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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this woman is ridiculous and aggressive?

594 replies

mothtoflutter · 08/01/2022 17:49

Been with my partner 2 months now, met his daughter a few weeks ago - daughter is 3 - it went well and she really took to me.

She stayed at her dads on Thursday night, and I got her ready for nursery in the morning and dropped her off. I received this message last night - I haven't responded as off yet as don't want to say something I might regret but I am fuming. It is such a nasty message and AIBU to think it is unnecessarily aggressive? WIBU to just reply 'fuck off' (only slightly joking Wink)

I heard you dressed my daughter this morning. You put her jeans on back to front and wellies on the wrong feet, had her looking like a right scruff. I don't care what goes on between you and D, I really don't and has nothing to do with that but I have told D, and maybe he's not passed it on, I do not want you or any girl that he's shagging around daughter until it's serious and I've met her. I certainly don't want a random girl dressing my daughter, especially if she can't manage it properly. The shit and stress that has been caused today because of D's behaviour, and I'm assuming that's because he was up the night with you drinking or taking God knows what. Have a bit of respect, go see D once daughter is in her bed and leave before she's up, it's not hard. I text his mum and her response was who is mothtoflutter!? So it can't be serious if you've not even been mentioned. So for now, please don't come around my daughter. Thank you.

Just an FYI I have no idea about the stress that my partner has caused that she speaks of and neither does he.

OP posts:
workingtheusername · 08/01/2022 21:42

I don't think you did anything wrong. It's between your bf and ex to sort child arrangements and boundaries out. And she sould have contacted him about it. I'd tell him and stay out of it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 08/01/2022 21:42

Listen, I’ve been that step mum. You do these things because it feels like the right thing to do, you’re doing your boyfriend a favour and want the kid to like you and feel comfortable with you.

But - don’t. It’s far too early for him to have introduced you. It’s far too early for you to be doing favours like this - watching the child while he nips go the corner shop is fine. Doing what he as a parent should be doing is not.

The mother was aggressive and rude but tbh I can see where she’s coming from. Two months in you’re barely a girlfriend let alone a ‘partner’, and honestly, at 24 it feels like he’s already grooming you to be the dogsbody. You just don’t know it yet because you’re in the honeymoon period.

I could be wrong, of course. But even if I am, I would urge you to take a large step back, don’t allow him to use his contact time with his child to be your time together, and DO NOT feel like stepping in is the right thing to do.

Please don’t take this as a slight against you - it’s really not - just trust me that many young women feel exactly the same as you re children belonging to boyfriends, and it isn’t until you’re ten years down the line with your own kids you realised you should have played it differently.

mlj123 · 08/01/2022 22:02

Sometimes my ds 6 puts his clothes on the wrong way and I don't want to correct it because he has tried his best so I understand this, but I also think ( even though your intentions seem good) it is way too soon to even meet his dd, let alone take her to nursery on your own. I'm not surprised her mum is fuming, however she's taking it out on the wrong person she should b fuming with ur dp for even thinking it's ok to have his gf of only 2 month meet ( never mind dress and take his dc to nursery).

Andy2555 · 08/01/2022 22:05

@lollipoprainbow

Terrible that you can't help a child get dressed without the implication being that you are some sort of paedophile. Mumsnet is so hysterical sometimes.
Well said lollipop
TheCreamCaker · 08/01/2022 22:09

I think the kid's mother has every right to be annoyed. Your bloke should have been getting his child ready for nursery and taking her there, not you.

Bortles · 08/01/2022 22:17

Agree witht the mother however, she should be bringing it up with him not you. Should be polite and detached with you. But maybe he is such an arse she cant communicate properly with him.

LittleGwyneth · 08/01/2022 22:18

There's no excuse for her to speak to you like that, and she should be communicating with him directly. Jeans on backwards is hardly the end of the world, and it seems unlikely she did an entire day at nursery with her wellies on the wrong feet.

It's very soon for you to be involved in childcare, but ultimately it's her dad's choice who he has around his child and the mum doesn't have any actual control over it. I think you sound perfectly nice, and like you're trying to do the right thing. I imagine if she'd been more polite to you - or run her messages past your boyfriend rather than to you - it would have gone much better.

Tevion28 · 08/01/2022 22:22

Dad may not have form for allowing this we don't know him but you have him.labelled as a twat.

bjjgirl · 08/01/2022 22:35

I have no idea why everyone on here is giving you such a hard time, you have done nothing wrong. Your dp probably should have dressed his daughter and waited a while before introducing you and longer before allowing you to play a role in her life/

The text was ridiculous and too aggressive, she sounds awful.

Fwiw, I have put my daughters wellies on the wrong feet before now, it's easily done. However, it's a huge step meeting a child and it is quite soon, but it is not your mistake

Aubree17 · 08/01/2022 22:40

Ok you need to tread carefully here.

The ex obviously has a lot of unresolved emotion with your partner and isn't ready for someone else to be part of her daughters life.
I would also be upset if someone I didn't know of dropped my children at nursery.

Her text was nasty, but please do not retaliate.

I would send a reply that simply said your really sorry and that in the foreseeable future you will only see DP when his daughter is with his mum or in bed.

Give her what she wants. Then she has no further grounds to send you nasty texts.

Handle this wrongly and the child and her relationship with her dad will suffer.

At some point in the future you can meet with her as she has requested before being invoked in her daughters life. I don't necessarily agree she has the right to dictate this but it will be easier for an easy life.

I think your in for a rough ride so the best I can advise is take things very very slowly.

HailAdrian · 08/01/2022 22:45

I don't disagree with the kid's mum but she can't really insist that she meets her ex's girlfriends before they spend time with the kid.

SD1978 · 08/01/2022 22:58

The message was unnecessarily aggressive, the sentiment reasonable. You should not be dressing and organising his child to get to nursery when your known him 2 months- that's ridiculous. She doesn't have the 'right' to meet you, but obviously she's not impressed that his girlfriend (most people would still class is as only dating free 2 months) is jumping in to parent. I'd be pretty pissed at that too. How many other women have been introduced to her? He's clearly happy to be selfish and introduce women with no real relationship established.

Suzanne999 · 08/01/2022 22:58

@mothtoflutter

Ok point taken then, maybe I overstepped the boundaries. I was just doing him a favour as he usually drops his daughter off at his mums and I'd stayed the night before so it just made more sense - I offered, he didn't ask.

No I don't have kids and I'm 24 to whoever is asking.

I think he’s taking advantage of you to a point. You’re young, not a mum and so can’t be expected to really understand the boundaries. No, you shouldn’t have been dressing his daughter or taking her to nursery because that’s his job. I can totally understand the child’s mother being angry. She has no idea who you are or how responsible you are. Your bf is the problem his child, his responsibility. Not yours.
Christinatherabbit · 08/01/2022 22:59

@Ozanj

I would be horrified if someone my child’s dad was only dating for 2 mths started to dress my dc. I’d assume (and I’m not accusing you of anything!) that she were a pedophile because normal women don’t do this. It’s a massive, massive overstep and if I were you I’d stop asap for your own protection.
You would assume she is a pedophile. Don't be ridiculous 🤦‍♀️
SD1978 · 08/01/2022 23:00

And I would have been more pissed off that he left her in the house with you alone after no time at all. That's really screwed. How often does he see his daughter?

dowhattyougotttado · 08/01/2022 23:02

I would hit the roof of my child was dressed and taken to nursery by a stranger. Way too much too soon.

He should have more common sense
You should have some boundaries

Shyla867 · 08/01/2022 23:07

I don't think op is coming back.

GrannytoaUnicorn · 08/01/2022 23:09

If the father of my child (was still alive) and did this, it would be the LAST time he EVER laid eyes on our daughter

BessieFinknottle · 08/01/2022 23:11

Terrible that you can't help a child get dressed without the implication being that you are some sort of paedophile. Mumsnet is so hysterical sometimes

I don't think Mumsnet thinks the OP had any nefarious intent, more that she's young and naive and probably unused to children. What happened was simply inappropriate and most people know it.

She's a stranger to the child's mother and the father hasn't known her long either.
I don't think anyone suspects abuse but has she form for drink driving, for example, or driving in the morning after drinking heavily/taking drugs the night before? Did she use a car-seat when she took the child to nursery? If so, did she know how to use it properly, they can be tricky.

A mother needs to know her child is in safe hands. Of course she does.

Quite probably the OP's a model citizen, but even then it's just not fair on a three year old to be getting attached to her dad's (at present) very short-term girlfriend.

This whole thing has painted your partner in a very poor light OP.

FlibbertyGiblets · 08/01/2022 23:11

OP should be very wary. Her boyfriend is hopeless. She absolutely should not be dressing the little girl - she is a stranger, effectively. That shows poor judgment by Dad and by the OP.

treesandweeds · 08/01/2022 23:12

And this is exactly why there have been several children abused and killed in the news recently, because idiotic parents let whoever they are shagging look after their children...... not saying that you would do anything Op, but it's how it happens....

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2022 23:13

@lollipoprainbow

Terrible that you can't help a child get dressed without the implication being that you are some sort of paedophile. Mumsnet is so hysterical sometimes.
It's more the fact that the child doesn't know the OP from a hole in the wall.

She's a stranger. Would that be ok with you?

I do wonder how many of the women who don't see a problem with this have been in this position themselves?

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2022 23:13

@Shyla867

I don't think op is coming back.
Me neither.

Hope she's got the message loud and clear though.

WheelieBinPrincess · 08/01/2022 23:17

@Shyla867

I don't think op is coming back.
Would you?
immersivereader · 08/01/2022 23:24

Another feckless father.