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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/01/2022 10:30

This poor child. Why is a three year old being able to dress herself and allowed out with her shoes on the wrong feet and clothes on back to front. And drinking and drugs? I fully understand the mothers upset.

The father should be caring for his kid, not leaving her to some random and not dressing her etc. what a mess.

KurtWilde · 09/01/2022 10:47

@aprilsattic

I'd reply "I'm so sorry. I completely overstepped, and I will back off from now on. In future however, I think it's best that you speak to ex directly rather than contact me in this way. "
We don't know that she hasn't spoken to her ex! I know I would, and it's highly likely she has too.

Of course the boyfriend is at fault as he should've kept his dick in his pants for the night and parented his little girl, but OP isn't blameless. Sounds to me like it was a fun go at playing mummy for the morning without considering the consequences.

ChristmasFluff · 09/01/2022 12:16

OP, by intorducing you to his DD so soon, he's made it plain he's not looking for a partner, he's interviewing for a nanny with added sexy time.

Looks like you passed the interview and have the job, btw.

If you have any sense, you'll resign - but 100 per cent you won't, because you will have fallen for his bullshit.

liveforsummer · 09/01/2022 12:24

Wow she sounded aggressive but it's no surprise. I'd be furious too. You don't meet a child after being together a couple of weeks and you certainly don't then take on parenting duties such as preparing and dropping at nursery. Is there something in what she said about him taking drugs or being a heavy drinker?

liveforsummer · 09/01/2022 12:40

The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour

Nursery probably questioned why dd had arrived incorrectly dressed and dropped by a stranger. That's the sort of thing that rings alarms bells to staff

TeaStory · 09/01/2022 12:42

I wish posters would stop saying “the ex needs to talk to the boyfriend”. She did! It’s right there in the OP!

Two adults (OP and boyfriend) made a bad judgement call which has caused stress to the ex, and she addressed it with both.

liveforsummer · 09/01/2022 12:44

Two adults (OP and boyfriend) made a bad judgement call which has caused stress to the ex, and she addressed it with both.

Probably not the first time she's had to raise it with her ex either

fernyflax · 09/01/2022 12:51

Yes it is a safeguarding issue to have a stranger turn up with a very young child to a nursery setting. The nursery probably have flagged this with the mother which has caused a lot of stress for her. I presume the mother also knows of you and your history with drug taking hence the comments about it. I think you need to just apologise for over stepping and take a very large step back. Dad needs to do his own parenting.

HopeYourHighHorseBucks · 09/01/2022 13:00

"This woman" is also the mother of the child you helped take care of. I would not be happy with this, i doubt I would message the new girlfriend (2 months of dates is not enough to be meeting the children imo) but I'm guessing she's fed up of her exDPs shit and knows he won't tell his new GF, so she's cut the middle man. There's a reason she's assuming all these things so I wouldn't palm her off as crazy just yet, you know the side of him he's showing you.

Trust me I know ex partners can be hard work, especially when kids are involved but I don't think she's wrong at all.

PartyPrawnRingGames · 09/01/2022 13:06

OP I would blame your partner for putting you in the position of getting this message and to be honest it would make me rethink the relationship do you want the drama? He and his ex are clearly not on the same page about things and you have already got caught in the middle. Honestly is he worth it?

cruzrack · 09/01/2022 13:07

I think YOU'RE ridiculous OP, not the "woman" Biscuit I'm angry on behalf of the mother. This is awful. I wouldn't let you near my child in this position. How sad for the little girl. And what an awful father.

zingally · 09/01/2022 13:11

Sorry, but I completely agree with the message.

You've been with this guy 8 weeks, and met his daughter... what? 5 weeks in, and am now dressing her?! He should be doing that himself!!

I'd be fuming if I was her mother as well, that some random woman is doing intimate care (which is what dressing is) with my child.

The fact that she "took to you" is irrelevant. 3 year olds DO take to anyone 9 times out of 10. You need to back right off for a long looooong time.

Tevion28 · 09/01/2022 13:34

Just apologise op it will calm things down and she will have a better opinion of you.
I know you just tried to help bad judgment don't worry about it now.

Flutterflybutterby · 09/01/2022 13:40

😲 You have been with him a mere two months and you met his daughter a few weeks ago??? So, he introduced you to his daughter after barely a month of dating, maybe less? And now you're dressing her??!!! He is being an AWFUL parent and I'm shocked you don't understand ehy this is not okay??? So inappropriate of both of you! I'd be ceasing contact between my child and her dad if I were the child's mother, until I was reassured that a woman he had been with a mere few weeks would not be dressing my child?! Sorry but this is really bad, and not of the mum!

Mellowyellow222 · 09/01/2022 13:53

I used to occasionally drop my niece to nursery. I was on the list of adults allowed to collect her from nursery but they always asked who I was when I turned up (it wasn’t very often so they probably didn’t recognise me).

I hope the nursery noted a stranger dropping a bedraggled child to nursery and registered it with the mother and father - to ask what is going on, has there been an emergency at home, what has changed etc.

I would imagine w that was stressful for the mother and the parents had words.

Imagine if your boyfriend was contacted to say a stranger dropped his child to nursery this morning and she wasn’t properly dressed. I am sure he would be stressed out. He will pretend to you he would be relaxed but that is either bullshit or he is a crap dad.

WonderfulYou · 09/01/2022 13:58

I don’t think this is a real thread.

Mellowyellow222 · 09/01/2022 13:59

The mum knows about this because the nursery contacted her. That is an important point to rememeber

hardboiledeggs · 09/01/2022 14:21

You shouldn’t be involved at this stage at all, never mind dressing her. Wtf are you and your BF thinking

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 14:29

Comments here will favour a mother’s POV of course so no surprise. I’d be less outraged than most but still a little uncomfortable. But I don’t think it’s crime of the century for a girlfriend to help out with the kids.

DontBlameMe79 · 09/01/2022 14:30

@WonderfulYou

I don’t think this is a real thread.
And also o agree this is a calculated windup
LadyMonicaBaddingham · 09/01/2022 14:33

I'm wondering how the mum got your number to message you, OP... Or are you overstepping again and assuming that messages for your partner my arse new boyfriend are for you? You should already be over the hills and far away because you are basically his free childcare with benefits and his ex has every right to be absolutely furious with both of you.

driftcompatible · 09/01/2022 14:37

YABU.

You should NOT be dressing this child or be involved this early on. BACK OFF.

'DP' - it's been two months Hmm

newnamenewyear · 09/01/2022 14:37

@LadyMonicaBaddingham

I'm wondering how the mum got your number to message you, OP... Or are you overstepping again and assuming that messages for your partner my arse new boyfriend are for you? You should already be over the hills and far away because you are basically his free childcare with benefits and his ex has every right to be absolutely furious with both of you.
She already explained she contacted her via Facebook I think.
RoseGoldEagle · 09/01/2022 14:55

OP I get at 24 and without kids of your own it might not be as clear to you- but honestly it’s completely inappropriate for you to be meeting his 3 year old after just 2 months- though that is really more on your boyfriend than you. The poor little girl has already had her parents split up, he needs to be only introducing her to people he’s genuinely serious about, it’s just so disruptive for her otherwise. (And maybe you’ll get there- but 2 months is way too early to know if you’ll last). Her Mum worded it rudely, but I’d be absolutely furious about it too.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/01/2022 14:59

@liveforsummer

The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour

Nursery probably questioned why dd had arrived incorrectly dressed and dropped by a stranger. That's the sort of thing that rings alarms bells to staff

Can you understand this OP?