to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

I had ups and downs with my first. But in hindsight, I definitely had some pnd with the second. I was convinced that I'd somehow got the wrong baby- and that she was going to die, because I wasn't meant to have her. It didn't help that she didn't sleep at night and was a v v unhappy baby. I felt nothing for her for weeks, and felt like I'd ruined dc1's life. I also got quite paranoid (totally unfounded) about what dh was up to at work.

But I ticked all the right boxes on the hv questionnaires, even though I knew i was lying my arse off, and they left me to it. It was only later, that I looked back at my thought at the time and thought, yeah, that wasn't right.

This is an interesting point and I agree! I decided early on that DD would be one and done because I cannot do all this again. I love her and I love being a mum (in the technical sense) but not the mind-numbing, soul destroying relentlessness that goes into being a mum on a daily basis. Obviously having a baby during covid made it worse because so many activities are closed or just on the wrong side of common sense.

It's basically the endless pandemic experience where people expected things to get better or go back to normal but it never does. You keep looking towards the next milestone (more sleep, no more teething, weaning, walking, talking) thinking that might give you a tiny slice of your old life back but it's never how you imagine. It's wonderful of course to see the progression but new problems keep replacing the old ones and it's probably going to be like that for a long time.

The other thing that makes me secretly rage is how people expect mums to be fully rested and refreshed after a tiny break for themselves. Yes, you can get gifted a spa day once a year or have a few hours of nursery, but that doesn't magically counteract the endless hours of drudgery, mental load, physical work and everything else. Mums end up gaslighting themselves by believing they should be grateful for the tiny crumbs of rest that they are given, and then feel guilty about why they still don't feel refreshed. This is the point when most assume they have PND and go on medication.

The typical work week is designed for you to have 5 days of work (albeit only 8 hours, a full lunch break and another 8 hours free in the evening) followed by a full weekend of rest. I can't remember the last time I had anything close to that schedule. Weekends are even worse than weekdays because there's more time to fill and most playgrounds or shops are full of people. I can objectively see how any human put into that kind of grinding, relentless work mode for several years with no weekends or evening rest will invariably develop symptoms of depression. I fully believe it's situational because the idea of having 5 half days for myself when toddler DD goes to school makes me want to cry tears of joy. Or the idea she will be old enough to go to a friends house on the weekend and not require 24-7 supervision to prevent mess or injury.

@Anycrispsleft

I don't know if there is an actual recognisable mental illness separate from just simple unhappiness at how life is in that first year, but in any case yes I agree there are definitely people diagnosed/fobbed off with a PND diagnosis when they are actually just really unhappy. I wouldn't characterise it as being unhappy about being a mum though. Imagine what it might be like if for example please you and your DP were doing 50% of the childcare each, and 50% of your nornal job. How would you feel about it then? But our society dumps all the childcare and the sleep deprivation, the loneliness and loss of connections and identity through (temporary) loss of the job role, all of the woman. Even when you give birth. All the skin to skin, baby-focused policies mean that nobody helps you take care of the baby when you're recovering from the birth. It's not like that in other countries. I live in Germany and my friends here enjoyed 5 days of resting up while a nurse took the babies and settled them at night (they would bring them to be fed). In the UK you have to fend for yourself and all the baby-centred stuff makes you sound selfish if you try to take care of your own needs.

Some people love every minute of child rearing, some people have good times and bad times, some never really get along with it, but whatever your feelings, be in no doubt that it is work, 12 hours a day and then god knows how many in the night. You don't have to enjoy it.

This, this!! I wholeheartedly agree that a lot of the problem is that again the sexist society we live in makes mothers out to be 'bad mothers' if we are doing anything less than 90 percent of the work involved in raising a child. Particularly in the early stages.

This present so many issues.

Like the poster above said, imagine if your DH did 50 percent of the care would you still hate it?

If I were you and if it's an option I would be insisting on 50/50. Whatever cannot be 50/50 consider paying for help to give yourself some rest if you have the finances to do so.

You don’t have to take a years mat leave if you don’t want to. I took 7 months off for both of mine. With DD I loved going back to work as I felt like I had finally reclaimed a part of the old me.

I had two years of hell OP, two years of WTF, two years of misery - I have no idea if it was PND or hating motherhood. Then it got better, a year where things started to improve (with the exception of potty training!) and since then I've had 12 years of pretty wonderful. When looking after a baby is that miserable, having a teen is a breeze. I would take a 15 year old teen over a baby any day of the year.

My advice would be, don't have another child!!! Sounds obvious but you'd be amazed at how many people do that expecting a different outcome with the next one. Also don't assume the way you feel now is going to last forever (as I did) kids do get more interesting as they get older! Fake it till you make it - find things to love and appreciate about them even if it's popping in to see them sleeping soundly. Tell them you love them all the time. Remember - this is a shit time all round to have a baby with covid everywhere and so much closed but get out as much as you can if possible to combat the loneliness. Look after yourself!!!

Toddlers are much more fun than babies and Preschoolers are even better. Lots of people are obsessed by the baby stage but I love it as they get older and develop their own personalities more

YANBU - I think some people do hate particular stages without having PND - but I also think the stages don't last. So if you hate the newborn stage you might like the older baby stage etc

Also I totally get the feeling of being tethered to something else, or not being the old you...as much as I loved bfing and mat leave I also loved going back to work because it was like, I'm back in the world again! I belong to myself again!

PND exists.

I had it because my body is extremely intolerant to progesterone. For me, progesterone is essentially poison.

When DD1 was born I knew something was very, very wrong before we even left the hospital. I felt I was slowly falling down a black well, with no bottom. The feelings of despair were overwhelming. For me it was purely a chemical imbalance which was only partially relieved by ADs. I believe if I had been correctly treated with high dosage oestrogen then I would have made a full recovery very quickly.

peaceanddove that's interesting. I went straight on progesterone only pill after dc2. But then again, think I did with dc1 too. I know it wasn't good though. And now I'm hitting peri menopause, it's obvious to me when my oestrogen dips during the month.

I used to think this when I had PND and I don't anymore. Conclude what you like about that, I'm only one person after all. I can see there are people who genuinely hate being parents though and they take to things like drugs/drink or spending as little time as they can with their children as a result. Then there are ones who quietly muddle through keeping it all in but show it in ways that the child picks up on.

Mine are aged between 5-9 now and I like being their mum atm. They are easier for a start, I really don't like the baby stage. My anxiety didn't cope well with all the constant floor mess and endless washing and taking 3 hours to get out of the house. I struggle with executive function and having young children absolutely smashed it to pieces and I didn't know who I was or where I was half the time. I wanted to be me again so desperately, and it was hard because my closest friend is all about her children even now they are older. I felt like there was something wrong with me and she kept hinting I shouldn't work as it would let them down putting them into childcare. I wish I had been in a part time role now, it'd have saved my sanity not just being a relentless bum wiper and smush cleaner all day long.

From about 4 each of my children got easier, though my middle one has a disability so not easy but just easier. You might feel better as your LO gets older. I hope you do.

I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

Agree with this 100%. I don't enjoy being a mum; never have. It just isn't for me. I don't have "low mood", I'm not depressed about my life in general. I still make an effort to parent DS in the best way I know how and I recognise now that I do love him (though didn't necessarily feel this for the first year or so of his life). Working full time is what gives my life the balance I need to make things bearable day to day. I'll never have any more DC.

I think people expect it's going to be more like getting a new iPhone than being hit by a bus.

*I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

In my view, this is due to the heavily ingrained belief that motherhood is a "natural" state of womanhood. It simply is not. Whilst is common to enjoy being a mum and to love your child, many mums feel differently. The problem is, there's no easy solution when you don't want to be a mum. The lack of escape is often what causes psychological issues, rather than the dislike of the mother role itself.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues*

This with bells on.

@Thickasmincepie

peaceanddove that's interesting. I went straight on progesterone only pill after dc2. But then again, think I did with dc1 too. I know it wasn't good though. And now I'm hitting peri menopause, it's obvious to me when my oestrogen dips during the month.

When I started the peri menopause it felt just like my PND had returned, even though both DDs were at secondary school.

I tried a couple of the tablet forms of HRT and was fine on the estrogen only pills, but within 24 hours of taking the combined estrogen + progesterone pills it felt like I was losing my mind. It was really frightening at the time.

@TR888

I disagree with the previous poster. I think it's perfectly possible to dislike being a mum - even to not love your child - and not have PND. The assumption seems to be that if you want out of your mother's role, then you must be either out of your mind with exhaustion, or mentally ill.

In my view, this is due to the heavily ingrained belief that motherhood is a "natural" state of womanhood. It simply is not. Whilst is common to enjoy being a mum and to love your child, many mums feel differently. The problem is, there's no easy solution when you don't want to be a mum. The lack of escape is often what causes psychological issues, rather than the dislike of the mother role itself.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues.

This. No one screams PND at men when they walk away or decide its not for them theyve had enough or simply dont want to be involved. Im with you OP. I love my son but u have had really challenging periods where i regret having a baby. Now with new partner and he agrees no more kids he has one as do i and he loves his DD but if he could go back he wouldnt have kids.

@Thickasmincepie

I had ups and downs with my first. But in hindsight, I definitely had some pnd with the second. I was convinced that I'd somehow got the wrong baby- and that she was going to die, because I wasn't meant to have her. It didn't help that she didn't sleep at night and was a v v unhappy baby. I felt nothing for her for weeks, and felt like I'd ruined dc1's life. I also got quite paranoid (totally unfounded) about what dh was up to at work.

But I ticked all the right boxes on the hv questionnaires, even though I knew i was lying my arse off, and they left me to it. It was only later, that I looked back at my thought at the time and thought, yeah, that wasn't right.

Just read your post and that awful emotional numbness is a classic symptom of progesterone intolerance. The synthetic progesterone in the POP is very strong. Absolutely fine for many women, but if you're intolerant to progesterone then it can seriously mess up your mental health while taking it.

Yes I remember thinking this when DD was a tiny baby. Just thinking “why would you have to be mentally ill to think this is crap?? I’m exhausted, my baby won’t be put down without screaming, I’m still in pain from my stitches, none of my friends have kids so I have no one to talk to, of course I’m bloody miserable!!”
And I still stand by that, I’m not miserable anymore but I can see that it would be pretty easy to hate parenting a baby or a toddler (and probably older ages too but I’ve not got there yet) without it meaning you’re depressed.

I mostly enjoy parenthood now, but my kids are 11 and 8 and I have a 7yo DSD. The baby phase is particularly difficult and you might well feel differently in the future.

I had similar thoughts and did decide to take sertraline. I thought that if it didn't help there was no harm trying. I felt better in days and wished I had sooner.

Being a mum is blooming hard work.It's Physically,mentally and emotionally draining.You give everything you have to give but they still want more.I remember those days and how much I hated it and often wished for my lovely(travelling all over the world)carefree life back.I was 30 when I had my first and was not prepared at all.My children are older now (15 and 11)and although it's far more emotionally draining,it's definitely easier.I look back on photos of when they were little and feel sad and guilty that I didn't enjoy it more.I think,looking back,my problem was I didn't take time out for me.I gave up work,I stopped going out and became "just a mum"(as one of my kids kindly told me I was once)The kindest thing you can do for yourself (and your child)is make sure you look after yourself too.Being a parent is hard,just try to make it as easy as you can,by what ever methods suit you.

Also if you have any sensory processing differences, babies are an absolute nightmare. I struggle with sounds at the best of times. It wasn't even just the crying it was all the babbling, humming etc that drove me mad too. Some babbling was cute, but I remember my first did this hmmmm noise a lot and it drove me up the wall. Even without sensory processing differences, anxiety can magnify sounds and make them overwhelming too.

Being a mum isn't a single situation. If you ask any older mother looking back she'll probably say "oh I loved the new baby stage but found the toddler years really tough" or "I adored having toddlers but ages 9-12 were a nightmare".
"Sshhing, nappies and naps" are only a very brief phase. Although if you can't find any shining moments of joy in a day with your baby (twee I know but I can't find a better way to express it) then maybe PND does seem likely.

@Andtheyalllookjustthesame

I think people expect it's going to be more like getting a new iPhone than being hit by a bus.

What a daft thing to say. Only the thickest people would think having a child is anything like getting an iPhone. Op doesn't come across as thick to me.

I selected yabu but purely because your child sounds so young with you mentioning nappies and naps. If you feel this way still when he is older than maybe yanbu.

It seems to me that you just dislike this stage which is actually really common as it's bloody tough and relentless! I have hated my life with babies and toddlers but have enjoyed it so much better as they get older. Mine are 4 ,(almost 5) and 2 (I'm just beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel after 2nd one (who was thankfully much easier than my first). Second time around it was much easier already knowing what i was doing and my life having already changed (the 1st time around is quite the culture shock!)

I could have written your post with my first (who was a difficult baby and toddler) and almost didn't have a second but it does get better! You gradually get more and more time to yourself and they start to enhance and enrich your life in ways you never imagined rather than diminish it. My life is now different but so much better in a lot of ways and I have found happiness again that is more fulfilling than it was in my old life! you will get through this op but no sugar coating from me it'll get better but it does take time until your child becomes more self sufficient.