to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

Well the first year is awfully tough.

Can you see your GP, you might find medication helps
Can you go back to work earlier - say March to give you time to get organised?
Either way, could you put the baby in nursery a couple half days a week to get some space?
Are you BF? Switching to bottles might work better for you.
Is your P giving you a break at the weekend? And is he doing his fair share in the house?

@anon182

some days I think I could have depression, as the only escape i can see from this misery is suicide. but what kind of monster does that to their baby? I love him too much to leave him but I feel like I can't stay. most days are like wading through treacle.

I am so jealous of men who can just walk away and are, at worst, mildly scorned. I know that I am the problem, I just can't get rid of me easily.

Having said a few comments back that I agree with you, in that you can just not enjoy parenting a small baby without being depressed…this is a bit more troubling. If suicide is even entering your radar please, please speak to your GP.

Overall, I'd describe motherhood as a type of emotional, physical and economical slavery.

I laughed at this, it's classic.

Then wondered why I'm laughing given the economic side (and even the other two).

The thing is, we're held to higher standards than any time previously. During my.childhood, children played in the street and further afield (we roamed for miles) etc for many hours a day. There were very few clubs or child centred activities etc.

Im my parents time (and a little bit in mine) older siblings were made responsible for younger ones.

Both of those would be considered irresponsible & unsafe now.

I recently went to the cinema and soft play area with a fellow Mum and kids, after thr film, slashes, popcorn, ice cream, crisps etc and then the soft play, her elder child (5) declared it the "worst day ever!!!" because she was denied cash to throw into the machines with the useless tat inside little platic balls at a pound a pop. This wingeing & complaining continued as we were going to our cars ..... they are fkg ruined as well.

*slushies

The "standards" we're held to are much higher, and their expectations and entitlement is much higher.

As someone mentioned thete also used to be a lot more informal, natural support & relief fir mums from relatives, friends, neighbours etc. Now ppl are so much more isolated, and such support is seen differently ; its seen as using people, and also the parents become paranoid about ulterior motives or risks from the carers in a way they wouldn't have in my parents generation.

I think lots of us don't understand that the 'drive' to have a child is often really just an incredibly strong desire to comply with societal norms. And the reality of the experience makes us unhappy. Lots of women don't ever want children and have perfectly fulfilled lives. Being a parent is a choice you don't have to make. But once you've made it you have a duty of care to your child.

*not saying the latter is totally wrong incidentally; there was some child abuse because parents were naive and trusting re other people looking after their kids/their kids being in other people's homes etc.

@anon182 I had horrific pre-natal anxiety and depression. It was so bad I had to go and see the special psychiatrist once a week. I was very cooly and calmly planning to kill myself once I'd had DS. I was almost clinical about it and it seemed entirely logical at the time. Just to be clear - I really, really, REALLY hated being pregnant, but I was also clinically depressed as fuck and in the middle of a major depressive episode.

Go and talk to your doctor - you might still not like being a Mum, but wanting to kill
Yourself is an indicator of something much more dangerous (to you, I don't think you're a danger to your baby).

Anyway, since it was pre-natal, as soon as I had DS it was like someone flicked a switch and the depression and anxiety went away. I still didn't like the newborn phase - I was tired and bored out of my tree and went back to work early. But I didn't want to kill my self at any point. Still had to see the shrink once a week though, until they were sure I wasn't going to chuck myself off a building.

DS is 2.5 now and an excellent feral sidekick, but I still look back at my pregnancy and shudder.

Donkeys years ago there was an Emmerdale storyline where Bernice left Ashley and their DD and when he said “you just have postnatal depression” she said something that has since resonated with me - “I’m the only woman in the world who wishes she had postnatal depression, but it’s not that, I just don’t want to be a mum”. I think that’s true for so many women

Just remembered, before that in Emmerdale there was a storyline where a mum hated being a mum and wanted out..IIRC she left child with dad and left the country.I can't remember the characters names though.

According to anthropologists, humans evolved with alloparenting, communal parenting, shared care. Our brains and nervous systems aren't designed for this isolated, intense, prolonged parenting.
Where did it all go wrong? How did we get here?
Maybe a wish fulfillment for males who want the safety net of a substitute mother in their wives; a type of mate guarding where the women is kept very busy with children, and the male entitlement of wanting someone else to do the boring bits of life like childcare so they can use the base of the home to further themselves, progress and have a fulfilling life...
All achieved through culture.
Meanwhile unfulfilled women bring up the next generation.

Having a baby is bloody hard work and relentless and it changes everything in your life instantly. The baby days are so demanding but also monotonous. Hopefully you'll find it gets better as they get older and more independent and you can actually enjoy doing things rather than just providing care.
In the meantime can you bring forward your return to work date? Having that childcare setting to give you a break from being on duty as mum 24/7 could be just what you need. I definitely enjoyed the freedom my return to work offered - even just nipping to the shops in my lunch break and not having to pack a bag with a million things and lug a buggy out of the boot.

@Joystir59

I think lots of us don't understand that the 'drive' to have a child is often really just an incredibly strong desire to comply with societal norms. And the reality of the experience makes us unhappy. Lots of women don't ever want children and have perfectly fulfilled lives. Being a parent is a choice you don't have to make. But once you've made it you have a duty of care to your child.

Complete agree with this. A lot of parenting is anting to comply with social norms dress up as 'maternal instinct' which a lot of the time is bollocks, I believe it to be true for many but there also a lot of women that think it's biological and really it's just wanting to fit in a follow the crowd

also the parents become paranoid about ulterior motives or risks from the carers in a way they wouldn't have in my parents generation.

And this but it's to the point where many have become irrational and actually arrogant in thinking no one else but them is good enough to care for their child.

I felt like this OP. I remember my daughter being about 3 weeks old and it was the middle of the night in November. I remember putting her down in her Moses basket as I just couldn't settle her, everything I did made it worse, my boyfriend was nightshift so I was home alone. So I put her down and went through to the back door and had a cigarette. And I remember standing there just crying and thinking to myself 'what the fuck have I done?'

I was only 21 and to be honest I didn't enjoy motherhood for a long time, I found it dull, monotonous, exhausting and hard bloody work. I wasn't diagnosed with PND because I wasn't depressed, I just really didn't enjoy being a mum and felt like I'd made a massive mistake. Did I love her? Well yes, I suppose I did because she was mine but I didn't really feel any love. Did I protect her? Yes I did. But I hated every moment.

When she started school things really began to change. She is 8 now - primary 4 and oh my god, I LOVE being her mum now, it's an absolute joy and pleasure everyday. It's like having a little best friend with me most of the time. We still have her moments, she thinks she's 18 so we have our disagreements but I am so so thankful for her. I feel the rush of love that everyone says you experience when they're first born. No that didn't happen for me, and it didn't all happen at once, it built gradually since she turned 5 years old. But now I think it has reached capacity and I can confidently say I am bursting with love for her. Being a mum is the best thing in my life and was completely worth the shitty 5 years. I really never expected to feel like this but I'm so glad I do.

I know I'm not really answering your question but just wanted to share my experience that things will get better and it might not even take as long as I did.

Well I enjoy it a lot more now (7+) but one DC is exhausting. I still constantly tell DH I wish I'm dead since my work insurance payout will comfortably afford DH a new wife with unlimited help like cleaner, cook, babysitter, or boarding school. I think about surefire ways to die and not wind up with a disability. I have a morbid sense of humour. There is relentless banality in childcare and housekeeping. It is not depression or PND.

I'm quiet, introverted and self centred by nature (loved travelling and adventure sports pre kids, didn't like team sports liked doing my own thing) so never had the patient, self sacrificial, nurturing doting... maternal instinct so many other mums seem to have.

Today I was in a public toilet and there were 2 mums standing over their kids in the cubicle then nagging them to wash their hands, just fussing over them non stop... it drove me nuts. Everywhere I go, mums just keep talking and nagging in that "mumsy voice", it irritates me.

I felt similar with mine, too : I could see she was cute, knew family and friends and DH loved her... but to me, she was just a random baby and my life had become tiny and dull, there was no way out (if I had her adopted then no one would forgive me...), I didn’t actually want to die but couldn’t see what other options were there. I didn’t think it was pnd, it seemed like a sensible response to having a shite everyday life and big enough sleep.

I had a drunken lunch with a friend when I confessed how I felt (and it felt like a guilty secret), who I will be forever grateful to. It wasn’t what she said or what she did, but she made me feel like myself again and helped to keep it that way.

OP, maybe it’s a rational response to realising your life has changed and being knackered, or maybe it’s pnd. It doesn’t matter - what matters is that you find ways to start to feel a bit better.

YANBU at all. I had PND with DC1 that I took ages to understand as to all intents and purposes I was 'coping' with everything but I couldn't bear it - being stuck caring for this baby who cried all the time and hated being put down and was a terrible sleeper, having few mum friends because I was the first of my friends to have children, being skint thanks to maternity leave, never getting a moment to myself. I am a massive introvert and I felt like I had lost myself. I have never enjoyed the 6 months-3 stage tbh. It is relentless particularly if you have non-sleepers. I remember when DC2 was about 1 I used to wake up every Saturday with this feeling of utter dread that we had two days with them to fill. The fact everything is such a mission. The crying, whining, the constant falling over when you go out for a walk, the having to be a slave to naps, the tantrums. Once mine got to 3-4ish it was such a relief. But the relentlessness and giving up quite a bit of yourself doesn't change. For me, having a job I love definitely helps (I work FT). The stigma of feeling guilty that you don't love the little child stage is so real though. My MIL can play with toddlers in the house for hours while I can't help clock watching because I find it such an ordeal!

@SunscreenCentral

I watched The Lost Daughter (Olivia Coleman, directed by Maggie Gyllenhall) on Netflix last night.

I reminded me very much of the early days of motherhood when I felt so lost and drowned by it.

It's a massive adjustment OP, go easy on yourself and take each day (or hour, sometimes) as it comes. Don't strive for perfection, it doesn't exist.

I watched it recently and it really struck a chord with me. I don’t know what I thought about it other than it captivated my emotions fully and I empathised and understood everything

I am “lucky” in that I didn’t have PND, I was overjoyed to have kids and nothing was too much for them.

But YY to the slavery bit- when I had the first I was a manager and my career has never recovered. The father would let me down whenever it suited him; costing me a few jobs. When he left I was shamed as a single mum. The judgement ALL the time- iss the house clean enough, is all the homework done, are they clean, polite angels etc. I have spent the whole time working ft doing all the cooking and cleaning, spending almost every penny I earn while the dad pays a pittance and turns up when he feels like it. The courts don’t help- they waste money and achieve nothing. The kids are old enough now to decide who they want to see anyway. There has never been a day when I didn’t feel it was worth it- but it REALLY didn’t need to be so hard. Down to having to work extremely long hours due to low pay which is die to having to attend every meeting because the father won’t.

I just watched The Lost Daughter on Netflix, the parts with the young kids hassling her sent a shiver down my spine & I didn't have Pnd, It reminded me how exhausting and relentless it is, we all feel it

I doubt OP will still be around but I wonder how you are doing now that it's been quite a few months. Sending good wishes.