To be livid with DH over night wakings

[HolidayLovers]

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

To those instantly saying you should consider leaving- consider the fact that you will be doing every single wake up in that case. I do with my two toddlers and an ASD tween. plus working… yes I’m shattered. But less tired than walking on eggshells around an idiot and having to do 90% of everything anyway.

If he’s decent then try and get some time to yourselves and have a chat.

@ScrambledSmegs

How lovely for all of you who had toddlers who napped for two hours in the daytime

My youngest didn't. She slept for a maximum of 15 minutes at a time during the day. Didn't sleep well at night either.

I have to admit to being a bit sharp with people who said 'sleep when the baby sleeps' to me, as if it was going to change my life. I know they meant well but it was complete unhelpful in our case, and led to me feeling really shit and judged as a parent. .

Yeah exactly. Plus "putting your feet up" or even napping when baby naps doesn't make up for chronic sleep deprivation from 18 months of broken nights.

It's not acceptable for one parent to be doing 6/7 nights of dealing with night waking, regardless of who works/is at home.

@NavigatingAdolescence you can have deep connections without cosleeping as well. And teenagers do have a different biological clock and don’t fare well getting up early, but that’s the same for all teenagers.

Plus "putting your feet up" or even napping when baby naps doesn't make up for chronic sleep deprivation from 18 months of broken nights.

^^

This is true. No amount of napping will make up for a proper night’s sleep - any when you’re in deficit in the long term this really affects you.

I can’t bear a man who won’t get up in the night. It’s such hideous selfishness.

YANBU. Putting aside the SAH argument you have a system and he couldn’t be arsed to do his share.

Re the sleep. Sleep training is worth the effort, although appreciate it isn’t straightforward when a child has teeth coming through etc.
Shush & pat as a few people have said will give her comfort without the need to physically hold her and you can slowly retreat over time. It is a long game method though.

With my eldest the only thing that worked was cry it out and it took sheer exhaustion and a last resort to try it. We did start off with the gentle methods but they honestly had no impact. CIO did feel a bit mean but it did work for us.

[quote Dguu6u]@NavigatingAdolescence you can have deep connections without cosleeping as well. And teenagers do have a different biological clock and don’t fare well getting up early, but that’s the same for all teenagers.[/quote]
My daughter must have been born a teenager then. She’s been asleep before 10pm a handful of times in her whole life. (She’s 11 - not yet a teen.)

I maintain that parents ignoring young toddlers because “it’s not time for that” is not optimal for their development. Whether that’s daytime or nighttime.

Has he talked about it yet?

Have not read all 7 pages, OP but if you are both WFH, why do you do five nights and him only 2 anyway? It hardly seems a fair carve-up of night duties. If he took a fairer share of responsibility, he might be more responsible, iyswim.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

This is what happens when you choose to live with a man - I've had several relationships and 2 marriages and they are constantly shoving boundaries, pretending things were never said and so on and so forth whilst trying to get out of as much work as possible by doing shared jobs very badly. Is why I don't live with a man any more because I find them basically lacking.

Nah, my DW has pushed this boundary a fair few times Ashe definitely isn't a man. I've pushed a few boundaries too and I am not a man either. Living with another person requires compromise and a bit of understanding when shit goes wrong. I am definitely an arse when suddenly woken sometimes and so is DW - trick is not to let it become a regular thing and a source of resentment

We definitely have a strong routine. She has a always slept through 12 hours+ since 4 months old. Same bedtime and bath routine. But she had a 4 week sleep regression at 9 months which came and went, and now this. Apart from cradling her to sleep before bed I don't want to change anything else.

Her day naps are only 1.5 hours and in that time I am generally running around doing housework, laundry, cleaning, washing up, emptying bins, prepping dinner for slow cooker, organising household finances, booking plumbers, dentists, buying moonpig cards, doing online grocery shop and the usual. Personally couldn't put my feet up or else the house would be in chaos. I'm not sure how others do this. At bedtime I do it all and DH finally emerges from his desk just as I've put her down around 8pm to eat his meal I've cooked. I then do another hour of chores or life admin, plus freelance work before I'm zonked.

DH works hard but has at least an hours break and often much more during the day when he makes coffee, eats lunch, checks his crypto, watches YouTube, goes to the gym.

I therefore think 5 nights out of 7 is enough for me.

We have spoken. He apologised and said in the moment he felt a conviction it was wrong for him to get up. But he realises that was not the time to change the routine. Pretty much admitted gaslighting, saying he felt it was wrong rather than it wasn't our normal system. He also says he was putting his own needs over mine and our DD.

We have now agreed to move his Friday shift to Thursday, so that he gets a full night off followed by a lie in on Saturday morning. The new rota is on the fridge.

Thanks all

Her day naps are only 1.5 hours and in that time I am generally running around doing housework, laundry, cleaning, washing up, emptying bins, prepping dinner for slow cooker, organising household finances, booking plumbers, dentists, buying moonpig cards, doing online grocery shop and the usual. Personally couldn't put my feet up or else the house would be in chaos. I'm not sure how others do this.

They do it when the children are awake. There’s no need for your DD to be asleep for you to chuck laundry on - she can help

Your DH was obviously wrong to ignore his responsibility at this time, sleep deprivation is tough and can make people act selfishly.
I think one time in 18months isn't the worst in the world, best you talk it out as you have done, and get a resolution. Hope it works out,

They do it when the children are awake. There’s no need for your DD to be asleep for you to chuck laundry on - she can help

Absolutely this !! Our DS was loading the washing machine and helping load the dishwasher about this age. Putting socks away while I shown him pairs, there is loads to keep them amused and teach them with daily chores. Daily life goes on with them in tow.

@supersonicginandtonic

I would be looking at addressing her sleep to be honest. 18 months is too old to be holding and rocking a child Back to sleep. You're both gonna end up with bad backs. I'd start looking at gentle ways of her learning to self sooth. Also wouldn't it make more sense for you both to get a lie in and do a night shift per weekend?

This! At 18 months there shouldn't be night shifts, the child should be sleeping through. Also I hate this specific rules of who does what and when, why can't ye work together? My DH does more when he knows I'm tired and vice versa, he takes the toddler out so I can get some rest when the baby sleeps but we would never dream of using that as tit-for-tat, 'I got up the last time so it's your turn now' etc. It's no help to anyone and it's not how grown ups should act or a marriage work

@HolidayLovers

Thanks everyone. I am a bit confused about the sleep as 50% of people are saying I shouldn't cradle her back to sleep during this sleep regression and 50% think I should.

I think it's a mix of sleep regression/ developmental leap, nightmares and molar teeth all rolled into one. We had months and months where she slept through like a dream. I was even starting to feel human again. Oh well. I hope this phase passes soon. Bloody molars seem to take ages to come through

Sorry just seen this, I thought the night shift thing was a regular occurrence. If it is Molars would you give half a dose of Calpol or something to help with the pain before bedtime? I would try more with Co-sleeping too. We swore we'd never do it, but someone once said to us that it's better to get them back to sleep as fast as possible so everyone is rested and happy in the morning than to take hours trying to get them back to sleep correctly in their own bed. Best of luck

@HolidayLovers

We definitely have a strong routine. She has a always slept through 12 hours+ since 4 months old. Same bedtime and bath routine. But she had a 4 week sleep regression at 9 months which came and went, and now this. Apart from cradling her to sleep before bed I don't want to change anything else.

Her day naps are only 1.5 hours and in that time I am generally running around doing housework, laundry, cleaning, washing up, emptying bins, prepping dinner for slow cooker, organising household finances, booking plumbers, dentists, buying moonpig cards, doing online grocery shop and the usual. Personally couldn't put my feet up or else the house would be in chaos. I'm not sure how others do this. At bedtime I do it all and DH finally emerges from his desk just as I've put her down around 8pm to eat his meal I've cooked. I then do another hour of chores or life admin, plus freelance work before I'm zonked.

DH works hard but has at least an hours break and often much more during the day when he makes coffee, eats lunch, checks his crypto, watches YouTube, goes to the gym.

I therefore think 5 nights out of 7 is enough for me.

We have spoken. He apologised and said in the moment he felt a conviction it was wrong for him to get up. But he realises that was not the time to change the routine. Pretty much admitted gaslighting, saying he felt it was wrong rather than it wasn't our normal system. He also says he was putting his own needs over mine and our DD.

We have now agreed to move his Friday shift to Thursday, so that he gets a full night off followed by a lie in on Saturday morning. The new rota is on the fridge.

Thanks all

I’m glad you’ve spoken and he’s apologised. Personally I would take a nap time off late next week, make a simple baby meal and when he emerges explain you took nap time off to rest as you’re tired and not a robot so can he do something for dinner for you both and he will have to help get laundry etc done during the weekend. I did all nights, deeply resented it, but my Dh did a lot of cooking and housework and didn’t get any sleep ins ever as he got up in the mornings. Next time (whcih is fairly soon) he is doing regular night shifts as has been much discussed between us before agreeing to another, and I might not be too tired to do any cooking and cleaning.