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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
BatshitBanshee · 09/01/2022 15:01

Eh, she's not aggressive, she's laying down boundaries for her child. You shouldn't be dressing her, you shouldn't be taking her to nursery and you shouldn't be meeting her that soon.

Congratulations, your new man-friend has suckered you into doing his parenting so he doesn't have to.

I would go apeshit if someone I hadn't even met and had only just been with my ex for a couple weeks was dressing my daughter. You're getting off lightly, apologise to her and dump the BF.

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 15:52

@aprilsattic

I'd reply "I'm so sorry. I completely overstepped, and I will back off from now on. In future however, I think it's best that you speak to ex directly rather than contact me in this way. "
I'd just block her. The mother should be talking with the father not the op. She was doing the father a favour and doesn't deserve to be spoken to so rudely.
madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 15:53

she's not aggressive, she's laying down boundaries for her child.

She's entitled to lay dien boundaries bit her language is very aggressive. Take it out on the father not on the op who was doing the father a favour.

maddy68 · 09/01/2022 16:05

I agree with her.
I would go mad if a stranger was dressing my child !

Killthewinewitchnow · 09/01/2022 16:10

Child’s mother is NBU. Your partner is. Far too soon for you to be playing stepmom and I’d be pissed off too.

Echobelly · 09/01/2022 16:14

@00100001 - Yes, I'd feel differently if it were a man. But it this case it was a woman.

whirlycarly · 09/01/2022 16:18

Two months is nothing. Dp didn't meet mine for about 6 months, and then incredibly gradually.

I work with a chap who's constantly in a similar situation- new gf has a 3 year old, he's already massively involved. I've known him 4 years and this is the third such relationship. I obviously keep my mouth shut but feel for all those confused little kids he leaves in his wake. Sad

ProcrastinationIsMySuperPower · 09/01/2022 16:18

OP - I've been on the flipside of this situation, when I found out that my ExH new partner (who I had never met) had got in the shower with my toddler daughter. I was also accused of overreacting (indeed, the words ridiculous and aggressive may have been used to describe my reaction). You have to understand that it's way too soon for you to have any involvement in that child's life. She's just trying to safeguard her child, she's totally reasonable in that.

Aubree17 · 09/01/2022 18:26

"I'd just block her. The mother should be talking with the father not the op. She was doing the father a favour and doesn't deserve to be spoken to so rudely"

What happens if the relationship does work out? Ignoring her and blocking her now isn't going to put down a solid foundation for the future.

The vast majority of people agree the mum was right to be upset. Therefore an apology is surely the best thing to have any chance of a positive relationship in the future.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 09/01/2022 18:53

You have been dating 2 months and not only met his daughter but are dressing her? Who and your partner are unreasonable and if I was his ex I would be equally upset.

JennieLee · 09/01/2022 18:58

I think the term safeguarding is typically used in situations that involve the likelihood of abuse, exposing a child to some form of physical risk and/or emotional damage - or of attempting some kind of inappropriate physical intimacy

In fact, the OP, seems to have had some sense of boundaries when not attempting to undress/re-dress the child.

I think when a relationship ends it's unlikely that both partners will remain celibate forever. In fact celibacy isn't great for most people. Nor is it great for children to believe - as some do - that their parents will get back together. Sooner or later both the mother and Dad will meet new people. In these case the main thing is that the new people treat the children kindly.

I think the OP has done that, and while it's understandable that the mother feels taken aback by the arrival of someone new on the scene, that firing off hostile messages isn't the cleverest move.

Duchess379 · 09/01/2022 19:23

I think boyfriend/dad is taking the piss, tbf. He's fed up with the responsibility so he's got himself someone to do parent duty whilst he's at work. Wrong on so many levels. I'd distance myself & certainly not volunteer for anymore chores involving the 3yr old.

fernyflax · 09/01/2022 19:35

@JennieLee the term 'safeguarding' is 100% accurate for this situation. All educational and healthcare settings have strict safeguarding policies to abide by so will have alerted the parents. It's not just about 'likelihood of abuse' but neglect also. The OP may well be harmless, kind and well meaning but not everyone is. This is a safeguarding flag. A father has palmed his very young child off on a stranger because he can't be bothered to take care of her, that is neglectful. Of course split parents are allowed to move on, that's not what this post is about.

CMZ2018 · 09/01/2022 19:59

She’s right

Muthalucka · 09/01/2022 20:04

It all seems really messy. Your 24 is this really what you want?

JennieLee · 09/01/2022 20:10

I think there's a lot we don't know. I'd agree that the questions are more about the behaviour of the father.

On the other hand my partner was self-employed. He aimed not to take on work that would interfere with picking up the kids on his days. but the hours were unpredictable. A few months into our living together something important aoverran. He had three choices.

  1. Tell his ex and ask her to help. His concern was that if he told her that he couldn't pick up the children, not only would it create practical difficulties for her but it could easily lead to a situation where he was accused of being unreliable, the cancellation of further contact etc.

  2. Tell people at work that he had to go. It would have been possible - but would have involved about ten people reorganising diaries and also delays and frustration for vulnerable clients.

  3. Ask me whether I'd pick up the children, who knew me well at this point

He opted for 3) It was at a time when safeguarding protocols were probably only just being developed. So I pitched up at the afterschool club in all innocence and the manager was initially doubtful. She ended up asking the kids who they thought was picking them up. And they said something like 'Dad - or if not then it would be Jennie Lee' And off we all trotted and lived happily ever after.

There are also occasions when maternal anger after a relationship has come to an end makes children feel unsafe. They're really worried about what to say to their mother, and even quite innocent stuff like 'Oh we had a nice time at the theme park and Jennie Lee bought us all ice cream' can trigger angry phone calls, shouting etc I absolutely get that most parents do try and make it work after separation, but emotions do run very high and good judgement isn't always used.

flowersinherhairinjune · 09/01/2022 20:27

@JennieLee

I think there's a lot we don't know. I'd agree that the questions are more about the behaviour of the father.

On the other hand my partner was self-employed. He aimed not to take on work that would interfere with picking up the kids on his days. but the hours were unpredictable. A few months into our living together something important aoverran. He had three choices.

  1. Tell his ex and ask her to help. His concern was that if he told her that he couldn't pick up the children, not only would it create practical difficulties for her but it could easily lead to a situation where he was accused of being unreliable, the cancellation of further contact etc.

  2. Tell people at work that he had to go. It would have been possible - but would have involved about ten people reorganising diaries and also delays and frustration for vulnerable clients.

  3. Ask me whether I'd pick up the children, who knew me well at this point

He opted for 3) It was at a time when safeguarding protocols were probably only just being developed. So I pitched up at the afterschool club in all innocence and the manager was initially doubtful. She ended up asking the kids who they thought was picking them up. And they said something like 'Dad - or if not then it would be Jennie Lee' And off we all trotted and lived happily ever after.

There are also occasions when maternal anger after a relationship has come to an end makes children feel unsafe. They're really worried about what to say to their mother, and even quite innocent stuff like 'Oh we had a nice time at the theme park and Jennie Lee bought us all ice cream' can trigger angry phone calls, shouting etc I absolutely get that most parents do try and make it work after separation, but emotions do run very high and good judgement isn't always used.

You were living together so presumably the children were introduced to you well before that and you had spent time getting to know them before moving in? There's a big difference in these two scenarios.
KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 20:28

@JennieLee that scenario is nothing like what happened here.

JennieLee · 09/01/2022 20:49

I think there are echoes for me. No more than that.

I recall being described as 'the first of a string of unsuitable girlfriends.' A threat that if I picked up the kids from school, contact would be cancelled. A demand hat I was never to look after either one or both of them unsupervised - her ex was to be there all times.

And I did meet the kids really early on in our relationship. Maybe our fourth date was a day out with them.

Pumperthepumper · 09/01/2022 20:55

@JennieLee

I think there are echoes for me. No more than that.

I recall being described as 'the first of a string of unsuitable girlfriends.' A threat that if I picked up the kids from school, contact would be cancelled. A demand hat I was never to look after either one or both of them unsupervised - her ex was to be there all times.

And I did meet the kids really early on in our relationship. Maybe our fourth date was a day out with them.

Why so soon?
youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2022 20:57

@JennieLee

You didn't visit, stay over then dress and take your step daughter to nursery solo when you'd been dating her dad for eight weeks though did you? It's a completely different situation.

Bluebluemoon · 09/01/2022 20:57

I'd just block her. The mother should be talking with the father not the op. She was doing the father a favour and doesn't deserve to be spoken to so rudely.

I suspect she's appealing to the gf as she knows she'll get nowhere with her ex. Agree the tone was a bit aggressive but I don't blame her for being livid.

What kind of person allows someone who they've been with for a matter of minutes get up with, dress etc and take their child to school?

One that obviously wants a replacement mother for his child to do all the crap he can't be arsed doing that's who.

Think about it from the mother's point of view - the OP could be anyone - if you left your child with a childminder/playgroup they will have been CRB checked, gone through interviews etc. OP is just a random stranger to the mum and also to the dd.

Run for the hills OP.

lovescaca · 09/01/2022 20:59

I wouldn't be happy with a stranger dressing and taking my child to nursery. I would go crazy with him tho!

Andy2555 · 09/01/2022 21:00

@Muthalucka

It all seems really messy. Your 24 is this really what you want?
I have to agree, op you might have bit off more than you can chew with this bloke
lovescaca · 09/01/2022 21:00

I also wouldn't have offered in your position either tho, seems a bit too keen to be involved and wanting it more serious than the relationship is

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