My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

Ok, listen.
Firstly stop feeling sorry for yourself and grow some ovaries. They can only treat you like shit if you let them.

1. Buy a cheapo desk from ikea/amazon/the local Facebook selling page or charity shop.
2. Stop cleaning up after your sister. If your parents don’t make her do it then it’s their problem, they can deal with it
3. Stop giving her lifts. At all. No need to fall out, just say ‘I’m afraid I can’t’ nicely.

No excuses, no explanations needed

Good luck. You deserve better.

Has your DS almost acted as though the whole world revolves around her? Does her music not bother your mum while she’s trying to work? I don’t suppose there’s a lot you can do if your parents are intent on spoiling your DSis apart from maybe explain they’re not doing her any favours by treating her as their little princess in the long run. Would you be able to use her desk if she’s not using it? Or do you think she might have something to say about that?

Sorry OP, sounds like a very upleasant position you are in. Not very goog environment for your studies. Can you get your desk back into the guest room and study from there when you are at home? What sort of study do you do, can you take it outside? I had one winter in London when I used to take my study material outside and sat in a park with a thermo flask, wrapped in a blanket.

Your sister is being unreasonable, but your parents are enabling her behaviour and not managing her. Any interference from you sounds like it won't go down well.
Could you ask your parents for a desk? Perhaps suggest your sisters unused one be moved to your room. Failing that, can you buy a second hand one?

Doesn't answer your question, but it might help alleviate the issue if having somewhere to study - look into the SCONUL access scheme. It's a reciprocal arrangement between unis that would allow you to study in your closest participating uni library.

It's not that they favour your younger sister. It's that she's higher maintenance. As the youngest she sees the attention that her two older sisters get. Also, as the youngest she has to try to live up to the expectations of the others.
Maybe the middle sister did soak up a lot of parental attention for one reason or another. You are the 'obliging' one therefore the parents turn to you to be flexible in the face of the inflexible 16yr old.
I'd cut her a bit of slack to be honest. If you want a quiet life, then buy a used desk online and just study in your room and get on with things.
The dynamic between you and your sisters, and you and your parents, and your sister and your parents is too entrenched for you to 'fix' very easily.
Both you and your sister are in a tense time, studying for exams. It's not a great time to tackle these issues.
It's not easy being 16 and it seems your sister needs to claim her 'space' in the centre of the household for some reason. Maybe she has seen you been pushed out and she is afraid of the big bad world.
You'll get more co-operation from her by accepting her than by being reactive with her.

That sounds tough OP, and pleased to hear you have accommodation from March. I know how hard the GDL is, and having to do an exam on the floor is completely unacceptable. Others have given you good practical advice, so just wanted to wish you good luck and to say if it were me I would keep my head down for the next couple of months, and stay out of the house as much as possible. You need to look after yourself, and prioritise your education.

Are there any closer university libraries? I seem to recall when I was studying there was a reciprocal arrangement where you could get an access card for any uni library so you could go while at home in the holidays etc. Not sure if BPP would be part of that though.

@JazzHandsYeah

Well surely you can use the desk your sister has in her room. Either way, it’s your parents you need to address this with. Or move out.

Move the unused desk into your room? Refuse to take her anywhere, ever.

This isn’t a sister issue, it’s a parenting one. Someone needs to ensure everyone feels welcome and no one takes the piss.

Oops I see @Bhappy12 has already mentioned it! Yes SCONUL - I'd forgotten the name!

@user772263

Yep. I was gutted. Only found out after seeing her post selfies in my room which it turns out was now hers. Even down to the desk I’d been given six weeks earlier for Christmas. Literally everything had been left in the room and the whole lot had been given to her

Is any of the stuff that you want still there? You're back now, take it, including the desk! It was yours and you never gave permission. Bizarre attitude to the concept of possessions, unless your parents are part of some extreme religious order?

@Notimeforaname

If she's in kitchen with door closed and you in sit in the dining room with noise cancellation headphones on -but no music playing that should drown out most of her noise from kitchen.

So the bratty sister gets her own way, everyone is going out of the way to accommodate her preferences! Use the kitchen normally, don't tip toe around her, make her life unpleasant too, she may go and use her room.

If it is just a desk look on your local freecycle. You will get one.

? If it is because she is banning you from the kitchen then agreed that is ridiculous.

@Blueroses99

Use the desk in your sisters room? After all she isn’t using it.

How will that solve lack of kitchen access?

It sounds as if you have a car. If so I would do the following:
Make your car your own personal space to escape to. Ensure you have all the resources you need for study with you there. Also a foldup camping chair and cosy blankets/duvet.

Early in the morning or late the previous evening, pack up your breakfast and lunch for the day to take out with you in the car, plus a flask of hotwater or preferred drink. Also prep your evening meal and leave in the fridge ready for just popping in the oven when you return, or leave it simmering in a slow cooker for the day.

Drive to your nearest local library to study every weekday. Find a coffee shop near to the library with free wifi, for a break in the morning or afternoon, and to use their toilet facilities.

Drive or walk to a local park for eating your lunch and a walk/bit of exercise at lunchtime. Meet up with friends if they're free.

Return home when you're ready for the evening meal, and take it up to your room to eat.
Basically spend as little time as possible at home - avoid all conflicts with your parents and sister. Be pleasant and utilize your parents house as a place to sleep and do your laundry only.

If you have any spare funds, book yourself once or twice a month into a Travelodge for a bit of quiet escape. This way you will be far less stressed by the family dynamics and be able to get on with your own study.

Your family sound like a right bunch of arseholes. I couldn't put up with their nonsense. I know you have no choice at the moment, but once you move out I would have very little to do with them. In the meantime. Don't put yourself out for them, and tell them exactly why.

@Bluntness100

Move out?

Because it’s that easy 🙄

Your not so DSis is of course being very unreasonable and yes follow through on the good suggestions that have been made upthread.

Just one thought however: you mention rearranging cupboards and sorting out things since you have been home. Were you asked to do this or did you just decide for yourself it would be a good idea? What did your parents and sister think of you doing this? Maybe they liked the old way everything was arranged. Maybe your sister can't wait for March and you moving out again as you've changed the whole family dynamic since moving back in.

It's probably a very difficult time all-round for everyone but you just have to try and get through it as best you can if your parents want you to live at home until March.

In addition to the advice above - use this to make yourself utterly determined to not live at home again once you escape, op. It sounds like a nightmare and your parents should be ashamed of themselves for the blatant favouritism.

Why doesn't one of you study in the guest room?

So you're moving out in 2 months anyway? Can't you just deal with it until then? Or go to a library? I mean, even in uni halls I found it hard to study in my noisy flat so I just went to the library instead... and to be fair you are 22!

Although I do think your sister is selfish for not wearing headphones.

I was an utter nightmare during GCSE's. Utterly unreasonable 90% of the time. I went an actually shouted at a neighbour for their dog barking. Walked out of a shift early in shop I worked in as I was so consumed with GCSE revision that I misread the clock. I made everyone around me miserable and myself for a year. I thought my like was over if I dodnt get good grades. All this with no pressure from mum and dad. All self imposed.

She is being unreasonable studying at kitchen table but I can understand why ypir parents dont rock the boat if she is half as highly strung as I was

I did have a desk but it was given to my other sister six weeks after it was gifted to me for Christmas, so I don’t have access to that either

And you sat back and let that happen?

Take your own desk back and use it to study.

My Mum asked and bought the new containers/organisers etc, and keeps showing everything off to any friend that comes over.

I think my sister just genuinely doesn’t understand how selfish she is. Or how her behaviour affects others. Conversation at dinner time consists entirely of her talking about her day. Nobody else’s day is mentioned. It’s just 20/30 mins of us listening to her talk.

I think I just need to keep to myself until March and then limit the time spent with family to Christmas and occasional weekends