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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

272 replies

GoldfingersFinger · 07/01/2022 20:53

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

OP posts:
musicviking1 · 07/01/2022 23:27

I really wouldn't mind this, when my mother looks after my neices for a couple of days if my sister goes away I will sometimes pop over. It gives my mum some company. Sometimes I take my children and then all the children play. I wouldn't begrudge my husband doing something for his sister and mother.

Kite22 · 07/01/2022 23:28

I think there’s quite a difference between raising your own children then 20-30 years later babysitting two grandchildren so young. I don’t think my mum would be able to do a whole weekend with two under 5, despite having four children herself

This x 100%

I am also puzzled that you seem to think it odd that a Grandparent might find it a challenge looking after 2 small children in someone else's home for a weekend might be a bit challenging and yet you seem perturbed that you might have to mange your own 2 children, in your own home on your own for only 3 hours of that whilst your dh goes to help his Mum Confused

As to what I'd say..... I'd encourage him to go, and be pleased that SiL asked rather than leaving MiL to struggle on.

TokenGinger · 07/01/2022 23:28

I don't think I'd bat an eyelid, nor would my DP be bothered if I went to help my mum out with my DBro's DC.

Raising 4 kids 20-30 years ago is significantly different to watching somebody else's.

I consider my mum quite young - 58 - but she's still knackered at the end of the day when watching one of the grandkids. If she had two, for a full weekend, she'd be shattered. I think it's nice of your DH to lend a hand.

I'd be grateful of my brothers helping my mum out for something like this if it gave us a well-needed break.

TheNestedIf · 07/01/2022 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/01/2022 23:29

My parents were always great and confident with my dc but mil worried, especially when they were young. Totally depends on the individual personality so it’s hard to say. I can’t imagine having an issue with dh helping his mum with his nieces and nephews. It’s quite a lot to take on overnight when you’re not used to it.

RedHelenB · 07/01/2022 23:30

A lot of " telling" dh advice on here. If he wants to help out his family I don't see the problem for one evening, always supposing you haven't plans already to go out. I think yabu.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 07/01/2022 23:30

@Kite22 totally agree. Some dil seem spoiling for a fight!

OnaBegonia · 07/01/2022 23:41

@Kite22
Agreed, poor OP can't possibly manage if her DH leaves the house for the immense hardship of bedtime but it's ok for MIL to manage two wee kids herself.
Honestly the controlling women on here is growing by the day.

ToManySnacks · 07/01/2022 23:43

So your husband is away for bath time…

Can you not cope alone?

ToManySnacks · 07/01/2022 23:44

You cant cope over bath-time but you expect your mil to cope for two days and two nights?

Northernparent68 · 07/01/2022 23:54

@Kite22

I think there’s quite a difference between raising your own children then 20-30 years later babysitting two grandchildren so young. I don’t think my mum would be able to do a whole weekend with two under 5, despite having four children herself

This x 100%

I am also puzzled that you seem to think it odd that a Grandparent might find it a challenge looking after 2 small children in someone else's home for a weekend might be a bit challenging and yet you seem perturbed that you might have to mange your own 2 children, in your own home on your own for only 3 hours of that whilst your dh goes to help his Mum Confused

As to what I'd say..... I'd encourage him to go, and be pleased that SiL asked rather than leaving MiL to struggle on.

This. It’s the same dynamic, she can’t cope and you can’t
KerryWeaver · 08/01/2022 00:00

There are a few posters on this thread who are quite controlling by the sounds of it.

thenewduchessoflapland · 08/01/2022 00:00

I think the real issue is your SIL is a CF who should have arranged adequate childcare before committing to an overnight stay in an hotel.

saraclara · 08/01/2022 00:03

If my (childfree) DD was looking after my DGD/her niece for the weekend, I'd offer to pop round to give her a hand/some company, too. She'll have the energy, but it's still good to have some adult company, and in her case, maybe a bit of experienced help.

It's what families do.

saraclara · 08/01/2022 00:04

@thenewduchessoflapland

I think the real issue is your SIL is a CF who should have arranged adequate childcare before committing to an overnight stay in an hotel.
We don't know that though. Maybe she talked about wanting a weekend away sometime, and MIL offered to look after her DGCs so that it was possible.

None of us knows the dynamic or the conversation that led to this arrangement.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 08/01/2022 00:22

I'd have laughed and then said absolutely not.

I hope you've made it clear to your husband that he needs to shut his sister down. He has his own young children and wife; she'll need to sort her own for her 'holiday'.

BananaBlue · 08/01/2022 00:23

Maybe MIL gifted a hotel stay, maybe it’s a wedding, maybe it’s a relationship make or break stay.

Without more info I don’t think it’s fair to call SIL a CF.

Puffalicious · 08/01/2022 01:48

TheNestedIf

Huge over-reaction. How dare you use such sexualised language to someone on a board you have no idea about? What is this place coming to?

Reported.

The OP has given NO indication at all that she thinks her husband is being unfaithful. This is not what this thread is about. You're completely skewed here. And completely out of order.

Onthedunes · 08/01/2022 02:53

This thread is not about whether the MIL can cope with her two young grandchildren both at the same time, for a weekend. (which I believe is too much for her)

It is not about the brother spending'quality time with his mother.

It is also not about any of the resons why the SIL 'needs a weekend break.

It has not been established whether the MIL asked for help or the SIL thought she needed help.

The SIL is a CF, the type to think it's resonable to esconse her brother from his home to look after her children.
She sounds like a madam for expecting it, with the family pacifying her, I bet she would not leave her own children at night to look after op's children whilst op went out.

No she's one of those 'Suits Me' type of people.
Entitled and you never get the favour back.

I would tell her to piss off if I were her brother but the only thing is it will backfire on the poor MIL who clearly will have trouble coping.

Some daughter's are friggin selfish.

TheNestedIf · 08/01/2022 05:04

@Puffalicious

TheNestedIf

Huge over-reaction. How dare you use such sexualised language to someone on a board you have no idea about? What is this place coming to?

Reported.

The OP has given NO indication at all that she thinks her husband is being unfaithful. This is not what this thread is about. You're completely skewed here. And completely out of order.

@Puffalicious

An overreaction to you being unnecessarily aggressive, when I was simply asking a question? The mods, and you, can search and confirm I am not one of the LTB mob.

Don't bother pretending to be victimised by accusing me of using sexualised language, because we both know that word means "a stupid and unpleasant person", which is exactly the context in which I meant it.

I had already reported your post, by the way, because I knew you would report me for reacting to it. That post will be deleted, as will this one, but I don't give a shit, because you've seen it.

Alip1965 · 08/01/2022 05:14

Unless you know the reason she can't cope it's difficult to say. But I am 56 and have fybromyalgia so I can't look after my 4 & 5 Yr old grandchildren for long periods. Maybe she's ill? It is a long stint to do on your own and if it's a one off fair enough husband goes to help. Yous seem older and can do a bit for themselves. Let him go. X

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2022 05:21

You haven’t addressed the comments from people asking you why it is an issue for you to put your 2 children to bed, one of whom can pretty much do it alone, when your mil is older than you and putting a baby and a preschooler/YR child to bed.

teatime9999 · 08/01/2022 05:49

I don't really think you're being unreasonable, OP. It's a bit of a bummer being alone for dinnertime and bedtime with young children. Seems like you shouldn't have to be the one making the sacrifice. Maybe he goes only once, and gives you a night out in return?

mellongoose · 08/01/2022 05:59

@teatime9999

I don't really think you're being unreasonable, OP. It's a bit of a bummer being alone for dinnertime and bedtime with young children. Seems like you shouldn't have to be the one making the sacrifice. Maybe he goes only once, and gives you a night out in return?
It's one night. So he can help his mum. Bedtime is a ball ache with small children but I really wouldn't have an issue with this.
Mrbob · 08/01/2022 06:05

Its a bit hypocritical to care that he is away over your children's bed time to help his mum with two children at bed time...

His mum probably will be fine but its hardly a big deal if he goes and helps for a couple of hours (if she wants him to) I assume you are capable of doing bedtime on your own

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