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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be livid with DH over night wakings

166 replies

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 08:19

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 08/01/2022 09:49

Yeah you are nobody to judge her @rocky1914 but here you are, judging away....Hmm

MindyStClaire · 08/01/2022 09:50

Well OP, you've been criticised for comforting your baby too much and comforting your baby too little, all within 50 posts. I hope you've been on MN long enough that that isn't a surprise. Grin

Bluebluemoon · 08/01/2022 09:50

There's clearly some confusion around who is responsible for night wakings so

I don't think there's any "confusion" at all. I think the selfish sod just refused to get up because he didn't want to.

Your are both wfh - why would it not be a fair split down the middle of who gets up with her?

And yes I would absolutely have gone and woken him up this morning - if you don't be assertive about this you'll end up doing everything because he'll just refuse and wont suffer any consequences for his selfishness.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/01/2022 09:52

BTW if she's in pain then give her calpol. If she normally sleeps then this sounds unusual and she's probably in pain

Twicklette · 08/01/2022 09:52

Sorry to sidetrack but I really hate it when some posters cry 'gaslighting' and then suggest that the OP does faux concern for her husband's memory and suggest he gets it checked ( as if there is a concern about early onset dementia). I think that was the original premise for gaslighting (the wife going out of her mind). Trying to suggest that the OP's partner be worried into thinking he has dementia is a really horrible thing to do.
It was the standard response on here for years about ways to get revenge on MILs. Move things, remind them of things that had never happened. Make them worried about dementia, an incurable frightening disease. I made a fuss and now MN remove these nasty posts.
It is never right to suggest gas lighting a partner about illness on here as revenge.

LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 08/01/2022 09:52

I totally feel your pain OP. We had a similar deal here, but it reached a point where I never seemed to get my night off / lie in without a bit of an argument. We were in your boat every Friday night and Saturday morning. So we changed things up a bit (probably when DS was 18M looking back).
During the daytime when we were both feeling on an even keel we talked about our abilities and our blind spots and what we both reasonably needed.
I am crap at getting back to sleep if I have to get up in the night, whereas DW will go back to sleep the moment her head hits the pillow I will be awake for a while. So now every night if the week if DS stirs after 05:00 DW settles him so that I can stay asleep for an extra hour.
DW is crappy at jumping out of bed first thing and needs a good 20 minutes. So if DS wakes suddenly and is calling out for us I get up and go to him no matter which day it is.
DW can run up the stairs quicker than me and DS tends to settle for her more quickly, so if he wakes in the evening before it's our bedtime she goes up to deal with it.
DW needs a proper lie in on Sunday, so she literally sleeps until 10:00ish. I don't need this on a Saturday so I get up with DW and DS to help out (he often wants me to get him out of bath / cook breakfast etc) but then come upstairs for a couple of hours to read, watch cookery programmes, drink coffee without any stress.
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble but hopefully you get the drift....a new routine where you both get what you need could be the answer.
Your DH is not a dickhead based on this one event that you have shared. He was in a deep sleep when you woke him and he behaved badly because it was the middle of the night. I am not saying that is a good excuse or acceptable, but it does happen to us all I am sure. You did the right thing not seeking revenge at 06:30 this morning, when you would have had an argument and all three of you would be feeling stressed all day.
Try to get to a place where you are calm enough to talk about it, then speak to him later. Chances are he'll be embarrassed and very sorry. Maybe see if you can have a king soak in the tub later whilst he looks after DC, so that you've had time to relax those back muscles.

HaggisBurger · 08/01/2022 09:58

@HolidayLovers

Thanks, we've tried bringing her into our bed but she's unfamiliar with it as we never Co-slept and she just goes bananas and starts crawling everywhere and going doolally!

I need to train her to self settle. Due to the first year of her life being in lockdown I spent a lot of time at home with her and somehow ended up cradling her to sleep every night.

Don't get me wrong, she's spent months sleeping through the night 12 hours, so she can self settle. It's just that right now she's having nightmares or molars.

On the sleep thing she may not be in pain from teeth or nightmares. It’s more she’s learned to cry out to get rocked back to sleep. One friend of mine (a very child focused child psychologist) described it as a “slot machine”. Once you start putting money in the slot machine due to a period of illness etc … you are embedding a behaviour. A well 18 month old should be well able to sleep through the night as others have said. But lots of sympathy. V easy to end up like you have. I don’t miss the resentment competition of parenting babies / toddlers. Good luck sorting it all
LonglegsMumtheBlacksmith · 08/01/2022 10:02

That should say "long soak" not king soak Grin
I just want to add that we don't have everything sussed out here, sometimes DS is poorly or has nightmares and we just do what we can. Sometimes it becomes imbalanced and someone (me) has to bit their tongue to keep the peace. Things shift all the time and the most important thing is to understand each other's needs and feel supported by each other. Never assume that your DP knows what you need or understands how important something is to you. Especially in the middle of the night!

EvilPea · 08/01/2022 10:02

Talk this morning when everyone’s calmer and in a better place. I am a complete twat when I’m really tired.

I remember some of the middle of the night conversations and competitive tiredness. No one wins them, they are just bad arguments which will ruin everyone’s sleep.

Agree the routine and if your going back to the old ones and move on.

rwalker · 08/01/2022 10:03

Is this a 1 off

TBH you should of left him too it

HairyScaryMonster · 08/01/2022 10:04

18 months is a sleep regression. Too long ago now to remember what's changed and how to handle it.

Definitely talk calmly (if you can!) about why he didn't get up.

EarthSight · 08/01/2022 10:04

This is gaslighting. He thinks that he can get away with it and that you're stupid. Such disrespect :/

KatieKat88 · 08/01/2022 10:08

He sounds selfish, do not put up with it. Agree with PP's idea of questioning what he thinks is fair. I'd want an apology and if he can't see for himself that he was a dick to you and DD then that would tell me a lot.

(Not the point of this thread but if she's self settled before this regression she'll go back to doing so again, rocking/cuddling her is absolutely fine to do. She needs you, she isn't being manipulative!)

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 08/01/2022 10:14

In the nicest way, your issue is your DD's sleep.

Not really. This is what triggered the issue but it is as much the DHs job to manage DDs sleep as it is the OPs so whilst they both need to do something about her sleep, the fact remains that the OH reneged on a very clear agreement because he considered his own needs more important than anyone else's. I too do not believe for one second that the DH had forgotten the previous agreement. Hopefully the DH is not always a total arse in this way and will apologise and properly discuss this but if not I would be questioning whether the relationship has a future as who would want to be with someone who thinks he only needs to help if he's in the mood to?

BoredZelda · 08/01/2022 10:14

I think it’s unavoidable really.

It isn’t, where you have agreed to share the load. That you did them all and were knackered is irrelevant to the OP as they had agreed to share the load regardless of whether someone wanted to get up or not.

BoredZelda · 08/01/2022 10:16

18 months is a sleep regression. Too long ago now to remember what's changed and how to handle it.

As is 6 months, 8 months, 10 months, 14 months, 20 months etc apparently, depending on which website/book you read.

Kids (and adults) go through phases of sleeping well or not from time to time. There’s no set timetable for it.

Original poster
HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 10:18

Thanks everyone. I am a bit confused about the sleep as 50% of people are saying I shouldn't cradle her back to sleep during this sleep regression and 50% think I should.

I think it's a mix of sleep regression/ developmental leap, nightmares and molar teeth all rolled into one. We had months and months where she slept through like a dream. I was even starting to feel human again. Oh well. I hope this phase passes soon. Bloody molars seem to take ages to come through Confused

OP posts:
MindyStClaire · 08/01/2022 10:20

I could've written that post. Solidarity.

Original poster
HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 10:20

Re the husband, he finally emerged at 10am. Our lie ins are normally till 8.30/9. I shall be lying in till 10am tomorrow.

We've not talked yet. He has to work this morning apparently so after my shower I'll be looking after DD. I hope there will be an opportunity to talk later. An apology or remorse did not seem forthcoming though.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 08/01/2022 10:20

People are saying you should comfort her. But you don’t need to rock her or cradle her as she’s not a tiny baby anymore. You need different strategies that match her age - and her weight!

CallmeHendricks · 08/01/2022 10:22

Yes, he appears to have been very unreasonable, but the bottom line is, no one's going to get a productive conversation about such a thing in the middle of the night with a screaming child, when knackered the next morning or when feeling angry and resentful (however justified).

But a proper conversation needs to be had to set up (or re-establish) a fair system going forward, and to try to get your dd back in her routine.

Good luck. Flowers

TracyMosby · 08/01/2022 10:22

After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her.

Why did you do this? You should not have interfered. If you wanted him to get up and look after the child, you shouldn't also be monitoring him.

If id have been up for two hours, id have passed the child to my dh at 6.30am and gone back to sleep.

You need to think about what he is like normally and talk about when it isn't the middle of the night.

rocky1914 · 08/01/2022 10:26

I shall be lying in till 10am tomorrow.

Turn that 10 into a 12 and then we're cooking with gas 🤣🤣

But yes, I stopped rocking DD to sleep when she was about 6 months old if I remember right. This is somewhat important for baby's emotional development. Every child has attachment issues at some stage but you really want her to be sleeping in her own bed by the time she is 2. Still rocking her at 18mos may hinder that.

converseandjeans · 08/01/2022 10:27

Agree with supersonicginandtonic that an 18 month old should not need rocking for extended periods at night.

Is DD having too much sleep during the day? I think by this age a long lunch nap is all they need.

Also the split seems unfair as you seem to have decided on the schedule and DH never gets a weekend night off.

If you're SAHP to one 18 month old presumably you get a break during the week - DH is either working or on night duty.

You need to sort out the sleep ASAP. I almost never had night wakings beyond couple of months old so it is possible. You seem to assume it's going to happen.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 08/01/2022 10:28

If it were all the time then I'd get it.

But surely everyone has an odd day here and there of just not wanting to or feeling like they can do something. And I get that if you're on your own you just have to get on with it, but you're not so surely a bit of flex now and then isn't an awful thing??