My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

Local library? Mine is really nice, nobody in there during the day either and if they know you they even supply you with a hot drink and biscuits

Can you go stay with a friend/aunt/relative until you get a place of your own?
You need to move out.

@user772263

My Mum asked and bought the new containers/organisers etc, and keeps showing everything off to any friend that comes over.

I think my sister just genuinely doesn’t understand how selfish she is. Or how her behaviour affects others. Conversation at dinner time consists entirely of her talking about her day. Nobody else’s day is mentioned. It’s just 20/30 mins of us listening to her talk.

I think I just need to keep to myself until March and then limit the time spent with family to Christmas and occasional weekends

OK that's fair enough if your Mum asked you to do the reorganising. All credit to you being so helpful when under such duress yourself.

Your sister sounds incredibly self absorbed. At least conversation at meals is easy. Let her chunter on and count the days until you're out of there. Get a cheap calendar and pin it up in your room where you can cross through each day until your 'escape'. If little sister comes into your room and asks what it's about tell her!

Your younger sister is a brat being enabled by your parents.
Use the desk, drag it into your room.
Do nothing for her. She is not your responsibility.

Do not tiptoe around the kitchen. Use the kettle, make a sandwich, sing along to her music. Then go eat in your room.

Only tidy up after yourself. You are trying to study too. Repeat this to your parents if they try to insist you do stuff for her.

Stay polite, state the facts. Sorry mum I don't have time. I am studying. On repeat.

When she interrupts you, say loudly I'm sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? And carry on. Your parents may then stop you but you will make your point.

You are only there for 2 more months. Grit your teeth & count down the days.

Unfortunately it is ultimately your parents home and there's little you can do if they continue to indulge her selfish attitude.

I had an entitled brattish younger sister enabled by a mother so you have my sympathy.

Your sister is selfish and your parents are saps. You live there, so it's your home too. I would be telling her that if she uses the dining room to study she doesn't need her desk so you will be having that, i also wouldn't give her any lifts unless she 'earns' them either by pitching in at home or at the very least being pleasant and polite to you. I have adult dc and teens at home and i don't favour one over the other. Teens can be very selfish, but just because your parents pander to her queen bee attitude doesn't mean you have to.

With respect OP you are 22.

Not a child.
Your living situation is not ideal, but you are old enough to be working this out for yourself.
Many 22 year olds are married, their own homes, children, work full time.
Your sister is 16, an age that needs more parental support, both financial and practical in order to study.
You had that support too at that age I assume.
But you are not 16 you are 22. You need to step back, step out and let your parents deal with their relationship with your sister.

Your sister is 16 - they are well known for being a bit self absorbed the world over. Your parents are keeping a balance and it is down to them how they handle it. Tbh some of your comments do indicate a bit of superiority from your stance too - “she’s insecure” “like a dog begging” - while you are tidy and cleaning it suggests your attitude towards her may be a contributing factor. That’s quite normal with siblings and usually changes but might be something you could examine. As others have said I’d accept it will be less than perfect until you move out and make the best of it. Good luck with the exams.

I can't wrap my head around your parents giving away your possessions. It's completely batshit. Be out as much as possible until March. It sounds like a very unhealthy environment to live in.

@user772263

I was literally called ‘mean’ by my Mum the other week for not leaving my warm dinner to get cold and be reheated later and driving my sister where she wanted to go, at the exact moment she’d demanded to go.
The answer to that is, 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.
Or, 'Her transport problem is not my responsibility'.

I do a lot around here. Between zoom classes and exams, I’ve reorganised their entire pantry, boot room, utility, kitchen and airing cupboard. I feed the dogs every day, I tidy the house, help with laundry, groceries, etc etc etc. and I’m really happy to do so! I don’t mind it at all.
Why did you do all of that?
You don't have to justify your residence in the house.
You are acting like a martyr, expecting approval and respect for doing dogsbody work.
Stop doing favours for your family. If it comes up, tell your parents you won't be helping any more around the house because you are studying. Point out that your sister is also studying and not expected to lift a finger. Let them put that in their pipes and smoke it.

she’ll complain to my parents if I decline her demand to drive her somewhere or devote 2-3 hours of my day to walking beside her while she hacks out.
So?
Again, the answer to any reprimand from your sister or your parents is, 'Sorry you all feel that way'.
Or, 'That's not my problem'.

I feel like I keep to myself when I’m at home. But am constantly asked to stop revising to come and help with this or that, but god forbid someone puts a plate in the drawer too loudly… the snarly shushing immediately begins
So are you being interrupted by your parents or by your sister?
In either case, refuse to stop for anyone, and tell them you won't be interrupting your revision again for anyone. You can stare them down if/when they express shock, hurt, disappointment, whatever. Don't engage in arguments. Walk away.

No more favours to anyone. Clean up after yourself, nobody else.
Use your sister's desk or buy yourself a new one.
Demand all of your clothes back.

You are going to be a lawyer - you need to start learning how to advocate effectively, how to defend your case, and how to identify and push home your advantage.

In this case, you are advocating for yourself by simply brushing off all demands made on your time and energy, and adopting the mindset that you give nothing away (no more favours for anyone).

You are defending your case by simply digging your heels in and refusing all demands, along with pointing out that you are only responsible for your own problems.

Your advantage here is that you are asking them to treat you as they treat GCSE girl, and that you are moving out in March. It's no skin off your nose if they all give you the cold shoulder or try to manipulate you in some other way in retaliation. Shrug, and thumb your nose at them all.

You can't stop your sister being a spoiled piece of work, but you can stop behaving as if you are on the lowest rung of the ladder here. People are going to treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

As an aside -
Do your parents tend to prioritise academic achievement?
Do they value it greatly?

I have a suspicion that your sister isn't actually getting much studying done, but is trying to deal with a bad case of exam performance anxiety. Pandering to her whims isn't going to help her, so don't feel bad about resenting her or refusing to help her out.

You are all very enmeshed, and I hope one day you can afford therapy to sort out the unhealthy ties and complete lack of boundaries within the family. The dysfunction is exemplified by the fact that your room and all of its contents were given to another sister behind your back, but everything you mention is happening in an emotionally unhealthy environment.

There is absolutely no respect of individuals within the family, the squeakiest wheel gets the oil every time, and there are no healthy boundaries (boundaries are the clear understanding of where one person ends and the other one begins - whoever gave your room away does not have any sense of boundaries, and the recipient does not either, probably because this has never been modeled).

Free advice to be going on with - you need to modify your expectations of fair treatment and stop working for the affection and respect of your parents. Get out as soon as you possibly can, and never return, even if that means moving into a cardboard box under an overpass.

Your sister needs to be told,to be more agreeable, and fair minded about living in the house with everyone else.. does she not know,what living in harmony is,and less stress for everyone. Never mind her being a teenager, that has nothing to do with anything, when it's down to good manners.

Sounds like you all have bigger and entrenched family issues which might take a long time , if ever to disentangle. In the meantime why not use the desk that your duster has in her room that she's not using?

@user772263

Yep. I was gutted. Only found out after seeing her post selfies in my room which it turns out was now hers. Even down to the desk I’d been given six weeks earlier for Christmas. Literally everything had been left in the room and the whole lot had been given to her

Well, that's you told.

I would want to be distancing myself from the whole boiling lot of them once I could move out.

How unkind they are

Why is your mum showing off her kitchen, etc to visitors?

Go and scout out local libraries, including any nearby Uni ones. Often allow residents access

Start cooking really smelly things in the kitchen. If the washing machine is in there put it on the longest program.
Hopefully she will find somewhere else to study.

@Herestoyoucolinrobinson

Maybe this is a stupid question and I'm missing something, but while law school is a graduate route in the US, we don't really have the equivalent here. Are you on a 2 year conversion masters course? LPC is just one year so can't be that.

I think if you've lived away from them for 6+ years it's you that has to fit in with their routines, not the other way round tbh.

You can do a law degree in 2 years here, I did -called senior status at some universities.

I did my law degree sat on my bed with very big cushion for support. Not one fir desks. Or I'd buy a cheap desk for £20 if I wanted to sit at one.

God this takes me back 20 years when db was doing his standard grades, no one was allowed to talk. Everywhere he went, he had a book stuck to him. It was horrendous. I did my standard grades a year later and did fuck all revision due to his weird behaviour.

As a 30yr old, I returned to uni and studied round 4dc, I can't demand they change their lives for me. I say my exams in lockdown with at least two dc in the room.

She sounds a nightmare and your parents’ attitude to her is odd. But it’s not long til March - I’d beg borrow or buy a cheap desk and keep to your room! X

@grapewine

I can't wrap my head around your parents giving away your possessions. It's completely batshit. Be out as much as possible until March. It sounds like a very unhealthy environment to live in.

This So your middle sister has all your clothes now? )bar what you took when abroad) And that's just fine?

Mov out, or th local library. You can also reflect that if she ever winds up in a shared student house then a severe reality check awaits her.

Do you have access to a library?

Have you considered that something may have happened over the time you were away? Has your GCSE sister had mental health issues, anorexia, drug problems? It sounds like your parents are afraid to upset her - maybe there's a reason they haven't told you. (Not that they're dealing with it in the best way.)

Use the public library in your nearest town?

Is there room in your bedroom for a desk? You can probably find one on FB marketplace for under £50.

Your sister sounds like a selfish spoiled brat. Your parents should man up to her. Where will this indulgent behaviour end?