to think it's not postnatal depression, some people just hate being a mum?

[anon182]

In short, I have struggled with the adjustment to motherhood since my son was born. I love him very much but I find the days relentless and exhausting, I'm lonely and don't know who I am anymore. I do my best to show up for him everyday but I feel hollow when I wake up to another day of nappies and naps. I'm so sick of ssshhing.

I just regret having a child, I'm not cut out to be a parent and I miss my old life. I wish I could find him a mum who would appreciate and enjoy him, but I'm not depressed - I just made a bad decision.

I think we're quick to diagnose mothers with PND when actually some of us just don't enjoy it or aren't up to the task.

AIBU?

OP, I think you're absolutely right -- you, like many other women, can simply find that they don't like having a baby without being depressed. The idea that it's somehow deranged of a woman to regret having children is a very damaging one. However, he's here now, you can't take him back to the shop, and the fact that you don't love having a baby doesn't mean you'll be a bad mum. It also doesn't mean that you won't be thrilled to have a toddler/older child/teen/adult child. Let's face it: babies are a lot of responsibility and not very good company!

My mother has been upfront with me and my sister about the fact that she doesn't like children, didn't like being a mother of children, and wouldn't have had them if she'd been born twenty years later. The knee-jerk response was to feel wounded by this, but actually on reflection, I really respect her for being able to admit this. It was obvious that she didn't love being a mum, but also that she did love us, and she did a decent job for the most part. She also is quite clearly much happier having adult daughters.

OP, sorry you're struggling, but it's early days yet. Don't write yourself off as not enjoying parenthood/not being up to it.
On mat leave I found things much harder if I was stuck in the house all day as the time dragged.
These are the things that helped me, they may or may not work for you:

-Getting out for at least one walk a day, for at least an hour, often longer. I spent lots of time just walking aimlessly with the pram. It always sent DD to sleep so I could enjoy a bit of peace. I liked exploring streets I'd not been to before, people watching and having a nosy at the houses and buildings I passed.

-The sling was a saviour. I'd pop DD in it and she'd be asleep in no time. Or if she didn't want to sleep she'd just hang out in there and watch what was going on. It stopped me being a slave to naps because I could go out whenever I wanted or get on with stuff around the house rather than stand over a cot shushing. I'd often take myself off to a local cafe with a book and sit there while DD napped in the sling. If she was awake I'd pop her in a high chair and we'd eat together.

-I joined baby groups, which helped to break up the week and gave me something to look forward to. I made sure I had something to go to most days. There are lots of groups that are free or low cost, are there any in your area you could join? This might help with making friends too.

-From when DD was about 4 months I started leaving her with DH once a week and re-joined my sporting hobby. It was a much needed break from all the mum stuff and helped me feel like myself again. Do you have any hobbies you could do for even an hour a week?

-No matter how tired I was, always made sure to read a bit before bed, even if I could only manage one page. It rounds off the day nicely and offers a bit of escapism from the drudgery.

It's not always been easy and plain sailing, but those things really helped me and now that DD is at nursery it's easier still. I hope things improve for you, hang in there!

Exactly!! I don't think I had post natal depression but as soon as I wasn't with my child, I was absolutely fine. I have never particularly loved being a parent, 4 years and 2 children later, I'm starting to enjoy it a bit more.

@Fritilleries
'Motherhood is the total surrender of everything you were and are until you resign yourself to it.'

I can see that motherhood can rob you of everything you were before - the 'you' that was.
I'm trying to resign myself to it and think I am getting there, but don't understand how it can change things. It's a hell of a lot to give up and in all honesty I don't see much gain. I'd be very grateful if you could explain that a bit more.

I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to enjoy it tbh. Theres a reason they use sleep deprivation and constant loud noise as torture methods. Yet you are supposed to cherish every second of it. Mines 2 now and there are the odd few minutes here and there that make me genuinely happy. I hope it improves with time.

Also yes assuming that someone who feels they may have not been cut out for this is mentally ill is patronising bollocks (not saying PND doesn’t exist). If you took a job that turned out to be 24/7 on call with a really fussy boss who liked to wake you up demanding stuff and often refused to tell you what it is, just that they are deeply dissatisfied and sometimes whacked you in the face, demanded your attention pretty much constantly and then you said “you know what I don’t like this”. Would people go “oh no you must be mentally ill, have some tablets” or “yeah not surprised you should quit”

Nobody would expect a bloke to like it. As PP pointed out men walk away all the time cos having children is HARD. I love my daughter and dear god has my heart just stopped so many times over the last 2yrs when she’s been sad or hurt. But it is HARD. I wouldn’t wish her away now she’s here but if I had my time again I probably wouldn’t do it again.

Also, for what it’s worth I feel a lot of women diagnosed with PND actually have PTSD from difficult or traumatic births and this is again downplayed by society. Even worse when it’s called ‘baby blues’.

For me I think as time (years) go by, you realise more and more what you have lost.

Kind of kid yourself you'll have time next year etc and you never do- all of my time ie spent working, childcare or organising / managing kids and housework. If I get to the gym twice in a week that's an amazing week

Anything quite normal I'd like to do relies of teams of other people and goodwill to actually do and set up. Eg I'd love to go on a female walking holiday for 6 days. But the amount of favours required from people and the guilt over the cost etc means I never will. Just one thing or many many that I've been forced to give up

My eldest is 12 so hoping when she's 18 she'll mind the one 4y younger and can start doing a lot more. 6 years to go!!

I think your honesty is great and I really agree with you. It does get better when they are out of the baby and toddler stage, so hang in there.

I do believe yes, some people do regret it and don't enjoy it at all. People cant say or admit it but its true. Men can walk away if they cant cope but how many women do?We have to get to with it?

@inheritancetrack

I think your honesty is great and I really agree with you. It does get better when they are out of the baby and toddler stage, so hang in there.

Not necessarily, I have friends with teens and young adults and its incredibly hard and stressful, they'd swap for babies and toddlers any day.

I agree with the OP but I think if you've had PND you know the difference between that and the feelings you're talking about.

I was quite seriously mentally unwell and needed professional support (and medication) to get through it. Now I'm better but I still recognise the feelings you're talking about and I wish as a society we were more honest about it.

The moment I went into labour I knew I had made a huge mistake.
I was right, DS1 was not an easy baby, toddler, small child, pre teen, teen, young adult or adult...he is still giving me stress at 34!
If I hadn't had DS2 and DD in quick succession they wouldn't have been born. I was too young, listened to those who were older, more experienced, professionals who all said it was only a 'phase' .I should have stuck with gut feeling. Youngest is now 30 but I never recovered from those early years, bodily, mentally, financially. I was diagnosed with PND after DS2 but I always thought that women who loved their DC were the ones with a problem as how can you possibly 'love' a torturer..thats Stockholm syndrome 🤣
As others have said men can walk away without too much judgement, women will always be judged.

@Ihaveoflate

I agree with the OP but I think if you've had PND you know the difference between that and the feelings you're talking about.

I was quite seriously mentally unwell and needed professional support (and medication) to get through it. Now I'm better but I still recognise the feelings you're talking about and I wish as a society we were more honest about it.

Yes, I agree with this. My PND was like nothing I had ever experienced before. It completely changed me into someone I just didn't recognise. Both my HV and GP told me my symptoms were severe, but I don't think I even came close to being hospitalised. My heart goes out to the poor women who suffer with post partum psychosis - I can't even imagine how much more horrific that must be.

Completely agree OP. I really didn’t enjoy being on maternity leave for the first year of DS’ life. I found it lonely, relentless and monotonous. The amount of people who suggested I had PND really bothered me. I know they meant well but why couldn’t I just not enjoy having a small baby? Why did it mean I had to have a mental health diagnosis? Its insulting to women who are truly suffering PND quite frankly. Needless to say a combination of going back to work and DS becoming a freaking awesome toddler means I now absolutely love it.

some days I think I could have depression, as the only escape i can see from this misery is suicide. but what kind of monster does that to their baby? I love him too much to leave him but I feel like I can't stay. most days are like wading through treacle.

I am so jealous of men who can just walk away and are, at worst, mildly scorned. I know that I am the problem, I just can't get rid of me easily.

OP whilst you've raised some valid points if you are having suicidal thoughts you are depressed and need to seek help

thank you for the tales of hope and it getting better. I do love him more than anything, so maybe I just need to survive the first year or two and keep trying to be the best parent I can until it feels easier.

I don't disagree with you OP.

Everyone is suited to different things, parenting is no different. Some people arent suited to the baby part, some aren't suited to the child part, some to the teen part, some aren't really suited at all. It requires a real selflessness that isn't going to be there if you don't really want to be a parent.

I do think for most people it's at its worst early on though. Its boring, you get nothing back and it totally soaks up all your free time.

I would also say OP, I would consider myself (relatively) quite maternal and even I remember despite my rose tinted memories, that a lot of the first mat leave was a trudge, especially the first 6 months.

I never felt suicidal, just wanted to walk away, far away, fantasising about living off the land in a remote place away from children and judgemental idiots.

@anon182, speak to a GP. The fact that you reference suicide speaks volumes. You need to speak to someone. Monday morning, contact your GP. No one in a healthy state of mind considers or dreams of suicide. I know, because I once did and I was so far gone that I didn't recognise I was as severely depressed as I was. Still maintain that parenting is a tough job, but the suicide thought is a major red flag.

I’ve only read your answers so it’s probably already been said but I would go back to work. I cried every day of maternity but went back at 9 months and it changed everything. My children are still hard work but I don’t regret them at all.
But to answer your question it may be that you just don’t enjoy being a mother avg that’s ok. But you have a child now so think about what do you need to do to make the best of things. Do you need more childcare? More time away? An exercise routine etc.
It will get easier, be kind to to yourself.

I honestly think many women regret becoming mothers. I think many women don't really think about the actual every day reality of having children and just have them because "it's what you do". I know most of my friends didn't put much if any thought into it.

I am in my 60's so most of my friends are a similar age and their children are grown up and many have children of their own. So many of them though still say if they could go back in time they would not have children.

I find it sad and think society needs to be more truthful about how hard having children can be instead of making out it is all rainbows and roses.

Me and DH chose not to have children and never have we regretted that decision. In fact we have become more and more certain over the years that we made the right decision.

You need to make sure you don't have any more children.

@anon182

thank you for the tales of hope and it getting better. I do love him more than anything, so maybe I just need to survive the first year or two and keep trying to be the best parent I can until it feels easier.

OP I know you are probably feeling like you're just struggling or not enjoying motherhood but please speak to your gp about everything. They can help, and it's really good to talk.

I felt like I was stuck down a very dark deep tunnel with no way out and I would despair at the thought of waking up and living another day as a mum looking after my baby. I'd think about how I could escape or give the baby away but there was no answerss other than suicide or adoption (which I knew weren't actual realistic options which made me spiral even more).

I had PND... It was tough but I got out of it.

Sending hugs to you xx