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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 08/01/2022 09:30

Why should you be left with the kids all weekend, while your did gets 2 babysitters?! I'd say no.

gogohm · 08/01/2022 09:31

Unless there's illness, disability or much older then I'm sure your mil will be ok, has you dh asked his mum directly can you cope? Has either of the kids got sen?

My dm looked after my kids closer in age and dd1 is autistic, she was the only person who could really when they were small (I tried hired babysitters but they always refused to come back a second time).

Original poster
GoldfingersFinger · 08/01/2022 09:32

I have no issue with dealing with bedtime. I also don’t expect SIL to help us. What I do expect I guess is a bit of reciprocity and for my SIL to not just snap her fingers and for my DH to toddle off like a good little boy to satisfy whatever it is she can’t or won’t do herself. She doesn’t contact him unless she wants something amd it gets a little tedious.

OP posts:
workingtheusername · 08/01/2022 09:32

I find it a bit strange that dh has to go at specific times. Can't you all go and visit for afternoon help mil entertain kids.Plus you all get to visit then.

diddl · 08/01/2022 09:36

"and for my SIL to not just snap her fingers and for my DH to toddle off like a good little boy to satisfy whatever it is she can’t or won’t do herself."

Well that's all on your husband.

diddl · 08/01/2022 09:37

@workingtheusername

I find it a bit strange that dh has to go at specific times. Can't you all go and visit for afternoon help mil entertain kids.Plus you all get to visit then.
That sounds a good idea.
Skyeheather · 08/01/2022 09:49

Why don't you all go over there for the day? You could all go out for a nice long walk/trip to the park/day out somewhere. Wouldn't the children all enjoy seeing each other and it would help wear the kids out for MIL to do bedtime.

FruitMelange · 08/01/2022 09:57

It wouldn't bother me. My husband and I both have our own lives - I'm happy to do bedtime for a couple of days on my own, and vice versa

Yup, this. Even if I didn't like the sil. Its his family, his business, and his decision. It'd be the same were it the other way round. I can skip off and do something and he put the kids to bed.

saraclara · 08/01/2022 10:00

@Beautiful3

Why should you be left with the kids all weekend, while your did gets 2 babysitters?! I'd say no.
She isn't. Have you even read the thread? OP's DH is going to visit his mum for three hours to give her a bit of adult company and support.

This is only a 'problem' because it involves
a mumsnetter's in-laws. Most women would do this for their mum without a second's thought, and any man who complained about consequently having to do bedtime alone for one evening would be slated.

dotherighthing · 08/01/2022 10:09

Could MIL have the children at her own house, Its much easier in your own environment.

onewednesdayindecember · 08/01/2022 10:10

She doesn’t contact him unless she wants something amd it gets a little tedious.

I don’t understand why you’re so invested in your husband and his sister’s relationship. He doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, so it’s strange that you do.
The people who are suggesting the SIL should contact the OP to ask her what her husband is allowed to are just Confused

seekinglondonlife · 08/01/2022 10:13

Three hours is nothing, I wouldn't have an issue with this. If he wants to go I don't really see the problem?

BobMortimersPetOwl · 08/01/2022 10:25

Really I think its 100% up to your DH whether he wants to go and do it, and don't understand why your SIL should have to ask you rather than the conversation rightly being between the 3 of them as it doesn't need your input.

converseandjeans · 08/01/2022 10:36

Could you all go up for the afternoon to meet up as a family & go somewhere together - then MIL has some company?

It sounds like SIL wants the weekend off. Maybe she can then repay the favour another time?

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/01/2022 10:36

@BobMortimersPetOwl

Really I think its 100% up to your DH whether he wants to go and do it, and don't understand why your SIL should have to ask you rather than the conversation rightly being between the 3 of them as it doesn't need your input.
Of course it's not just up to the DH as he is expecting the op to take care of their own children. It does need to be a joint decision. Yes the op is more than likely capable of putting her own children to bed but it's the sheer cheekiness of expecting it from the sil.
saraclara · 08/01/2022 10:40

he is expecting the op to take care of their own children.

Shock! Horror! Fancy a parent having to take care of their own children for three hours!
I'm sure OP never goes out for three hours and expects her children's father to look after them. Hmm

saraclara · 08/01/2022 10:43

yes the op is more than likely capable of putting her own children to bed but it's the sheer cheekiness of expecting it from the sil.

Again, none of us knows whether the SIL expected it. Maybe she just called her brother and asked if he might help. Asking isn't 'expecting'.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 08/01/2022 10:46

Shock! Horror! Fancy a parent having to take care of their own children for three hours! I'm sure OP never goes out for three hours and expects her children's father to look after them.

It's not about looking after the children but the expectation to do so . The lack of respect being shown to the op to enable him to drop everything and go when as the op describes it the sil just snaps her fingers and expects him to do something

Cocogreen · 08/01/2022 11:15

@seekinglondonlife

Three hours is nothing, I wouldn't have an issue with this. If he wants to go I don't really see the problem?
Exactly. He's not staying overnight it's 3 hours! Watch a movie with the eight year old, have order a take away and have a fun time. Why is it so terrible for him to go ... are you frightened on your own?
stayathomer · 08/01/2022 11:17

Op I used to wonder about my mil and dm being hesitant about minding the children. Now my youngest is 7 and I'm 41 and with my knees shot and back not great (not something most people would know about so it doesn't matter if your mil is young, after that amt of kids her body won't be the same as it was when they were young!!) I wish they'd just told me no!! All aspects of minding kids are difficult physically from even changing a nappy to playing to lifting in and out of the cot etc. Plus it'll be a great way for your dh to get to know the kids better (I didn't get to spend much time with nieces and nephews due to distance)

ShirleyPhallus · 08/01/2022 11:31

I find some of these replies really odd. Grown women begrudging their husband’s family asking for help. Are these the same women who regularly say they have no family help so can’t go out for dinner with their husband / no one to call on if they need a lift to A&E etc? If so, it’s because you’re burning your bridges. It isn’t necessary to say “oh we will help you for 3 hours on the condition you do exactly the same for us next weekend”. Sometimes it’s nice to be nice, and help out, and know you have a favour in the bank next time.

Of course, it’s different if it’s a pattern of behaviour or the family is toxic or something, but a close family is a good, nice thing that should be protected and nurtured. Otherwise you might find out that when you are the MIL, asking for a pair of hands to help, there are none available because your own children won’t help out because this toxic attitude has been passed down to them.

Skeumorph · 08/01/2022 11:37

the heart of it is this

I wouldn't have a problem helping family.

I wouldn't have a problem pitching in.

I would have a fucking big problem discovering that actually, thanks to SIL making unilateral plans with MY husband, my Friday evening was going to look very different to what I'd expected.

'Dropping in to conversation'

Oh ha ha NO.

'Oh really? Sorry that doesn't work for me - what a shame SIL didn't think to ask both people that her request would affect. Not possible sorry. She will have to ask someone else'

It's the principle of it. As someone said way upthread, push back hard on shit like this as it is not a precedent you want to set. And I'm not talking about SIL. She can be as entitled as she likes. But no, my DH would never in a million years think it was ok to make plans with someone else which impacted on my time, and then just drop into conversation that X would be happening. Because I would simply drop right back that no, my time wasn't his to allocate. No discussion, no respect... no plans!

ChiefStockingStuffer · 08/01/2022 11:38

[quote OnceuponaRainbow18]@ChiefStockingStuffer

Aren’t you a bundle of joy.

Seriously, I feel for many of these husbands who aren’t allowed out, not even to help family. It’s controlling and unhealthy[/quote]
This isn't about husbands not being allowed to help out.

This is about an overly entitled SIL who thinks it's okay to announce, announce, not ask, that someone else's husband will be expected to step up and sort out her family when he has his own, with no consideration for what might be going on in his own life/family/schedule/work.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 08/01/2022 11:39

@Skeumorph

But once you have kids your time isn’t yours, and really an 8 year old can get them self to bed so it’s just a baby to manage. Doubt with young kids a wild Friday night was planned anyway.

OnaBegonia · 08/01/2022 11:39

This thread is possibly one of the most ridiculous Ive read in a while.
How is it such an issue for someone to pop out and help his mum for a few hours?
It has to be a joint decision? for the love of god he's not off to the Himalayas!!
I pity the MILs with families like half
of these controlling women on here.
Everything analysed and resented, ffs just be nice and help out.