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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
theNumbersStation · 08/01/2022 18:17

The mother is right in what she is saying, even if the delivery was pointed.

Your boyfriend (partner after a few weeks?) lacks judgement. And sense. He is very much in the wrong here.

GoGoGretaDoll · 08/01/2022 18:17

OK so if you are seriously saying 'hey, I was just trying to help out here' then let me break this down for you a bit.

You shouldn't be meeting new partner's kids until you are certain your relationship is solid and that you want to be on that kind of footing. I'd suggest that takes at least a year.

Why?

Because it's actively harmful for young kids to be introduced to a stream of 'new mummies' or 'new daddies'. It's confusing.

Because young children are allowed boundaries. How would you feel if someone you'd just met saw you undressed?

Because some men are lazy fuckwits who are looking for a nanny-shag. That's where you get to be sexy girlfriend AND do all their childcare for them. It's not fun. Avoid these men.

Because if you DO get involved with a little kid and then you and the dad split up, it can actually break your heart.

Because you inevitably have to deal with an ex - as you've seen today, that's not always pleasant.

Because the beginning of a relationship should be about the both of you, not working out who's doing the nursery drop off.

Back off. Give it time. Don't be that person.

Hottbutterscotch · 08/01/2022 18:18

Why would anyone disagree with the tone of the message or call it aggressive? I’ll never understand why people can behave badly towards someone and then police the way in which that person then responds.

An ex friend of mine was sleeping with one of the dads at her child’s school. She’d go to his house whilst his pregnant wife was at work. When the wife found out and slapped her face my friend reported her for assault. So she ruined the woman’s life & then felt the slap was an injustice. Unbelievable.

If you don’t want speaking to ‘aggressively’ then just behave yourself.

GrazingSheep · 08/01/2022 18:18

What has he said about what happened?

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2022 18:19

@mothtoflutter

Ok point taken then, maybe I overstepped the boundaries. I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

No I don't have kids and I'm 24 to whoever is asking.

He's your boyfriend not your partner. You shouldn't be staying when he's got his daughter. And if he can't take her to nursery himself he needs to get someone the daughter knows well (her gran?) to take her.

This is overstepping so many boundaries. Ones you wouldn't necessarily know about, but his ex is quite right. (And probably aggressive because she's worried)

Sn0tnose · 08/01/2022 18:19

If you reply, it should be with an apology.

And then run a million miles because if he’s willing to leave their child in the care of some random stranger he barely knows, he’ll be doing the same if you have a child with him.

JustLyra · 08/01/2022 18:19

@mothtoflutter

Ok point taken then, maybe I overstepped the boundaries. I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

No I don't have kids and I'm 24 to whoever is asking.

Doesn’t matter that he didn’t ask - see it as the red flag it is that he allowed it. You shouldn’t have been there when his child was in the first place, it’s far too soon.

If you didn’t feel comfortable telling his DD that her jeans were backwards how comfortable do you think she’d have been with you?

24 is old enough to see the wrong in that situation and that your reaction was to tell the mother to fuck off shows you are nowhere near mature enough for the situation you are in.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/01/2022 18:19

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he

The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour
Maybe she's been playing up because she was left with a virtual stranger?

and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what
Remember she knows him better than you

Faevern · 08/01/2022 18:20

@mothtoflutter

And no, we will have some wine or whatever but not get drunk and we certainly don't take drugs although we both have in the past but not together.
The thread that keeps on giving.

You’re fuming??

Imagine how the mother of his child must feel?

Or his child, for that matter, after being left with a stranger at 3 year old ffs?

Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2022 18:20

@Hottbutterscotch there is no comparison bw your friend's situation and the OPs.

Locomelon · 08/01/2022 18:21

Yeah you're definitely being U. But, not your fault, I'm sure your intentions were to show your boyfriend you are supportive of his situation but you tried too hard, and you overstepped the mark. A lesson learned.
The child's mother is speaking passionately because that is her child, and you are a total
stranger. I hope you can see her point of view. It's way too early to be introduced let alone getting involved to this extent.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2022 18:21

It's very convenient that he asked you to stay the night before he couldn't dress his child and take her to nursery, because he had to go to work...

CharlotteGoldenblattYork · 08/01/2022 18:21

Overall OP I'd say your boyfriend sounds like a loser

3peassuit · 08/01/2022 18:21

The mother’s message was aggressive and confrontational. It should have been sent to the child’s father rather than the OP. The content of the message is understandable, 2 months in is way too short a time for a new partner to be involved in a child’s life.

00100001 · 08/01/2022 18:22

I'd be questioning why this Man is leaving his 3yo to get dressed with a stranger and allowing his 3yo to be taken to nursery by a stranger...

fernyflax · 08/01/2022 18:22

100% on mums side even if it's badly worded. You are massively overstepping boundaries.

Staryflight445 · 08/01/2022 18:23

You shouldn’t be dressing her or taking her to nursery.
If you can’t understand that you’re probably not mature enough to be involved with this person or his child.

Doomscrolling · 08/01/2022 18:23

The only thing she did wrong was to contact you and not her total butthead of an ex.

I'd have been incandescent with rage. You should never have met her - not for a good 9 months to a year. You certainly shouldn't be staying overnight when he has his daughter. And for the love of god, NO, you do not dress a child you barely know and take her to nursery.

If the respobnses do not have you reassessing what kind of (awful) bloke you are with, they should.

reader12 · 08/01/2022 18:24

Most important thing from your point of view, he doesn’t sound like a good catch. He’s a selfish and lazy dad and he’s using you.

girlmom21 · 08/01/2022 18:24

You need to apologise for overstepping and agree to take a massive step back IMO.

2 months in and you're dressing his daughter?
How would he feel if she had a new boyfriend putting his 3 year olds pants on after 2 months?!

Georgeskitchen · 08/01/2022 18:25

Why did your partner not dress his daughter and drop her off at nursery? Any abuse from the mother should be directed at him, not you. I wouldn't want to continue a relationship with someone whose actions have put you in the line of fire. You dropped her off at nursery. The jeans and wellies could have been put back on incorrectly at the nursery. Jesus christ you didn't exactly throw the child in a river!!

BendicksBittermints4Breakfast · 08/01/2022 18:26

I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her.

Can one assume this also applies to the boyfiends of the mother too, the father will get to meet and approve of them??

MorkandMandy · 08/01/2022 18:27

I mean really he’s the issue, obviously. He should be making these boundaries very clear to you and looking after his own child. Nevertheless, she’s angrily communicating with you because she’s tried to explain this to him before and he didn’t listen. Red flag in itself.

BeckyWithTheGoodHair010101 · 08/01/2022 18:27

@Sn0tnose

If you reply, it should be with an apology.

And then run a million miles because if he’s willing to leave their child in the care of some random stranger he barely knows, he’ll be doing the same if you have a child with him.

This. With bells on. Run for the hills.
girlmom21 · 08/01/2022 18:27

@BendicksBittermints4Breakfast

I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her.

Can one assume this also applies to the boyfiends of the mother too, the father will get to meet and approve of them??

Well that's OP's boyfriends issue and absolutely none of OP's business.
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