anything other than clearing up after yourself.

Focus completely on finding a space to study peacefully.

Moving out asap needs to be your goal.

Is there a room you could rent nearby?

Avoid your sister completely and do absolutely nothing for her.

Any requests from her should be answered with too busy with study.

Stop hoping your parents will be fair and decent, they clearly aren't.

You need to be utterly focused on getting through your course and leaving home.

Leave your sister and your parents to each other and focus on your life.

If you see very little of them, that will hopefully make them occasionally tolerably.

It's them, not you.

My sister (4 years younger) was a rage filled teenager so everyone tiptoed around her and were relieved when she left for Uni. Guess what? She is now a rage filled middle aged woman. I asked my parents why they didn’t do anything about it and my mum said they were scared to push her too hard in case she hurt herself. It seemed ridiculous to me at the time but now I have a teenager who is struggling with confidence and motivation and it is really hard.

Your parents comments that it is only 2.5 years before she leaves suggest they are either frightened of her temper, or worried about her or they are just being lazy in letting her have free reign like this (for a quiet life). Perhaps you could ask them which one it is? You want to be a lawyer? Start asking the difficult questions. Write it down if you need to.

Ps must be hurtful for you that your exams are being overlooked by your parents. I would echo, what others have said, focus on you and build a healthy support network around you.

I think request your sisters deskis made avail to you in your room or get on gum tree or similar and just get a second hand one.

In the short term look on Facebook marketplace for a desk, you’ll find something for £10.

Honestly, I feel like I keep to myself when I’m at home. But am constantly asked to stop revising to come and help with this or that, but god forbid someone puts a plate in the drawer too loudly… the snarly shushing immediately begins, even if it’s her plate that was being put away

And yet she can concentrate on her revising with loud music playing?

Honestly, you do need to grow up. You're 22, stop being pushed about by a 16 year old and stop expecting your parents to intervene as they would in a toddler squabble.

What age was she when you left - 10? You haven't really been in her life since then, your middle sister has. Perhaps she just doesn't know you as a grown up now - rather than cut out your family to only occasional visits, why not make an effort to have a new and more grown up relationship with your sister(s)?

And you are martyring yourself - get down off the cross, we need the wood. Tidying up after yourself is what a grown up person does. You don't get medals for tidying or walking a dog.

Your parents and how they coddle your sister is a different story. Maybe they are sad about her possibly leaving home and having an empty nest? Maybe they like being needed? Whatever it is, its not your story or knot to unravel. Just be polite, don't work yourself up if your sister demands something of you or them, and stop acting like an injured party.

And honestly, use her desk. Move it into your room. Buy one from IKEA to take with you when you move out. Use a local library. Just stop letting yourself be defined by things that happen to you.

I would take the desk, Your desk, & move it into the room you use,
It was yours, & she is not using it.
They, all, are prepared to let you take exams sitting on the floor, while precious golden child is sitting at the only other available table, playing loud music.
You do see this is a really unhealthy situation, she is narcissistic, the whole family are held at hostage..
Can you really not have a private discussion with your mother about this ?

If you don't have local library use local pub. Some have a beer garden so you would get fresh air too. Stop driving your selfish sister about. Or better still, drive her somewhere then switch off your phone and don't collect her.

You can't use a beer garden to study in January!!

You could however think about places people who WFH go to. Starbucks, McDonald's, library , local co-working space. Basically get yourself out of the house as much as possible and study elsewhere.

What about decent house cancelling headphones? I use Sony mx4 when I'm working with TV in the background. You can get ones that even block out sounds while they're not playing. Or you could listen you your own quieter and less distracting music.

Don’t offer her lifts anywhere or help her in any way. Requisition her AirPods and desk for your own use. She clearly doesn’t need them does she.

I find it incredible how many people just telling the OP to move out or justifying the behaviour of this vile family.
Your sister is a spoilt brat but it’s your parents who are most to blame.
You need to stop being a pushover and letting them abuse you. what happened to all the stuff your parents stole from you? That’s what happened they stole your possessions and I don’t understand why your sister accepted them. I get fitted furniture but that’s it. Everything else in that room is yours and you need to demand it is returned to you or replaced. If your parents are paying for your education take them for what you can get and then go no contact. They are absolutely horrible people. It’s bad enough that they have created the monster that is your sister but to be telling you off for not carrying on the pathetic pandering that they carry out is awful.

@ParishSpinster

Honestly, you do need to grow up. You're 22, stop being pushed about by a 16 year old and stop expecting your parents to intervene as they would in a toddler squabble.

What age was she when you left - 10? You haven't really been in her life since then, your middle sister has. Perhaps she just doesn't know you as a grown up now - rather than cut out your family to only occasional visits, why not make an effort to have a new and more grown up relationship with your sister(s)?

And you are martyring yourself - get down off the cross, we need the wood. Tidying up after yourself is what a grown up person does. You don't get medals for tidying or walking a dog.

Your parents and how they coddle your sister is a different story. Maybe they are sad about her possibly leaving home and having an empty nest? Maybe they like being needed? Whatever it is, its not your story or knot to unravel. Just be polite, don't work yourself up if your sister demands something of you or them, and stop acting like an injured party.

And honestly, use her desk. Move it into your room. Buy one from IKEA to take with you when you move out. Use a local library. Just stop letting yourself be defined by things that happen to you.

I think you're in the minority with your opinion so I'm just going to ignore this comment and hope that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. No need to be so nasty!

Also, I never said I was unhappy about tidying up after myself... quite the opposite. I said I was fed up of clearing up after my 16 year old sister who acts like she's 5...

I can imagine this shit going down with my parents 😂😂 complete lack of respect. Your sister is a CF and should not be getting away with her diva behaviour

Check your local university - some of them have reciprocal arrangements where you can go and use their library spaces if you register. I studied at BPP for my law conversion and Southampton Uni were happy to let me have access to the library.

You really really need to have a grown up chat with your mum and dad. Maybe not together and maybe not while you're at home (as in take one or both of them out for a coffee or something) and point out to them that they are not helping your sister because they are mollycoddling her and they are not preparing her for the outside world. No one has servants nowadays to clean up after them so whenever she is going to end up going to college her room mates will be very unimpressed with her hygiene (in relation to leaving food out on counters and not cleaning up after herself).
The need to see that they are being grossly unfair to you by giving away your stuff. My advice there would be for you to go back into what used to be your room and move her stuff out. Be the bigger pain in the ass sister that she thinks you are. She already knows what annoys you. Time to annoy her back.
If you have just taken your dinner out of the oven, refuse to take her to wherever she wants to go until you're done.
You're giving in to her pester power and their whinging when you refuse. If they don't step up and set boundaries for her, you will.

Unbelievable...is this a wind up?

Why dont you use the desk in her room if she is working downstairs?

sounds grim, but also short term. But her being babied like this, and your parents giving your things away to your other sister, are not short term problems though. The whole things sounds bad, and your parents have issues with treating you all well.
Any chance you're being punished for having gone away?
If they want you at home why aren't they fair to you?

I've done an MA dissertation & no end of essays from my bed. I use the opposite wall to blutack up big charts and quotations and things and write away. It's quiet and private. So your room is not impossible.

Sounds a bit like you're rubbing your own nose in the situation rather than either dealing with it or keeping out of it. But you know best.

Just buy yourself a desk! Look on Facebook market place or argos or something.
No one else is there to solve your problems, you’re an adult!

Get a SCONUL pass and use the university library nearest you. Your sister is being a CF and your parents are making a rod for their own back

user772263

Ask if anyone has a desk on freecycle. Be more pro active. Oh and stop the lifts.

Hi I had a commute when i did Law School so know how you feel. Try and locate a local library or even your local college library in it's walk in access. Use ear plugs for noise. Alternatively advertise locally asking for a quiet room and desk to rent. Is there a local Quakers house that rents small rooms? I've done this! I also found a break out area at night in a local hospital near the refectory which was good - coffee and books and quiet. Its all about setting up a routine once you have found somewhere. Good luck.