To be livid with DH over night wakings

[HolidayLovers]

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

You need to sort out the sleep ASAP. I almost never had night wakings beyond couple of months old so it is possible. You seem to assume it's going to happen.

HAHAHA. What utter bollocks. Maybe if you were lucky enough to have a dream sleeper (because that's what it is, luck), don't give advice to parents struggling with bad sleep. My 3 year old has always loved nursery so I wouldn't tell someone whose child was struggling to settle that it should just happen and it's all their fault. Just like some adults are good sleepers and some have insomnia, all babies are, funnily enough, different.

Btw OP, I told DH that there's a debate on MN about your 5/2 split without telling him what the debate is - good response was that he'd snatch your arm off for your DH's deal.

I would also be focussing on trying to help her learn to fall asleep on her own, 18 months is ideal age to try this

• his response

When you have dc who don't sleep you turn into vampires (mean ones not blood suckers!) or Jeykyll & Hyde at night time & first thing in the morning. FACT!
Neither of you can have a sensible conversation & you need to have this as pp have said. So its best to do this later in the day -let him sleep in BUT you need to have afternoon kip (no more than 2 hours just after lunch is best time so it doesn't affect your sleep) than have a proper conversation in the evening

@MindyStClaire I daresay he would, all Dhs, are funnily enough, different. I couldn't listen to a child cry and not do anything.

Don’t start the SAHP/WOHP fight! Unless the DH is doing absolutely nothing at the weekends then it’s not true. As OP will have a lie in tomorrow it’s demonstrably not true here.

6 nights of broken sleep is fair? It doesn't matter who is doing what during the day.

Neither could either of us. But DH does half of the dealing with it, as should OP's DH.

If you enjoy rocking her to sleep every night, then there’s no issue. If you do mind, best to learn her to self settle. She did it before but now you’ve interrupted that and made her dependent on rocking again. Co sleep is also not a good answer, unless you want her to sleep in your bed for years to come and have disrupted sleep yourself.

If she has a nightmare, try settling her in her bed, or pick her up and soothe (but no rocking) but as soon as she’s quiet put her back. If she has pain from teething, you could try calpol as she goes down for the night to prevent wake ups.

Co sleep is also not a good answer, unless you want her to sleep in your bed for years to come and have disrupted sleep yourself.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Bullshit.

@oviraptor21

I'd say it depends. Yes it sounds like he is gaslighting and that is not acceptable. But ..... for me there is a question mark over whether the original arrangement was fair. He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair. And yes I was a SAHP - except for when DC were very young (less than 4 months-ish) this is how we split it.

Are you serious? She’s already doing the lions share of the night times. She is working every day whens her day off?

If she has a nightmare, try settling her in her bed, or pick her up and soothe (but no rocking) but as soon as she’s quiet put her back. If she has pain from teething, you could try calpol as she goes down for the night to prevent wake ups.

And if she’s just missing her parents?

@MindyStClaire

You need to sort out the sleep ASAP. I almost never had night wakings beyond couple of months old so it is possible. You seem to assume it's going to happen.

HAHAHA. What utter bollocks. Maybe if you were lucky enough to have a dream sleeper (because that's what it is, luck), don't give advice to parents struggling with bad sleep. My 3 year old has always loved nursery so I wouldn't tell someone whose child was struggling to settle that it should just happen and it's all their fault. Just like some adults are good sleepers and some have insomnia, all babies are, funnily enough, different.

Btw OP, I told DH that there's a debate on MN about your 5/2 split without telling him what the debate is - good response was that he'd snatch your arm off for your DH's deal.

Agree every baby is different. But you can teach your kids as well. Sleeping is a skill and they will learn how to connect sleep cycles by whatever they have been taught, whether it was on purpose or not. If you rock your kids to sleep, they will need to be rocked to sleep because they don’t know how else to nod off.

It’s like potty training. Kids all need to be taught how to use the potty, some are easier to teach than others and understand more quickly how to do it, but in the end they all get there. You wouldn’t just put a potty down, take a nappy off and expect the kid to know how to use it, and then say that your kid is just not a good potty user?

Is DD having too much sleep during the day? I think by this age a long lunch nap is all they need.

At 18 months my daughter was still having two solid naps a day and sleeping fine at night.

How much daytime sleep they need varies per child but keeping a child who is tired awake during the day won’t help them sleep at night.

I’m with @supersonicginandtonic: intervene and sort the sleep. Had we not done that with my son (now nearly 2.5), we’d probably be divorced by now.

But you can teach your kids as well. Sleeping is a skill and they will learn how to connect sleep cycles by whatever they have been taught, whether it was on purpose or not

Yes, I’m always surprised how few people think they need to teach children how to sleep. We teach them to walk and to talk and to swim , and accept there will be some tears and fear when we do that but when it comes to sleep they’re on their own.

And if she’s just missing her parents?

Would you call your mum at 3am if you were missing her?

The awful thing to me is that your dh was prepared to let his dc get upset and argue over parenting responsibilities rather than just get up and care for her.
Of course he knows that you will put your dd first and was happy to let the crying escalate if it meant you caved before he did.
What a selfish idiot.

@BoredZelda

And if she’s just missing her parents?

Would you call your mum at 3am if you were missing her?

I’m an ADULT. Not an 18 month old with limited emotional regulation and means of communication.

Fucking wonder the human race is in such a state. This level of stupid must be hereditary.

@NavigatingAdolescence

If she has a nightmare, try settling her in her bed, or pick her up and soothe (but no rocking) but as soon as she’s quiet put her back. If she has pain from teething, you could try calpol as she goes down for the night to prevent wake ups.

And if she’s just missing her parents?

Then go in check she’s not in pain, tuck her back in, tell her it’s sleeping time. And go.

Don’t ignore her for 30 minutes but don’t spend 2 hours rocking her to sleep!

When you do talk get him to explain which system he thought you were using because whether you were alternating on the holiday routine or using the 5/2 non-holiday routine, it was his turn. If he's working today he should have got up and got on with it.

Very lucky my 2.5 sleeps well- I’ve let him sort his own settling from day 1- it’s exhausting when your up several times a night

I find it very sad that so many people think babies and toddlers should sleep on their own and are being manipulativs when they are upset at night. Small children are not designed to be alone, nevermind how many people like to think so for their own comfort.

Also children are not programmed robots but individual human beings which means their are ready and able to do different things at different ages.

holidaylovers

If you're SAHP to one 18 month old presumably you get a break during the week

Not sure when that's meant to take place? Genuine question?

I used to put my feet up when they both had a 2 hr nap at lunch.

I was back at work though when DD was 4 months & DS was 6 months so not much chance to relax. That's not a SAHP/WOHP argument btw - I just had more chance to relax on maternity leave than when I went to work.

What day naps does DD have?

It does sound exhausting & I think it becomes a trigger point when both parents start resenting what the other one is or isn't doing.

It's all a stage - can you afford a couple of mornings nursery or childminder to get some head space?

You need to communicate and work out a system in the daylight hours. Have a chat about the non sleep from DD and say so wondering what the plan is what nights do you want to do wake ups? Get it established before the night when your both tired and snappy.

Also at 18months she is clearly getting very reliant on being rocked back to sleep on a regular basis. I would be looking at establishing a good routine and stopping the night wake ups.

Not an 18 month old with limited emotional regulation and means of communication.

18 months is well old enough to understand your parents aren’t always there in the middle of the night. Unless the child is in pain or is unwell, no harm will come to them in understanding missing your parents at night time is not a reason for them to come running. Or do you think pandering to it right up until the time they are (in your opinion) old enough to understand it then cutting it off is a much kinder thing to do?

Fucking wonder the human race is in such a state. This level of stupid must be hereditary

I’d say the same about your level of anger and nastiness.