to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

Don't understand why people say their baby is their best mate. It should be more widely accepted that babies are boring and occasionally extremely irritating and you have to try work out why they are screaming when you feel like screaming yourself. And you have to do this with a broken vagina and tits, feeling like you've run a marathon.

I was diagnosed with PND and got medication but the GP was horrid and I didn't take it. I much prefer my kids now they are older and can make me a cup of tea (only half joking).

Big un-mumsnetty hugs to you, OP.

I had extreme PND with my first to the point of attempting suicide. It was horrendous and I did not feel like I would ever love or want my baby. Becoming a mother isn't always a wonderful experience its very jarring and changes your entire life. In the thick of it dealing with nappies, feeding just the general monotony of it all feels like it will never get better. It does I promise.

Shes 16 now, wouldn't part with her and I actually went on to have another daughter which was a completely different experience. Im actually at a point in my life now where Im wrestling with feeling broody and knowing from a health/age/financial POV I can't realistically have another. Im the last person I thought would feel that way.

Its wrong how women are expected to be naturals at motherhood. Fathers aren't. I wish society was more honest about these things so women didn't feel so trapped and judged.

I felt exactly as you do when my kids were young. I wouldn't necessarily have called it pnd but I would call it depression and, yes, loneliness. Very long days spend doing things I did not enjoy, always alone. No time to even pick up a book or whatever yet days were so long, lack of sleep etc. Just miserable for me. Even the attempt to make friends at groups was exhausting and often hurtful (no-one soaking to you etc). Honestly, I'm surprised when mothers say they Don't feel this way. I still think this is depression though whatever depression. You want to call it probably doesn't matter. I would still advise speaking to your doctor. For me I think work was a good solution ( though this was complicated by my stress in the job with teaching teenagers during the day and toddlers at home - never ending). BUT a job you enjoy, around other adults, would make a huge difference. Sometimes hardly worth it with nursery fees but probably worth it for your mind even still.

These thoughts about how boring, tedious and exhausting being a mum is are never seen on social media. All these ‘my perfect baby’ posts give a very unrealistic view of being a parent.

It’s an absolute thankless task. It does get better once they start school, but even then it’s lot of effort for very little reward.

My children are grown up now and I wouldn’t be without them. That said I wish I’d known what it was realistically going to be like. If I’d known, I’m not sure I’d have had them.

Of course PND exists! How offensive to claim it doesn’t. You may not have it, (or you may- speak to your GP- a qualified medical professional) but that doesn’t translate to all other mothers not having it either.

I didn’t have any PND with my first baby. I had shockingly bad PND with my second. It was nothing to do with adjusting to being a mother- I had already been one for 4 years! It was PND.

Motherhood brings stress anxiety and a need to be selfless. There is a reason the birth rate is dropping, when life without children is so much easier and much less expensive and guilt free in comparison.
There are lovely bits of motherhood but it's a huge fucking grind and it's not for everybody but you don't get to find that out till it's too late.

I found it incredibly boring. I couldn't get to grips with what I was doing wrong. Everyone in my ante natal group would go on and on about not being able to shower, not able to get dressed until lunchtime etc. They all seemed so busy but I couldn't see how. My baby woke early, had a feed and then slept for a bit so I got up, had a shower and did stuff until he woke up. He didn't move from where I put him, dirty stuff was put wherever it needed to go at the time and he couldn't cover the floor with toys because he was weeks old. I ended up falling into PND but there were lots of issues during the pregnancy that had added to that. My mother also turned into some weird psycho bitch and criticised literally everything I did whenever she visited. I was very ill physically before he arrived , had a cesarean, and my husband had some strange crisis about being a dad and started obsessivly flirting with young women to prove that he was young and sexy so I was a lost cause really

People can become depressed for all sorts of reasons, the fact that there's an external cause doesn't mean it's not depression. For example if you were in prison or had a difficult bereavement you might feel depressed too. Depression is where negative feelings become long lasting and it can be very hard to recover from, if it's untreated it can cause lifelong mental health issues. So if you are feeling depressed you should try and seek help, even if the cause of the depression is having a baby, that doesn't mean your problem shouldn't be treated.

I had no clue how difficult I was going to find being a mother. Not a scooby doo. The overwhelming sense of responsibility coupled with the grinding boredom of young children and the domestic donkey work they involve floored me.

It was a fucking shock.

And I definitely WAS depressed when my DC were small (more so my firstborn) but I’m 99% sure it wasn’t some sort of hormonal PND, it was just the very difficult adjustment to a new and foreign way of life.

Things gradually got easier in some ways. Or they didn’t ‘get easier’ so much as I adjusted to my new life as a parent. I still struggled with certain aspects of having children, but I didn’t feel depressed, more just periodically a bit frustrated and bored.

I love them as teens, though! For all the shit teenagers put you through (and they do!) all the bits I found really bloody hard about being a mother have fallen away (lack of sleep, lack of personal space, constant demands, constant domestic servitude, Mum-guilt over having a career or hobbies..).

I think it’s good that PND is recognised these days, but I do think that the responses from society and healthcare providers often miss the mark. It’s not always ‘oh, bless your heart, you’ve got a touch of the baby blues!’ OR ‘fucking hell, you’re really mentally unwell, you need drugs and therapy!’ . Often it’s more a case of ‘this is REALLY bloody hard on women, isn’t it? You’re not alone.’

To clarify, I am 100% NOT saying postnatal depression doesn't exist - it absolutely does and women should receive support and treatment when needed. I'm saying in some people, like me, I feel it is assumed it must be PND when logically not everyone can enjoy being a mother.

Thank you for the supportive responses. My son is 7.5 months old, no family or many friends nearby so not much support and I'm not due back to work until July, I need to return full time. My husband doesn't qualify for shared parental leave.

@LaVidaJoker your post sums it up perfectly for me. I'm not at the teen stage yet but I really hate the smug "just you wait, teens are the hardest part" I know myself and I know that the teen years (unless they really do go extreme on me!) will not be the hardest part for all the reasons you stated.

@anon182

To clarify, I am 100% NOT saying postnatal depression doesn't exist - it absolutely does and women should receive support and treatment when needed. I'm saying in some people, like me, I feel it is assumed it must be PND when logically not everyone can enjoy being a mother.

Thank you for the supportive responses. My son is 7.5 months old, no family or many friends nearby so not much support and I'm not due back to work until July, I need to return full time. My husband doesn't qualify for shared parental leave.

Your original post was clear re PND vs 'not enjoying motherhood'. Sorry people aren't appreciating what you're saying.

You write that you'll return to work in July. Is there any reason you have to wait that long? Why don't you go back earlier and try and regain your sense of self?

It does get easier and life actually becomes normal and enjoyable I promise

[quote user5656555]@LaVidaJoker your post sums it up perfectly for me. I'm not at the teen stage yet but I really hate the smug "just you wait, teens are the hardest part" I know myself and I know that the teen years (unless they really do go extreme on me!) will not be the hardest part for all the reasons you stated.[/quote]
That really annoys me too! Hardest part - ok then 👌

I felt the exact same. The only thing is as they get older you are more acclimatized to parenting so you don’t hate it as much. I never found it fulfilling or particularly rewarding but the different stages does bring joy. I loved my job and I studied a good bit from once they went to school so I had that to feel like I had an identity outside being a mother.
Mine are all bigger now teens and an adult and I have the say I’d take the teen years over any previous stages. It does get easier and more enjoyable after the monotony of the baby/ toddler years but the important thing is to have personal achievements to focus on whether it’s education, fitness, personal hobbies that gives you life that runs alongside raising children.

It doesn't matter.
If you're feeling crap the things that help you feel better are the same whether it's depression or not.

@anon182 would you be able to find childcare to return sooner? There's no shame in not enjoying being a stay at home parent to a baby. It doesn't mean you aren't or won't be a good mother.

I think there are cases of both. I had PND, still have issues with depression years later so it is definitely real.

But I also think there is no magic switch in a woman's body and/or mind that enables her to suddenly feel overwhelming love, devotion and be super mum.

In my opinion modern society has a lot to answer for. In the past there was a larger family who often helped out compared to now where you may live away from it or parents and female relatives are working. So apart from your partner you may not have help and support.

DD was born just when all baby groups. etc closed for the Summer holidays, I was lonely as hell. I met once or twice with others from our ante-natal group but we didn't click really.

It got better when I went out. I was lucky to meet some people at a baby group to just give me a chance to talk and do something which was more than changing nappies.

It was still not my ideal world so going back to work a bit earlier and putting DD into nursery was what really changed the whole situation. I felt me again, did something normal and could enjoy DD and family life.

Lots of things we did may not have the ideal "stay at home for at least 3 years, carry your baby all the time, bf and sleep on demand and co-sleep for years and never ever let it cry" some people incl. a very good friend said should be the only way to raise a baby.

You need to find your way and I think at one point you will enjoy family life.

It should be more widely accepted that babies are boring and occasionally extremely irritating and you have to try work out why they are screaming when you feel like screaming yourself.

Widely accepted that they can be not that in general they are. It is a toss-up what kind of baby you are likely going to have and what they need. Both of my sons were relatively easy as babies. My first nursed quickly and slept every three hours but it was consistent and I could sleep when he slept. He was like clockwork so it was easy to manage our day. The youngest slept longer surprising both of us that we actually checked on him more the first few weeks. He was an active one, would take ages to nurse due to looking up and constantly smiling at me so it was hard to be too annoyed, and loved being entertained which thankfully his brother was enough or I probably wouldn’t have found it as easy. Thinking about it, the way he slotted in worked perfect for us, especially since we don’t have any family around (which has been a good thing considering what I read here and my in-laws complaining about providing childcare to their daughter and BIL, not to us though and I’m not going to ask them to) wasn’t until they hit around 3.5 that I started to struggle. I like that they are more vocal and independent but the constant fights and battles over clothing, shoes, them wanting to dart off when they shouldn’t and climbing on everything is tiring. They’re ridiculously active, eat constantly, and have done so much damage to our home that I didn’t think was possible. I’ll take the baby days again tbh. I may have had less sleep but at least it was quiet and I could trust it being quiet, not that they were possibly doing something they shouldn’t.

Some stages are just easier than others for some people depending on the type of baby they have.

That really annoys me too! Hardest part - ok then

I find it's from the same type of people that get their kicks out of patronising pregnant women and newer mums "can't sleep now, just you wait till baby is here" "haha you think 2 year olds are hard, you've seen nothing until they're 3!" and so it continues, I find it so disheartening, I feel more experienced mothers should be supporting younger women in motherhood, not trying to humiliate and dispirit them.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues.

This is so true. Yet another example of the horribly sexist world we live in

@user5656555

That really annoys me too! Hardest part - ok then

I find it's from the same type of people that get their kicks out of patronising pregnant women and newer mums "can't sleep now, just you wait till baby is here" "haha you think 2 year olds are hard, you've seen nothing until they're 3!" and so it continues, I find it so disheartening, I feel more experienced mothers should be supporting younger women in motherhood, not trying to humiliate and dispirit them.

Totally agree and a lot of it is bullshit from deeply unhappy people. I had a 'friend' who did it to me all the time. I said something once when ds1 was 18 months about feeling so lucky with how affectionate and loving he was. I got a snarky response about waiting until the terrible twos hit. He's still a very affectionate child at 5.5 and always has been. I've had complete strangers try to patronise me when I'm out with my 13mo. I just tell them I have an older child too and they shut up.

Motherhood is a shock and takes massive adjustment. It’s the level of support that can make a dramatic difference. We expect new mums to just get on with it. They then have to get on with housework and cooking as well as that’s the expectation.
It would be nice to bring back those ideas of popping over to a newborns home with a meal and an offer to cuddle the baby while the mum has a break as initial support. The less the new mum is overwhelmed and struggling, the more enjoyable motherhood could be.