to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

@Andtheyalllookjustthesame

I think people expect it's going to be more like getting a new iPhone than being hit by a bus.

Being handed a hand grenade is a better metaphor.

It's annoying how many posters are saying it gets better, you'll feel different, blah blah blah. It doesn't get better. Just different. And that different is a million miles from your old life. And that's shit. Motherhood is the total surrender of everything you were and are until you resign yourself to it.

@Fritilleries well that depends on you and your situation. For me it DID get better because what I struggled with was feeling shackled and totally depended on, with no freedom and little people I couldn't communicate with; going back to work, leaving kids with grandma, them starting school. All of these were improvements, and I actually enjoy their company now.

I also can't really compare to "the life before" because I got pregnant straight out of uni, which has its pros and cons in this context.

As a PP has said it's very hard to talk about a universal experience, but I think for those that really struggle with the dependency and drudgery of babies, it generally feels easier the older they get I think. But not speaking for everyone!

I think it depends on how long you're thinking until it gets better. Pre teen land is good. They can do lots of things, but you're not at the stage where you're worrying about them roaming.

You're free to leave them home alone for periods. They sleep later at weekends. They can make you cups of tea. They prefer the Internet to you. Happy days.

There is a film I just watched on Netflix about this called The Lost Daughter with Olivia Coleman. It might help realise some of your emotion to watch it. It’s very loose but very emotional felt.

@Fritilleries

It's annoying how many posters are saying it gets better, you'll feel different, blah blah blah. It doesn't get better. Just different. And that different is a million miles from your old life. And that's shit. Motherhood is the total surrender of everything you were and are until you resign yourself to it.

So true. You become a slave to your children.

@Fritilleries

It's annoying how many posters are saying it gets better, you'll feel different, blah blah blah. It doesn't get better. Just different. And that different is a million miles from your old life. And that's shit. Motherhood is the total surrender of everything you were and are until you resign yourself to it.

For some people it does...for me it has... I was so severely depressed I tried to end my life then when I didn't succeed I tried to give them up. Now I enjoy being a mum. It isn't a fact that everyone feels better in time, but it's a possibility.

I'm really sorry you are feeling like this, it's a lonely place to be. I hope you have someone you can talk to, or that you feel you can come on here for some support at the very least

[quote user5656555]@Fritilleries well that depends on you and your situation. For me it DID get better because what I struggled with was feeling shackled and totally depended on, with no freedom and little people I couldn't communicate with; going back to work, leaving kids with grandma, them starting school. All of these were improvements, and I actually enjoy their company now.

I also can't really compare to "the life before" because I got pregnant straight out of uni, which has its pros and cons in this context.

As a PP has said it's very hard to talk about a universal experience, but I think for those that really struggle with the dependency and drudgery of babies, it generally feels easier the older they get I think. But not speaking for everyone![/quote]
Universal experience is hard to qualify. I'm just guilty of relenting to hormones and not thinking of the fact that I have family 300 miles away and only grandparent nearby who is very elderly. Stupid decision making. Really should have thought more with my head than the urge.

'annoying how many posters are saying it gets better, you'll feel different, blah blah blah. It doesn't get better. Just different..."

It did improve for me personally and some of my friends as they get older. I'm sorry this wasn't your experience and hope you feel better

@Fritilleries I understand, I was away from family (not as far, 150 miles) when I had my second and my DH was away with work too, it was agonising. How old is yours now? I think one of the reasons it gets a little less relentless is because the benefits of being a parent shine through a bit more when you've got a little person you can actually talk to, reason with, as opposed to a screaming grenade as someone put it! Also, for me, it meant other people could help be that childcare, DH, nursery etc whereas when I was BF it was all me which I found incredibly suffocating. I have no shame in shipping kids off to childcare, I try to parent in a way that's realistic for my character, I am the parent I can be rather than trying to be someone I'm not, and as such I think we are all happier for it.

@user5656555

'Fritillerieswell that depends on you and your situation. For me it DID get better because what I struggled with was feeling shackled and totally depended on, with no freedom and little people I couldn't communicate with; going back to work, leaving kids with grandma, them starting school. All of these were improvements, and I actually enjoy their company now'

This has been my experience too, it was the relentlessness, no time to self and sleep deprivation i mostly struggled with. They are still young but things are improving as they get older! I must admit I do dream of a day me and dh can just leave house to go somewhere and they are old enough to be left for a short while! I miss the days you can just leave! I think once they can get themselves into can it'll help as well.

or car*

I have a 4 and 8 year old and I don’t think I like being a mother. Nothing is ever good enough, you never have enough time. I am treated like a fucking slave everyday (SEN older child who seems to break, spill or ruin anything he is asked to do himself) I work full time and I’m so very tired. I once read something that said having children means that you have to do things you don’t want to do every day for at least the next 18 years and beyond. My husband genuinely loves being a father but I am the primary carer. I have no ‘me’ left. I’m sick of trampoline parks and #making memories and never being able to go out anywhere with my husband. All my money is spent on them, all my time is spent on them but the impossible standard of ‘a good mother’ always escapes me. I don’t have mental health issues, I just really hate having to live my life for other people to the massive detriment of my own needs. There, now I’ve said it.

I hear you OP my son is 7 and I'd say 4 out of 7 days a week I just hate being a mum. The transporting, the relentless noise and questions. The constant care and vigilance needed. It's exhausting at best. I do sometimes wish I'd just stuck to being on my own, concentrating on my career. It is what it is, can't exactly return him can I. But yes I long for 11 year times when he's an adult and I can take a massive step back.

I do love him and I would do anything for him, but yeah I just hate my job as "mum" doesn't help I'm a lone parent so I really do not get a break from it all. But the one good thing is this level of "mum" doesn't last forever, they do grow up and grow in independence.

Thanks for saying it. We need to feel like we can be honest.

I hear you. But he's two now and the days I feel like that are few and far between. We have a laugh together & do fun things but the baby stage was not for me.

I actually look forward to him getting a bit older and all the things we can enjoy together.

Having a baby isn't the full experience of parenting and it's bloody hard. Be kind to yourself.

I do think I had PND to be honest but hindsight's a wonderful thing. Life gets easier. Hang in there.

I agree & the regret of becoming a parent never goes away for some of us. Parenthood isn’t for everyone.

It never gets easier, as in your pre child life(obviously)but it evolves and changes overtime.Teenagers are still hard work but at least I get to go to the loo in peace(well mostly)The freedom of not having a tiny person stuck to me daily, definitely makes it feel that it's got easier!!

I'm sorry you feel this way op. My heart goes out to you.

I've often thought that any Mum on here expressing negativity about motherhood gets shut down pretty quickly. Usually in a " well you will love it when... you don't really feel this..." It's almost like gaslighting !
Yes you can find out motherhood is not what you expected or want .
Your feelings are valid

I remember with one of mine a lovely GP put his hand on my knee as I sobbed and said I dont think your depressed, I think you are really really tired to the point of exhaustion. He reminded me that I didnt have to be supermum, that it was ok some days not to get dressed or just potter around the house. My baby didnt need trailed about to loads of groups every day. He encouraged me to be kinder to myself, slow down a bit and sleep. Best advice iv ever had.

I think you're accurately describing the early days of motherhood. I'm not sure how many women don't feel like this - at least in stages. Whether they admit to it or not is another matter. It's the toughest job going, but I think whilst many women do feel like you to begin with 99% of the time these feelings level out and transform into unconditional love.

Honestly, I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself by saying you're not cut out to be a mum. It takes time to make a mum, it doesn't happen overnight! And the transformational change you undergo in terms of your identity is epic. You can love your babies but also feel acute resentment too - sometimes there are both in the frame. And that's ok too.

For me, even if I hadn't had PND I doubt I would have enjoyed the baby stage. I've never been interested in babies, never played with baby dolls as a little girl (I loved my Millennium Falcon, thank you).

I love peace & quiet and pottering, and lots of time to myself and weekends away with DH. I love a tidy, organised home and a simple routine. None of these are remotely compatible with having a baby

Life improved (a bit) when my DDs were toddlers. They were good sleepers and I had a good routine with them + 2 days at a private nursery helped hugely, and they loved going too.

But it was only when they started school that I really felt I hit my stride as a Mum. I'm super organised, like a routine, love a list, love a museum, love a NT property, enjoy doing crafty stuff, adore reading - all things very compatible with having school age children

Having teenagers was a dream compared to having toddlers. I just found it sooooo much easier in every respect. I loved their chat, their sarcasm, their humour, their energy. I just loved being with them. And now DD1 has started university I can honestly say she took a little piece of my heart with her when she went.

Look at what happens with men. Many don't like being dads and have no trouble walking away from their children. And yet nobody thinks they have mental health issues

Louder for the patriarchy at the back, middle and front. I 100 percent believe PND exists but at the same time there really doesn’t have to be anything wrong with a woman finding out after the event that she isn’t cut out for it and it isn’t what she wanted.

Why can't you fill your days with something nice and interesting? Books, audiobooks, movies, binge watching tv shows, learning new language or other skill, trying to find some job from home without strict deadlines. Remember your old dreams and think if now is the time to try them out. There are things called ergocarriers, so you are free to go anywhere, meet anyone you like. There is no reason you should sit at home lonely, if you don't want to. Try all that before regretting your son. If there are no medical problems, baby's needs are not so hard to meet. Your closeness will usually make him happy. All the rest of the day you can do as you please.