To be livid with DH over night wakings

[HolidayLovers]

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

With my own little ones, we adressed the sleep issue heads on with the following (unconventional?) set up:

• every night, one adult was on sleep duty. We normally alternated every day to give each other a recovery period. If there was difficult circumstances (e.g. an adult was ill or had important work commitments), we'd negotiate new rules for the occasion (always aiming to keep things fair in the long run)
• the adult on duty would have their own bed (comfy mattress on the floor) in the children's room. As soon as a kid got too heavy to be easily lifted up from their cot, they'd be moved to a toddler bed. But both kids went through phases of co-sleeping on the adult bed/mattress, along with the adult on sleep duty. They grew out of it just fine. And it made life smoother for everyone

Obviously there wasn't much hanky panky during that period of our life, but at least everyone got decent amounts of sleep!
That's team work. Your partner is not a team player, and needs a serious telling off.

@converseandjeans

Agree with supersonicginandtonic that an 18 month old should not need rocking for extended periods at night.

Is DD having too much sleep during the day? I think by this age a long lunch nap is all they need.

Also the split seems unfair as you seem to have decided on the schedule and DH never gets a weekend night off.

If you're SAHP to one 18 month old presumably you get a break during the week - DH is either working or on night duty.

You need to sort out the sleep ASAP. I almost never had night wakings beyond couple of months old so it is possible. You seem to assume it's going to happen.

agree with this. It’s hard enough having small kids on a full nights sleep - never mind being up unnecessarily at night.

I disagree with a PP who said that if your DC previously self-settled they will magically revert to that. Being rocked to sleep is much nicer! You may need to do some gentle sleep training here. It will help your relationship with your DH and help your DC get an unbroken nights sleep.

Well, my sister did nights and breakfasts solo for 15 years. Then she divorced his ass.

@HolidayLovers

Thanks everyone. I am a bit confused about the sleep as 50% of people are saying I shouldn't cradle her back to sleep during this sleep regression and 50% think I should.

I think it's a mix of sleep regression/ developmental leap, nightmares and molar teeth all rolled into one. We had months and months where she slept through like a dream. I was even starting to feel human again. Oh well. I hope this phase passes soon. Bloody molars seem to take ages to come through

The answer to that lies with you…as in, what you and your dh view as the way ahead. Some parents can clearly deal with being up in the night to rock for an hour…they are more selfless than me. I was never prepared to do that…not once they were past the stage of needing fed throughout the night. That’s not to say I ignored my tots in the night at that stage…I understood they were seeking comfort and attention…but I didn’t want to fall into the trap of providing a 24 hour service. That’s me…and my dh felt the same.

I’m a cuddly mum but not at 3am…just because. That’s time to sleep.

How small is a small bit of freelance work? If you’re essentially a sahm I think it is unfair to your DH to be doing every night waking at weekends tbh.

But, if you’re doing a lot of freelance during nap time so you don’t get a break then I’d change my view a bit on nighttime wakings.

18 months isn’t just a regression, it’s the biggest peak for separation anxiety.

I can never get my head around why fully developed adults are seen as odd if they don’t want to sleep in the same bed as another fully developed adult for comfort but tiny babies and children are expected to sleep alone and not seek human comfort during the night. It goes against every biological instinct, surely?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you're SAHP to one 18 month old presumably you get a break during the week

Not sure when that's meant to take place? Genuine question?

I don’t blame you for going in, at that point I’d take over for the sake of my daughters comfort too.

Sounds like he let you down, ok nobody is perfect. But he was shitty about it.

Whatever you do you going forward you probably should be consistent and agreed with your DH.

The modern way we live our lives contravenes biological instinct. Jobs and other commitments and obligations override…and that’s just the way it is. No one can operate well while being sleep deprived…whatever the next day demands.

Great if you have a lifestyle that can accommodate an hour of rocking at 3am. Most people end up exhausted, resentful and stressed out.

@HolidayLovers

If you're SAHP to one 18 month old presumably you get a break during the week

Not sure when that's meant to take place? Genuine question?

Surely your daughter naps?

I agree with supersonic

You shouldn't have gone into the room. You went to the effort of making him get up and then went in and took over anyway.

Also, it does seem a tad unfair that your DH does all weekend wakings.

And she’ll also be going to bed at a broadly sensible time so you have evenings

It sounds like you are both exhausted. When sleep is at a premium, people get can very precious and selfish about it.

The bigger problem is indeed the toddler's sleep as PP are telling you

Rocking to sleep is a bit excessive (but I also did it when I was a slave to my first-born evil dictator).

Put a comfy chair next to her bed, hold her hand while she goes back to sleep and you try to doze off. Stop the excessive fuss and rocking

@HolidayLovers

Thanks everyone. I am a bit confused about the sleep as 50% of people are saying I shouldn't cradle her back to sleep during this sleep regression and 50% think I should.

I think it's a mix of sleep regression/ developmental leap, nightmares and molar teeth all rolled into one. We had months and months where she slept through like a dream. I was even starting to feel human again. Oh well. I hope this phase passes soon. Bloody molars seem to take ages to come through

DS had a MASSIVE sleep regression at 18MO. It's the only time that I have done things like sleep in his room, hold him until he fell asleep etc. I remember going to the park with a friend one day, choking on a sausage bap and accidentally spilling a whole can of Pepsi all over DS, before crying inconsolably and collapsing in the middle of the sandpit. You are coping really well, I am in awe of anyone who can comfort DC for hours every night. This is absolutely temporary, I can now laugh about the park incident but at the time I was mortified. At some point DC cry will change and you will know that you aren't actually needed and you are just being played - change strategies then and just do what you can for now.

@oviraptor21

I'd say it depends. Yes it sounds like he is gaslighting and that is not acceptable. But ..... for me there is a question mark over whether the original arrangement was fair. He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair. And yes I was a SAHP - except for when DC were very young (less than 4 months-ish) this is how we split it.

Have to say I agree with this.

Also, you say that normally she sleeps through and has done for months.

Therefore this is not like the newborn stage.

You are both out of habit of waking every night and dealing with a baby. Thus makes it much harder to wake up.

You just need to decide what to do going forward

You both left your daughter crying for 30 minutes after she'd possibly had a nightmare? Regardless of whose turn it was, that was really shit.

How to handle it? Talk to him today. Tell him how it makes you feel.

But also you did his shift last night and as a consequence you are too tired to do....xyz things that benefit him.

Next time he tries it go get the child and put them in your bed see if he can sleep through that. To be fair once DS was over a year, we stopped the nighttime rota whoever woke up first got DS out him in our bed and got the single bed. Needless to say it didn't take long for one of us to get out of bed! Before some says your encouraging it, he's now 8 and the only time he gets in our bed is rare Sunday morning cuddle with bacon sandwiches and TV

Bet someone in the family your DH has seen over Christmas has said at 18 months you can just leave dd if she cries in the night, so he's unanimously decided that's what he's going to do.

You need to revisit your strategy and sharing arrangement. And mention that it needs mutual discussion not an undisclosed or discussed decision to change.

He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair.
She works 7 days a week and does 5/7 night shifts
You are basically saying his work means his sleep is more important than hers, which is bollock

I don't know how you're not in your daughter's room within a minute of her crying. It's pure instinct, as a mother. You spent 30 minutes listening to her before either of you bothered to get up? No wonder your daughter was inconsolable.

Personally, I'd stick her in my bed and then everyone can sleep.

@AdamRyan

He works presumably 5 days a week yet both his days off he does the night shift. Unless he's got a very cushy job and you're not a FT SAHP then personally I think 1 night shift and 1 lie in each per weekend would be more fair. She works 7 days a week and does 5/7 night shifts You are basically saying his work means his sleep is more important than hers, which is bollock

Don’t start the SAHP/WOHP fight! Unless the DH is doing absolutely nothing at the weekends then it’s not true. As OP will have a lie in tomorrow it’s demonstrably not true here.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

Wake him up. Tell him you 'forgot' he was having alternating lie ins with you, much like he 'forgot' he was doing night wakings at weekends.

He's a twat. You need to pull him up sharply since his refusal to do his share means it gets dumped on you, someone he professes to love and care for. He's a twat.