to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

It's tricky because, for those mums who do suffer from PND, it's really important that this is recognised in time and they receive the treatment and support they need. Which is why, when you express these feelings, everyone starts talking about PND.

But I agree with you OP that some women aren't cut out for motherhood and this also needs to be recognised and brought out into the open.

I felt very similar to you with my first. I remember feeling nothing when she was born. I looked after her as I was meant to but I felt like I resented her for changing my life and I was always trying to put her down instead of hold/cuddle her as she made me feel so claustrophobic.

I remember looking up PND but apart from no bond, I didn't have any of the other signs. I wasn't tearful, I wasn't depressed. I was just really struggling with saying goodbye to my old life and starting a new one that meant I had absolutely no time to myself & where I was suddenly completely unimportant.

The feeling never left me until I had my 2nd child 2.5 years later. I just suddenly accepted that my old life and the old me was completely over. It was quite a relief in a weird way as I had been fighting so hard to return to my old life but realised that option was 100% gone.

I wish I had had some help with the bond though. She is now 4 and she isn't very cuddly at all and is very independent and doesn't seem t overly "need" me. I think that stems from how I acted towards her. With my 2nd it was so different. The bond came immediately and it was then that I realised something had been wrong with my feelings the first time round.

I completely agree that it doesn't necessarily mean it's PND but I would speak with a doctor regarding the bond. I don't know if anything can actually be done to fix that issue but I wish I had sought help for it. I still resent my eldest to this day and I wonder if it could have been prevented and if I could have really bonded with her at some point.

@TR888 Hear, hear.

Op, big hugs.

Babies just suck for some people. I did not enjoy my babies, with my first I definitely had feelings of “what the fuck have I done!” I just felt I ruined my life and never had the rush of love they talk about.

But then she got older and I had a second for reasons not relevant here but now I have a 5 and a 2 year old and (not that this will be the same for you, but you never know) they are just my world. I don’t miss my old life, the thought of life without them just seems pointless and joyless. I know that life without children is far from joyless, but for me now Iv had them, nothing but them will do.

I choose to take my eldest with me for the day I went into town or to browse the shops, or before my partner would have them whilst I went to watch a film and get a break but I choose and pay to watch god awful kids films at the cinema with her because I love her company.

5 years ago with a baby and would never have dreamed this is how it would have turned out. I was sure I was a shitty person who would have to fake love and maternal instincts so that I didn’t fuck up her life.

I know this isn’t everyone’s experience but it’s just out there in case it resonates with anyone.

I felt the same! I used to say, being depressed is the only sane response to this situation. My baby cried and cried (sounds from the shhing yours might, too?). We had no help at it was the very start of the pandemic. We were trapped in our house with a very unhappy child and I would hold my baby with years streaming down my face, hoping that they wouldn't remember.

But I'm here to tell you it gets better - SO MUCH BETTER. You won't always feel like this, I promise. Hang in there

I think young babies are very hard work .In the early days in particular ,it can seem like one exhausting round of feeding ,changing nappies and endless comforting . I think many women feel similarly .Add on broken nights, and recovering after giving birth ,and it all seems overwhelming at times.Are there any Mother and baby groups you could join? The chance to chat to other mums is invaluable IMO.The NCT groups were so good to make friends (Still friends now!)

I felt the same. Wasn't depressed in the slightest, just needed regular time away from the baby. No family help.
They went to nursery pt at four and five months each time and I went back to work. Felt 100% better instantly.
Now 19 and 16 and never a single regret. We're all bonded well,enough and my pension looks great.

I found the baby stage very hard, constantly thinking OMG what have I done as the bomb threatened to go off again. Not helped because I slipped up on contraception and no2 came along 13 months later and I just found it hard to get to grips with another one coming along so fast after the first one. Turned out the first baby was a doddle, the second one not so much.
It got easier and easier the older they got as they became able to communicate their needs. I think it's not that unusual.

Hi op
What you're feeling is perfectly normal it's a HUGE adjustment and you DO get used to the constant drained feeling ( I had a baby 6 months ago so I do empathize)
Think as parents we all find it relentless sometimes but know that your not alone x

I'm going to say something. You're right. It's shit. Forget about mental health and blah blah blah... it's shit. And you're allowed to say it.

I too, found babyhood a pile of shite. I hated every day. I was sleep deprived, sick of changing nappies, sick of being alone. And yes, I was and am incredibly lonely cos nobody in the real world seems to hear you or me when we express our feelings. "Oh but you wouldn't be without them, you love them so much." Oh yes, I do but yes, I could so so happily undo it all and run back to a life that didn't revolve around a small human.

I would, however, suggest gently that you speak to a GP though. Can you answer the PPs previous questions regarding support, job and family and then that'll help us figure out what to suggest?

Solidarity. It takes strength to speak the truth. I hear you.

@hoomae - I mean this with no judgement at all, but I would urge you to seek some therapy regarding the bond with your elder child. Especially as you describe still resenting her, I think it's absolutely imperative you try and repair any damage as much as possible (obv I can't tell the extent of this from your post, but it is likely and she will no doubt be aware at some level of the difference in your relationship with your younger child). You've reflected on this courageously and seem pretty aware - but your child is still young and it wouldn't be right to just accept it as the way things have gone.

With both my children I didn’t start feeling “back to normal” till both were around two years old respectively. I expected it with my 2nd child so just ploughed through but with my first it seemed to just be endless foggy drudgery even though I loved him very much. Having my children was the best thing I have ever done and I wouldn’t change a thing but I the adjustment was very hard and I have always tried to be honest with friends who ask me what it is like and to tell them about the two year time period. I think women are expected to adjust far more quickly to motherhood and the total life change it brings, far too quickly.

I was diagnosed with PND with both my children. I kind of agree with you though as I felt no better with anti-depressants, it just made the days a bit more bearable. My kids are now 6 and 8, and it’s only now I think this is ok. Until now, it’s been hell, I haven’t enjoyed it. I think I’m just not a maternal person. I love my children and would do anything for them, but in all honesty, I probably shouldn’t have had children.

My little girl is 2. I love her more then anything but if i knew how hard it was going to be and if i had my time again i wouldnt have her. Im also one of the lucky ones, have wonderful family who dote on her and i work full time and shes in nursery 5 days a week.
I just dont think im really cut out for being a mum. Nevertheless will give her the best child hood i can and we are having no more children!

It is relentless and exhausting OP. It doesn't even need to be depression to be overwhelmed sometimes. Every parent brings different strengths. Yours doesn't have to be babies to be good at parenting (and baby is a very short phase anyway).

Get a break, get a rest. Get yourself meeting people and things move on. Different challenges come and go. at night especially it's a lonely business. But out there are tons of others going through it too.

@WeWashEverythingExceptLaundry
I completely agree with you.

My partner brought up that he noticed I'm very short with my eldest child and that I snap at her quite quickly. I have so much patience with my youngest. I was honest for the first time last week and admitted that I hadn't bonded with her. I try so, so hard to treat them the same but I know that, at times, it is obvious that I have more of a bond with my youngest.

You are absolutely right in that she will notice the difference in the way that I act towards them. I have considered getting some help with this and I will look in to it. I have no idea where to start but I know that o need to.

Your post has made me realise that I really do need to work on this as she is still young enough for me to change & seek help. X

I agree. PND does exist.

But not every new mother having an awful time adjusting/baby name regret/feeling sad has PND.

My theory is that PND is caused mainly by lack of social support; with sleep deprivation and hormones an extra little fuck you. We are social animals and have evolved to raise these tiny helpless babies in groups; our offspring are much more labour intensive for longer than other mammals and would have traditionally had all the women in the village rallying round, bringing wholesome food to eat, caring for older children. Then we would have gone back to our tasks in the community when we were physically able to with our infants, while our older children played in big groups.

In todays society a single family unit is wholly responsible for the care of a baby. It is incredibly isolating and no wonder women get depressed. I’d love to know if PND is a thing in traditional/collectivist cultures today.

I think it’s situational rather than hormonal in some cases

It’s a big change and impact on women is sometimes underestimated

@musicalfrog

What if you love being a mum but you're still feeling depressed?

I think your question is problematic.

This was me.

First child - no issues

Second child - first 2 months absolute bliss and loving it. By 3 months he was sleeping 9 hours at night.
I started feeling terrible. I would wake up every morning and think 'I cant believe I have to go through another day' and couldnt wait to go back to bed. I thought it would be better to just die. It didnt feel like anything to do with DS, he was a lovely baby and I was getting enough sleep.

So off I went to my GP with this beautiful quiet little baby in my arms and told him how I was feeling. It felt like nothing to do with the baby or parenthood, it was just me and my body.

I agree with the OP as I know people like this within my family. On the other hand, I had two episodes of severe postnatal psychosis and the worst thing about it was that despite the illness I knew I loved my babies and loved the routine of being a mother, but couldn’t enjoy it or feel I was expressing my love or coping adequately in any way because of the anxiety and paranoia. That was awful and made me feel suicidal.
Suitable medication, time and (in my case) ECT fixed it in the end. I was lucky in that I had good medical and family support, otherwise the outcome might have been very different
So TL;DR, it’s also possible to have a postnatal illness but actually to love being a mother.

@hoomae - if finances allow, I would IIWY see privately (as NHS waiting lists are likely to be horrendous) an accredited psychotherapist in psychodynamic or person-centred therapy - if possible with a specialism in mother-child bonding, or perhaps family therapy.

It's great that your partner has felt able to talk to you about it and utterly fantastic (and rarer than you might think) that you have been able to reflect honestly - that is the first and perhaps hardest step and the best foundation for working towards a real change and helping both you and your daughter.

I think I would always get PND because I just hate the baby stage. I hate feeling so depended on, I feel tied down, I miss my own space, and my evenings and sleep especially. It got much easier for me as they got older and I got those things back, I'm giddy at the thought of DS1 starting high school and getting himself to school! I haven't hated it for a very long time, I do find parts of it a drudge but there's a lot more enjoyment with it as they get older.

I don't think I will ever be one of those women dreading an empty nest though...

My first two were born less than a year apart and I honestly felt like my life had been ripped out from under me. It was such a strange feeling. As if I'd been taken from my own life and plonked into another, it felt so alien to me. Don't get me wrong, I loved and adored my babies but I felt so lost. Looking back I have always thought maybe I had pnd. But I think it was possibly just the shock of the huge life change. And at the start it seems like such a long long road.
I used to see other mums just casually sailing through, making it look and seem to easy and natural, and it really wasn't for me.
I've got to say though that it just clicked for me one day. Around the time they went to school I think.

The isolation of modern motherhood can be difficult. People are more spread out now; families more fractured. When my mother had me, there were always female friends and relatives around. Now everyone has moved off to different parts of the country and world, communities have broken down.