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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be livid with DH over night wakings

166 replies

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 08:19

DH and I have had a system, since DD was about 4 months old, that I cover any night wakings from Sun-Thurs and DH does Fri and Sat. I am currently SAHP with a small bit of freelance work, and DH is wfh. This is clear and never been questioned. We revert to taking it in turns every other night when on holiday and had a holiday over Christmas. But this week we have been back to normal with me on "night wakings duty" since Sunday.

DD is 18 months but having a sleep regression and nightmares requiring us to rock her back to sleep. I have been up 3 nights this week for a number of hours. Last night (Fri) she cried but DH kept sleeping. After I while I patted him and alerted him to get crying. He said it didn't sound too bad so he wouldn't be getting up. She got worse and worse until long story short after 30 minutes I told him to go and look after his daughter. (I know I could have gone but I just felt like it was his responsibility and it's not fair on me.) he then started saying that he didn't remember this rule about him doing weekend night wakings. This was utter rubbish as we've done it for the whole time. But he kept saying he wouldn't go.

In the end I was fuming and told him so. He went in her room and picked her up but she was screaming by now. After a few minutes I looked in and her had her sat up - as if he wasn't even trying to cradle her back to sleep. She saw me and called for me so in the end of course I ended up looking after her. She was really upset and it took me 2 hours to get her back down, plus she woke again an hour later.

My back has been in muscle spasm this week due to lifting her and the buggy, and DH knows this too and knows I need to rest my back this weekend.

I'm still fuming! He's now having his lie in, as we each get one lie in at weekends. I was tempted to switch the light on at 6.30 and start debating whether it's really ever been agreed that we each get a lie in, but I didn't.

How do I handle this today?

OP posts:

Nomorecoco · 08/01/2022 09:09

I have similar issues, and when he refuses and tries to go back to sleep I make sure to make enough noise to keep us both awake. I've kicked him out to sleep on the sofa sometimes too.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 08/01/2022 09:10

@GoodnightGrandma

I was a SAHP and my DH never got up once in the night or morning. He made it such hard work that it was easier to do it myself !

It's not a competition as to whose husband is the most useless.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 08/01/2022 09:10

The fact he was denying the agreement would send me round the bend.

However you went in to the room when you didn’t need to and made the decision to stay. That bit you had control of.

Im2022 · 08/01/2022 09:11

How to handle: You need to “remind” him of your routine. He should be alert and listening, seeing as he’s had a nice well rested sleep 🙄.

But during the moment, I would have brought the baby into bed with me and told him to p off.

LittleBearPad · 08/01/2022 09:11

I think you need to agree a new system - maybe alternating nights.

However having got him up you then didn’t agree with his approach and screwed your self over by going to check up on him.

You both need a different way to get her back to sleep

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 08/01/2022 09:12

If he doesn't remember the agreement maybe it's time to negotiate a new one where you alternate night wakings and he does fifty/fifty.

Does she wake every night? DH and I now have a system whereby you're on 'duty' every night until there is a disturbed one, as DS largely sleeps through unless he's ill. He was up in the night last night with an upset stomach we both got up initially (around 11 so not late) because he was very upset and had an accident, needed a shower and bed changed etc, but then DH took him into our bed and got up when he needed the toilet in the night and I went into the spare room. So it's my turn tonight.

StellaGibson118 · 08/01/2022 09:15

^ 18 months isn't too old to help your child back to sleep, people have just lost all sense of nurture.

There's a few problems here. One that he didn't get up. Two that you are clearly so spent out with him/caregiving that you let your daughter become inconsolable when you were awake just because it wasn't your turn. You need to talk to each other. Everyone gets bone-achingly tired when kids are young but neither of you should have left her that long for the sake of an argument. She likely woke up again because of how distressed she was when she went to sleep.

He 100% should have got up in the first place/much sooner, especially as he was the one getting the lie-in. My ex would do the absolutely zero attempt to get them back to sleep too, it pissed me off so much.

Original poster

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 09:18

I suppose I went into the room as she sounded so distressed. It's not her fault.

OP posts:

supersonicginandtonic · 08/01/2022 09:20

@StellaGibson118 I think You'll find I said rocking her to sleep isn't good. They're both going to end up with bad backs. They need to look at better ways. Over an hour of rocking a toddler is going to be exhausting. You can help a baby sleep without that 🙄

scaredsadandstuck · 08/01/2022 09:20

He was a twat, especially if this has been an explicit - i.e. spoken about and agreed -arrangement for the last year or more. Has it? Or is it more of an unspoken rule? Regardless you've now got an opportunity to have a proper chat and (re)agree the rules. Maybe it would be better for him and you to change things around a bit and maybe he covers one week night in exchange for a weekend. I can see after working all week (acknowledging you also have a huge job on your hands being a SAHP which isn't a mon- Fri thing) he might like to know he's got one weekend night where he's not getting up. And you might like having one week night 'off'. Essentially you need to have a chat today to sort it out and agree explicitly - put it on the fridge of you need to - who's doing what. Good luck!

Bushkin · 08/01/2022 09:22

He’s being a dick but I also wouldn’t be rocking an 28 month old for hours in the middle of the night. Does she self settle at bedtime?

LittleBearPad · 08/01/2022 09:23

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@StellaGibson118 I think You'll find I said rocking her to sleep isn't good. They're both going to end up with bad backs. They need to look at better ways. Over an hour of rocking a toddler is going to be exhausting. You can help a baby sleep without that 🙄[/quote]
This^^

Rocking an 18 month year old for an hour isn’t sustainable. A cuddle then sssh pat whilst their lying down, for example, is.

AlexanderArnold · 08/01/2022 09:24

Actually, I think he had a different perspective. Have you asked him rather than just getting angry? It sounds as if he considers that eighteen months is old enough to at least weather some crying and see if your dd will settle herself, or learn to gradually. That's not unreasonable. It may not be your approach, but if you are splitting night duties your approach can't prevail all the time and he also needs to make judgement calls.

Not on for him to question your routine in the middle of the night, but also not on for you to override his view that space to self settle is needed at this point. Or Calpol in case it's molars coming through?

pictish · 08/01/2022 09:26

I wouldn’t entertain rocking a tot for an hour in the night. I’d be looking for, and finding other solutions and did. I’m just not selfless enough to go through that nightly…not at 18 months. Providing comfort of course I did…hold for an hour, no.

MindyStClaire · 08/01/2022 09:33

Completely agree the split isn't fair - he should be doing half the nights. I have an 18 month old and WFH. I know which day is easier and it's not yours OP.

Talk to him today. My DH really loves and needs his sleep and can be a grumpy arse when I wake him to take a shift with ours. But in the cold light of day he acknowledges that and tells me not to take no for an answer during the night because he's not a dickhead and wants to pull his weight.

If it's a one off, chalk it up to a bad night and move on. If it's common or part of a bigger picture have a Conversation about it today, and book him in for Sunday night.

Original poster

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 09:34

Yeah we need to sort the sleep

OP posts:

rainbowandglitter · 08/01/2022 09:34

My first thought was why on earth are you rocking an 18 month old to sleep? That's not good for anyone's back. You need to work out a better way of sleep training your toddler.

Fraternaltwin · 08/01/2022 09:36

@supersonicginandtonic

I would be looking at addressing her sleep to be honest. 18 months is too old to be holding and rocking a child Back to sleep. You're both gonna end up with bad backs. I'd start looking at gentle ways of her learning to self sooth. Also wouldn't it make more sense for you both to get a lie in and do a night shift per weekend?

This. You’re making a rod for your own back doing this. Made even worse by your selfish gaslighting husband.

I would show him this thread. I might make him think about his behaviour.

Flickflak · 08/01/2022 09:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Idontbelieveit14 · 08/01/2022 09:39

With regards to her waking, there’s no shame if you are knackered/in pain in taking her into your bed. I have 3 children and with the first two who are now teenagers everyone was obsessed with babies/toddlers being able to self soothe and sleep training. I spent hours on the bedroom floor waiting for them to go to sleep. Child number 3 is 5. He came in our bed, game changer!

BoodleBug51 · 08/01/2022 09:43

In the nicest way, your issue is your DD's sleep. You shouldn't be rocking a child of that age, you'll end up with a knackered back. The greatest gift you can teach your child is to settle themselves to sleep. Our 1st was so horrendous a sleeper that I couldn't endure it with our other 2 and we were much much better with routines and settling. We ended up doing the Supernanny routine of going in, talking quietly, and then backing away. You have to be on the same page, write down what you're doing and stick at it.... but it really does work.

Then neither of you will be so knackered and life gets much easier.

MindyStClaire · 08/01/2022 09:43

I wouldn’t entertain rocking a tot for an hour in the night. I’d be looking for, and finding other solutions and did.

An hour is a short shift here, she sleeps through I'd say more than half the time, but if she's up it's for two hours minimum. Three last night. Not all rocking, but plenty of that, and back rubbing, sitting by the cot etc. Her sister was the same at the same age and it stopped pretty much the moment her last tooth came through. Shite sleep before 2 is common, if unpleasant, and I don't think all babies can necessarily be trained out of it, or not easily anyway.

OP's husband has a baby who wants comfort and a wife who is exhausted. He supposedly loves both these people more than anyone in the world - why the fuck can't he get out of bed and do his share?

Original poster

HolidayLovers · 08/01/2022 09:44

Thanks, we've tried bringing her into our bed but she's unfamiliar with it as we never Co-slept and she just goes bananas and starts crawling everywhere and going doolally!

I need to train her to self settle. Due to the first year of her life being in lockdown I spent a lot of time at home with her and somehow ended up cradling her to sleep every night.

Don't get me wrong, she's spent months sleeping through the night 12 hours, so she can self settle. It's just that right now she's having nightmares or molars.

OP posts:

rocky1914 · 08/01/2022 09:45

The whole "I don't remember having that conversation" is gaslighting at its finest. It's horrible because, some people are so good at it, you actually start to believe what they're saying. It's messed up and you shouldn't be having to deal with this, on top of having a new baby to look after.

Sleep regressions are a nightmare. I'm with you on that one. It shouldn't be being made worse for you by your DP though. He's doing the whole gaslighting thing because he's tired and doesn't want to get up and deal with the baby. It's really that simple. My DH was the same. Which is why I think it's hilarious that he now wants us to have another child. Not happening 😒

One thing that did jump out at me in your post though ...you left an 18mo baby in their cot in the middle of the night by themselves in another room ...screaming?

Sorry OP. That doesn't sit right with me at all. I get why you stayed in the bed, you wanted him to get his arse up, keep his word and stick to the schedule you'd agreed upon. I totally get that. But if I'd realised DP wasn't moving after 5 minutes, I'd have been in DC's room like a shot. That makes me feel a little uncomfortable knowing you left DC for that long.

But, not my business and I'm nobody to judge you. Just expressing my opinion.

Nevertheless, yes, he is gaslighting you and yes, you deserve better than this. Best of luck OP

StellaGibson118 · 08/01/2022 09:49

@Flickflak

She does it because you both reward her with cuddles and rocking. I’d be broken after that long as well! But middle of the night is not the time for your DH to be changing the program….

Oh yes rewarding with cuddles, what a monster! Or maybe she does it because she's 18 months, going through a developmental leap, and wants comfort from her parents which is absolutely fine?? She's been in the world for 18 months!! Have you always slept alone and never woken up?

Convenience parenting these days really winds me up. It's all about depriving children of their needs because the parent, who decided to have the child, believes theirs are more important and the child must be taught not to wake them up.

These are phases, they pass for most children and often coincide with developmental changes. Each one of my children had the comfort they needed when they asked for it, and when they felt secure enough they slept in their own beds. It's all normal but our culture would have you believe you're a mug for having a child who wakes up.

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