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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be livid with DH over night wakings

166 replies

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 08:19

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

OP posts:

pictish · 08/01/2022 08:29

With a little perspective. As a mum of three I had nights when I was extremely reluctant to get up and probably wasn’t the paragon of comfort I could have been when I finally did. So did my dh. There were rows of course…rows that resulted from us both being knackered by the relentlessness of tending a baby and having to work and adult as well.
I think it’s unavoidable really.

SunshineOnKeith · 08/01/2022 08:30

The best way of resolving conflict is to ask questions:

There's clearly some confusion around who is responsible for night wakings so what does your DH think is a fair split?
Get him to the explain how he thinks the responsibilities should be shared.

If he tries to suggest leaving DD, ask him why he thinks she's crying in the first place, As an 18 month old alone at night experiencing bad dreams? Assuming he manages to recognise that she's frightened, ask him what he thinks the best way is of soothing a frightened 18 month old ?

If you manage to stay calm and do this, I suspect one of two things will happen - he'll either reflect that he's unfairly expecting his wife to do all the child rearing and his frightened toddler to self soothe, apologise and step up, or he'll recognise that he's unfairly expecting his wife to do all the child rearing and his frightened toddler to self soothe, feel uncomfortable as he recognises his expectations are selfish and unkind, and then try and deny/excuse his behaviour by getting angry/sulky and blaming you for 'having a go' or similar.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the kind of man he is.

PatriotCanes · 08/01/2022 08:30

How do you handle it? Well I would have switched the light on at 6.30 and started debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in so perhaps I'm not the one to ask.

It's just blatant gaslighting - does he really think you are that stupid? Does he really care so little about your back?

pictish · 08/01/2022 08:32

Mind you, I don’t like that he’s trying to renege on your established arrangement. That’s not cool.

pictish · 08/01/2022 08:32

Yes it’s gaslighting.

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2022 08:34

So he's basically denying that a system you've adopted for well over a year exists? Yeah, I'd have kicked him out the bed at 6.30.

timeisnotaline · 08/01/2022 08:39

I am amazed you didn’t kick him out of bed at 6:30, that seems absolutely fair to me! What a tosser.

Thatsplentyjack · 08/01/2022 08:43

It's laughable that je thinks he can convince you of that. Get him up and tell him your really concerned about his memory and think he should go get checked out because forgetting a system that's been in place for a good year is not normal.

Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2022 08:44

He needs to stick to your agreement and stop being a gaslighting fuck You need to let him alone when he does - no checking in on your dd, no telling him to do things differently (other than getting up in the first place of course).

Babynames2 · 08/01/2022 08:45

Yeah I’d have been waking him a 6:30. What a twat.

marykitty · 08/01/2022 08:46

Me and DH we alternate 1 day in 1 day out but I can tell you many times i asked my DH to do my shirt and viceversa when i was really really really tired or in deep sleep phase. I would let it go for this night but this morning you clarify again your agreement. It has to be clear what your normal rota should be. Exceptions can be granted if they are not unilateral.

Foolsrule · 08/01/2022 08:47

What a nasty bastard he is. His sleep needs come before yours, despite you doing most of the nights already. And now he’s having a lie in? What planet is he on?! Given he didn’t bother to get up when he should have, the least he could have done was to give you the lie in. He’s not your partner, he’s not treating you as an equal. He sees you as less worthy than him. Nasty man.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2022 08:47

He’s a dick. Did neither of you get up while she cried for half an hour?

As your back hurts he should be doing all the nights till you’re better. Because he’s meant to love you and want to make your life easier.

Given what happened last night he shouldn’t have had a lie in today, that’s ridiculous. Get him up if he isn’t already and go back to bed. Even if you can’t sleep you need to rest.

flashpaper · 08/01/2022 08:47

Was he definitely awake? I'm not sticking up for him, I for sure would have turned the light on at 6.30 and debated, but I often have conversations in my sleep that I have no recollection of in the morning and they're always nonsense. Could you get a better answer out of him when he's awake?

Pegasussnail · 08/01/2022 08:49

I can't believe you let him have a lie in after that (Well I can because you are drained) )

GoodnightGrandma · 08/01/2022 08:50

What a twat.
Basically you both need to set the rules again.
But he’s a lazy man, I’d be getting my ducks in a row for if I ever needed it.

oviraptor21 · 08/01/2022 08:57

I'd say it depends.
Yes it sounds like he is gaslighting and that is not acceptable.
But ..... for me there is a question mark over whether the original arrangement was fair. He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair.
And yes I was a SAHP - except for when DC were very young (less than 4 months-ish) this is how we split it.

GoodnightGrandma · 08/01/2022 09:02

I was a SAHP and my DH never got up once in the night or morning. He made it such hard work that it was easier to do it myself !

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/01/2022 09:04

@GoodnightGrandma

I was a SAHP and my DH never got up once in the night or morning. He made it such hard work that it was easier to do it myself !

You know that’s not okay though right?

DreamerSeven · 08/01/2022 09:04

@oviraptor21

I'd say it depends. Yes it sounds like he is gaslighting and that is not acceptable. But ..... for me there is a question mark over whether the original arrangement was fair. He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair. And yes I was a SAHP - except for when DC were very young (less than 4 months-ish) this is how we split it.

I was thinking the same, the weekend split doesn’t sound fair to me. It’s not on to change the rules in the middle of the night though which it appears is what he’s done.

supersonicginandtonic · 08/01/2022 09:05

I would be looking at addressing her sleep to be honest. 18 months is too old to be holding and rocking a child Back to sleep. You're both gonna end up with bad backs. I'd start looking at gentle ways of her learning to self sooth.
Also wouldn't it make more sense for you both to get a lie in and do a night shift per weekend?

whyohwhyohwhyohwhywhy · 08/01/2022 09:07

Ah I don't know. We had a rule that whatever was said in anger in the night was cancellable with a quick apology the next. None of us tended to be t our best. He was 3/4 asleep and a bit crap and I was tense and snappy.

If you have an otherwise good relationship I would suggest you have a grown up conversation and have a plan for the future.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 08/01/2022 09:08

Kitchen table Talk time this evening. Start by agreeing to take it in turns to talk and no raising voices. Then agree new rota. If he reduces he really doesn't give a shit and you have a DH problem.

IDontKnowWhyAye · 08/01/2022 09:08

Refuses

dottiedodah · 08/01/2022 09:09

I would be having a very firm discussion Im afraid! He has no more right to sleep than you! Your previous arrangement has worked well for the last year and a half ,so what he thinks its "done " now or something ! Remind him firmly of his agreement .

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