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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
BooksAndGin · 08/01/2022 18:05

Oh and his mum doesn't have a clue who you are?! But your dressing their daughter? WTF. Hmm

AlDanvers · 08/01/2022 18:05

It was over Facebook she obviously searched me. No I am his first relationship since they split two years ago.

How would she know your name? If he has never mentioned you. And I am betti g from that message you are nor the first woman who has met his daughter.

Yes her jeans were on back to front as she put them on herself and didn't want to change them around and since I'm not her mum I didn't feel I had the right to challenge her. I took her as my partner had work.

So, you are involved enough to be childcare for his child. But not do it properly?

What were his plans for her, if you had been sensible and said you weren't his default childcare.

He is taking the piss.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/01/2022 18:05

So your new boyfriend is looking for somebody to do unpaid childminding? Are you serious? The mother is right, you should be nowhere near her child at this stage, let alone dressing her and doing nursery runs Hmm. I'd have gone batshit too.

I cannot believe a responsible parent would introduce you to a small child that quickly. What a twat he is. Further, what would he have done if you'd not been there and he "needed to work". I'd take a massive step back here, it's all completely inappropriate. You are strangers to eachother. That poor child.

XmasElf10 · 08/01/2022 18:06

You are totally unreasonable to be this involved with his DD. Take telling and see your boyfriend when his DD is not there or is in bed.

BurntO · 08/01/2022 18:06

It’s aggressive but she’s right. I’d be FUMING if I was her

LeifSan · 08/01/2022 18:06

I’m not surprised she’s annoyed although I would have worded the message differently and sent it to my ex. It’s too soon to be playing mummy to this child, you barely know her dad let alone her. How old are you and do you have kids?

Aren’t you concerned he is being so lax as a parent after such a short time to not only have you meet his child but take on responsibility for getting her dressed and to nursery? Your spidey sense should be going about him because this is wildly inappropriate from him as a father.

MaybeMaybeNotJ · 08/01/2022 18:06

YABU you shouldn’t be anywhere near his child in a state of undress at this stage in your relationship.

roundtable · 08/01/2022 18:06

She is aggressive but not ridiculous.

I think I'd be aggressive if I found out someone I had never met was dressing my child though.

It's far too soon op. What on earth was her dad thinking?

hazelnutpraline · 08/01/2022 18:06

I wouldn’t even call someone my boyfriend this soon, let alone partner. I’m not surprised the child’s mum is furious, I would be too. Take a big step back and rethink your life choices, including your choice in men.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/01/2022 18:07

The problem here op, is that the mother is 100% right with everything she said.

Greenfields124 · 08/01/2022 18:07

I would say he was a pretty awful parent for letting you get her dressed and take her to nursery, he's only just getting to know you.
He should have done all of that.
It's too much too soon.
Bonkers.

mumpower3 · 08/01/2022 18:07

Yep.....as a mother of 3 i would have gone bat shit. Who the hell leaves their child with practically a stranger?! Whom they have never met!! Let alone take on the "step mum" role. The fact she is also saying "drinking or taking god knows what" do any of you drink or do drugs? Because my child wouldn't be going full stop! Hmm

thickthighs73 · 08/01/2022 18:08

I don’t blame the mother for being furious! So many children have suffered and continue to suffer because of parents letting any Tom, Dick and Anna into their children’s life’s. I’m with the Mother on this.

FrasierCraneDay · 08/01/2022 18:08

This reply has been deleted

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iklboo · 08/01/2022 18:08

He's not your partner after 2 months. He shouldn't have introduced you to his daughter so soon and definitely shouldn't asked you to dress her & take her to nursery.

anon12345678901 · 08/01/2022 18:08

@Hugasauras

After all the horrible stories in the news lately about the new partners of parents and young children, I think she has a point. It was sharply expressed but she was probably writing from a place of shock that someone she didn't even seem to really know about and who has barely been in her ex's life, let alone her daughter's, has been dressing her 3yo (incorrectly) and taking her to nursery. It's v inappropriate, IMO.
Exactly. For god sake how many more stories need to come out before someone realised their child's safety is more important than a shag. FFS people need to stop introducing their children to brand new partners.
billy1966 · 08/01/2022 18:08

@CharlotteGoldenblattYork

Sounds like your boyfriend is just looking for someone to take over childcare duties for him
This.
CornishTiger · 08/01/2022 18:09

You aren’t his super nanny, au pair or Mary poppins. See him on your terms away from his daughter. Build the relationship slowly before you get involved with the daughter.

Poor child doesn’t need someone else parenting her at the moment or taking time away from her time with Dad.

This says ALOT about your new boyfriend.

ChampagneLassie · 08/01/2022 18:09

@mothtoflutter I think you've got caught in the middle here but it is your partners' behaviour that is inappropriate. Put yourself in the mothers' shoes. Agreeing that partners are introduced to children AFTER a good amount of time and AFTER meeting the other parent sounds very sensible and resonable. Introducing you after a few weeks and then getting you to dress his child and take to nursery is really not reasonable at all. If I were you, I'd step back and get him to sort this out. He shouldn't have foisted this on you.

Original poster
mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 18:09

Ok point taken then, maybe I overstepped the boundaries. I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

No I don't have kids and I'm 24 to whoever is asking.

OP posts:
Heartburnkillingme · 08/01/2022 18:10

Why is everybody glossing over the “drinking or taking god knows what”. Where you drinking op? Do you take drugs? Neither of you have any business playing happy families at this stage.

Original poster
mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 18:10

And no, we will have some wine or whatever but not get drunk and we certainly don't take drugs although we both have in the past but not together.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2022 18:11

She was rude and overly aggressive and should have taken this up with her ex rather than you

But, it is far too early for you to be playing step mum and you should be very, very wary of a man who is so eager to cast you in that role. Sure he had work. But I'm sure he's had to work before and got his child to nursery.

So you've got a lazy bloke with a bitch for an ex. Are you sure this is going to work out for you?

Aardvarkitsabloodyaardvark · 08/01/2022 18:11

I can't actually believe what I'm reading.
You are not his partner after 2 months what are you thinking, why are you taking responsibility for his child after 2 months?
I've livid if I was the child's mum and you should be angry with your boyfriend of 8 weeks for putting you in this situation.

ldontWanna · 08/01/2022 18:11

Yes the message is not nice and is quite aggressive. However, she has a point.

Two months in you shouldn't even have met the DD yet, much less help dress her, take her to nursery etc.

While the responsibility lies with your boyfriend, assuming you are a grown woman, you should've known better too.

Too much , too soon. Step right back, meet when he doesn't have her and focus on having a relationship with him before you even attempt one with his daughter.

You might not like what his ex said or how she said it but she is correct and has every right to be pissed off.