To be livid with DH over night wakings

[HolidayLovers]

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

Completely agree good sleep can be encouraged - but only to a certain extent. This age is well known for shit sleep, the baby was sleeping well until recently, just needs a bit of comfort now. We're moving more and more towards patting and shushing etc rather than rocking, but that's because that's what our DD can tolerate for now. If she still needed to be rocked, then she'd be rocked.

I'm not happy about the broken sleep but I'm happy to comfort my child during the night, and DH feels the same. I wouldn't be happy with him not doing his share, and I certainly wouldn't be happy with him making a wholesale change in our approach with zero discussion in the middle of the night when, funnily enough, it was his turn to get up. That's extremely shitty of him regardless of any other problems.

Unfortunately no household can run to the spontaneous and intermittent sleep schedule of an 18 month old.
Most jobs and essential activities take place during the day.
I don’t make the rules.

The sleep disruption cannot continue or you'll drop from exhaustion.
Mine were terrible sleeping, I do regret not trying sleep training as I definitely made a rod for my back.
I assume you've tried all the tricks, white noise, soothing sounds, some DC are genuinely distressed sleeping alone, if this is the reason co-sleep is your answer.
Do you rock her to sleep so she falls asleep with someone but waking alone?
That can be frightening for her.

A good projector night light might help too.
Take an extra long break tomorrow, you deserve it.

I misread the title of this post😳

I’ll just leave quietly. Good luck op!

There are a whole range of sleep ideas here, all insisting that they are right and the only way. Most of their kids will probably grow up to be just fine regardless. So do the thing that works best for you, whether that is rocking or not. I went for the more comfort approach and had one baby that slept well and one that I barely survived! I do agree with previous posters that if this is a one off then it's probably just because you are both over tired. Not making that an excuse for selfishness, but if it is generally not like that then just work together to ensure you are on the same page from now on.

I'd go quiet for a few days, look after DD, see if he broaches it first.

Then I'd say I thought there was an agreement in place but now I think it needs to be 5050 as it isn't working. If he wont and you wont kick him out for a few days then I'd say I cant manage freelance work anymore or cook dinners etc whatever would rile him

It's almost impossible to have any sort of meaningful discussion during the night, so it needs deciding on during the day. Written down to stop any sort of 'forgetfulness'.

@Fredstheteds

Very lucky my 2.5 sleeps well- I’ve let him sort his own settling from day 1- it’s exhausting when your up several times a night

You mean you left a newborn to cry themselves to sleep?

Or do you mean something else by Day 1?

How lovely for all of you who had toddlers who napped for two hours in the daytime

My youngest didn't. She slept for a maximum of 15 minutes at a time during the day. Didn't sleep well at night either.

I have to admit to being a bit sharp with people who said 'sleep when the baby sleeps' to me, as if it was going to change my life. I know they meant well but it was complete unhelpful in our case, and led to me feeling really shit and judged as a parent. .

@BoredZelda

Not an 18 month old with limited emotional regulation and means of communication.

18 months is well old enough to understand your parents aren’t always there in the middle of the night. Unless the child is in pain or is unwell, no harm will come to them in understanding missing your parents at night time is not a reason for them to come running. Or do you think pandering to it right up until the time they are (in your opinion) old enough to understand it then cutting it off is a much kinder thing to do?

Fucking wonder the human race is in such a state. This level of stupid must be hereditary

I’d say the same about your level of anger and nastiness.

Pandering to it?! 😂

Biologically we are the same as our cave dwelling ancestors. That the Victorians came along and decided children should be separate to their parents the minute the cord is cut doesn’t change that.

18 month olds in the past would have slept close to their parents to avoid getting eaten by predators overnight. There is little difference in the brain of today’s 18 month year old, who believes that being alone at night is dangerous.

I am staggered at how many people have children without any interests in the interest of their human psychology and development. Ever likely we have a mental health crisis if attending to the needs of an 18 month old is labelled “pandering”.

@pictish

Unfortunately no household can run to the spontaneous and intermittent sleep schedule of an 18 month old. Most jobs and essential activities take place during the day. I don’t make the rules.

Ours managed fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Could it be that you were the one who decided that it was okay to teach her to fall asleep by being rocked and husband is sick of that?

@rainbowandglitter

My first thought was why on earth are you rocking an 18 month old to sleep? That's not good for anyone's back. You need to work out a better way of sleep training your toddler.

Just what I thought!

I was a sahp therefore it was me who got up generally but it was minimal because the kids slept with us until they were old enough to have a toddler bed, around 15 months - they came into us in the night if they wanted a cuddle. So much easier than getting up in the night

Sleep is not linear in young kids. Just because they sleep through for a period doesn't mean that's it ticked off and them forever. Sleep can change and be affected by lots of different things, so I think it's pretty pointless saying that they 'should' be doing X by a certain age because it just doesn't work like that. There are times when they sleep well and times when they don't and you just have to roll with the punches. DD has always been a decent sleeper but has had periods of a week or few weeks where her sleep has changed for whatever reason. She's not doing it to manipulate or get attention, it's just part of development 🤷‍♀️

Also there is no such things as 'leaving them to self settle from day 1'. Either you have a baby who just did that themselves and it's nothing to do with you or you left a newborn baby to cry. Either method is nothing to do with good parenting (and the second one is positively bad parenting).

OP, we had an awful time with DS1's sleep for well over a year. As she's staying awake for hours during the night, could she be ready to drop to one nap, or shorten her daytime nap, so that she's tired enough to sleep through the night solidly?
The only thing that sorted DS1's sleep was being strict with daytime naps and making sure he always napped in his cot, curtains closed, white noise on, comforter. He's 2 now and asks to go up for his bath when he's tired and sleeps 7-7 every night, but we had 14 months where I was up all night, every night. I bought several sleep courses too, and this was essentially what they all said.
If he wakes in the night, I tuck him in again, stroke his head and then sit in the chair across the room and verbally comfort him if he cries any more. We started off sitting on the floor next to the cot and patting his bum for comfort, then moved away bit by bit.

Any discussion about it needs to be when you’re both calm and not in the midst of sleep deprivation. From experience. All of you go outside for some fresh air activity this morning. Talk about other things. Try and focus on the positives. Give each other a bit of space today - go for a walk by yourself if you can etc. Discuss it over dinner tonight. When you’re calm and happy. No good comes from things said in the heat of anger in middle of the night. Apologies from both sides and move on. Decide how you will manage the situation going forwards.

@PrincessNutella

Could it be that you were the one who decided that it was okay to teach her to fall asleep by being rocked and husband is sick of that?

Sure he can raise the topic of a change in approach. But he doesn't get to just unilaterally decide that in the middle of the night with no prior discussion.

I'd also argue that if he isn't willing to get up and pull his 50% weight overnight, then he doesn't get an equal vote in what happens overnight.

This is what happens when you choose to live with a man - I've had several relationships and 2 marriages and they are constantly shoving boundaries, pretending things were never said and so on and so forth whilst trying to get out of as much work as possible by doing shared jobs very badly.
Is why I don't live with a man any more because I find them basically lacking.

What about a chart on the fridge ?

@NavigatingAdolescence you don’t realise that it’s crucial for children to have good, uninterrupted sleep as well. Studies show that children who have long blocks of sleep develop better. Anything they learn during the day gets stored in memory during sleep.

A child who keeps waking up and needs a parent to fall back asleep will be more tired in the day, unhappier, and their development will be affected. Learning healthy sleeping habits is an important skill that will benefit them throughout life.

None of this ‘my child is probably afraid it’ll get eaten by a bear at night like when we used to live in caves, so I need to rock them to sleep’. Look at the actual evidence, would be my recommendation.

@NavigatingAdolescence

Co sleep is also not a good answer, unless you want her to sleep in your bed for years to come and have disrupted sleep yourself.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bullshit.

Thank you for your comprehensive counter argument

“ Studies have shown that cosleeping is linked to disruption of the natural sleep cycle and behavioral problems”
academic.oup.com/sleep/article/41/suppl_1/A305/4988870

[quote Dguu6u]@NavigatingAdolescence you don’t realise that it’s crucial for children to have good, uninterrupted sleep as well. Studies show that children who have long blocks of sleep develop better. Anything they learn during the day gets stored in memory during sleep.

A child who keeps waking up and needs a parent to fall back asleep will be more tired in the day, unhappier, and their development will be affected. Learning healthy sleeping habits is an important skill that will benefit them throughout life.

None of this ‘my child is probably afraid it’ll get eaten by a bear at night like when we used to live in caves, so I need to rock them to sleep’. Look at the actual evidence, would be my recommendation.[/quote]
Plenty of studies about the importance of parental connection and response and the benefits of multi-phase sleep as well, if you care to look. It’s all a balance.

Modern routines are relatively new to humans. Adapting has a cost at individual and societal level.

We’re a family of owls. The 9-5 culture fucking sucks for us, so guess what, we’ve found ways to operate so that it impacts as little as possible. Despite being allowed to co-sleep when needed, sleep from midnight till noon rather than the 7-7 “preference” she’s an exceptionally bright, independent and well adjusted tween now. It’s almost like meeting her needs did no harm at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm really confused as to why you got up in the night. Your DD woke up crying, you spent a while getting your partner up, then after he did you went and checked on him. Of course your DD saw you and wanted you. You should have just left him to it.
What's the point in getting him up if you don't trust him to look after her?
Absolutely he should be getting up but if you're always checking on him, no wonder he's reluctant.