My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

A cheap desk for your room is the answer here.

I’m not told! It’s just something I innately do because I was told so much as a child. It’s a memo she missed it seems as she’s the only one out of the three of us who is so demanding

Your parents have made it quite clear who the golden child is. Remember that once they are old and looking for care and you have a good career.

Yep. I was gutted. Only found out after seeing her post selfies in my room which it turns out was now hers. Even down to the desk I’d been given six weeks earlier for Christmas. Literally everything had been left in the room and the whole lot had been given to her

You need to find somewhere temporarily to live the situation sounds irredeemable your mom is awful for prioritising your sister studies over everything

Ask for the desk back as she isn't using it.

As others have said, get a desk for your room.
Your sister is still a child living in her parents home. They’re deciding this is how they want her to be. It saddens me when siblings get on. Is there anything you can do to improve your relationship?

As well as local libraries, how about local coworking spaces as they are often really focused places to work.

That's shocking OP, your sister does sound selfish and demanding but reading that YOUR PARENTS GAVE AWAY ALL YOUR BELONGINGS it's perhaps no surprise that she treats you badly I'd be spending as much time as possible either outside the house (studying in a library/cafe/whatever you can manage) or in your room with a cheap second-hand desk until you move out. It sounds like a toxic dynamic.

Order a new desk for your room Argos could deliver one to you for tomorrow, this one is under £50 and there are cheaper ones.

Otherwise learn to live with your siblings as you would other flat mats, you can't control what she does but you can wear noise cancelling headphones etc.

She does have fairly exceptional circumstances in that she's an ordinary 16 year old who has had her normal education and socialising/relationships severely disrupted by Covid. She seems very motivated to study, which many have struggled with over the last two years - and it is her first set of public examinations, which she will be feeling a lot of pressure to get 'right' whilst not knowing whether she'll actually take an exam or whether the mocks will actually determine her final grade before she has much in the way of experience in proper, formal examinations.

In addition, in recent years, instead of being almost certain to be able to progress to whatever 6th form/college and subjects of her choice, it's become more like university in that they don't know where they will be going until mid August and whilst before, a 6th form might say 'well, your grades aren't quite what we stated, but we know this is just bad luck on the day, so we'll ignore that on the understanding you continue to work hard'.

You have experience of study, revision and examinations that matter. She doesn't, so if you put that together with the absolutely normal temperament of a 16 year old who is feeling the pressure for the first time (with the utterly unfair stuff about 'if you don't get all Grade 9s, you've failed and your life is over before it even starts' that school, home and her peers could all be saying) - it really is wise to try and let stuff go as much as you can.

I'd say the most stressful times are

1. 16 when they're being examined for the first time.
2. Final Examination at University/Professional qualification.
3. A Levels as they determine university place and there's only been GCSEs before.

in that order.

Oh, and referring to her as worshipping your sister like a dog is really unkind. If a child of mine had said that about a younger sibling, I'd be very unsympathetic to the grown woman speaking about a child in such terms.

It's very simple. Don't do ANY clearing up, only the stuff you yourself use. While YOU help your mum, you are in effect endorsing your sister's laziness and and she will carry on acting like a slovenly b.
Just don't clear up...ever.
It's your mum's fault.
As for your studying, can't you go to the local library or put a desk or table in your room, something second hand would do. It doesn't need to be big. You can get tables which swing over your bed a bit like those in hospitals and they fold down out of the way.
Perhaps look on FB marketplace or similar for a small table with folding legs that you can shove under your bed or against a wall when not in use. eBay might have something along those lines. Don't be a victim and DO NOT clear up someone else's mess.

@user772263

I’m studying with BPP who don’t offer student accommodation, and I usually do study in the library but the commute is 4 hours round trip to BPP so I only go in two days a week. It’s also been closed since mid December for Christmas and reopens after our exams this week and next.

Don’t you have a local library?

I am infuriated on your behalf. I am the scapegoat sister. Get your desk back. It was your Christmas present. Or take your little sister’s desk. She isn’t using it.

Sympathy OP, no specific advice but I would hope our kids would always feel welcome and fairly treated in our home, whatever their age.

Can you articulate, without blame, to your parents how the situation is making you feel and that it is jeopardising your exam outcomes if it continues? (If you are studying long hours you need somewhere comfortable to sit and work).

Do you have other relatives/friends locally you could borrow a quiet house from?

Your sister sounds a right slob and your parents are as bad as her.
It's your parents home and they ought to man up with your sister too. Can they not see how this affecting you? And your study is just as important as your sister's? As for driving her places I'd tell her to walk or catch a bus. She knows whatever she says or does she'll get away with it as your parents are spineless and it seems to me that they favour her over you.
Good luck with your exams.

Your parents are in the wrong. But you need to go into survival mode.

ACCEPT that they are letting your sisters behave like this. STOP trying to change it, you can’t.

You have your own room. Set that up as your sanctuary. Make the best of it. Candles, headphones, nice lighting, good stationery, gorgeous bedding. Desk if possible, high sleeper with desk under if you must, or just work on the bed/floor. Do your bit but don’t be too amenable.

Get your work done and get out of there when you can.

Have you asked your parents why your exam was unimportant to them?

I’ll be honest as a parent I can empathise with your DP for not wanting to rock the boat with a stroppy teen but I am very aware I have 2 children and would never allow one to monopolise things at the detriment of the other,although bloody hell they do try.

Ok - first things first, you need a desk. You are obviously walking on eggshells a bit around your parents and I don’t blame you, but time to show a bit of backbone. Tell your parents you need your desk back, it was your Christmas present and you need it to revise. If they say no, ask them to buy you another. If they don’t, you have to take that on the chin and buy another one. It’s nothing on what you’d be paying in rent and you need to be able tk work properly. Either Argos, IKEA or you could look on Facebook marketplace for a second hand one.

It must be hard to see your parents treat you so differently but they’re not doing her any favours - they’re crippling her for later life. Is she the youngest? I guess the way they’re moulding her, she’ll be living at home on and off for some time - few housemates / partners are going to treat her in the way she’s become accustomed to…

@user772263

So far the advice to ‘move out’ is what I’ve primarily responded to!

The suggestions of using a local uni library or using my sisters desk are good ones that I hadn’t thought of before, so i think I’ve asked in the right category!

You sat on the floor and didn’t think to use your sister’s desk? Are you doing a GDL with BPP?

Did a little poking around Amazon. Found desks with free delivery within a few days for as low as £22. They are small and cheap, but would get you off the floor.

This is really tough, OP.

It's so hard for you as you've moved out, lived independently overseas and are now back at the family home in limbo while you wait for your new place.

I presume your mum and dad let your sister have your old bedroom as they feel you've left home mainly?

What bedroom do you have now?

I guess your parents see you as a bit transient?

Are there any co-working spaces near to you that have reasonably priced hot desking? That could be both vibrant and practical for uou?

Sorry OP bu tyou have the dumbest parents in the world. They are doing no one any favours here with their ridiculous ideas,Move out lovely and leave them all to it, Totally bizaare.

just get a cheap desk (that can be folded away if your room is small) - you can pick them up for 10 - 20 quid!

Seeing as her New Years resolution was to be more like our middle sibling, I think the comment was entirely warranted. Especially as she beat hugs middle sisters boyfriend because she’s worried about getting left behind. The dynamic is just so bizzare and even our mum has said that younger sister often deliberately excludes her from conversation with middle sister. Younger sister is very possessive and obsessive over middle sister and deliberately very excluding