My sister kicked us out of the kitchen

[user772263]

Hi everyone. I’m 22 and currently living at home whilst in my first year of law school.

I’m really struggling with my sister, who is 16.

She’s studying for her GCSEs and has claimed the kitchen as her study spot despite having a desk in her room, and demands quiet and/or everyone out of the kitchen.

She is typically revising from 3-5 hours per day and gives herself one day off per week. So basically, 6 days a week, the kitchen is off limits for an average of 4 hours at a time.

Next to the kitchen is a dining room where my Mum works. I’ve sat in there with her to study from time to time, but my sister plays her music while revising and refuses to listen through headphones, so it’s tricky to get stuck into reading cases with Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber playing in the background.

So, this leaves me with no table to sit at to revise, and I’ve ended up sitting on my bedroom floor. I had a 2 hour exam yesterday and did it from my bedroom floor because my sister won’t listen to her music through headphones, or study from the desk in her bedroom.

I’m also struggling with the fact that she uses ‘revising’ as a cop out for doing literally anything and everything around the house. She eats breakfast and leaves her dishes and snack bar wrappers on the side, claiming that she’s too busy revising to put them away. The other day she’d cooked herself some pasta and had left grated cheese all over the counter which she again claimed she was ‘too busy’ to clean up.

She’s got a metre long pile of clothes, books, etc stacked up outside her room that she can’t be bothered to put away, and she literally came downstairs the other day saying that she couldn’t find her jodhpurs, only to find that they’d been put away in her dresser. Turns out, she hadn’t even thought to look through her drawers because her clothes are scattered all over the floor.

Basically, I’m really struggling. My parents refuse to bring things up with her because she’s only got 2.5 years left living at home and they don’t want to cause an argument, but we’ve literally gone from a house with rules to a house where it’s a free for all. I honestly cannot recall a time in the last 6 months that she was reprimanded for something or told to do something for herself.

She had an eight person party for New Year’s Eve and the following morning, she napped while my parents and I cleaned the kitchen and living room.

Ok. Rant over. Advice please!!

Revise in your car. Take all your books, snacks, etc. and settle down with peace and quiet and the heating on. I was in a situation where I had to work from my car and I actually quite enjoyed it.

@user772263

So far the advice to ‘move out’ is what I’ve primarily responded to!

The suggestions of using a local uni library or using my sisters desk are good ones that I hadn’t thought of before, so i think I’ve asked in the right category!

Why did they give your desk to your other sister?

Where is she in all this?

Your parents sound minted - US school, BPP (ain’t cheap), sister riding lessons etc etc it’s like some teenage Netflix drama…

Get yourself an air bnb

Your parents suck; they are the ones allowing this to happen. They are the ones prioritising one sibling over the other two. And two of you are studying for your futures and the third will be soon enough.

Your sister needs to be sent to her desk in her room to study. They need to replace the desk they took off of you. Then the kitchen can be used.

Well I think the responses to 'move out' aren't wildly helpful. I'm sure you're on a limited budget and I'm the camp that thinks your sister is being unreasonable, and your parents are also being unreasonable for not dealing with it. They say they don't want to cause a row - but they are happy to make you feel uncomfortable and for you to find it difficult to study. That hardly seems fair.

You say you drive your sister around. Stop doing this. She's doing you no favours so it's difficult to see why you should do any for her. If she throws a blue fit then let her. Just say that when she starts to treat you with some respect you'll be happy to resume giving her lifts.

In the interim I would suggest your local public library is a good option because it will be quiet and, I would think, quite empty. I understand about BPP not offering student accommodation - do they offer study facilities ? Would that help ?

Failing that, is there anyone else on your course you could study with ? Perhaps sweeten the 'ask' by explaining you can't get peace and quiet at home and if they could help out you'd cook them dinner or something ?

Longer term I think you do need to move out, and I'd quietly remember all of this for the future in case any angry conversations ensue further down the line.

Good luck with your studies !

Also my other sister and I are expected to put our dishes away, just not her.

And my dad gave her AirPods so that she’d have nice headphones to use and she still refuses to study without music playing out loud.

My grandparents visited for Christmas and the entire time they were here they were asked to stay out of the kitchen. It was literally Christmas Eve and we were tiptoeing around her

Local libraries (the ones open to the general public not belonging to universities) sometimes have a quiet study room. You might need to be a member but it is usually free of charge and you get a membership card by applying when you first visit the library. This gives you access to all public libraries within the borough you live in. Try them all until you find one you like with opening hours to suit. Look on your local council website.

I'd move out for good as soon as possible if I were you. Your sister is unbelievably spoilt, a nightmare to live with and very rude to everyone. God help those who will ever need to house share with her in the future. She will be disliked by absolutely everyone because she will always be messy and selfish. By 16, the real her has been shaped for good. Tell her that. And Stop giving her lifts.

@user772263

I’m studying with BPP who don’t offer student accommodation, and I usually do study in the library but the commute is 4 hours round trip to BPP so I only go in two days a week. It’s also been closed since mid December for Christmas and reopens after our exams this week and next.

You can use a local university library, they have reciprocal arrangements.

I would put up a sign in front of you saying Revising in Progress

The people who are suggesting that the OP moves out clearly have no idea how expensive it is now to even rent a tiny room. It is not feasible for most young people.

Look up the SCONUL Access scheme.

This solves the symptom not the issue but buy a cheap desk from ikea so at least you don’t have to sit on your bedroom floor.

I have two girls roughly the ages of you and your sister and I cannot imagine allowing this dynamic when my oldest is home from uni. Are there other issues with your parents? You sound very accepting of the situation.

I don’t have a car sadly but do use my Mums when I can!

Your sisters behaviour is pretty typical and f a self-absorbed 16yo right down to the pile of clothes on the floor and having no time to do anything "because I'm revising".
Teenagers are generally very unreasonable creatures.

On the flip side, you both sound like very studious young people and that is admirable.

I don't think your parents are going to change their ways. They are literally holding out for her to get older.

You both sound very able and she will probably let morph into a much nicer person in time. For now I think you'd be wise to somehow create your own study spot even if it is in your bedroom or at a local library. March is not too far away now.

I think she does it because our middle sister did it and she worships her like a dog begging for food.

My sister used to stick post-it notes all over the kitchen when she revised and lo and behold, my younger sister has demanded she will do the same

I think it’s an insecurity/attention thing

It comes across a bit like you'd dislike her for anything. Resent her a bit.
My sister was the same ..maybe that's why I'm picking up on it.

Live and let live. You're an adult. She is still technically a child, it's a waste of time wondering or questioning why your parents wont parent her as you see fit.

You'll be out in March. Keep your head down and get on with things.

I think it’s time for a family meeting. Your exams are just as important as hers. It’s ridiculous that you are having to sit on the floor to do your work when she has her desk in her bedroom and the living area. I would sit down with your parents and with her and talk this through.

People are being annoying on this thread OP, but the dynamic here would drive most people insane!

Your parents are favouring one daughter for some reason, and that must be incredibly difficult.

I would just calmly refuse to do any more favours and stand up for yourself - maybe call a family meeting? - and lay out the situation - what you've been doing vs what she's been doing - and say it needs to change.

This dynamic can only continue if everyone allows it to continue. If your parents like an easy life stop giving it to them!

And it all else fails you're moving out in March x

Cross post!

When your sister goes to university, she will struggle in shared accommodation.

I think 4/5 hours revising per day is quite committed for a 16 year old, but is she not at school most of the time?

I agree with those saying to use her desk or go to the library or a cafe or even rent an office space if that's a possibility?

A lot of your complaints are daft - ie being told to put your dishes away. You're 22, you shouldn't need to be told.

You're 22, back living at home. That's bound to cause issues, I love my parents but they'd drive me mad.

It does seem they baby her and she's their favourite child. That won't change. You can't change their behaviour or their feelings. You can only change what you do. Either put up with it for the free accommodation or move out.

When your sister goes to university, she will struggle in shared accommodation.

Not at all - she will drop all the nonsense when she wants to make friends.

Join her. Join her in everything, sit with her, behave like her. Parrot her.
I have sisters. We were awful to each other.

You’re right actually, it’s difficult not to resent her slightly when she’s very manipulative.

She will deliberately exclude me from conversations around the dinner table, she’s very possessive of our middle sister and will demand to watch horror movies with her because she knows the likelihood of joining them to watch a horror is low, and she’ll complain to my parents if I decline her demand to drive her somewhere or devote 2-3 hours of my day to walking beside her while she hacks out.

Honestly, I feel like I keep to myself when I’m at home. But am constantly asked to stop revising to come and help with this or that, but god forbid someone puts a plate in the drawer too loudly… the snarly shushing immediately begins, even if it’s her plate that was being put away

I was at school in the US and my entire room (fair enough) was given to my sister, but along with the room, the entirety of its contents was also given. So I literally lost everything I’d left at home. Clothes, toiletries, everything

Sorry what?

Is she the family golden child?

As your parents are not going to stand up to her, you need to stand up to them.

I would commandeer her desk personally. If she’s miffed, she’s not using it and it’s the only place you have to revise, offer to swap her for the kitchen table.

Your exams are actually more important than hers.