MIL ‘can’t babysit on her own’

[GoldfingersFinger]

DH has just dropped in conversation that SIL wants him to go over to hers (half an hour each way away) to help his mother babysit her two kids (4 and 18months) when she goes away with her partner for the weekend in a week or so’s time. MIL is making the journey from elsewhere to stay at theirs that weekend but apparently DIL is concerned she wouldn’t be able to manage on her own (MIL raised 4 in quick succession, isn’t old and is completely independent but she is on her own).

Apparently DIL can’t take the kids away with them because the kids wouldn’t go for a babysitter at the hotel. I wouldn’t speculate that they wouldn’t actually contemplate such an option as it would cost money.

We have two children (8 and 6 months) of our own. He would be away for at least 3 hours over their bed time and for a while before.

So what would you say if posed with such a request?

Obviously SIL didn’t ask me about this and

@Skeumorph

the heart of it is this

I wouldn't have a problem helping family.

I wouldn't have a problem pitching in.

I would have a fucking big problem discovering that actually, thanks to SIL making unilateral plans with MY husband, my Friday evening was going to look very different to what I'd expected.

'Dropping in to conversation'

Oh ha ha NO.

'Oh really? Sorry that doesn't work for me - what a shame SIL didn't think to ask both people that her request would affect. Not possible sorry. She will have to ask someone else'

It's the principle of it. As someone said way upthread, push back hard on shit like this as it is not a precedent you want to set. And I'm not talking about SIL. She can be as entitled as she likes. But no, my DH would never in a million years think it was ok to make plans with someone else which impacted on my time, and then just drop into conversation that X would be happening. Because I would simply drop right back that no, my time wasn't his to allocate. No discussion, no respect... no plans!

This is absolutely nuts. It’s on your husband to tell you the plans he’s made with SIL, not for SIL to ask you both.

When your husband’s friends invite him to the pub do they text you both to check it will be ok for him to be out on a Friday night? No, they text him, then he checks in with you

This is about an overly entitled SIL who thinks it's okay to announce, announce, not ask,

Again, there is absolutely no evidence that this happened. People are just making things up now.

@GoldfingersFinger

I have no issue with dealing with bedtime. I also don’t expect SIL to help us. What I do expect I guess is a bit of reciprocity and for my SIL to not just snap her fingers and for my DH to toddle off like a good little boy to satisfy whatever it is she can’t or won’t do herself. She doesn’t contact him unless she wants something amd it gets a little tedious.

Your SIL sounds like mine. A taker, not a giver so I can see the reluctance to help her out… I sense your post wouldn’t arise if she made more of a general effort / had a closer more familial relationship with yourself

My mum is sat next to me i just asked her if she would like me to get someone to come and help her next time she babysits my 3 and i quote "if you dont think i can cope ask someone else I dont need a babysitter im perfectly capable of looking after my grandchildren by myself"

This is absolutely nuts. It’s on your husband to tell you the plans he’s made with SIL, not for SIL to ask you both.

When your husband’s friends invite him to the pub do they text you both to check it will be ok for him to be out on a Friday night? No, they text him, then he checks in with you

EXACTLY!!!

As I said before, this whole OP hinges on OP not liking her SIL. It's a total non event without that aspect. And because it's Mumsnet and it involves in laws, there are people happy to join in with completely unreasonable posts in which they make up their own scenario where SIL has 'demanded' something and it's entirely unreasonable for a parent to spend three hours managing their own children alone.

This is absolutely nuts. It’s on your husband to tell you the plans he’s made with SIL, not for SIL to ask you both.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

I'm not talking about SIL -she can be as entitled as she likes. If she doesn't ask both/ask OP, if the request has gone only to him - he says 'Oh right we're around Friday, let me check with OP'

When I have a day/evening out planned I drop it into conversation that I’ll be out that day/evening and my DP will have to look after our son. Perfectly normal.
I’d assume if he had something else arranged which means it’s not possible then he would have told me about it before.

I think it's quite reasonable to ask her own brother for a bit of childcare. Would you never ask them? If MIL is actually babysitting but SIL doesn't want it to be a tough 2 full days for her then I think it's reasonable to ask her brother to step in. I don't think anyone would think twice if it was a sister asking a sister. In fact the kids would probably be staying with the sister lol

@onewednesdayindecember

When I have a day/evening out planned I drop it into conversation that I’ll be out that day/evening and my DP will have to look after our son. Perfectly normal. I’d assume if he had something else arranged which means it’s not possible then he would have told me about it before.

Yep. I don't think I ever asked my DH for 'permission' to go out when we had small kids. I'd mention if I had something on, and if there was a clash, he'd say so. At most I'd say something like "you haven't got anything on on Friday have you?" before fixing something.

The real issue is you resent your SIL, put that aside and it’s not a problem.

Your DH is helping out his DM and DS for a few hours. While it might piss you off how she treats him and how he allows it I’m sure he has other great qualities.

TheNestedIf

Perhaps it's your past relationship experiences making you come across as so nasty. Maybe look into some therapy. HTH.

I hadn't realised it was only for 3 hours. You could all go? You, husband and kids go there for 3 hours, watch a movie. Let the kids catch up with their cousins.

Because I would simply drop right back that no, my time wasn't his to allocate. No discussion, no respect... no plans!

But surely. . .your plans were looking after your children anyway? Time was already allocated?

@onewednesdayindecember

When I have a day/evening out planned I drop it into conversation that I’ll be out that day/evening and my DP will have to look after our son. Perfectly normal. I’d assume if he had something else arranged which means it’s not possible then he would have told me about it before.

That's what we did when we had one. Now we have two, we have more of a conversation about it as putting both to bed is a pain - we do it but it's a lot easier with both of us

This definitely is about the fact OP doesn't like her SiL and seems upset that her dh has a normal sibling relationship with her.

The request to give their Mum a bit of support is perfectly reasonable. Indeed the suggestion about popping over as a family for 1/2 a day sounds lovely.

I can't understand the posters who live their lives refusing to ever do something nice for someone else. It sounds a sad, miserable way to live your lives.

@GoldfingersFinger

I have no issue with dealing with bedtime. I also don’t expect SIL to help us. What I do expect I guess is a bit of reciprocity and for my SIL to not just snap her fingers and for my DH to toddle off like a good little boy to satisfy whatever it is she can’t or won’t do herself. She doesn’t contact him unless she wants something amd it gets a little tedious.

How do you know that? Do you check all his messages with sil? Has he told you so? Your interpretation is entirely your own. How she asks her brother is really no business of yours. If you can't manage bedtime then just tell him so. To refuse help on principle is pretty nasty.

To be honest everything you have accused your sil of is just your interpretation and conjecture. You haven't told us anything concrete that she has done that has hurt you, your kids or your dh. On the other hand you are actively wanting to stop your dh from helping out his family. I'm sorry but in this case you are really not coming across as reasonable or even nice. Maybe there is a back story but I'm just going based on what you have written in this thread.

Your dh would have more of a reason to post here: "aibu to want to help my family even though my DW resents them?"

Or sil: "aibu to not understand why my sil is so upset with me that she wants to punish my DM?"

DM: "aibu to accept help from my Ds to look after my grand children for a few hours?"

That's what we did when we had one. Now we have two, we have more of a conversation about it as putting both to bed is a pain - we do it but it's a lot easier with both of us

@Classicblunder but surely an 8 year old is self sufficient enough at bedtime not to need one person dedicated to the task of putting them to bed

I wouldn’t be too happy either, if mil can’t cope with 2 children at bedtime then sil should get a babysitter who she trusts.

And if an 8 year old and a 6 month old do need two people at bedtime then how is mil expected to manage on her own with a 4 year old and 18 month old?

I'm puzzled. Does she want him to go over one evening, both evenings or the whole weekend? If it's just one evening then what's the point? She'd be on her own with the children the rest of the weekend so why not those 3 hours ?

You just don’t like your SIL op. That’s the crux of this. Your DH can still have a relationship with her/his nephews&neices/his mum though. It’s only a few hours.

Why doesn't your DH talk to his mother and ask her if she feels she needs his help? Take the SIL out of the equation.
MiL will be looking after her grandchildren. Her son asks his mother if she thinks she'll need his help when it comes to bedtimes or not. If not, then he could say to her "Well then, why did Sister think that you wouldn't be up for it mum? I'm so confused."

What your DH could do is help tire both of the kids out during the day so that they are so knackered, they are looking forward to sleeping and bedtime. That might help your MiL more.

Also, I'd look at this like you're helping MiL out rather than SiL. Yes, SiL is getting the benefit of it but your DH would be helping his mother out rather than his sister.

@Skeumorph

This is absolutely nuts. It’s on your husband to tell you the plans he’s made with SIL, not for SIL to ask you both.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

I'm not talking about SIL -she can be as entitled as she likes. If she doesn't ask both/ask OP, if the request has gone only to him - he says 'Oh right we're around Friday, let me check with OP'

That’s not what you said

You said:
Oh really? Sorry that doesn't work for me - what a shame SIL didn't think to ask both people that her request would affect. Not possible sorry. She will have to ask someone else'

I have no idea why you think the SIL should ask both people and not just the husband

Sounds like the issue is DH not discussing with you before committing himself? Do you have a joint calendar (online or real) or a system for discussing these things?

Also could you all pop round for a bit to keep MIL company, if that’s the issue, and kids could see each other?

I’d be really upset if I was the MIL if Sil thought I couldn’t cope but hadn’t asked me although I think it is a nice thing for your Dh to do.