My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

It's shit when parents take the side of youngest kid. You still need your space too, they are being arseholes for not checking your sister. Teenager or not she sounds like a spoilt little shit. This is shit that you don't get over in life..you'll never forget feeling in the way or being made out to be the arsehole. People might say oh you should move out it's your problem...Bullshit..all you are asking for is a bit of respect!

How did your grandparents feel about being kicked out of the kitchen at Christmas? Perhaps go and live with them until March?

It’s a shit situation but I do agree with others that you need to start standing up for yourself. The next time your sister is aggressive or rude to you, tell her you’ll remember that the next time she wants a lift.

Am so sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds like shite...I have one who is 23 and at home now having finished Uni and another of 20 currently at uni. No matter how old if one of them was dictating how everyone else lived I'd be stamping on it. I have no useful advice as it sounds like you are stuck til March but I wish you all the best with your studies and hope you have a fabulous career and get yourself an amazing place to live ❤️

Aha, yes, of course. And they matter now don't they in our covid world...

@whitechocolatespaceegg

Aha, yes, of course. And they matter now don't they in our covid world...

I'm referring to mocks, as I'd asked upthread why she's revising now.

She sounds a right pain, younger siblings often are! Not much you can do except wait for her to either grow up, or your parents to say something. In the meantime, can’t you just get a cheap table from eBay and put it in your room?

Uf you have a bedroom then Get a small desk from amazon or argos a folding one and folding chair.
www.daals.co.uk/products/compact-flip-flop-folding-computer-desk-home-office-laptop-desktop-table-yellow?variant=31359626018867&currency=GBP&gclid=CjwKCAiArOqOBhBmEiwAsgeLmYOQ5Y5eoVcZ-37-a75oxYDXwid7J_rQ_LJ2mMNa5rVlC5ycpwH9lxoC6zIQAvD_BwE

The suggestion of a small cheap desk in your room sounds the best option for now. The only real solution to this dynamic is moving out - which will happen soon enough. You won't change this horrible dynamic whilst you're living there. I would in the meantime be very clear on what you aren't comfy doing though. I would not be driving a sister behaving that way anywhere

Just a thought, she seems very absorbed in her world is she possibly on the autistic spectrum?

You shouldn’t have to move out. That’s a ridiculous comment to make! Your sister sounds like a selfish little madam. Your parents are at fault here and should lay down ground rules for your sister to follow. You’re not being unreasonable to ask her to use earphones to listen to her music. Why should everyone in the house listen to her music? I would go into the kitchen to make drinks and snacks and not be driven out by a selfish teen who needs to learn some manners.

I’m contemplating moving out of my home for similar reasons ie a teenager holding more power than anyone else in the house and I’m 63. I’m afraid if the other adults who’s house it is won’t do anything then grit yr teeth til March or steal her desk.

Start working in the bathroom and when your sister needs to use it, tell her she will have to wait 4 hours as there nowhere else to work

Had a chuckle at some of the comments on here @user772263 but mostly just wanted to say hang in there! You sound like a fairly functional adult in a difficult family situation. Who knows what's happened in the family dynamic while you were studying in the US for 5 or 6 years. Your parents probably have an element of guilt for the covid life your youngest sister has had to live for last 2 years (not their fault obviously!) and perhaps have lost the plot a but with where the line in the sand between 'supporting her studies' and 'letting the baby of the family dictate the household' is drawn?

It sounds like you live fairly rurally, but if no uni you could ask at to use library, perhaps a local 6th for college? Maybe even worth enrolling on a random evening class like a beginners language course or something to get access to the facilities and a library entrance card?

Good luck hanging in there til March anyway, and I cross my fingers for some more functional housemate relationships in your future! Hoping you can get through this without burning any family bridges and you may all be able to gently take the piss about it this time next year ;)

If moving out is an option I’d be looking into that.

I don’t know why your parents pander to her so much though. It’s their house so they should be telling her to revise in her bedroom and clean up after herself. Unsure why their argument is not wanting an argument because she’ll be moving out in two years, two years a very long time to be letting her do whatever she wants. She’s taking the piss.

Your parents house. They need to grow a pair! Far too many parents refuse to put boundaries in place so that when their young people come out into the real world, they expect to get everything they want, when they want it. If they don't, too often it becomes a police matter as the police become the surrogate parent.

Tell your parents they are not helping. Tell them that they are part of the problem. You need to stop doing things for her. Just say No. Put up with the tantrums. Say it often enough, she will get the message. She is a selfish cow which is partly due to your parents. Hang on to that thought and it makes it easier to say No. I know, had same problem 40 years ago. My sister and I are now friends.

To sum up:

1. Ask if you can move what was once your desk into your room so you don't have to work on the floor.
2. Explore working out of home at local library or coffee shop though you may be so rural it doesn't work unless you can borrow your mum's car.
3. Go and stay with friends for the next two months or see if you can rent a room for the same time.
4. Sit down with both your parents and gently talk to them about their expectations. Be aware that having been away from home you may have left your younger sister to meld with your middle sister. Your DP still work so effectively you are "paying" them back for the months at home you are spending by driving your sister/walking out when she hacks/helping round the house. However there's clearly inequity when you have to tiptoe round her/help when she doesn't.

I think sometimes as a parent of the gcse age kids, you’re so grateful they are studying you put up with all sorts to accommodate them. I know I did
It does seem unreasonable DLS has settled on the most inconvenient room for her to completely take over. It’s a bit like she’s saying
If I’m having to do this , then you all have to suffer along with me lol 😂

It sounds like you have a really difficult situation on your hands.

You say your parents want you to live at home until March. Is it worth telling them everything you have told us and asking if they will fund you for an air b'n'b? Please do mention all that you do to help around the house.

It sounds as though because you moved out at 16 you don't feel entitled to be there but you are if your parents invited you.

Have that big argument with your sister. Sit yourself at the kitchen table at 6am and explain that you are just as entitled to it.

Stop helping as much, especially cleaning up your sister's mess. Do the bare minimum you need to get by. If the situation doesn't improve then disappear to the local library as much as possible

You can live elsewhere, your sister can't. I see your pov, bit I think her GCSES take precedence. Can't you revise when she's at school?

Some of our local pubs / cafes let you set up office for the day for £10-15. Buy headphones & go out for the day

What about a folding desk/table and noise cancelling earphones for yourself for the time being? I don't think you can change either your sister or your parents' attitude to her, but you can make things better for yourself for relatively little cost. They may both be useful in your future rental too.