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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
Colin7691 · 10/01/2022 09:57

I think the OP is getting a lot of stick on here when it wasn't really her fault. She clearly thought she was being helpful by suggesting she got her ready and took her to nursery, as misguided as that was, I don't think there was any intent for her to cause any trouble.

If she didn't feel comfortable telling the child they had the jeans on the wrong way or the boots on the wrong feet, then clearly she shouldn't have been left alone with her, nor should she have been allowed to take her out. That said, the father should have known that and not allowed it.

As for the mother, I think the message was pretty reasonable, if people think it was aggressive then they must have lived sheltered lives. I've seen messages ex's send to new partners 10 times worse than that, and thats just been cos they were jealous, not because of something like this.

The father is 100% to blame here in my view.

LizzieW1969 · 10/01/2022 10:01

@PooPooPongDelong

Bloody hell the poor OP replied that she now accepts she overstepped the mark about 300 pages back Give the girl a break 🙄
True enough, she did. But a concession is never enough to spare an OP from a kicking on these boards.
Sunset999 · 10/01/2022 12:03

The OP was in the wrong, she should not be taking someone's daughter to nursery or dress them, I think the mother could have reacted a hell of a lot worse.

Colin7691 · 10/01/2022 13:03

@Sunset999

The OP was in the wrong, she should not be taking someone's daughter to nursery or dress them, I think the mother could have reacted a hell of a lot worse.
So not the father for letting her then?
jeaux90 · 10/01/2022 13:13

The father is a card carrying idiot.

Deadringer · 10/01/2022 16:37

The op isn't getting flamed because of her poor judgement with regard to the child's care, she is getting flamed because she is calling the child's mum ridiculous and aggressive because of her perfectly legitimate concerns.

FriendshipsAreHardForMe · 10/01/2022 16:41

She is absolutely right.

You have no business dressing her.

Idhrenniel · 10/01/2022 18:06

YABU, I would feel so uncomfortable with a stranger being around my daughter in such close contact. The ex gf may have phrased her worries harshly, but she has every right to voice them given the situation

worriedatthemoment · 10/01/2022 18:39

@Colin7691 i agree she went with what the boyfriend asked and the mum should be on to him but thats mumsnet for you

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 19:14

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Colin7691 i agree she went with what the boyfriend asked and the mum should be on to him but thats mumsnet for you [/quote]
He didn't ask, OP OFFERED. He normally drops his DD at his mums when he goes to work, OP said she'd sort her out and take her to nursery instead.

He absolutely should have said thanks but no thanks, though.

But then he shouldn't have introduced them so early in the first place.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2022 20:25

[quote worriedatthemoment]@Colin7691 i agree she went with what the boyfriend asked and the mum should be on to him but thats mumsnet for you [/quote]
Eh? That's not what OP says at all:

I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

Weird for her to offer.

Really, really weird for him to say yes.

Least weird behaviour is that of a mum very angry their child has been dressed by a stranger then been dropped at nursery by them which nursery will have flagged up (rightly so) causing a potential safeguarding concern especially when the little girl was dressed in clothing put on incorrectly.

Littlepaws18 · 10/01/2022 22:15

The message could be completely worded better, but you completely over stepped the mark. Two months is far to early to be meeting his daughter let alone dressing her and being there at night. Meeting someone new is a huge deal for that child to digest and accept. It should be done carefully and in small doses. For example first meeting at a park fir an hour (then you go home). This child has had a lot to deal with in her short life. As for her mom, how can she accept you in her daughters life without meeting you especially since her child is only 3 years old!

I'm saying this from both a mothers perspective and a step mother. My current partner met my child when she was four. Their first meeting was at a farm. He went home after, I did all the parenting, we didn't show any public displays of affection.

I am a step mother also. I met their mom first we spoke for two hours about how it was going to work out and it was positive. At first I never stayed over but spent the day with them, slowly over time we integrated more.

You can't play happy families with someone else's child.

Littlepaws18 · 10/01/2022 22:19

You also have a boyfriend issue. He should never have let you take on such roles so early on. The fact that he did just shows his lack of parenting. He should never have put you in such a position.

Littlepaws18 · 10/01/2022 22:22

As for the stress! A stranger dressing her three year old child, taking them alone in the car (I presume) to a relative is absolutely unacceptable. Don't be so naive.

Pikaso · 10/01/2022 22:31

I wouldn’t want some random person dressing my daughter either. And I’d be pretty pissed off if whoever dressed her put her jeans on back to front and shoes on the wrong feet! Jesus.

Apart from that I’d be FURIOUS at my ex if he allowed some woman he barely knew to take my daughter to school! In fact I’d look at stopping contact as he couldn’t be trusted to keep her safe.

YABU

Comedycook · 11/01/2022 07:41

Sometimes we make decisions...the op is fairly young. Sometimes we can be eager to please without thinking through the consequences. I wonder if the op has bought into all the be kind nonsense that's all over social media these days.

Comedycook · 11/01/2022 07:42

*sometimes we make wrong decisions that should read

Littlepaws18 · 11/01/2022 20:49

Sorry op I was appalled at your actions but I didn't take into account your age and your intentions were noble- you just want it all to work out. Step families are a mine field, you really will understand more when and if you decide to have children of your own or you get to know and live this little one.

You made a mistake (well actually your boyfriend made a huge error of judgement by saying it was ok- he has probably more to answer for) but you can fix it. Start over take it slowly, don't be all over your partner when she is around, at first only be around for small chunks of time and build it up. Don't do any of the parenting for a long while! Let that come naturally and when the time is right. And finally build up a acquaintance with his ex. You don't have to be best buds- but when the dust settles on this- and apologise for it meet up and work from there.

I have to admit I do not have a great relationship with his ex, in fact it's terrible! And it makes our family so difficult to manage. If you can try to work it out, your life will run smoother if you do.

And sorry again for being so harsh!

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/01/2022 21:18

OP I feel for you here - it's your DP who should bear the brunt of this.

However, his ex is quite right - regarding how well intentioned, his responsibility to his daughter should not be put on you. He has put you in this situation.

It's not a case of you and DP getting the hump and retaliating to his ex - you need to take a stand here and let HIM know that you will not be put in this position again.

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