My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

If you think of your sister and your studying as 2 separate issues then you’ll feel less frustrated. You can’t control your sister or your parents. But you can control seeking out a quiet place to study like a local library or a local uni library if your uni is part of the SCONUL access scheme. I think it’s worth asking your parents why they go so soft on her, did something traumatic happen to her while you were away? Did she have some mental health problems that your parents are scared will repeat?

I think I just need to keep to myself until March and then limit the time spent with family to Christmas and occasional weekends

^this^

From your PP it sounds as if your parents are planning to pay your living expenses come March. That is HUGE for a student, especially in a rigorous course of study like law school and you don't want to jeopardize this. So my advice would be to keep out of everyone's way as much as possible and bide your time. Keep your eyes on the prize. Once you complete law school and have established yourself in a good job, you can tell them all the truth or tell them all to go to hell, as you wish.

But whichever you choose, I'd advise you to establish yourself a couple of hours away from where they live.

@mathanxiety what great advice.

If the house owners are ok with it then I think you just have to work around it. Go to library, noise cancelling headphones etc. To be honest your irritation is because you are too old to be living at home and used to living independently - it’s a sign you are ready to move out asap. It’s a good thing!

Buy yourself a small cheap desk to get through the next few months.

"Revise in your car"

"It comes across a bit like you'd dislike her for anything. Resent her a bit"

"Move out?"

The replies to the OP on this thread are insane . OP her behaviour and the lack of action by your parents would drive me mad. I would stop doing anything to help her, until she shows a bit of gratitude. No more lifts, don't clean up after her...nothing.

go to local library

Some of these replies 😂

Sorry OP, no advice but it's clear your sister is the favourite.

Let her study/revise but refuse to drive her anywhere, you're not her parent they can do it if she's so precious.

To those saying move out, they are her parents not her landlords. OP presumably wants a relationship with them afterwards. If this favouring the unreasonable tyrant 16 yo is not nipped in the bud now it will go on and on - over every Christmas together, over the treatment of each others partners and children as their lives move on, over the care of parents as they get older. It is more than just the desk question.

OP you've got to tackle it head on with your mum and dad and be prepared to move out sooner than might have intended. Do the talking before you reach breaking point and then you'll be less likely to loose your temper or say things you don't mean. Point out that they are setting up problems for years - she'll still be expecting unreasonably timed lifts after she has left home, and more besides. If they don't challenge her the family will be miserable for years. Can your other sibling help you out in talking to them? Or another relative - grandparent or aunt

Your middle sister behaved the exact same way so I don't know why your younger sister is taking the brunt of this.
And since it's your middle sister that was given all your belongings it's weird to me you seem to have no negative feelings towards her.

Tbh, it sounds like you both feel your own wants should supercede everyone else's. Is there a reason I've missed that means you two can't just talk about this and create a compromise?

Assuming you have a bedroom buy a cheap desk and study in their.

[quote mathanxiety]@user772263

I was literally called ‘mean’ by my Mum the other week for not leaving my warm dinner to get cold and be reheated later and driving my sister where she wanted to go, at the exact moment she’d demanded to go.
The answer to that is, 'I'm sorry you feel that way'.
Or, 'Her transport problem is not my responsibility'.

I do a lot around here. Between zoom classes and exams, I’ve reorganised their entire pantry, boot room, utility, kitchen and airing cupboard. I feed the dogs every day, I tidy the house, help with laundry, groceries, etc etc etc. and I’m really happy to do so! I don’t mind it at all.
Why did you do all of that?
You don't have to justify your residence in the house.
You are acting like a martyr, expecting approval and respect for doing dogsbody work.
Stop doing favours for your family. If it comes up, tell your parents you won't be helping any more around the house because you are studying. Point out that your sister is also studying and not expected to lift a finger. Let them put that in their pipes and smoke it.

she’ll complain to my parents if I decline her demand to drive her somewhere or devote 2-3 hours of my day to walking beside her while she hacks out.
So?
Again, the answer to any reprimand from your sister or your parents is, 'Sorry you all feel that way'.
Or, 'That's not my problem'.

I feel like I keep to myself when I’m at home. But am constantly asked to stop revising to come and help with this or that, but god forbid someone puts a plate in the drawer too loudly… the snarly shushing immediately begins
So are you being interrupted by your parents or by your sister?
In either case, refuse to stop for anyone, and tell them you won't be interrupting your revision again for anyone. You can stare them down if/when they express shock, hurt, disappointment, whatever. Don't engage in arguments. Walk away.

No more favours to anyone. Clean up after yourself, nobody else.
Use your sister's desk or buy yourself a new one.
Demand all of your clothes back.

You are going to be a lawyer - you need to start learning how to advocate effectively, how to defend your case, and how to identify and push home your advantage.

In this case, you are advocating for yourself by simply brushing off all demands made on your time and energy, and adopting the mindset that you give nothing away (no more favours for anyone).

You are defending your case by simply digging your heels in and refusing all demands, along with pointing out that you are only responsible for your own problems.

Your advantage here is that you are asking them to treat you as they treat GCSE girl, and that you are moving out in March. It's no skin off your nose if they all give you the cold shoulder or try to manipulate you in some other way in retaliation. Shrug, and thumb your nose at them all.

You can't stop your sister being a spoiled piece of work, but you can stop behaving as if you are on the lowest rung of the ladder here. People are going to treat you the way you teach them to treat you.

As an aside -
Do your parents tend to prioritise academic achievement?
Do they value it greatly?

I have a suspicion that your sister isn't actually getting much studying done, but is trying to deal with a bad case of exam performance anxiety. Pandering to her whims isn't going to help her, so don't feel bad about resenting her or refusing to help her out.

You are all very enmeshed, and I hope one day you can afford therapy to sort out the unhealthy ties and complete lack of boundaries within the family. The dysfunction is exemplified by the fact that your room and all of its contents were given to another sister behind your back, but everything you mention is happening in an emotionally unhealthy environment.

There is absolutely no respect of individuals within the family, the squeakiest wheel gets the oil every time, and there are no healthy boundaries (boundaries are the clear understanding of where one person ends and the other one begins - whoever gave your room away does not have any sense of boundaries, and the recipient does not either, probably because this has never been modeled).

Free advice to be going on with - you need to modify your expectations of fair treatment and stop working for the affection and respect of your parents. Get out as soon as you possibly can, and never return, even if that means moving into a cardboard box under an overpass.[/quote]
This!

That sounds like a total nightmare, but if your parents are paying for your place in March (is that right?), I'd find somewhere else to study, get a desk for home as well for convenience (ideally recovering your desk if possible) and just stay the hell out of everyone's way in the interim.

Can you get a gym membership or anything to give you some productive non work time away from the house?

@user772263

So far the advice to ‘move out’ is what I’ve primarily responded to!

The suggestions of using a local uni library or using my sisters desk are good ones that I hadn’t thought of before, so i think I’ve asked in the right category!

Do you have any close friends or family you could vacate to for a few hours a day? Not ideal but it would help get you through until you move out in March x

You sound lovely and your family sounds like it has a slightly messed up dynamic.

I say this kindly and actually wish I could go back in time and say this to my younger self…

If you want a career in law, and a healthy mind, I recommend you work hard now at setting and maintaining boundaries. You are going to encounter a lot of strong-minded people in a law firm or any legal department, managers, partners and colleagues. These dynamics aren’t always easy, especially as a trainee or junior associate. Clients will also need ‘handling’ and so will other parties (barristers you instruct, witnesses, the opposition, even Judges ). This is such a useful and necessary skill to develop. Along with enough self-esteem not to be phased by egos, willy-waving, CFs and advantage takers. Your sister is a CF and your parents sound quite unreasonable to me. I suggest looking at how to separate yourself psychologically from this, setting boundaries about how you will be treated and definitely stop doing favours that aren’t appreciated.

Good luck for your GDL exams (and the rest).

Oh and get any stuff back that’s yours; it was truly outrageous to give away your stuff!

I feel sorry for whoever ends up living with your sister when she leaves home.

This is on your parents - unless you think they will use it as a reason to stop paying your expenses, then follow your sisters lead and be selfish. Stop helping them, just clean up after yourself.

Get a cheap desk, noise cancelling headphones and focus on your study. If they want anything just say you are too busy studying.

Can you sit at your sisters desk in her room while she is in the kitchen?

Why are you being so nice to her? Have you no sisterly skills? Pull out and hide the lead for her speakers for a start.

Tbh though, families are messed up. Every family has its weirdnesses.

On a scale of weirdnesses your family sounds pretty functional.

It is not cool that your younger sister is indulged and of course she shouldn't have been given your possessions.

I think though that your parents are taking the path of least resistance and that they're not going to change. I'd focus on March and getting out of there.

I think you need to start standing up to her. Refuse to do anything for her, tell her to go study somewhere else if she wants everything to be quiet. Why is everyone pandering to this shite? Why is everyone on this thread suggesting you just put up with it . Tell her to fuck off!

Your parents are letting the tail wag the dog.

I've seen friends let 12 year olds say what goes in the house, get a grip they are opinionated children.

@speakout many 22 year olds are not married and in their first homes... that was my grandparents' generation

Many 22 year olds are married, their own homes, children, work full time.

Some 22 year olds. Very few 22 year olds will be married with children in 2022.

Been in similar situation. Advice I'd give my younger self is put some boundaries in place sooner rather than later to avoid this nonsense later in life. Eg imagine her behaviour in important life events for you. Start doing it now.