to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

Oh please. Is OP in any frame of mind to learn a new language?

The early days are incredibly hard work and the relentlessness of it used to exhaust me.

I wasn't strong enough mentally, emotionally or physically to do it all again.
So my son is an only child, which breaks my heart a little bit, but that's the way the dice has been rolled.

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

Learn a new language 😂😂 When DD was a baby I was so exhausted I could barely remember English. And she screamed in every sling or carrier I tried, so all the advice of “just put her in a sling and go about your day” made me want to weep.

When I was in the throes of the newborn days I wanted to SCREAM for freedom, at times I felt violated when my child was feeding and I just wanted SPACE, I wanted my body back. Strapping a baby to me was mentally the last thing I needed.

'Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.'

@user1478172746 do you have children? Advice like that reminds me of something my sister would say who hasn't got a clue how demanding babies can be! They are all different and some can cry ALOT (looking at 4 yr old ds1 across the room and remembering!)

Oh and dc1 screamed blue murder in any baby carrier; hated them, wouldn't nap, hated sleep and sleep deprivation was at a point of scary hallucinating tired. None of that would have worked for me, I was lucky if I could string a sentence together!

In English!*

It gets so much easier OP! Babies are boring and it's really not enjoyable to spend any tine with them, but when your kid gets older it becomes much more fun

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

This is possibly the stupidest post I’ve ever read on mumsnet. You can’t have actually ever cared for small children.

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

Do you have kids!?!

When my DD was a baby all she wanted to do was be entertained and have my full attention all day everyday!

I had to take her to toilet with me so I could pop otherwise she would scream the house down. She hated the sling and refused to nap during the day unless I drove her up the motorway! When I went back to work when she was 7 months I fed like a broken shell of a person. I remember my first lunch break where I could sit down and I had a whole hour to myself where I could sit down a leisurely eat and properly chew my food. She’s a delight now as she can entertain herself but is still a high energy child. DS however would sit up and play with a toy contentedly for 10 mins so I could make a cup of tea!

It's basically the endless pandemic experience where people expected things to get better or go back to normal but it never does. You keep looking towards the next milestone (more sleep, no more teething, weaning, walking, talking) thinking that might give you a tiny slice of your old life back but it's never how you imagine. It's wonderful of course to see the progression but new problems keep replacing the old ones and it's probably going to be like that for a long time.

This. I was hoping it would become easier at 6 months, it didn't really.
Then I thought it would be easier when he starts sitting unsupported. I thought he would just sit and play with his toys and I could work or do whatever. Lol. I was so naive. Then I thought that once he starts crawling it will be easier because he would be able to fetch his own toys. Didn't make it much easier either.
DS is 12 months now, and I'm still hoping it will be easier at 18+ months, but 6 months of waiting feels so long because I'm already exhausted.

I don't expect my life to go back to normal, but I do want the endless screaming to stop, and to have some time to myself.
In a way, I'm glad I waited till 35 to have my first child, because I would have really-really resented this life at 20-25.

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

Lol, you are delusional.

My DS hated the ergocarrier, and he is a chunky baby so he quickly became to heavy to carry anyway.
And no, closeness doesn;t make babies happy.

I'm glad I waited till 35 to have my first child, because I would have really-really resented this life at 20-25.

I think it's easy to resent it at any age tbh. I was early 20s and the benefit I would say is I didn't know much different, and have generally taken motherhood (past the dreadful baby-toddler stage) in my stride as I had nothing to compare it to. Now I feel quite smug those days are behind me whilst my friends are starting from scratch, but I can say that as I don't resent motherhood as a whole and am enjoying my life opening up with children and sharing experiences etc, I suspect if someone ultimately regrets children it would be better to have them later but I suspect the later you have them the more of an adjustment it must be?

OP, I think you are unreasonable and way too hard on yourself.

No-one can really understand what it's like to have a child until they have one. The extent of the dependence on you... we aren't mentally ready, our brains have to rewire. Mothers say 'I've lost myself!' because they have, the person they used to be doesn't exist any more.

It's a transition. People come through. Eventually (decades later) your old self will creep back, or a version of it.

@StopStartStop but why should a person HAVE to disappear. I disagree entirely with your post. You don't have to 'lose yourself' to become a mother.

Losing yourself is in part a choice and also circumstantial depending your environment and what support network you have.

I also think we have become very much a society where everything revolves around DC or else you're considered a bad parent. It does us no favours.

I'm not saying you should. Just that many do. And it's perfectly natural.

You believe what you like, of course. And so will I.

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

I take it you have never actually cared for a baby?

I watched The Lost Daughter (Olivia Coleman, directed by Maggie Gyllenhall) on Netflix last night.

I reminded me very much of the early days of motherhood when I felt so lost and drowned by it.

It's a massive adjustment OP, go easy on yourself and take each day (or hour, sometimes) as it comes. Don't strive for perfection, it doesn't exist.

@user1478172746

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.

Have you posted this on the wrong thread? That's more like advice for a bored retired person not a frazzled mum!

Think GPs are way to quick to diagnose PND. Friend said she had it and I asked her is she just had a case of a disappointing boyfriend he still hasn't given up smoking, business idea is not paying bills, not one family photo yet! She burst into tears and said she was going to have a word with him which long term did nothing. Not doubting she is depressed but even she admitted happy with having babies and no problem bonding with them so I wouldn't say its PND.

I think some people don’t like parenting babies and toddlers which I totally get. It gets easier once they’re out of nappies and past the tantrumming age, when they go to school and depend on you less. Parenting can actually be an enjoyable experience when they’re older and it isn’t so relentless.

It’s never easy though, you’ve created someone who will rely on you in some way for the rest of your life which is a huge responsibility and can feel crushing at times. It’s difficult to predict how you’ll cope with this before they’re born because nobody actually knows how they’ll handle it until they’re in the thick of it. It may just be this stage of parenting you detest rather than parenting as a whole. It is a very short stage if that helps, passes by in a flash really.

My youngest is ten now. It's easier, sure, but I'm still tied to the home, can't have much of a social life. There is still drudgery.
I'm a single parent. Children are by nature selfish and demanding. My teen has thankfully grown out of this.
Overall, I'd describe motherhood as a type of emotional, physical and economical slavery. It can rob you of your identity and agency, a terrible place to be.
All the while, it's hard to talk about it for you know you will be judged and people may think there is something wrong with you, that you are selfish or bad.
Our culture is very cruel to mothers and it has become even worse.
Isolation, loneliness, drudgery,
judgement, responsibility.
Personally, I didn't mind the baby years so much. For me, it's that it goes on and on and on, with no escape.

Oh, it's really shit for much of the time. A friend told me the other day that (in her view anyway) the only women who genuinely love motherhood are the very dull!

@mycatisannoying

Oh, it's really shit for much of the time. A friend told me the other day that (in her view anyway) the only women who genuinely love motherhood are the very dull!

I'm sure your friend knows enough women to make that assumption.

I liked being a mum , but it can be relentless and I’m not one for sitting on the floor playing with toys or making Lego etc if I’m honest— which is why I was never a SAHM as I can enjoy ‘play’ in small doses but not hours at a time. However when it comes to feeding,, reading to them, taking them out and about— I enjoyed that.