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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/01/2022 21:02

@mothtoflutter

Ok point taken then, maybe I overstepped the boundaries. I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

No I don't have kids and I'm 24 to whoever is asking.

I’m afraid there is no ‘maybe’ about it - you have massively overstepped the boundaries. Only 2 months into a relationship is waaaay too early to even be meeting his child, let alone dressing her and taking her to nursery!

I think her mum’s message was completely justified.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 09/01/2022 21:05

YABVU! You have known this guy for two months, far too soon to meet his daughter let alone be in the same house as her. This man is a fool for letting you do all this, he really should be looking after his own daughter. I would be furious too if I were her mum.

Legoninjago1 · 09/01/2022 21:09

Her tone was aggressive but the essence of her message was right. I guess you thought you were helping though and the main culprit here is the child's father. Sounds like a lazy git.

Shoemadlady · 09/01/2022 21:15

Your boyfriend is clearly putting you before his V young daughter after only a crazy short amount of time. You should understand how his ex feels, woman to woman and as a grown up, the fact that he's putting you (someone he's been with 8 weeks) over his daughter should tell you all you need to know about this manchild.

RussiasGreatestLoveMachine · 09/01/2022 21:19

The OP is long gone, so everyone piling in to say the same thing is a bit pointless.

OP, if you are still following, the best thing you can do is take the wind out of her sails. Apologise and then follow through - back off a bit.

And anything you can do to ‘up’ your intuition / emotional read / spidey senses / whatever you want to call it - on your boyfriend, please do.

From where most of us are sitting, he’s not coming across as any sort of a catch (under-statement of the century).

At any age 24 I’d have run an absolute freaking mile from any man with children.

Patapouf · 09/01/2022 21:35

Good grief.
She was more polite than I would have been. What made you think it was appropriate to meet his daughter? Or dress her? Or take her to nursery?

Are you not embarrassed?

Mrstamborineman · 09/01/2022 21:53

Yabu and how did she get your number hmmmm really

Christinatherabbit · 09/01/2022 23:08

@Mrstamborineman

Yabu and how did she get your number hmmmm really
She says it was a message through social media
ScrollingLeaves · 09/01/2022 23:25

Please don’t be upset by all the replies,OP.
Lots of people your age wouldn’t have realised how wrong this was. You did well to ask here though you might well be feeling upset.

People are genuinely concerned for you too with this man.

betwixtlives · 09/01/2022 23:32

if it was your child how would you feel?

Lavender24 · 09/01/2022 23:44

Haven't read the full thread but -

Her tone was certainly unpleasant but as a mother of a girl the same age I'd be very upset at someone else dressing my daughter - whether or not it was someone who had been in her Dad's life two years or two months. I know this is an emotional and not a rational reaction and like I said I think her tone isn't nice but I can see why she'd be upset.

I honestly don't mean this to sound patronising and I'm sure you meant well but I think when I was your age (I'm 31) and didn't have my own kids I would have thought she was overreacting but I understand these types of reactions a lot more now I have my own child.

Also I agree with PPs who say it's too soon for you to meet her.

Lavender24 · 09/01/2022 23:45

@ScrollingLeaves

Please don’t be upset by all the replies,OP. Lots of people your age wouldn’t have realised how wrong this was. You did well to ask here though you might well be feeling upset.

People are genuinely concerned for you too with this man.

Yes I agree with this.

I think this post screams red flags.

daisiesonmydress · 09/01/2022 23:52

Op is 24 and placed in a situation by the partner. She doesn't deserve to be spoken to like that or placed in that position.

Not her DD and not for her to create the boundaries, that's for the partner to do.

Nasty for the mother to seek her out and mark her territory. Her argument was with the ex.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/01/2022 00:14

The little girl’s mother had tried to tell her father: “I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her.”

She was extremely upset (for good reason) and wrote to OP because he had evidently not listened.

I do understand though that OP wouldn’t have realised at her age that she being anything other than helpful especially as he encouraged all this.

He is the problem for all concerned imo.

CelestiaNoctis · 10/01/2022 00:21

Wtf who do you think you are. You've been with him 2 months. She's not your kid. Stay way out of it. Definitely would not want a STRANGER who's only known the father of my child dressing and being responsible for my child. That's insane. She's right. You're being massively disrespectful and overstepping. You shouldn't have even met her yet, let alone dressing her!!!

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 10/01/2022 08:44

@CelestiaNoctis

Wtf who do you think you are. You've been with him 2 months. She's not your kid. Stay way out of it. Definitely would not want a STRANGER who's only known the father of my child dressing and being responsible for my child. That's insane. She's right. You're being massively disrespectful and overstepping. You shouldn't have even met her yet, let alone dressing her!!!
So what is her alternative if the feckless, useless, selfish father is off to work? Yes, she'd daft to allow herself to be a free babysitter/child minder, but at least she cared! Your anger should be directed at her BF
00100001 · 10/01/2022 08:45

@CelestiaNoctis

Wtf who do you think you are. You've been with him 2 months. She's not your kid. Stay way out of it. Definitely would not want a STRANGER who's only known the father of my child dressing and being responsible for my child. That's insane. She's right. You're being massively disrespectful and overstepping. You shouldn't have even met her yet, let alone dressing her!!!
So...blame the father who left his kid with a stranger.
Hemingwayscatz · 10/01/2022 08:50

She’s right though, isn’t she? It’s far too soon to meet his child, two months is no time at all. You certainly shouldn’t be dressing her (incorrectly) and driving her to nursery.

00100001 · 10/01/2022 08:52

@Hemingwayscatz

She’s right though, isn’t she? It’s far too soon to meet his child, two months is no time at all. You certainly shouldn’t be dressing her (incorrectly) and driving her to nursery.
Yes. But this is ALL THE FATHER'S FAULT.
MsDogLady · 10/01/2022 09:01

His Ex has the measure of your BF. She has had plenty of experience with his reckless,
self-serving, irresponsible behavior. It certainly sounds like substance abuse has featured in his choices.

He has an agenda to use you as a child-care option. He is also using you and his DD as weapons to goad his Ex. He lied when he pretended to not understand the stress and chaos caused by his/your actions. He was well aware of Ex’s boundaries and of the drama triangle he was setting up when he let you stay over and take on parental responsibilities after a mere 2 months. He totally understands the shit-show he ignited when you, an unauthorized stranger, showed up at nursery with DD in backwards clothes/shoes, alarming the school authorities and Ex.

Because DD’s psychological well-being is of primary importance, Ex has set reasonable boundaries regarding her exposure to new romantic interests. Her requests are aligned with those of child development specialists who advocate waiting a minimum 9-12 months before introductions, and then proceeding with limited exposure. It is very important that this young child does not feel anxious or confused about how she fits into each parent’s life.

Meeting DD after 1 month was reckless. I am wondering what the setting was when this occurred. I wonder what ‘happy family’ activities you participated in during both encounters. I assume that you, BF, and DD ate at least 1 meal together during your sleep-over, and that you ‘helped’ her with other activities in addition to the appallingly inappropriate dressing/driving/drop off at nursery. Her Dad really let her down by including you much too early and allowing you to parent her. He also sabotaged his co-parenting relationship with her Mum by devaluing and riding roughshod over her boundaries. I too would be livid.

You have shown great naivety and poor judgment. This man is using you in several ways. You are a pawn in his game. In a few short weeks, he has manipulated you to believe you hold the significant ‘’Partner’ position in his life, yet his Mother has never even heard of you. My advice is to walk away from this train wreck with this Loser. If you choose to stay, reach out to Ex with respect and cease all interaction with DD for the time being.

KurtWilde · 10/01/2022 09:10

Lots of people your age wouldn’t have realised how wrong this was.

What a patronising comment. OP is 24 not 12. Common sense isn't something that only arrives when you become a parent.

OP and her boyfriend were playing happy families and she blithely went along with it with zero regard for the child, or the repercussions of the rest of the child's day when nursery contacted mum with safeguarding issues. That's standard policy at our nursery when a stranger brings a child in and there's been no prior warning.

Of course the boyfriend is to blame as he's the little girls dad, (and it sounds like the ex had a go at him too), but let's not pretend OP was coerced into it, she said she OFFERED.

Comedycook · 10/01/2022 09:15

24 is quite young...I think maybe at that age, particularly before you've had your own kids,you might not realise how wrong this is. You might also be trying to impress the man and prove what a lovely long term prospect you are. As you get older you usually become more confident in telling men like this to get stuffed! I think the dad in this situation is the one in the wrong. The op seems to mean well but is just misguided.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 10/01/2022 09:23

I don't think OP is coming back but I hope she has taken these comments on board. Massively inappropriate to be meeting your boyfriend's child so soon, 2 months is not a serious relationship. The father is a shit parent for allowing this and clearly couldn't care less about his daughter's wellbeing. At 24 years old you do not need this hassle OP. Your boyfriend is not a good parent.

PooPooPongDelong · 10/01/2022 09:31

Bloody hell the poor OP replied that she now accepts she overstepped the mark about 300 pages back
Give the girl a break 🙄

EerieSilence · 10/01/2022 09:45

It's too early, 2 months - definitely.
If he can't see how inappropriate it is, it says something about his maturity too - or the very serious lack of it.
While the message was certainly insulting and inappropriate in a tone, it's your age and probably general inexperience with children that you can't see how a mother can go ballistic when she finds out a stranger dressed her child and brought her to nursery.
For now, you need to stay out of it, let your boyfriend handle the things and just consider if he is mature enough for a serious relationship. Unless you are after a short-term shag, that's OK but I'm not sure I would want to have any children with someone like that.