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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 23:24

Op has overstepped.. BUT ultimately, her boyfriend lacks boundaries and the ability to prioritise his daughter.
Sounds depressing to me.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 23:34

I didn't even read the message because this is so irresponsible of him and means he's frankly a crap dad.

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

Utterly ridiculous.

Ask your partner how he would feel if his ex had been seeing a man for 8 weeks and he took her to nursery one morning. If he says it would be fine he's a crap, irresponsible dad because it isn't fine. If he says it wouldn't be fine he's a crap, irresponsible dad and a massive hypocrite.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 23:36

Have read her message now. She's completely right in what she says. You and your brand new boyfriend are irresponsible and selfish. She's been a lot nicer than many parents would be considering.

HailAdrian · 08/01/2022 23:38

Child's mum and crappy parenting aside, I've been with bf for several years and only in the past couple of weeks have I babysat for a short period. It's a chore looking after other people's kids and not something you regularly want to be roped into..

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 23:54

I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what.

Oh and OP this would make me think he has very recent form for taking drugs. You say you've both done them but were you under the impression he's stopped?

Babyfg · 08/01/2022 23:54

You volunteered to dress (so I assume the child was at least semi naked) a three year old child you meet once and volunteered to take her to nursery so be left alone with her. I assume mum knows because nursery told her (so they were concerned enough to flag it).

You could easily be grooming that child. Imagine that was a man doing that, you'd be labelled a perv or worse.

This has actually made my skin crawl that the father ( who is also responsible but I get the impression the mum is blue in the face trying to reason with him) would put his baby in such a vulnerable position. I think the mums message is quite calm considering.

VelvetChairGirl · 08/01/2022 23:59

@mothtoflutter

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

I cant believe that you are so myopic to be asking about this on a forum, have a think why dont you. YABU
Colleen92 · 09/01/2022 00:04

Sorry OP, I understand why you feel offended by the message but I agree that you shouldn't be taking her child to nursery or changing her clothes etc. I would be beyond fuming too if I were her. 8 weeks is nothing and she has no idea who you are or what you are like.

Also not appropriate for a child that age to see a random woman in daddy's bed/house over night/etc. Presumably you aren't the first and possibly won't be the last - He should have more sense.

The child is far too young to understand or articulate her worries and feelings. Be considerate of her even if you can't be considerate to her mother. I would absolutely refuse to allow my child to go back to her father's care after finding that out and would take legal advice about my rights to refuse a random woman I've never met changing my 3 year old or driving her anywhere without my knowledge and consent.

She can't stop her seeing her dad or staying overnight with him but she can certainly make things very difficult for you and for him.

I think you need to grow up and rethink your reaction. It's not about you.

Either way, I seriously wouldn't send a fuck off message to her, it confirms her opinion of you and will make things very difficult if the relationship progresses and lasts longterm.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 09/01/2022 00:43

Until you have a child of your own I don't think you'll ever understand how the mother of this very young child feels.

Put yourself in the mothers shoes. Would you be happy that the most precious person in your life is being dropped off at nursery by someone you haven't met and your ex has only known for 8 weeks? (Did you have the child in your car? Was the child seat fitted correctly?)

The mother should have vented her anger at her ex not you but in all honesty you do need to know that it's completely unacceptable for you to be doing nursery runs for a child you barely know - and more importantly, who barely knows you. A good father wouldn't have even entertained any of this happening.

Why would you want to be involved with a man who doesn't care how his young child will be impacted by a random woman looking after her? Why would you stay over with a young child in the house that doesn't know you? Why would you get involved with a young child when you have only known the dad for 8 weeks? This man should be spending his contact time with his daughter, not you. It's not good OP. You're very young so I assume that's why you don't get it.

You need to know that your boyfriend is showing you some very poor parenting skills. Personally I'd knock this one on the head and find someone more responsible.

TheGrinchsDog · 09/01/2022 01:43

Staggered at the OP, sighing at the god awfulness of the portrait of the shitty father who clearly cares more for getting laid than caring for his 3yos welfare.

But you want to tell the mum to fuck off for that message? No thought about the rest.

No thought as to how strange and unsettling/ upsetting it will be for a 3yo regardless of how well you think she took to you? No thought about how inappropriate all of this is?

It's got to be a wind up right?

SquidGin · 09/01/2022 01:55

I’m a stepmom, I met his daughter around 6 months into our relationship! Her Mom was a bit difficult at the start but I understood and agreed with most of he requests!

5 years in I have the most amazing relationship with my DSD I adore her and her Mom tells me how much my DSD adores me! Last Mother’s Day my DSD gave me a card and present which her DM helped her with!

I am also now very good friends with her DM and have huge respect for her!

From your first post you are massively overstepping boundaries you could say it’s your partners fault for allowing you, personally I think you should know why what you have done is out of order yourself! Take a step back and think about your actions.

BluebellsareBlue · 09/01/2022 02:33

You are very unreasonable! I'd be furious if that was my child!

Ciaram55 · 09/01/2022 02:45

I'd be furious. I don't understand why you're so shocked and indignant. Most mother's would be the same.

ghostmouse · 09/01/2022 03:12

I think your boyfriend unfairly put you in that position and left you to deal with the shit.

2 months is rather early to be taking a child you’ve only just met to nursery. It’s made you and the child vulnerable. Do yourself a favour and protect yourself and the kid and don’t get involved so quickly.

Your boyfriend should be taking his kid to nursery at this stage. How did he manage before you were on the scene?

madisonbridges · 09/01/2022 03:23

I think it's too early for you to be so involved with his child.
The child's father is not obliged to introduce his gf to his ex before introducing the child. The ex has the right to introduce his child to people without getting the mothers permission. And vice versa.
The mother should be communicating with the father not with you. Your partner should not ghave given his ex your phone number.

BritWifeInUSA · 09/01/2022 03:32

He’s not a partner. He’s (at must) a boyfriend. Way too early to be getting so involved with his child. What the mother said could have been said better, but the gist of it was spot on.

BritWifeInUSA · 09/01/2022 03:36

I took her as my partner had work.

Who dressed her and took her before you hooked up with her father? What’s changed since you came into the scene? You’re not a partner or a girlfriend. You’re the babysitter that he’s shagging.

Katieandthekids · 09/01/2022 07:17

The text is far too aggressive but I totally agree with the sentiment I am afraid.

welliesarefuntowear · 09/01/2022 08:18

This guy has put you in a terrible position. I think you are being very naive. Take a big step back from doing this again OP. It was absolutely wrong of him to allow this situation to occur at al, If the mum had allowed her boyfriend of two months to do the same I suspect she would have had social services involvement. Tread very carefully.

thelegohooverer · 09/01/2022 08:28

I don’t think she should have text you - it’s the father that’s at fault here. And he is very much at fault.

Before having dc myself I wouldn’t have seen it so clearly (and probably thought that he had a lucky escape from his crazy harpie exw going by that message).

But as a dm it’s a very different view. Poor judgement as a df, poor judgement as a partner.

When you see so little of your dc, you’d want to spend as much quality time with them as you can. Not foist them off on a new partner, or even spend time with that partner on your contact day. But men know that having a small dc gives them pulling power.

You sound like a lovely and genuine person and I hope you are able to take on board what we can see, and find a partner who is really worthy of your kindness and generosity.

UnsuitableHat · 09/01/2022 08:29

I think the message is out of order and nasty. If she has a problem - which may be understandable - she needs to deal with it through your partner. I’d ignore her, certainly for now.

lljkk · 09/01/2022 08:42

MN Vipers at their worst

Itsketotime · 09/01/2022 10:26

@lljkk

MN Vipers at their worst
@lljkk would you be happy if a stranger dressed your child and drive them to nursery?
aprilsattic · 09/01/2022 10:27

I'd reply "I'm so sorry. I completely overstepped, and I will back off from now on. In future however, I think it's best that you speak to ex directly rather than contact me in this way. "

Porcupineintherough · 09/01/2022 10:30

@Itsketotime if I'd chosen to reproduce with an idiot I think Id be grateful that his new dupe was at least kind, if misguided.