to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

I don't know if there is an actual recognisable mental illness separate from just simple unhappiness at how life is in that first year, but in any case yes I agree there are definitely people diagnosed/fobbed off with a PND diagnosis when they are actually just really unhappy. I wouldn't characterise it as being unhappy about being a mum though. Imagine what it might be like if for example please you and your DP were doing 50% of the childcare each, and 50% of your nornal job. How would you feel about it then? But our society dumps all the childcare and the sleep deprivation, the loneliness and loss of connections and identity through (temporary) loss of the job role, all of the woman. Even when you give birth. All the skin to skin, baby-focused policies mean that nobody helps you take care of the baby when you're recovering from the birth. It's not like that in other countries. I live in Germany and my friends here enjoyed 5 days of resting up while a nurse took the babies and settled them at night (they would bring them to be fed). In the UK you have to fend for yourself and all the baby-centred stuff makes you sound selfish if you try to take care of your own needs.

Some people love every minute of child rearing, some people have good times and bad times, some never really get along with it, but whatever your feelings, be in no doubt that it is work, 12 hours a day and then god knows how many in the night. You don't have to enjoy it.

What tr888 wrote.

How old is your child OP?

@unwicked

"I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task." I completely agree. I don't even think PND exists. People need to deal with reality. I think in some cases it could be a hormonal problem though, or just the general tiredness. But if people regret having their baby, or have some other problem with it, don't like it etc, that's not a disease, it's an uncomfortable fact. However you are just saying you are sick of being tired. I feel like you wanted people to correct you and didn't really mean it when you said that you weren't up to the task though. But you haven't been clear what the problem is other than your tiredness. Why are you feeling lonely? What does that have to do with having a baby? And should you not be feeling less lonely? Where is the Dad or partner? Not surprised it is hard if you are alone. Or you feel lonely if you are alone. What exactly are you not cut out to do? Babies don't do anything, you have to do it all for them. That's the point. TR888's post was perfect.

You don't think post natal depression exists?

People just need to deal with reality?

People are just hormonal and tired?

How uneducated are you?

Can you go back to work and your partner take leave instead?

Being a mum is about so much more than nappies and naps and shhhhing though. Those first months can certainly have their bleak moments and I was certainly relieved when I was able to return to work and have a few hours respite to be a professional competent person who could have rational conversations with other adults, make meaningful decisions and achieve measurable objectives. Maternity Leave is very hard, certainly.

However, motherhood lasts for way longer than 18 years and no two years are the same. You will find that there's an age range that you absolutely love being a mum - for some maybe the toddler to presxhool ages, for others maybe the primary ages where they are learning to read and think. For some maybe the preteen and early teen years. But whatever state you most enjoy you will remember the good bits of the previous stages that were less enjoyable. You will rise to the challenges of each stage and part of successfully helping your child to navigate through each stage of their development to adulthood has a firm foundation built not only on the love you have for your DC and that they have for you, but also on the fact that you have been there reliably throughout. There is no better mum your DC can have than you.

It's entirely possible that you might have undiagnosed PND, there isn't enough info in your OP to know either way but there is no shame in feeling bleak when things are tough. Talk to people in real life. Tell your health visitor how you are feeling. Too many women with PND avoid getting any support because they fear that their feelings mean they are a bad mother. That's not the case. Help is available whatever is going on for you.

I think it’s totally normal to hate early motherhood, especially if it’s your first baby. Nothing can prepare you for the overwhelming change to your life that a newborn brings and if you have little support during this time it’s horrendous. I remember barely smiling for months - just going through the motions. When I had mine, maternity leave was only 18 weeks and I remember feeling robbed that the whole of my mat leave had been spent with a crying baby who seemed to dislike me until the last 2 weeks when suddenly she got over her colic and started to smile and interact. After that things definitely got better and I don’t remember feeling so overwhelmed when I had my second child the following year. It does get better but when you’re stuck in baby hell there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

I completely agree. I spent 3 years of DS's life wondering what the hell I'd done as I couldn't stand being a mum. I still say now that had I known what motherhood really involved, I definitely would have stayed childless. But some people assume I had PND because I feel that way.

I didn't, I adore my son now, I've just acknowledged that I'm not totally suited to being a mum and I think that should be okay. I took a long time to adjust. It's not an illness to simply not enjoy being a mum.

I agree with you OP. The early months are tedious and exhausting. Who wouldn't feel depressed?! It's a perfectly natural response to the situation you find yourself in.

This idea that if a woman isn't enjoying motherhood there must be something wrong with her - put her on medication - is part of patriarchal social conditioning. Society is fearful of women who reject motherhood. Hark at the pope telling women its selfish to not want children.

I've just deleted a large part of this post as I went off on a feminist rant 😄, but you get the gist.

Of course it is possible however sleep deprivation, velcro screaming babies who won't be put down are unhelpful when you're feeling overwhelming tired and stressed.
How old is the baby, I didn't have pnd I had a very difficult 2nd baby it took a very long time years to bond with.
See a GP.
Can you go back to work FT? We can't give them back and they rely heavily on our love, keep going take one day at a time.

@BerthaBlythe

I think the term PND is problematic because there is a range of perinatal hormone dysregulation issues that aren’t recognised. I had post natal anxiety and antenatal depression but was only screened for and aware of PND. Some women experience rage and anger rather than depression too.

One of the symptoms of antenatal depression for me was a hollow feeling and I stopped loving my dh and my cat. Dh was easier to justify than the cat, but the love came back in the third trimester.

I considered abortion, and tried to change career during this period and had the strongest “what gave I done?” feelings despite both pregnancies being planned and very much wanted.

For me the experience didn’t feel like a depression, just like unsatisfactory circumstances. It was the return of my loving feelings, and on my second pregnancy a repeat of the thought patterns that made me realise this was something more.

The effect of sleep deprivation also go way beyond tiredness. My personality and cognition are affected; I lose my joy and spark and I have a myriad of health issues that vanish after a few weeks of good sleep.

I agree that it’s entirely possible to just not like being a parent, and as pp have said, many men are like this. It’s a perfectly logical and rational response.

But we’re not men. Our bodies have given birth and we have to deal with the effects of hormone fluctuations too. We deserve better information and understanding around these issues.

This really really resonates with me. I didn’t feel depressed apart from every now and then when I was particularly tired and found myself feeling suicidal. But I’d get rest and quickly recover back to feeling normal.

However what I did have is rage, never at my baby but at other things in my life. It never came up in any conversations and didn’t probably kick in until the health visitor was long gone after the first six weeks. I also recognise the feeling of not loving anyone else but my baby. Looking back I was quite clearly not well but it never seemed to fit the PND box so I never sought help.

OP I recognise a lot of what you say too. I don’t think it’s unusual to really not enjoy motherhood. I love my child but I do really miss my old life. The thing for me is the lack of freedom but I have so say that even a few short years later it is coming back. So hang in there.

It is only now, as my youngest turns 7 and all my friends begin to have babies, that i see most people wade through the first few years. I am actually in shock looking at them. Whether it is pnd or not, when you have a child you lose your freedom and a lot of yourself and it's a long while before you can process that and begin to be yourself and adore your family. And I don't know op, I'm not sure you can see pnd in yourself until well after the fact. I think other people can see it well before.

Reactive/ situational depression is a thing.

Is doesn't need to be one or the other.

If you low mood has persisted for some time please see doc.

ADs really helped but I put off going doc for 3 years or so.

I think being in pain and lack of support plays a part too.
I'm always miserable when I'm in long term pain. It's not depression.

First born? It's INCREDIBLY hard to begin with and the adjustment from old life to new life the hardest imo, but in time you will favour your new life over your old life if you allow yourself.

I felt like this when DD was new, it was horrible. Loved her but the overwhelming responsibility and never being able to just be. Things improved drastically when I went back to work after six months. It was like being myself again. Now she is 4 and I have the best of both worlds. She's a delight and so much easier to be a mum of a 4 year old. I love my job, get plenty of time to do my own thing. If you're not doing this already, I'd recommend introducing a bottle to your LO, ready made formula, once a day. Then you can leave them with their dad or another trusted person while you get a break. It's tough at first but it gets better.

I think the perception is that PND is this weird, irrational depression and/or anxiety, brought on entirely by hormonal fluctuations and imbalances.

I'm sure this is true for some people, but the physicality of having a young baby is exhausting, isolating, overwhelming, terrifying. This can obviously make you feel like crap! Add in the sleep deprivation (and actually, you quite quickly stop even recognising it as tiredness, it's more like an unshiftable black cloud over your life. Ie depression) and I'm not surprised you're having a shitty time.

You definitely "deserve" to ask for help, whatever the "reason" you're struggling. Lots and lots of people find medication helps them in the short term, and lets them get to a stage they can manage on their own xx

The loneliness is the key point here. Humans aren’t meant to be lonely.
Once I was able to start meeting friends and meet new ones, actually have a life of my own, then I enjoyed and appreciated it more.

You can adore your child and try to do the best for them and appreciate what they are without loving every moment. Work out what you’re good and make sure you optimise that.

It becomes much easier, changing every few months for the better.
I agree with pp it is very hard to see yourself with pnd it is very new, you're not alone I was shell-shocked too with the lifestyle changes.

Also one to big up medication early on. Helped me get through and I don’t need it now (come on it was also a pandemic!) best for my child too.

The idea of what a mum is is heavily socially constructed.

Other than the biological bits, why are we expected to do any more parenting that what is expected of father's?

As a mum I'd be seen as a failure by most. But if I was judged as a father I'd be flipping fantastic!!

Babycare is grueling and is ok to say that it is hard and unpleasant.

There's a reason most rich women in history have farmed out young children to staff/ wet nurses etc to raise.

Don't judge yourself by other people's imagined standards.

@TedMullins

I agree. My dad’s mother is a very extreme case but she made it very clear to my dad he was unwanted from a young age. They’ve been no contact - by mutual agreement - for 30 years. As I said, an incredibly extreme case and I’m sure many women who regret becoming mothers parent their children very well. But she certainly wasn’t overcome with love, things didn’t change as he grew up. It’s one of the many reasons I’m not having kids, because I think there’s a strong chance I’d regret it

There's a giant gulf between realising you don't like being a mum ( and keeping it to yourself), and abusing your child because you didn't want him.

You can still love, and nurture a child if you don't like being a mum.

The baby/toddler years are hard and really boring. I felt completely clueless. Things got much easier, fun and dare I say it enjoyable when they got to school.

I was diagnosed with PND when mine was 8 months old. I still don't really know whether this was right.

I was hormonal, over tired, we had money worries. I had had a feeling that this little baby was precious and I needed to look after it and play and sing and it was very cute, but couldn't compute that it was mine. I was well supported, feel I hadn't really had time to bond in the early days and I think that was part of it.

It's so difficult to know really! 🤷‍♀️. The important thing is that it did get better and the love I feel for my child is like none other 💕

What if you love being a mum but you're still feeling depressed?

I think your question is problematic.